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I can't decide if he is a sociopath or if you are a masochist. I do wish you good luck as you will need it.
The best advice I can give is to cut your losses now and leave. Seriously. He is not going to change and your head is going to get really sore from either beating it against the wall or tearing your hair out in frustration. Life is too short for this...(expletive omitted) stuff.
What is he providing to the relationship that makes your financial destruction worthwhile?
Quote:
Originally Posted by WellShoneMoon
He might be a sociopath but the diagnosis doesn't matter. Here's the bad news: He's not ever going to change. If you stay with him, this is what your life is going to be like until one of you is dead.
You need to decide if you can live the rest of your life that way. If I were you, I'd be going to see a lawyer to find out how to extricate myself from this disaster.
I really sympathize with you. My ex-BF was very much like your guy sounds. That's why he's my EX.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nicole11
So this is a question I get asked by him a lot and it has caused many fights but hear me out....why on earth would I combine our finances when he is so reckless with his money? Just the other day he told me he was going to go buy a new tattoo for a couple hundred dollars and put it on his credit card yet he can't even pay his truck payment. I don't set up a joint account because I feel like if I did, it would be a lot worse because he would see how much money I contributed and would want to use only what i make for all the bills. I realize we are married, but at some point, it is just not fair. Am I wrong in thinking this way? I have taken care of myself since I was 15, it is extremely odd and difficult for me to understand people who pool their money together, especially when one of them cannot be trusted.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rakin
Congtratulations Mom. You've just taken on an irresponsible child to raise.
I'll bet he'd love to buy a new really nice expensive truck.
You're Married now. Your money is his money, his debt is now your debt. There is no separation in money. He may have you in Bankruptcy in 5 years.
I could tell you that with ALL you goodness and strong survival skills you can pull the weight for both of you until ALL of your common sense and money management skills rub off on him, but no, I'm afraid not.
In reality it just doesn't seem to ever work out that way. Sorry but, cut your losses and get the hell out 'before you start making a family'; the noose will just about strangle you if you don't.
Sincerely Nicole, best wishes, and I mean that with all my heart.
I also want to thank everyone for recommending marriage counseling but how do you recommend paying for for said counseling when you're already in financial turmoil? Is there some sort of way around this or am I just ignorant?
Stop the presses! We all know that throwing a baby in the mix would definitely get this guy on board as he would seek counseling and stop his compulsive spending. I say toss out the pill, put on some Barry White and wait it out for 9 months.
I also want to thank everyone for recommending marriage counseling but how do you recommend paying for for said counseling when you're already in financial turmoil? Is there some sort of way around this or am I just ignorant?
If you don't have insurance, some counties provide service on a sliding scale based on income. Even if your husband refuses to go, try to get some kind of help for yourself, especially if you are far from family or have no family. Try an online search for clinics in your county.
Do you want to be married to him? If yes, you need an agreement for money. I'd start by getting paid back half of what joint expenses you fronted. Then park that in retirement plan with aid of CPA. Plus you need your own credit cards to help salvage your credit scores.
Also set up a separate bank account that he must pay X amount into that the autopayments for vehicles or whatever you consigned can automatically come out of every month. People that are bad with money need ways to have separate piles or else they spend.
If no, you can pull your co-signing & force sale of the whatever(s) to pay the debt. Frankly, if he is not willing to pay back half AND make timely payments, I'd walk.
how do you recommend paying for for said counseling when you're already in financial turmoil?
As for FINANCIAL counseling -- I don't know how much Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace" course -- which is taught at churches -- costs.
SOMEtimes you can get a free course offered. The church may sponsor you, or Ramsey offers it sometimes for some "lucky" callers to his radio show. But you can't just call and ask for it.
As for MARRIAGE counseling, some universities may have doctoral students or grads who need to do a practicum. MAYBE that's available. (Sort of like the reduced cost dental work that you can have done by students at dental schools.) Ask around. Maybe some 'legal aid' office may have some ideas.
OP, does he have no concern over the fact that you guys have almost no money saved for emergencies? Does he not care? What's going on in his head about that? What is your joint retirement plan? Have you ever discussed this? Ask him what he plans to do to finance retirement, to get an interesting discussion going. Or is he putting that off for "someday", when his income improves? Not a good plan.
Did you guys discuss long-term savings goals, retirement planning, saving for home purchase vs. renting forever, before you got married? Those are must-discuss topics, before hitching one's financial fate to another person.
I seem to always choose men who are very financially different than I am...you'd think i'd learn...
Did it ever occur to you that you may need to feel the need to control a partner, and you are using money as your control vehicle and this is the reason you continue to choose partners that are not fiscally responsible ??
Your marriage is on a fast path to destruction, and if you both truly desire to prevent this from happening you may need to employ a good counselor who can help your husband change his fiscally irresponsible characteristics and you your fiscally controlling characteristics. Even if this does not repair the damage already sustained and your marriage ends, hopefully you will have gained some insight and made the necessary changes to avoid choosing a future partner with the same characteristics.
PS - You being a veteran and I work at a VA, I can tell you the VA has multiple professionals that can provide you free of charge counseling and you should take advantage of this benefit.
Last edited by Nightengale212; 08-03-2017 at 08:21 PM..
Reason: Addition
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We all know that throwing a baby in the mix would definitely get this guy on board as he would seek counseling and stop his compulsive spending. I say toss out the pill, put on some Barry White and wait it out for 9 months. 
