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I have a black son and an anglo son. Both are teenagers and are close in age. My husband and I are both Anglo. In my home state none of us have really experienced much overt racism. But as he gets older, we have all noticed that my black son is running into more institutional discrimination.
I sometimes purposefully enter a store a minute or two behind him and then just "happen" to be in the same aisle with him. Quite often store employees show up and pretend to reorganize shelves, but when he leaves the aisle, they do too. I don't have that happen to me, and they don't follow me like they do him.
Last week, both sons received identical stock dividend checks. As the custodian on their accounts, I signed both checks identically. The black son presented his at the credit union. It took almost 20 min. for it to be deposited in his account. He had to show his I.D. to more than one person. The teller went in the back room and stood holding the check while talking to the manager. The manager checked my signature card and gave my son the third degree because the check (and my signature) had my first initial and middle name but the signature card had my full first name and middle name. The next day, my anglo son went into the same branch. His I.D. was checked in a cursory manner. The check was deposited immediately. There were no questions about my signature. The teller didn't involve the manager.
This type of thing is happening more and more often and it enrages me. My son is well spoken, wears the same "T-shirt and Levis" style of clothes as his brother (nothing that could possibly be offensive) and has very good manners. There's absolutely nothing about the situation to explain the difference in the experiences of my sons, other than skin color. I don't know how to handle it. I need advice from black parents. How do you teach your children about institutional discrimination without overdoing it or letting your imagination run wild with you? What do I do? At this point, the mildest response I'm considering is to walk in the credit union with both sons and demand an explanation just so I can make a few people squirm in public. Both sons are up for that idea. What's your best advice?
Teach your sons the history of this country and not just the history taught in history books in school. In order for you son to understand what it means to be a Black person in America he has not know not only the history of slavery and the fight for civil rights he needs to know what Black Americans have accomplished in the military, the arts, in science, medicine and technology. As a Black American and especially as a Black American male your son is more likely than not going to put into situations where there are attempts are going to be made to make him feel he is "Less Than". If he knows the history of people like the Tuskegee Airman, General Chappie James, Reginald Lewis, Elijah McCoy, Dr. Charles Drew, Garrett Morgan, Frederick Jones, Dr. Mark Dean, and Dr. J. Ernest Wilkins Jr. Each of these men dealt with situations where racism was far more prevalent today yet managed to to great things to contribute to this country.
The overwhelming message that comes from lives of these men is that yes racism exists in this country but you can achieve if you strive for excellence and don't let the racism that you see hurled against you turn into self-hatred and negativity.
Most importantly love him, respect him and support him and tell him he capable of anything he wants to do in life if he is willing to work hard enough and have enough determination to overcome whatever obstacles that will come his way.
Racism is not just against blacks: include Hispanics, and Asians into it.
Too many white people grow up thinking that they can call Hispanic people "white" and then deny all types of discrimination and power imbalances against Hispanic people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JazzyTallGuy
Teach your sons the history of this country and not just the history taught in history books in school. In order for you son to understand what it means to be a Black person in America he has not know not only the history of slavery and the fight for civil rights he needs to know what Black Americans have accomplished in the military, the arts, in science, medicine and technology. As a Black American and especially as a Black American male your son is more likely than not going to put into situations where there are attempts are going to be made to make him feel he is "Less Than". If he knows the history of people like the Tuskegee Airman, General Chappie James, Reginald Lewis, Elijah McCoy, Dr. Charles Drew, Garrett Morgan, Frederick Jones, Dr. Mark Dean, and Dr. J. Ernest Wilkins Jr. Each of these men dealt with situations where racism was far more prevalent today yet managed to to great things to contribute to this country.
The overwhelming message that comes from lives of these men is that yes racism exists in this country but you can achieve if you strive for excellence and don't let the racism that you see hurled against you turn into self-hatred and negativity.
Racism is not just against blacks: include Hispanics, and Asians into it.
Too many white people grow up thinking that they can call Hispanic people "white" and then deny all types of discrimination and power imbalances against Hispanic people.
I not disagree with you with but he's not going to face exclusion, and discrimination because he is Latino or Asian he's going to face it because he's a Black American. Therefore he needs to know the history of the people that he was the most in common with and how they overcame similar situations. That does NOt mean he shouldn't know the history of other cultures. On the contrary he is should and understand other cultures to forster the feeling of a fundamental respect of all people regardless of who they are. But as a Black American he's going to through live experience things from a rather unique perspective if he is thoroughly grounded and the history and accomplishments of other Black Americans he's liable to come through the expriences in a much more positive fashion.
Follow up: My white son is just as angry about what happens to his brother as I am. He does experience discrimination because he is right there when it happens to his brother. They aren't two unrelated people of different races living segregated lives, one privileged and one not. They are brothers. They are brothers. My white son has more courage in putting his own safety on the line to fight racism than anybody else in the family ever has or likely ever will. My black son is much more gentle, much less assertive, much more tender hearted and easily hurt. My white son has fight inside him and uses it to stand up and speak up.
Wow. I just had another epiphany. I can't ask for black people to help me know what to do any more than I can ask white people to help me know what to do. Each of those groups sees in black or white. I'm seeing technicolor. Thanks everybody. I think I'm done now. I know what I have to do. All I have to do is tell the truth.
In response to artsyguy, renault, and Wapasha. None of us knows what it is like to be the others. I am finding myself in a world that in some ways bridges all of yours. I refuse to take offense at honest expressions of individual views so long as they do not insult or demean mine and so long as they don't drive others away from the conversation. Sometimes its uncomfortable to have people probe to find and uncover my assumptions, and my limited perspectives, but I am willing for that to happen. I would like this thread to continue and would appreciate it if you all would please try less to prove a point than to continue a dialogue. We can and should speak about all of this and we can do it without taking offense so long as none of us sets out bait.
Good luck with that.
As a white woman, I often try to "offset" the discriminatory behaviors that I know black men in particular are often subject to. I know it's the PC thing to say that we don't see color, but let's be honest, sometimes we do. Those times for me are the times I'm in a situation where I know from reading and learning and talking to friends, that black men are frequently treated as though they should be feared.
One example black men sometimes tell about, is that white women often cross the street if they see black men coming towards them. Or they move their purse to the opposite shoulder. It's somewhat subtle, but experienced often enough, can have a devastating affect on one's esteem.
So when I find myself in positions such as that, I intentionally move my purse, which always hangs on my right shoulder, to my left (IOW, closer to him or them), make a point of meeting their eyes and saying a pleasant hello with a smile.
There are too many times to remember them all, but this one stands out in my mind for some reason. One time I was at a department store trying to pick out a shirt and tie for my then-boyfriend. I was really struggling with what looked best. There was a black man hanging around the same department, looking through shirts on a rack. I occasionally glanced his direction to see if he was "interruptable". Eventually I just walked over to him and said, "I hope you'll excuse me if I state the obvious, but you're a man and I'm obviously not. If you have a minute to spare, I could sure use your opinion as to which of these pairings work best." He very kindly helped me pick the right tie with the right shirt, I thanked him, and then he went about his shopping and I went to the checkout.
Maybe I'm "overcompensating." Maybe some will see it as pandering. I'm just hoping I'll make someone's day a bit better when they realize not everyone is going to treat them as if they're someone to be afraid of.
Follow up: My white son is just as angry about what happens to his brother as I am. He does experience discrimination because he is right there when it happens to his brother. They aren't two unrelated people of different races living segregated lives, one privileged and one not. They are brothers. They are brothers. My white son has more courage in putting his own safety on the line to fight racism than anybody else in the family ever has or likely ever will. My black son is much more gentle, much less assertive, much more tender hearted and easily hurt. My white son has fight inside him and uses it to stand up and speak up.
Wow. I just had another epiphany. I can't ask for black people to help me know what to do any more than I can ask white people to help me know what to do. Each of those groups sees in black or white. I'm seeing technicolor. Thanks everybody. I think I'm done now. I know what I have to do. All I have to do is tell the truth.
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