How do I teach my child about racism? (legal, suspect, stereotypes)

[UtahRoots]

I have a black son and an anglo son. Both are teenagers and are close in age. My husband and I are both Anglo. In my home state none of us have really experienced much overt racism. But as he gets older, we have all noticed that my black son is running into more institutional discrimination.

I sometimes purposefully enter a store a minute or two behind him and then just "happen" to be in the same aisle with him. Quite often store employees show up and pretend to reorganize shelves, but when he leaves the aisle, they do too. I don't have that happen to me, and they don't follow me like they do him.

Last week, both sons received identical stock dividend checks. As the custodian on their accounts, I signed both checks identically. The black son presented his at the credit union. It took almost 20 min. for it to be deposited in his account. He had to show his I.D. to more than one person. The teller went in the back room and stood holding the check while talking to the manager. The manager checked my signature card and gave my son the third degree because the check (and my signature) had my first initial and middle name but the signature card had my full first name and middle name. The next day, my anglo son went into the same branch. His I.D. was checked in a cursory manner. The check was deposited immediately. There were no questions about my signature. The teller didn't involve the manager.

This type of thing is happening more and more often and it enrages me. My son is well spoken, wears the same "T-shirt and Levis" style of clothes as his brother (nothing that could possibly be offensive) and has very good manners. There's absolutely nothing about the situation to explain the difference in the experiences of my sons, other than skin color. I don't know how to handle it. I need advice from black parents. How do you teach your children about institutional discrimination without overdoing it or letting your imagination run wild with you? What do I do? At this point, the mildest response I'm considering is to walk in the credit union with both sons and demand an explanation just so I can make a few people squirm in public. Both sons are up for that idea. What's your best advice?

[Booya]

You teach by example of course.

[UtahRoots]

Well, yes. Point taken. I think I do demonstrate in my daily life that prejudice is never acceptable. My question, I guess, is how do I teach him (by example) to stand up and fight against it? What's best? Do I teach him to assertively demand accountability ? Or do I teach him to be patient and fight discrimination by living free of it himself? Or do I teach him to point it out to people when they're allowing stereotypes to rule their behavior? I just go back and forth between extremes of responses. I figure that a couple of hundred years of parenting experience on the issue exists in this country, and since I never faced discrimination myself while growing up, I'm trying to mine the collective experience of others for the best possible advice in dealing with it now, as a parent.

[Backspace]

Do you have any real proof of him dealing with racism or are these the only situations you have to speak of?

If I were you I'd make sure that both of your sons know that they're equal in every way and that neither of them should rely on their skin color as a crutch throughout life.

[Booya]

I would suspect that both of your sons, since they are teenagers, already have a pretty good idea about racism. I would just continue to do what you are doing. We can't change other peoples attitudes and actions. It sounds like you are doing all the right things now.

[Irishiis49]

Has your black son noticed the differing treatment and brought it to your attention ? Or perhaps your motherly instinct to protect your child is making you more sensitive to these situations? You need to strike a balance between preparing him for lifes harsh realities while at the same time not giving him a chip on his shoulder.

[theother]

Basically what your black son is going through is just part of life..

[TylerJAX]

You're one of the few white people that I've heard of refering to themselves as "Anglo" lol.

Have a talk with him about how some people might percieve and treat him based on their own prejudices and/or bigotry. As for how to handle it, that's just something he's going to learn on his own. For the little things, he'll have to turn the other cheek or use his wit, for the bigger stuff filing a complaint or even legal action might be in order. One thing you should explain to him by the time he's an adult if he hasn't figured it out on his own yet is that he's going to have to put in more effort than his brother would to get to where he wants to in life.

I'm not Black but an Indian Hindu, and this may or may not be good advice; but it's what I'm giving based on my own experiences.

[jaydog32]

I would encourage him to engage people if he thinks he is being treated unfairly. Have him ask the person in question if his (your son's) skin color is affecting the way the other person interacts with him. It might be eye opening for the other person. Encourage his intuition and back him up. Good luck.

[mb1547]

I understand what you're going through. We have 5 sons that we've adopted--all teens and tweens. One of our teens is multiracial. He's good student, good athlete, polite, sweet, honest kid who's been raised in a white upper middle class home, and who has almost entirely white upper middle class friends. He's gone through almost exactly the same things that you've described--followed in stores when his friends haven't been, etc.

It hurts him deeply, and we're struggling with how to help him sort this through as well. It breaks our hearts. I'd really be interested in hearing advice from others who've grown up having to deal with this--we've done our best to raise a self confident, very loved, positive kid, but beyond saying life isn't always fair and that some people are stupid and cruel, but that you have to rise above it, we don't know what to do either.