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Most likely you'll get her back and whatever babies are produced in the relationship and you'll be expected to financially support them all and you and your husband will be expected to provide free babysitting services.
Yes this was my biggest fear, however my daughter is a "modern woman" her term not mine so whatever is brought forth may not be allowed to continue.
I worry everyday but have learned how to get on with my life and maybe acknowledge that I was perhaps too involved and did not step back enough to allow her breathing room.
Again the suddenes of it makes you wonder just what you did wrong.
It might be worth thinking about the initial argument. Did it escalate into ... "while you are in my house ... my rules ..." type of discussion? The problem, of course, is that those discussions only work when the "child" does not have any options. But your daughter clearly did have options (no doubt you were unaware of them) and has chosen to exercise them. The fact that you do not feel that they are good ones is neither here nor there.
The real question is what do you do next. A return to the status quo is off the table so you have to figure out what your position is and any "rules" would be if she does come back. Having tasted a form of "freedom", she will never be willing to go back to the pre-departure situation and, as an adult albeit a young one, nor should she. Accepting her as an adult and on a level footing with you might be the hardest part of this.
I always try to think of myself at that age. Both my sister and I left home when we were 18. Sure, we made mistakes but we survived pretty well. It was a simple choice. We both wanted the freedom to live our own lives and that meant leaving home. Maybe it was tough for our mother. Quite honestly, I never gave that aspect of it a second thought so do not assume your daughter is either.
I agree, however do you think about the effect of your decision on your mother now?
Nope ... never looked back. I am 54 now and have had a great relationship with my mother since my early twenties. Just needed to reset the parameters of the relationship.
Firstly, even if she is 18 and she's still in school you can call the local police and they will bring her back home. If you'd rather not go that route, there's another solution.
Call the boyfriends house and ask to speak to her. Invite her out to lunch with you. Let her pick the place, and you will pick up the tab.
When you're having lunch with her let her know you love her. Let her know that if she changes her mind about living at the boyfriends house that she is always welcome to come back home whenever she wants to, and that your door will always be open for her.
Let her understand that should she return home, the boyfriend cannot move in there with her (unless they're married, heaven forbid).
During the lunch conversation, ask her for her version of what happened between your husband and her. I'll bet your husband isn't telling you everything.
My oldest boy had a girlfriend when he was in school, and her father was very abusive emotionally, verbally, and spiritually toward his daughter whenever the Mother wasn't around. She stormed out of their house and took just a few things with her. She had nowhere else to go. We let her stay in the guest room at our house but encouraged her to speak with her mother.
After two weeks, her self-esteem level rose enough for her to be able to call her mom and brace for the emotional confrontation. Her mother had no idea that her father was so mean to her when she wasn't around. He basically made this poor girl feel like she had to apologize for being born. Not a nice man.
The girlfriend remained at our house. Finished high school, as did my son. They both went to college and graduated with their degrees. Last year at the age of 23 my son and the girlfriend were married.
Her parents have long since divorced. She has a good relationship with her mother now and they see one another often. She has no contact with her father anymore at all.
This isn't an easy situation to be in, I know. But you have to give her the space and freedom to be a person no matter how much you dislike the situation. When you speak with her, don't cry. Keep your emotions in check because you'll make her feel like you're trying to manipulate her with your tears and this will force her to rebel even more.
I hope things work out for you. You sound like a wonderful, caring and loving mother.
Yes this was my biggest fear, however my daughter is a "modern woman" her term not mine so whatever is brought forth may not be allowed to continue.
I worry everyday but have learned how to get on with my life and maybe acknowledge that I was perhaps too involved and did not step back enough to allow her breathing room.
Again the suddenes of it makes you wonder just what you did wrong.
Sometimes you just have to let go. You can only change what you can change and you have to accept that loved ones make their own mistakes, have to learn their own lessons they decide to give themselves. You have to stop beating yourself up too because no parent is perfect. No family is perfect all the time.
You see kids come from pretty bad homes that turned out great and were always responsible and you see kids come from what were almost ideal families make bad mistakes. You can always look back and pick yourself apart and decide it must have been this or that thing that did it - and it probably wasn't.
All you can do is decide what you can do about now and the future. I think for now, you have to move on, accept that your daughter has left home. So you find things to do about the emptiness and gap.
Then you have to decide how you will handle the future - because in this case, shacking up with the unemployed man and his family while she hasn't finished high school is no future. What will you do when she comes back to be supported again by you?
I think the suggestion to try to talk over lunch is a good one but be prepared for rejection.
I have somewhat hijacked this thread, so I will bow out to the OP,
I have never really talked about this much to anyone, thanks for the advice but I am post-four years on this.
To diamond, good luck, you are getting lots of different advice here. Keep checking in, sure wish I had CD back then, poor husband might have suffered less.
Eddie, I hear you but not every kid in this situation has an abusive parent, some just want their own way. Good for you to help when you did.
I'm sure that will improve the relationship between the parents and the 18 year old
The comment was offered as a concern for the endangerment to the welfare of the child. As per the Mother's comments, the daughter has no job, no money, and the boyfriend's parents are having mortgage related financial issues -- which means if they lose their home and become homeless, so does her daughter.
Therefore the situation presents a danger to the welfare of the child. As a parent, she has the right to make sure her child is OK, and sometimes that means having to involve the law. That's what they're there for, to serve and protect.
The comment was offered as a concern for the endangerment to the welfare of the child. As per the Mother's comments, the daughter has no job, no money, and the boyfriend's parents are having mortgage related financial issues -- which means if they lose their home and become homeless, so does her daughter.
Therefore the situation presents a danger to the welfare of the child. As a parent, she has the right to make sure her child is OK, and sometimes that means having to involve the law. That's what they're there for, to serve and protect.
I'm not sure that can be considered as endangerment personally.
But you have to take a longer view of the consequences. I left home when I was 18 (but finished school). If my mother had tried to pull that kind of stunt she would never have seen or heard from me again.
Not that I am a person that bears grudges of course
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