Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I work a pretty good job in very low six figures, but in one of the most expensive cities in U.S. Have about $150k in a 401K, 110k in mutual funds, and 25k in college funds and 20k in savings.
My SO used to have great job but has been unemployed for several years -- he has no retirement plan, only a life insurance policy that I pay for. Because of this we recently moved back to SO's parents' home, and we help out with bills but overall live rent-free though we have given $20k plus in 'loans' to parents.
In the meantime SO has taken over management of some real estate his parents' own -- 10 apartments, which are bit dilapidated and have tens of thousands in unpaid taxes, fees and fines. The parents' have a decent income, but lots of debt and mortgages and rely on the rent from the apartments, SO takes a little cash, a few hundred dollars every month, I pay for everything else.
My SO likes to live large, and also has dreams of being Trump and is spending a lot on cleaning up and repairing the buildings, apartments etc. I pay off those bills. It burns me that he doesn't feel the need to have some sort of part-time job to cover those expenses, or to at least take it from the rent money. Now he wants to start paying off the fees and fines too. It felt like the last straw to me.
He tells me to look at the big picture -- that we'll inherit the house and the apts (after his siblings get smaller shares).
In addition he plans to open two small storefronts --- and then move across the country and manage all the businesses from there.
With two kids set to go to college with five years, am I being unreasonable?
Last edited by blhablha; 01-30-2015 at 05:57 PM..
Reason: additional info
This is a problem when you try to do "business" with family. You think you are getting "free" rent but in reality you could be better off paying the rent by yourself.
Get all the expenses and the supposed saving estimated and try to clearly see the picture of what you are spending to stay rent "free"
While I can see his "look at the big picture" point of view. There is no guarantee things will work out as he envisions.
Location: 23.7 million to 162 million miles North of Venus
23,637 posts, read 12,561,414 times
Reputation: 10497
That sounds like a no win situation for you, for many reasons.
The CONS ...
Your SO hasn't worked in a few years, no savings/retirement, etc., no plans for even a part-time job.
You say that you've been helping out with the bills and that you've given over $20k in loans to the parents (you said 'we' but it sounds more like the money comes from 'you')
His parents sound like chronic debtors (lots of debt and mortgages).
The properties are in bad shape.
The properties have "tens of thousands in unpaid taxes, fees and fines' attached to them (and mortgages too?)
You, and only you, will be the one to fork out money for repairs, to pay off the taxes, fines, fees - (and mortgages?) all the while your name will not be on the titles of the properties.
Your SO 'thinks' that eventually he will not only inherit the properties, but will also inherit the lions share of the properties over what the other siblings will get.
The PROS ...
(crickets chirping)
+++
You will end up sinking a massive amount of money into something that 'you have no legal interest in'.
If, after you've doled out all of that money and the parents get into a tight situation then, more than likely, they will turn around and place more mortgages on the properties - and there won't be a thing that you can do about it.
As far as inheriting the properties -- if the parents become ill, or, if they live to a ripe old age, more than likely the properties will have to be sold to pay for medical expenses, and/or, for the rest home - and there won't be a thing you can do about it.
Also, if some or all of the properties are still around to be inherited, the siblings may put up a legal battle if all they get is a tiny share while your SO gets the lions share - and there won't be a thing you can do about it, except to dole out even more money to hire a lawyer to fight them.
It might be something to think about if the parents took their names off of the properties and put yours and your SO names on them, with you either purchasing the properties outright, or, if you work out a deal where they get 'some' money up front along with a portion of the rents. But if the properties remain in the parents names than it's a bad deal for you.
I work a pretty good job in very low six figures, but in one of the most expensive cities in U.S. Have about $150k in a 401K, 110k in mutual funds, and 25k in college funds and 20k in savings.
My SO used to have great job but has been unemployed for several years -- he has no retirement plan, only a life insurance policy that I pay for. Because of this we recently moved back to SO's parents' home, and we help out with bills but overall live rent-free though we have given $20k plus in 'loans' to parents.
In the meantime SO has taken over management of some real estate his parents' own -- 10 apartments, which are bit dilapidated and have tens of thousands in unpaid taxes, fees and fines. The parents' have a decent income, but lots of debt and mortgages and rely on the rent from the apartments, SO takes a little cash, a few hundred dollars every month, I pay for everything else.
My SO likes to live large, and also has dreams of being Trump and is spending a lot on cleaning up and repairing the buildings, apartments etc. I pay off those bills. It burns me that he doesn't feel the need to have some sort of part-time job to cover those expenses, or to at least take it from the rent money. Now he wants to start paying off the fees and fines too. It felt like the last straw to me.
He tells me to look at the big picture -- that we'll inherit the house and the apts (after his siblings get smaller shares).
In addition he plans to open two small storefronts --- and then move across the country and manage all the businesses from there.
With two kids set to go to college with five years, am I being unreasonable?
Unreasonable? I say you're showing quite a bit of tolerance.
You are not living rent free. You paid 20k up front ( have they started paying ANY of that loan back?) I guarantee that if you bring up loan payments they will bring up free rent living. They see that money as theirs
You unfortunately are a enabler.
Your husband sounds like a dreamer. He is living off of you. I can understand losing a job and it can take some time to find another. But there comes a time when its simply sponging off you. Spouse or not.
He will NEVER open those storefronts. Even if he does he will fail. Storefront means hands on. You can't be hands on from cross country. And if you do live far away it requires someone you trust to run them.
His " retirement" is his parents debt laden properties. Which he has to share with his siblings. So in the end all he will have is a property that is mostly owned by the bank and he shares any equity with the siblings. Which most likely will want to be bought out. So I hope you save that buy out money Ms Moneybags.( that's you)
Your husband is a 1000 pound anchor
Christ dont buy into that bs. That money generated is siphoned off right now, and the parents obviously have a spending/revenue issue since you're subsidizing them.
I would sit his butt down and tell him that he needs to get a job. Stop dreaming of being a tycoon and start going to work. You both need to get out if there. Let the parents deal with their own finances
Good luck. But you're being used by the SO and his parents.
My advice to you is completely separate your finances from family. And never do business with friends or family.
I don't think you are the unreasonable one. It is a really bad sign of judgment, imo, when a capable adult child thinks it is better to move back in with his parents than to get a job, especially to live rent free with parents who are financially struggling.
Are his parents around when he talks about his inheritance? What happens if they can't make the payments on these properties and they are taken away? What if one burns down and you get sued?
I'm sorry, this sounds like a really tough situation. I think you are right to stand your ground and try to bring him back to reality.
Oh honey time for a wake up call. I'm probably going to to up in flames for this but my advice is that its time for a "financial divorce" from your husband. Sometimes couples cannot get on the same page financially. When dh and I sperated finances he wasn't happy but now hes grateful. Pm if you want more specifics.
I think of some people as spending addicts. You can't help them by giving them more money or paying off their debt. That just feeds the cycle. And they can be perfectly wonderful loving people that just don't understand and can't break the cycle.
I highly reccomend you sit down by yourself and take a good look at your independent financial situation. Look at your income and figure out how you want to spend it. Include retirement goals, education savings, and yes, the amount you are willing to give your dh out of every paycheck. Then sit down with him and explain that you are not comfortable with his plans and this is the plan you are willing to live with. This is the amount you are willing to risk in his investments. If he wants more he will have to find another source of income.
You need to ensure your financial security. IV e seen people go down your road- where the spend aholic cost them their vehicles, home, and retirement. I felt bad for the surprised spouse, but wondered why they didn't take steps years ago to protect themselves? Everyone in the neighborhood knew of the spouse's spending issues, it wasn't something that developed overnight.
My SO used to have great job but has been unemployed for several years ...
In the meantime SO has taken over management of some real estate his parents' own ...
...am I being unreasonable?
Define meantime.
Do you have a divorce attorney lined up?
I work a pretty good job in very low six figures, but in one of the most expensive cities in U.S. Have about $150k in a 401K, 110k in mutual funds, and 25k in college funds and 20k in savings.
My SO used to have great job but has been unemployed for several years -- he has no retirement plan, only a life insurance policy that I pay for. Because of this we recently moved back to SO's parents' home, and we help out with bills but overall live rent-free though we have given $20k plus in 'loans' to parents.
In the meantime SO has taken over management of some real estate his parents' own -- 10 apartments, which are bit dilapidated and have tens of thousands in unpaid taxes, fees and fines. The parents' have a decent income, but lots of debt and mortgages and rely on the rent from the apartments, SO takes a little cash, a few hundred dollars every month, I pay for everything else.
My SO likes to live large, and also has dreams of being Trump and is spending a lot on cleaning up and repairing the buildings, apartments etc. I pay off those bills. It burns me that he doesn't feel the need to have some sort of part-time job to cover those expenses, or to at least take it from the rent money. Now he wants to start paying off the fees and fines too. It felt like the last straw to me.
He tells me to look at the big picture -- that we'll inherit the house and the apts (after his siblings get smaller shares).
In addition he plans to open two small storefronts --- and then move across the country and manage all the businesses from there.
With two kids set to go to college with five years, am I being unreasonable?
My real estate operations have to pay for themselves. It started a few years ago, I dumped a bunch of money in, and now it's run like a business. Anything I put in, is a loan with a <1 year repayment schedule.
If you've got 10 apartments, your SO should be using the cash flow from those.
On top of that, your SO is doing a lot of dreaming.
Just what are you getting from this relationship? You call him your SO, so does that mean you aren't married to him? Are the children his?
You are living with his relatives, and throwing your money down a hole, when you could comfortably live elsewhere with your children and use your money to secure your own financial future.
Now he wants to start paying off the fees and fines too. It felt like the last straw to me.
He tells me to look at the big picture -- that we'll inherit the house and the apts (after his siblings get smaller shares).
This is a very good point where you can logically and reasonably tell him that the both of you need to sit down with an attorney and decide if and how you structure a written agreement with the parents - you start paying their taxes/fines on the real estate in exchange for ??? (Title to some of the properties, changes in the will, etc).
I am just guessing that the parents are in a huge financial underwater mess and that an attorney could help your husband see the true financial facts. Otherwise, how would they get so behind, plus you loaning them $20,000?
I see nothing but trouble ahead, let's say you spend tons of money then his siblings get the best properties and you lose all your savings. Or somehow he becomes liable for all the parents' debts without your knowledge.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
