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I've never seen this talked about here, but as it is a topic with major ramifications for all areas of living, I think it's worthy of discussion.
What is your "anger" style? Do you let it all build up until you are finally set off, or are you more "proactive" and moderate in your style of expressing anger?
I am the former. I'm a very non-confrontational, passive person, which makes me vulnerable to abuse and bullying by those who would take advantage of me in virtually any environment except home, where I am willing to express offense but also say I am sorry for any slight that I may have committed (and do expect to be forgiven in return). Outside of home I do not really show my anger until a "boiling" point, which is rarely reached. For example, I usually do not express any impatience at slight faults or behaviors I consider to be undesirable, nor do I at isolated insults or criticism. In fact, I might even laugh at those. I do not really feel anything either. However, if I am repeatedly insulted or criticized, and view the source of these attacks as worthy of indignation, I can blow.
Are you in your early 20s or younger? I ask because an adult repeatedly insulting and criticizing an adult acquaintance is not typical behavior. Also adults don't typically choose to spend time with other adults who don't treat them with respect.
Are you in your early 20s or younger? I ask because an adult repeatedly insulting and criticizing an adult acquaintance is not typical behavior. Also adults don't typically choose to spend time with other adults who don't treat them with respect.
Yes, I am in my mid-20s. The situation in which this occurs is unavoidable.
I find that I use a very passive style as well, which involves alot of facade maintenance and repression. It is not healthy and it is important to learn how to be assertive. I'm attending a program now that will give me some skills to maintain assertiveness without becoming aggressive, and of course avoiding just letting people ride roughshod over you.
I took an assertiveness training course and read a couple of books on the subject when I was in my mid 20s and was trying to deal with a very difficult boss.
It literally changed my life. As I practiced the techniques, my self-confidence soared. Now, many years later, I still use those techniques. They come in very handy in unmoderated forums for example.
Location: On the "Left Coast", somewhere in "the Land of Fruits & Nuts"
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Originally Posted by Inebriated Duck
I find that I use a very passive style as well, which involves alot of facade maintenance and repression. It is not healthy and it is important to learn how to be assertive. I'm attending a program now that will give me some skills to maintain assertiveness without becoming aggressive, and of course avoiding just letting people ride roughshod over you.
Good topic, and IMO everyone should understand their own limits and how they manage strong emotions, instead of always acting like they're something ''beyond their control''. And yes, a lot of "polite suppression" (aka, facade maintenance and repression) tends to be my style too. Though when I finally ''max out'', no problem being ''assertive''.
But something I've also found is that it depends a lot on the local ''culture'' where you live, as some folks often misread ''politeness'' and being '' easy-going'' as weakness and opportunity, and may often deal with you accordingly! IMHO, maintaining healthy ''boundries'' is key!
Things don't really make me angry anymore. But when I do get really mad, I get to a place alone, and let it out, scream say some choice words, really let go. Then I'm good.
I tend to be extremely passive-aggressive. I'm a person who hates confrontation - yet I'm not actually particularly tolerant and do get angry and frustrated easily and just keep it inside. With DH, I tend to get cold and withdrawn, sulk, be sarcastic, although I do try to talk things out first but DH tends to shut off conversations he doesn't want to hear, which makes it difficult. Outside the home, I'll give people 'the evil eye', or make a polite yet cold/snide request/comment if someone does something like try to cut in line, being pushy in public transit, etc.
There are many examples of anger. Take for example a person who yells and threatens to burn down your house. Then another one says nothing I walks away without a word (passive). Another walks away and says nothing and the next day your house burns down with you inside. In death a person can ask of the last two which one was it or was it the one who made the original threat to burn down your house.
That is my life and death scenario. Fear is always a good feeling to experience regularly. I have met sociopaths who lack fear and are defenseless against an opponent who recognizes their thumbscrew. I once had an argument with a man who said he could control my mind and read and experience my thoughts. I met another man who said the greatest power a man can have it to be able to influence and control the thoughts and behaviors of others without having to be physically present.
I have met many interesting people in this world, those that internalize their feelings are helpless because nobody can get to them. I avoid conflicts at all costs, because I am very skilled with dealing in conflicts with others. I had an abusive father who I would regularly would decimate in verbal battles from early childhood. I reminded him why his mother died, she took her own life. I regularly make up stories and scenarios to relate to others.
I think anger is partially culturally inheirted, part of your "culture" that you grew up in. I grew up in a white, Anglo Saxon home, very religious. We don't get "angry", we just are quiet. Things are "discussed".
Contrast that, with my ex, Hispanic, grew up in a home, where flashes of rage, throwing chairs, screaming and yelling, are common place, even at dinner. Then, time for dessert, no problem.
What? Believe me, find out if anger styles "mesh" before getting married.
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