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My situation is no where near as extreme as yours. But my mother shows signs of both NPD and BPD, her sister BPD and a cousin of their's NPD. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Undstanding the Borderline Mother may be helpful to read. At least as far as reognizing the types of BPD mother. Though they include information about maintaining a relationship as an adult, I think your decision to go No Contact is a wise one. I've made the same decision about my mother and golden child brother. Here's what's helping in my healing:
1) Just learning about NPD/BPD has been a huge help for me. It's helping me to understand she's mentally ill and how she treated me is due to her illness, not what I did or said. For years, I tried to please her.
2) Therapy's been helpful. I found a therapist who lists Personality Disorders as a specialty and had his own experience as a child bearing the brunt of narcissistic behaviors.
3) Creating a family of choice. One of my close friend's family invites me to holidays and treats me like one of their own. I have several close friends who are like family. Also some of my saner extended family.
4) Journaling/writing about it. I write about what I'm going through to process it in a blog I have
5) Confronting her "voice"/"tapes" that play in my head. Sometimes I sing to them. I particularly fond of Tom Petty's Don't Come Around here no more. And the following lyrics from Billy Joel's "My Life":
"I don't care what you say anymore this is my life
Go ahead with your own life leave me alone"
"And you can speak your mind
But not on my time"
For me, what was particularly difficult was the differences in the way she treated me and my brother. She'd be sweet and loving to him and ranting and raving to me. No matter what I did, it was never good enough. I'd even get blamed for things my brother did, such as his not finishing his homework (even though I tried to get him to) and the messes he would leave in the home. In a way, it would have been easier to handle if she'd lashed out at both of us, because then I wouldn't have thought it was my fault.
My mother is also a borderline and a heroin addict of 40 years, I always felt I had to walk on egg shells and I was, it seems ALWAYS worried scared and lonely when I was with her. The funny thing is she made me feel like there was something wrong with me for the way I felt and that I had to show her I loved her. My life was beyond chaotic. I had 8 step dads and there were many men in between. My mother ran hot and cold...more cold with me. She always had this boiling animosity and what I now know was a jealously when it came to me, despite the fact that when I was little I idolized her. I was drug all over the country; never able to stay in one place long enough to develop stability or friendships, my emotional, physical and environmental needs were often neglected; had it not been for some of the good men in our life and the kindness of others God knows what could have happened. She is very egocentric, it was and is always about her. She was in volatile and very abusive relationships; I witnessed and was also assaulted repeatedly. I was sexually abused and exposed to her addiction and sexuality entirely too much and when I was too young. All these things impacted me significantly. I did not hate her, not then, I just hated feeling sad, scared and like there was something wrong with me. I even tried to protect her sand felt guilty when I was happy with my grandparents; I worried a lot about her too. As I got a little older I became angry and indignant and even left her when I was not quite 13. Over the years she has hurt so many and even caused the death of the one person who I love the most and of whom she, my mother, seemed to have disdain for her mother, my grandmother. My mother caused devastation wherever she went and in the lives she touched, and still today is a defeated mess. I have overcome a lot of animosity in my life and am now a counselor in the addiction field, I survived, but at 42, from time to time I will find my emotional self back there, good thing I know how to take of myself now...
You have been through so much and you are still standing! I applaud you, you are an unsung heroine......stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself "You are brave, you are so amazing"...because You ARE!!!!
Not your fault your mum acted like she did. She had her own demons and her own problems.
I pray your life from now on will be one of Sunshine......love, peace.
You certainly deserve that.
Into every life some Rain most fall. I think you have had your fair share!
I hope you can use what has happened to you, to grow into a person who can maybe help others someday, who can inspire those who are going through their own turmoil. Maybe you will find a way to do this...a unique way. And sometimes by helping others we refocus and that helps us.
i am 40 year old mother of 5 and recently i became aware that my mom has borderline personality disorder. all my life this woman has treated me so bad that i wonder how i survived. i dont talk to her anymore as a matter of fact i had to get an order of protection. this woman has called acs (in nyc) on me so many times just because she wouldnt get her way. im so done with the sitauation. right now im trying to forgive and not forget. but two weeks ago she almost dield and of course who does the hospital call? me, i knew that it would take something like that for me to see her, but i went and did what a daughter was supposed to do but as soon as they discharged her i havent called or went to visit her. i dont trust that the next time she gets upset she wont do something drastic to me or my family. im in therapy and it has helped alot ive been goin for 6 years but im finally getting it. i cant change the situation but i can remove myself from it. too bad that we dont have those family moments anymore. i have since then started my own traditions with my kids. I WOULD NEVER TREAT MY KIDS LIKE THAT. AND IF I KNEW I WAS I WOULD HAVE WENT TO THERAPY.
my mom also was a drug user. she had so many men in life that when i grew up i thought it was normal. one of her boyfriends even molested me when i was 12. but somehow it was always my fault. when i was young i couldnt have male friends and i had to sneak to be with them. thats probably y i had my first when i was 16. i dont want to blame her cause i know she is sick but i wish things were different for me growing up. i almost turned out like her but i knew something wasnt right. for a while i thought i was the crazy one.
Reading your stories sounds so familiiar. My Father was undiagnosed BPD when I was growing up, and working iwth mental patients now has enabled me to help myself as well as others.
I want to send this note to the OP made-a-mistake
Growing up, I did not know what was wrong with my father. I did not know, I guess, that anything was unusual, not having anything by which to compare. as I got older, I found out that people generally do not treat others the way he treated me, and I think for a while I copied a lot of his bad behaviors, jeopardizing friends and making my self into a generally unlikable person.
That is what BPDs do.
My father was a biggest reason I got into therapy at age 19. I look back on how screwed up my family was then, and it is often unbelievable. I have very little to do with them to this day. Therapy worked for me, I am not even anyone close to who I was when I lived at home. I stilll don't really like my family, probably never will, (even though I try to embrace the Buddhistic acceptance policy) But I like myself enough not to out myself in an unhealthy situation.
The only thing I can suggest is that you are doing the right thing seeking therapy, you must be patient because it does take a while to restructure your thinking to a more healthy level. But It can be done, and life can get better. You are, sadly, not the only one (as you can see) that has been a victem of someone with this disease.
Hang in there, and if you need help ask your therapist, I would hope that he or she would be attuned to your needs and structure the therapy to help you.
I think you are a survivor from a Psychopath and that psychopathy was extended for the rest of the family (brother, sister, stepfather) and you have the right to be happy. You don't have to give more power to your mother than you gave her. Feeling terrorized it's still giving power to her.
my mom also was a drug user. she had so many men in life that when i grew up i thought it was normal. one of her boyfriends even molested me when i was 12. but somehow it was always my fault. when i was young i couldnt have male friends and i had to sneak to be with them. thats probably y i had my first when i was 16. i dont want to blame her cause i know she is sick but i wish things were different for me growing up. i almost turned out like her but i knew something wasnt right. for a while i thought i was the crazy one.
I'm sorry to hear about that. You must've spent years wanting to ask her why it was not ok to run around with boys your own age but it was ok to be abused by her scumbag peers.
Quote:
Originally Posted by exscapegoat
My situation is no where near as extreme as yours. But my mother shows signs of both NPD and BPD, her sister BPD and a cousin of their's NPD. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Undstanding the Borderline Mother may be helpful to read. At least as far as reognizing the types of BPD mother. Though they include information about maintaining a relationship as an adult, I think your decision to go No Contact is a wise one. I've made the same decision about my mother and golden child brother. Here's what's helping in my healing:
1) Just learning about NPD/BPD has been a huge help for me. It's helping me to understand she's mentally ill and how she treated me is due to her illness, not what I did or said. For years, I tried to please her.
2) Therapy's been helpful. I found a therapist who lists Personality Disorders as a specialty and had his own experience as a child bearing the brunt of narcissistic behaviors.
3) Creating a family of choice. One of my close friend's family invites me to holidays and treats me like one of their own. I have several close friends who are like family. Also some of my saner extended family.
4) Journaling/writing about it. I write about what I'm going through to process it in a blog I have
5) Confronting her "voice"/"tapes" that play in my head. Sometimes I sing to them. I particularly fond of Tom Petty's Don't Come Around here no more. And the following lyrics from Billy Joel's "My Life":
"I don't care what you say anymore this is my life
Go ahead with your own life leave me alone"
"And you can speak your mind
But not on my time"
For me, what was particularly difficult was the differences in the way she treated me and my brother. She'd be sweet and loving to him and ranting and raving to me. No matter what I did, it was never good enough. I'd even get blamed for things my brother did, such as his not finishing his homework (even though I tried to get him to) and the messes he would leave in the home. In a way, it would have been easier to handle if she'd lashed out at both of us, because then I wouldn't have thought it was my fault.
I have anxiety from my experiences with her.
That's what helped me too. I hadn't even thought that my mother might have BPD until someone else suggested it. She does definitely show those signs and that of NPD. She is however diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Like you, I blamed myself for years and thought I was no good (I still struggle with that) but at least I don't have someone constantly reminding me. I also realized that it had nothing to do with me, it was her deal. What it took for me was to finally set some serious boundaries with my mom after things came to a giant head with her. I don't have much of a relationship with most of my other family members either and she used to fight with half of them (they don't talk anymore).
Quote:
Originally Posted by MK1970
My mother is also a borderline and a heroin addict of 40 years, I always felt I had to walk on egg shells and I was, it seems ALWAYS worried scared and lonely when I was with her. The funny thing is she made me feel like there was something wrong with me for the way I felt and that I had to show her I loved her. My life was beyond chaotic. I had 8 step dads and there were many men in between. My mother ran hot and cold...more cold with me. She always had this boiling animosity and what I now know was a jealously when it came to me, despite the fact that when I was little I idolized her. I was drug all over the country; never able to stay in one place long enough to develop stability or friendships, my emotional, physical and environmental needs were often neglected; had it not been for some of the good men in our life and the kindness of others God knows what could have happened. She is very egocentric, it was and is always about her. She was in volatile and very abusive relationships; I witnessed and was also assaulted repeatedly. I was sexually abused and exposed to her addiction and sexuality entirely too much and when I was too young. All these things impacted me significantly. I did not hate her, not then, I just hated feeling sad, scared and like there was something wrong with me. I even tried to protect her sand felt guilty when I was happy with my grandparents; I worried a lot about her too. As I got a little older I became angry and indignant and even left her when I was not quite 13. Over the years she has hurt so many and even caused the death of the one person who I love the most and of whom she, my mother, seemed to have disdain for her mother, my grandmother. My mother caused devastation wherever she went and in the lives she touched, and still today is a defeated mess. I have overcome a lot of animosity in my life and am now a counselor in the addiction field, I survived, but at 42, from time to time I will find my emotional self back there, good thing I know how to take of myself now...
My mom was like that when I was growing up too, to a lesser extent. She loved her men, they were in and out all the time. I was lucky that only my stepdad was difficult, but it was still confusing and just generally exhausting. I remember one man telling me when I was really young that he was going to marry my mother. Imagine when I told my mother that and she denied it. Yes it's been a ride, and we did the moving around thing too even though she always said she was nothing like her mother, her mother was worse with moving and abusive men.
My mom never seems to like to see me happy either. Everything is about her. If I get a little joy out of anything she's got to deflate it like some giant balloon. Before I started setting boundaries with her she'd constantly bring up topics that depressed me or that she knew aggravated me. She hurt me a lot, liked to kick me when I was down. I was ready to cut her out of my life last fall but I didn't talk to her for awhile, and now we're doing okay. When I talk to her on the phone I keep it at a minimum. I don't talk about things I don't want to talk about anymore, and I rarely visit her anymore.
I feel a great deal of sympathy for you. This sort of domestic emotional abuse is just as bad as physical or sexual abuse, but it doesn't get the same level of public awareness.
This is so true. In some ways it is worse, because at least you can show others your bruises. Be safe friend, and continue to tell and get the help you need and want. You are making your life yours. Bless you, jannd
I grew up with a BPD mother who also is bipolar, and a father who emotionally checked out of his marriage and his children's lives (as well as his own life) by the time I was 5. However, my mother was not officially diagnosed until after my father's death by our family therapist. After this diagnosis, my mother quit the family therapy sessions, which forced my siblings and I to also abandon family therapy.
Growing up with my parents' dysfunctional interpersonal skills definitely skewed the way my siblings and I learned to socially relate to people. We all walked on eggshells around both my parents because we never knew when either our mother or father would snap and scream hysterically at us.
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Yes it's been a ride, and we did the moving around thing too even though she always said she was nothing like her mother, her mother was worse with moving and abusive men. 
My mother has BPD too so I can relate
