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How can a person raise their self esteem? I am 28, employed, educated but still feel that I am unattractive because I don't look good and people just don't warm up to me easily. I have some friends but not as many as I should. Sometimes I wish I looked different. I don't like my body built cuz I am bulit funny and wish I had a more universally attractive look and lighter skin complexion. I have lost 12 lbs but I am talking to an overweight 23 yo girl (who I wonder if she really feeling me on that level but that's another story) and she always hang with her family and they take me out to eat alot and her family likes me but all are overweight and have unhealthy eating habits. I am always so busy with organizations, part time job, tutoring, etc that it's hard for me to exercise as much as I want to (4 days a wk) so I can improve my body. How can I feel better about myself and raise my self esteem. I can't afford any more medical bills because I already have a thyroid condition and have too many lab work bills to pay as it is and with gas prices my money disappear quickly.
If it'll make you feel any better....you are not alone.You've got more going for you than a lot of others...a job, an education, and friends.You can't change the way your body looks, except for the weight.You really need to love your body the way it is,even if you need to loose weight, so what, millions of others do too, but is it worth being depressed for...and always wishing for something you can never have?? Not!!! You have a lot of positives in your life, and a family that loves you,...please don't let your outword body appearance play any part in the joy,and delights that life has to offer.
I'd say against pure human, I think you should try to keep going with your exercising. When you see results that usually gives the self esteem a boost...
As for your girls eating habits, it's really about self discipline... I don't know how often you eat with her family, but if it's just once or twice/week you should be fine if you just moderate rather than indulge yourself.
So you can effect your body shape, and tat can in turn help your self esteem a bit, unless your thyroid condition makes a hard impact on this...
The hard part about your appearance seems to be that you are not comfortable with your general attributes that you can't change, like your skin. I have(/had) the same problem, though it has been fading away this last year... What seems to work for me when I go out is to get clothes etc that highlight the good parts of me, like my arms.(for some reason women seem to like my arms).
And also to look around at the guys who do have girlfriends or are successful with women; half of them are ugly as ****, so I tell myself;
"If that sleazebag of an obese midget can bag a girl so should I"
The reason for this is that women are nowhere near as oriented towards looks as we are, (but by all means they are just as shallow, but in other ways.) Sure a great looking guy is gonna have some advantage, but unless his looks are model-class he won't be able to free-ride on just that to get women.
A third thing, and maybe the most important is to do something you're good at, the feeling of success makes us feel good, and what are you when you feel good about yourself and your abilities? Probably confident, with a good self esteem right?
I agree with this. The times in which I've had a lot of sex have been the times when i feel the most confident.
The paradox is that it's hard to get laid as a guy while having self esteem issues, since women mainly seek out guys with high self esteem.
Focusing on the physiological aspect (yours, mine, theirs) still needs to be of primary importance but hopefully that can still be accomplished without sacrificing the OTHER aspects of an actual honest and caring relationship with someone you genuinely enjoy being with and sharing some of the other aspects of your life with in addition to the physical. That said...
For every horny MAN out there with poor self esteem issues...
there are also WOMEN with some similar or reciprocal conundrum.
Be honest about your degree of emotional and physical appeal... then look for parity.
Some time later... presumably as that emotional if not physical appeal is improved? Reassess.
As a society we need to rid ourselves of those dating websites as they have the underlying premise backwards:
Single people need a clearinghouse of candidates to find their "transitional" person: the one who can (and will) meet our reality based current needs far more than we need help to find examples that personify an unhealthy, unrealistic, fantasy based, and almost always quite unrealistic want we just aren't ready for (yet).
Last edited by MrRational; 06-03-2011 at 06:46 AM..
My DH was no great shakes to look at; big ears, covered in freckles, short and built like a fireplug - but all of the girls fell all over him, because he was different. He treated women with respect and expected the same from them. He was practical and rational, kind and honest (often bluntly so). He rarely smiled but had a warm chuckle and a good heart. He didn't put up with crap from anyone; he'd walk away, and would dump a girl in a heartbeat if she started playing games. We were old friends when we finally got married, and the girls who had been chasing him called me and demanded to know how I had 'caught' him. Simply, we had the same goals, the same beliefs, and the same attitude toward life. We've been together over 29 years (not counting the time we were just friends).
When you peel away all of the game-playing, all of the shallowness, all of the manipulation and mind games, and all of the physical attributes, what is left is what matters (and what lasts). Self confidence comes from knowing who you are, what you can do, and doing it with joy - no matter what other people think, say, or do. Only then will you respect yourself - and only then will you find women who respect you, too.
When I think about self esteem, it reminds me of the late Micheal Jackson, a gifted and talented man in many ways. But also a person with self esteem issues--just look at his varios plastic surgeries.
When your values, are in alignment with your behavior your self esteem will increase--for example, if you value a toned, in-shape body, but lay around like a couch potatoe, and eat pizza all day, that behavior is not going to help you with your goals.
Stop thinking about what you think you lack. Look at what you have. No one has everything.
Look at those around you. Be honest, there are some that are smarter, better looking, happier, etc. etc. BUT. There are also those that are dumber, uglier, sadder,etc.etc.etc. This is the way it is for everyone.
So, since you have more than others, you should have the self esteem to acknowledge it.
Start saying to yourself as you go about your day. Yes, I am better looking than that one, I can stand straighter, my hair looks better, my teeth are better, my clothes fit better, my shoes are nicer.
I have soooo much. I am very lucky to be as fortunate as I am. After a while, you should have a better outlook because you will be seeing yourself in a better light.
There are scads of people that are less than you are. Accept what you have and enjoy it!
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