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I can only speak for myself on this, but personally, the problem I have with the whole standard concept of "forgiveness" is the word itself. It sounds like granting grace for bad behavior. I don't like the word at all.
What I do when someone doesn't apologize for hurting me, is just seek understanding, love, and release.
To me, that's not the same as forgiveness.
Forgiveness, is merely that thing you do when someone apologizes.
Offender: "I'm sorry"
Offended: "I forgive you."
THAT'S IT!
But the concept of "forgiveness" in society today is kind of along the same lines as feeling obligated to find a way to say "you're welcome" to someone who never said "thank you" for a gift. How do you do that? And what sense does that make? And if you refuse to do this, then you're often held to the stigma of being considered a "bitter, grudge-holding person" who is "no better than them." Meanwhile, the offender is held to no such standard or pressure. That's the perfect breeding ground for anger and resentment. This pressure to be the "bigger person" and forgive is honestly B.S. in my opinion. We already have to move on without being apologized to. I think that's unfair enough. We don't need to grant them any forgiveness.
If someone DOESN'T apologize.... then I don't forgive. I don't even allow the person to place me in that position.
In the case of someone having deeply offended or hurt me without apologizing.... I understand, learn from it, release, and let go. To me, that's something totally different.
The whole vibe around the word "forgive" is to grant relief to the wrongdoer. In fact, that's an actual dictionary definition, I think. "To grant pardon." I've seen that somewhere.
When you ask for forgiveness from a person for YOURSELF, isn't that what you're asking for? A pardon or relief from what you did? "Can you forgive me?"
So to forgive....... that's someone doing something crappy to you, and you saying, "I'm granting YOU relief."
No... I'm not. lol I'm understanding, learning from the bad you've brought to my life, and I'm letting go. That's granting ME relief.
A wrongdoer who didn't apologize doesn't deserve a "pardon."
If you look up the dictionary definition, "forgiveness" literally IS for the benefit of someone else. So people saying, "forgive for yourself" doesn't even make any sense.
Personally, I seek understanding, learn from it, send love to the person's higher self, and let their negative energy/wrong doing dissolve into the ethers.... for ME. I RELEASE.... I don't "forgive."
I think the best is to forgive the person so you can move on. Now that does not mean forget what the person did and I know there are circumstances where its not that easy. In fact I am dealing with one now where the guy lied to be about his sexual orientation and I have not been able to forgive him so I have not been able to move on while he has a girlfriend. Now that I am close to the point where I can forgive him I am able to date again and somewhat trust guys but that does not mean I will forget and I have no desire to ever talk to that guy again.
3.) This quote from the book "Living with Joy" by Sanaya Roman: As you look back with your memories, reviewing past relationships and career paths (even those you are still in but letting go of), see how they served you. What you have now would not be possible without those experiences. You cannot leave something until you love it. (<-- Note: That sentence was an "A-ha!" moment for me, as Oprah would put it. ) The more you hate something, the more you are bound to it, and the more you love it, the freer you are. So as you love your past, you are free from it.
You can release the past by loving it.
That, in a nutshell, is my new religion on the concept of "forgiveness." I agree with the woman in the second video. The word isn't my cup of tea either. Like her, I just prefer to call it "Release."
Worse yet, I've never seen a forgiven people change their behavior for the better.
I don't see any worth in it, really. If they apologize, then yes. Forgiveness is sweet, courteous, and ties it all up nicely.
But if don't know they hurt you because you haven't told them, or worse, they know but don't want to offer up an apology.... then who cares? If they don't care they've caused you harm, they won't care about being forgiven.
Just reach a point of understanding & compassion, use the experience to grow stronger, send the offender's higher self love, and move on.
Break the chains and heal with love, for yourself.
It also doesn't mean that you have to keep taking it. I still have difficulty completely forgiving my ex-husband for the things he did. I hope I can, someday. But that doesn't mean I had to keep putting up with the mofo doing the same things over and over again. Out the door he went.
been there and done that--to me it means letting go of the anger(but not stopping from once in a while wishing you can hear that the ex has lost his hair,teeth,mind,and ALL his money)
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