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Based on the little information we have, I'd be concerned that he may be suffering from depression. I don't mean moping and feeling sorry for himself, I mean actual clinical depression. It can be a difficult slog to get yourself out of that kind of spiral. He may benefit from treatment.
Ask if you can know what he's doing on the computer so that you can offer him your angle/take/food for thought. Be sure to say it's not about prying, but about increasing satisfaction and problem-solving (see next bit). Okay, now I'll use the next 10 seconds to say something blunt: Staying at home + messy house = psychological problems in most cases. Please don't take that in the wrong way -- Several mental problems can be solved with love + professional help. Knowing what he's doing on the computer can also give you insight into why he thinks it's fine to have a messy home minus the excuse of having an 8-hour-a-day job, which he doesn't have. If you find that he's trying to drum up business or trying to reinvent himself, or learning lots of xyz, then great, maybe you can give unique advice to help him with that, if you feel comfortable and know a thing or 2 about his field. If he's wrecking himself via instant gratification, then you've got problems sweety. JMO
"If you're going to end your life, then do it. If you're going to LIVE your life, then do it. But don't wallow around in the middle of the road."
I know that sounds awful. But a life spent marking time, wasting time, until its end is not a life well lived, and you know that. So you need to decide...are you prepared to contemplate the end of this relationship? Why or why not? If not, then a brutal intervention is in order. "Lose" a few necessary cables for the computer, or otherwise disable or remove it from him. He can seek work without it, the hard way, by hitting the pavement like in the old days. Tell him to go pick up a newspaper. Tell him if he doesn't want to work, he'd better at least go volunteer. The world is not in such a shape that an able bodied man can just sit on arse all day, that is a disgusting waste.
As for what he's doing with that computer all day...well, instant gratification is exactly what it is. He's amusing himself with the ladies of the interwebs, and/or playing online games. Does he play World of Warcraft? That needs to stop.
He may very well be suffering from depression. But if so, it is the kind that is feeding on itself every day that you and he allow this to continue. Taking a pill won't change these behaviors. The cycle has got to be broken...and it's going to be ugly for a minute...but if he resumes LIVING, he'll thank you later. If not, you really should consider moving on for your own well being.
This isn't about needing money or greed, or being a woman after fancy shoes or looking for "meaning" in coed-webcams-r-us. This is about a cancer of unhealthy behavior in the heart of the household. If there are kids, that's even worse...because his example is awful, AND it will be that much harder to make the choice to leave, if that's what has to happen.
He sounds clinically depressed to me, and very much so. I'd give him an ultimatum: seek professional treatement (talk therapy and meds, if necessary) for six months--or else you leave. But it's useless to make this ultimatum unless you are willing to carry it out. So make sure you have a plan of action to do so--a way to pay for his treatment, as well as a place to live, a way to get to work, and money in the bank if things dont work out. And most important, make sure you have your own support for when you leave (if you must), whether that's family, church, friends, another professional, or someone else. Anonymous Internet forums will only get you so far.
Whether he is clinically depressed or not, something is obviously wrong. As his wife, it's your job to help him correct whatever it is. And if nyou cannot help him help himself, they you have a right to your own life.
a.) Question to the OP: Why on Earth did you marry this guy? You must have had a reason, Right? You've been deadly quiet about that.
b.) Question to the OP(2): What has happened during that period (about 6 months) before you noticed this guy was spending time on the computer?
c.) Question to the OP (3): What was your characterization of the state of Marriage and how did you come to understand that it was shared by this guy?
OK, now.....if you did your homework, we now have some information to work with.
1.) IF your husband shared your view of Marriage and that view was a non-toxic one, you have a relationship that can be depended upon to support the two of you as you struggle through his unemployment and situational depression. Get off your collective lazy backsides and set some limits for each other.
2.) If your husband lied about sharing your view of Marriage, you are being used for food and shelter and occasional sex and if you don't have any more respect for yourself than to let that happen, then you already have a dozen posts from people working to help you bail.
3.) If you did not have a solid idea of what Marriage was about and just sorta went with the flow hoping everything would turnout alright you are reaping exactly what you sowed. Marriage is hard work followed by a lot more hard work. Yes you can always bailout----Hell, ANYBODY knows that. Thats an option that is always sitting there waiting any time you want to use it. The other option is to get off your pity-pot....quit waiting for the other person to do something and get to work!!
Now......lets cut to the chase, OP. Do you or do you NOT want to be Married and Married to the guy you are married to right now?
Yes or No?
(Oh...and BTW: You are not responsible for this guy, nor are you required to "fix" whats broken. You are bound by your word to be Inter-dependent with this mate. That means you agree to the extent to which you choose to be dependent and independent--- and in what areas.)
Thanks for your thoughtful input. I was traveling and just got to my beach condo rental and CD alerted me there were replies. Thanks!
This is my 3rd go-round so not new to this rodeo, just this permutation. I left my other 2 for other reasons. He is a sweet, kind, gentle guy and that's what attracted me to him. When we met, he had his own business that was floundering as he needed to get a license. He worked on that and got it, and I thought things would take off from there. But instead his business got progressively worse. More competition plus he is not a good business-person though a good technician. And he doesn't make much effort. He said in counseling (I paid for many sessions) that if his own business can't make it, he does not want to work for anyone else. He has even gotten offers from headhunters but refuses to leave our area.
Occasionally, work will drop in his lap and he will do it. But that may be a couple times a month. And I bust my behind 5 or 6 days a week at a physically demanding job. Others have suggested depression and it would seem likely except that HE seems content. He's pretty cheerful, upbeat but takes NO initiative about anything, even for a "date" for us. The Internet surfing I've observed during the day is news reports and others' blogs. He never types so I doubt he's communicating with anyone.
Coming home from work late at night I've caught him on porn, passed out in his chair. He's a heavy drinker too. I drink as well, so am not too critical of that, except he passes out every night shortly after (if not before) I come home. It's like no one is home! Ends up on the couch til dawn.
But to be honest, I have a free place to live with a pleasant roommate who makes no demands of me. There are no kids, no mortgage. I checked with his credit card co. and I am not liable. We have separate bank accounts. I don't mind the occasional boring few minutes of sex, ....
I am not being "used" as it is HIS place he's had for 20 some years before I came on the scene. We split food costs and there are no utilities so I actually have it pretty sweet depending on your POV. I'd probably get next to nothing if we divorced, maybe the paid-for car, according to one lawyer I consulted. We've been married 7 years.
This is why I'm so confused in my head. I wouldn't be better off materialistically if I left...I love where I live and I love him like an eccentric relative I don't approve of, but have some love for anyway. He's just not partnership material with no plans towards the future. I feel alone, like I must plan for myself and my own future "retirement", whatever that means in this day and age. I do feel some love for him, but the frustration is killing me. I must adjust my own thinking and that has me trapped.
Men are attracted to me quite a bit, but I have given up thinking anyone will "rescue" me or provide a future for me. I am responsible for me, no one else. That's why I seek advice wherever I can. I really appreciate all this input!
But to be honest, I have a free place to live with a pleasant roommate who makes no demands of me. There are no kids, no mortgage. I checked with his credit card co. and I am not liable. We have separate bank accounts. I don't mind the occasional boring few minutes of sex, ....
Well, as good as it must feel to get away, unless this is a business trip, or a freebie from some relative, the whole beach condo thing might not have been the best call. You don't need to respond to that...honestly if it was or wasn't, you know and that is all that matters. I'm not judging you...I guess I say this because I'm super guilty of spending too much on travel this last year when I should have been saving. Anyways, I'd definitely suggest you work on building up a nest egg for yourself. Use the time of free housing, however long you can deal with this relationship, to squirrel away funds without his knowledge, for the future. And no, I'm not implying you must plan to leave him, but obviously whatever your choice you will need some savings to pull it off...
Good points re saving money, etc. This vacation is actually a recognisance effort to find my own little piece of property that will be just mine. I can pay it off while I'm still working, use it for winter vacations instead of paying for a rental, and eventually retire there.
So I have a plan, and it doesn't involve him. If we work things out, maybe eventually he'll be a part of it, but this is my own deal. It seems to me the most prudent way to proceed....I have 4 months on my own to figure it out, so that's a plus!
Thanks for the good wishes! It does help to bounce ideas and problems off others who have different perspectives we need to hear.
Oh and what does he get from me? Companionship, snuggling, sex, cooking, ego-gratification at having a "hot" wife...and we do a few fun activities together. I quit nagging him about anything over a year ago, so there's "peace", except in my mind! Hence my plan...
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