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My favorite saying about parenthood: Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.
This is the beginning of many conflicts that you will have to resolve for yourself. Never did I say that you should not allow your daughters to play together, but if you don't want your child around cigarette smoke, then the playdates will have to be at your house. My daughter's best friend is allergic to dogs. We have a dog and even after vacuuming and putting the dog outside, she came over and within minutes had watery eyes and was sneezing continuously. My daughter goes to her house to play...no big deal.
It's time to think about things you will ignore and things you will not allow your child to be exposed to. I am not a drinker (had alcoholic parents) but don't mind if my child's parents have wine with dinner. I do, however, limit her exposure to our neighbor whose recycle bin is filled up with dozens of hard liquor bottles every week and has been passed out on his lawn. I'm not a church-goer, but don't worry about her best friend's parents who have the fish symbol on the back of their car. I don't, however, allow them to take her on their "revival camps" in the summer. We also don't watch a lot of tv in our house (well, I do, but I DVR everything and watch it while she is at school). I don't worry that at playdates, her friends watch Hannah Montana. She is not, however, allowed to play at her other friend's house whose mom let them watch Halloween IV (when they were 5...my daughter had nightmares for months). The list goes on and gets longer as my daughter gets older.
As your children get older, they are going to develop a wider group of friends (mostly from school). That means you don't have control of who their friends are and who their parents are. Not everyone is going to have the same parenting philosophy but you have to decide for yourself what is a "deal breaker." It's a matter of time until your child comes home and you begin noticing how much of an influence her friends have on her. We have had to have a lot of discussions about "what so-and-so does at her house is not allowed at our house."
While I make a big effort to not discriminate against kids just because their parents are questionable, she has been banned from playing with a little girl who came to school (in 1st grade) and talked about how boys and girls kiss each other's private parts....her mom told her that it was okay and that it felt good. Sorry...that little girl is officially "off" the list of playdates and I don't make any apologies for that.
the3Ds, I'm sure you're aware that the ETS study is highly conflicted and the results politically skewed. There is so much political crap thrown into any of the studies by both sides that the truthful affects are essentially unknowable to any of us.
We all measure the risks versus rewards. I fully support your associating with who you choose, for whatever reason you like. My intent was to point out that it doesn't have to be as big of a deal as you make it out to be. Some people, even smokers, are worth it.
We will just have to agree to disagree. I would rather take the American Cancer Society's word for it over the tobacco lobby.
I never said that this lady should not allow her daughter to be friends with the little girl. I just said that if it bothers her, then she needs to have the little girl come to her house to play. My daughter's best friend is allergic to dogs. We have a dog so they play at her house and I make an effort to take them to parks or to the community pool so that I do my fair share.
I prefer to err on the side of my daughter's health rather than trying to not hurt anyone's feelings. I would never lecture the parents on smoking....it's their decision, just like it's mine to have their daughter over to my house to play every time. It's no different than limiting her exposure to people who don't think it's a big deal to show little kids rated R movies (that are rated R for a very good reason) or those who listen to rap music and refer to women as "bit%hes and ho's".
My suggestion is not to insult the neighbors. Place it on yourself - tell them you are an overprotective parent and you prefer that your daugther and friends are at your home rather than theirs. Don't sweat the small stuff - the teen years are right around the corner and you then have to deal with peer pressure, bullying, drugs, drinking, smoking, etc. This is the easy age.
When my children were that age and spent time at their playmates' homes, we were more concerned if their parents had guns in the house and how secured the guns were than worry about whether the parents smoked.
When my children were that age and spent time at their playmates' homes, we were more concerned if their parents had guns in the house and how secured the guns were than worry about whether the parents smoked.
And along with the guns, I was always concerned about what easily accessible prescription drugs might be in the house . . . and if there was porn that the kids might find and watch while no one else was noticing . . . and if they had a dog that might bite . . . and what kind of sugary or fatty snack foods might be standard . . . and on and on.
But cigarette smoke? Even if my child were spending half a day in someone's home where there is a smoker . . . it's not as tho the kids are standing there w/ someone blowing smoke in their faces.
There really are bigger concerns, and as a mother who has raised her kids, I can assure you, some day you will look back on this and wish that the biggest concern you had was whether or not your kids were being exposed for a few hours to second hand smoke.
You have every right to be cautious as to what environment your child will be in when she plays with friends. I am an ex-smoker as well, but I never smoked in my house or around my kids, because I knew the health risks. Not everyone is the same though, and if your neighbors smoke in their home and you are uncomfortable with that, just be honest with them. I am sure they will appreciate your honesty and will understand why you daughter can not come in to play.
Children are small.. smoke rises.. so just tell them not to stand up on a ladder above the smoker all day and they'll be alright.
In all seriousness.. let the kid have some fun. A day in any big city will have more harmful pollutants in the air than visiting a friends house where someone smokes now and then.
Just tell the parents little Suzie has an allergy to cigarette smoke and can't spend much time there.
Alternatively, propose that life is full of little risks and sometimes having a great time with a friend outweighs the risks of a dirty house, someone else's cooking, or tertiary exposure to smoke.
This is exactly what I was thinking.
There is no way I'd allow my child to go into an environment where there was a lot of smoking going on. It bothers me greatly to be around smoke and I can't imagine how a kid feels when their lungs are even smaller than ours.
I would sooo just lie and say she's allergic to smoke and be done with it. But you'd better be prepared to host most or all of the play dates. That is the consequence here.
There really are bigger concerns, and as a mother who has raised her kids, I can assure you, some day you will look back on this and wish that the biggest concern you had was whether or not your kids were being exposed for a few hours to second hand smoke.
You are right about that, but just because there are bigger concerns doesn't mean we should just let the smaller concerns go unaddressed.
I do generally ascribe to your position, for example if my son ever broke an arm while playing, DH's paranoid family would see that as a reason to not let the kid be a kid and play, where I would be more likely to say, "yes, he's got to be careful, but there are parents out there who would love it if their child's biggest health concern was a broken arm". You do have to keep it in perspective.
That being said, I'd still avoid the smoke.
Ps some of the smokiest, nastiest houses I've been in were smokers who NEVER opened the windows. Their houses were like dark smoky tombs.
Now, I might amend my position with the play date if I knew the neighbor had good ventilation and the house didn't stink and retain the smoke, but I think the OP said something about the house smelling bad....
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