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I agree here. When it occurs inside one's family, forgetting, or even comprehending, is much harder.
Forgiving is overrated.
I used to be much more forgiving w/ the useless family I was born into. Then after repeatedly getting manipulated used, & betrayed, I changed my way of looking at it.
I didn't need to forgive- I needed to cut them out of my life.
Forgiving is overrated.
I used to be much more forgiving w/ the useless family I was born into. Then after repeatedly getting manipulated used, & betrayed, I changed my way of looking at it.
I didn't need to forgive- I needed to cut them out of my life.
It is possible to forgive internally.
And then cut then person out of your life.
I've gotten good at that.
Forgiving eases past anger and hatred and cutting them out handles the future.
I was not raised in a religion and sometimes I am envious of those who find wisdom and guidance in their faith. For the past year I have been wrestling with distressful emotions related to my relationship with my son. We had a very serious difference at Christmas last year and every day I have to work hard at not dwelling on this problem in my life. I have not forgiven him for the cruelness he exhibited towards me. I have lost respect for him and don't wish to spend time with him. I have read books and discussed this problem in my life with others but still cannot find a path toward forgiveness. I would love to forgive because I would like the inner peace it would bring to my life. For now, I have a stone in my heart and no solutions. I wish I could just magically forgive because it would be a wonderful luxury to have a clear head and a clear heart. If I could, I would. When the ones you love the most in your life shred your heart, forgiveness can be too elusive to capture.
I've witnessed this kind of thing up close and know it's heartbreaking stuff. My condolences.
Sometimes parents and their grown children are so different in their personalities that they're toxic for each other and the best thing for it is some space -- some time apart. You haven't said how old your son is but if he's younger than his late 20's he may still have some growing up to do, some brain wiring to finish up, etc. But the hard thing for you is grieving the loss of what you envisioned being a parent would be like -- and not knowing if it will ever be repaired. Few things are tougher than that.
Don't go the "you're dead ta me" route. That doesn't mean the door is open for further abuse, that you have no boundaries. But you need to allow for the prodigal to return, if and when he's willing to do so appropriately.
That, for what it's worth, is what I've concluded from what I've seen (and to a much lesser extent, experienced) personally.
I would like to be that way, but I still fantasize about my ex getting run over with a steamroller.
We've been divorced for ten years now, but because of his undying love for beer and his bar buddies, he lost a good job (again) because he did and said stupid things while drunk, and once more, it cost me money. We are supposed to be splitting the cost of our daughter's college education, but I have had to pay two of "his" semesters now because he cannot get loans without a job.
Meanwhile, he just sits home all day and collects his unemployment while my replacement takes care of him.
I'll keep working on that forgiveness thing, though.
same here but I'm the furtherest thing from religious so of course I fantasize.
I agree that hatred is a poison. in fact in some cases it is extremely wrong and speaks volumes about you (but that is not cases appropriate to this thread) but it is hard not to hate someone when they've really screwed you over, especially if by small chance you've had a life like I had.
I wish I could go back to being angry. I was a lot happier then. I think the thing about anger is as long as you do not stay angry for too long it is not toxic because hey we all get angry every now and again. sometimes it's even fun to jam along to an angry song and wishing karma would bite them in the butt is perfectly fine. if the anger gets to be too much that's when it turns to sadness/upset/despair. through circumstances that is what happened to me.
if I knew how to turn it off I would but how do you just go numb when genetics are involved? I envy people who never knew their father they probly don't go through this. for years I stayed angry at him and I was fine with that until that one day I saw him in public and the words about how I'm going to regret not patching things up started to reply in my head, I was never the same. it also doesn't help that he owes us money for his past and mom was supposed to get his retirement when he retired 2 years ago. we won't get it for another 6 months at least.
When I've been wronged, I simply put a headstone over their name! "Give me one more chance!" falls on deaf ears! We're here on this planet for too short of a time to waste it on the knowable facts: the high probability this person is not going to change. Isn't 50% of our personality cast in concrete at age 7?
I fell for that line too many times in my younger days and wasted an inordinate amount of precious time, all for naught! 3 relationships with alcoholics: Forgive me! Give me another chance!
When I've been wronged, I simply put a headstone over their name! "Give me one more chance!" falls on deaf ears! We're here on this planet for too short of a time to waste it on the knowable facts: the high probability this person is not going to change. Isn't 50% of our personality cast in concrete at age 7?
I fell for that line too many times in my younger days and wasted an inordinate amount of precious time, all for naught! 3 relationships with alcoholics: Forgive me! Give me another chance!
I'd go with 85% at 17. I swear, hardly anyone I know has changed MUCH.
Forgiveness has more to do with the forgiver than the forgiven. It is letting go of the need for vengeance, ultimately; clinging is harmful to the wronged person. Besides, forgiving someone has nothing to do with trusting them. I forgive people who have done me great harm but I do not trust them again unless and until they have earned that trust. I don't understand why people muddy the waters with sayings like "forgive and forget", either.
That's pretty much it.
Like most Christian morals, I think it has mostly to do with trying not to harbor ill will or resentment and in part to realize that we all can make mistakes. For the forgiver's sake.
To be Altrusitic (which is nigh impossible for mortals) then to be "stepped on" while forgiving would be viewed as weak by our current culture. Though in some circles i.e. Martyrdom while forgiving, is viewed as a positive act.
Though I don't know if forgiveness is a "one and done" act. Nor do I think that it means you have to be weak willed or "stepped on" to perform.
robertpolyglot..it definitely IS good for ones own self to forgive...the trick is to NOT forget, so that the offender doesn't get the chance to repeat.
I can forgive everyone very easily, but forgiveness doesn't mean I have to extend trust to repeat offenders.
Agree with this. It is subjective. depends on how you feel about the particular person. If they repeat negative behaviour, comments, its time to move on, imo. Life is just too short.
OP we must've went to similar Catholic school. Lifes alot simpler /black and white,the way they described it, lol.
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