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I'd really like this thread to remain positive and I hope that everyone (myself included! ) can avoid personal insults and unnecessarily inflammatory rhetoric.
All families and people of all sorts of backgrounds have their own set of unique challenges. One type of family with a particular set of challenges is a family with different races living under one roof. Some of the situations can be funny, some can be frustrating, and some can be heartbreaking.
With the number of biracial relationships and marriages (and subsequently children) growing at an amazing pace over the past ten or so years, many families are affected by the attitudes and actions of others - neighbors, extended family, etc. Many single race families don't grapple with these same situations, so, speaking from personal experience, those in the biracial/multiracial family are often caught by surprise. My goal with this thread is to discuss the various sorts of situations, how we've handled them in, what's worked and what hasn't worked, the effects (positive and negative) of children raised in a mixed race family, and our advice to others contemplating building a mixed race family.
Anyway, anyone want to share advice, frustrations, etc?
Well, I guess not. Oh well! I guess everyone's getting along just fine. We are at my house, but we have had some funny things happen over the years. We've also had some drama flare up occasionally but as long as my kids are well adjusted and comfortable in their own skin, I'd say we've navigated the experience well.
Well, I guess not. Oh well! I guess everyone's getting along just fine. We are at my house, but we have had some funny things happen over the years. We've also had some drama flare up occasionally but as long as my kids are well adjusted and comfortable in their own skin, I'd say we've navigated the experience well.
Lol. We have a wide assortment in my family. Plus we take in strays. It looks like the opening session of the U.N. when we're all together. But NO WAY I'm going to say, "We all get along great" because someone will come here and say, "No you don't!"
Last edited by DewDropInn; 01-06-2014 at 04:48 PM..
Lol. We have a wide assortment in my family. Plus we take in strays. It looks like the opening session of the U.N. when we're all together. But NO WAY I'm going to say, "We all get along great" because someone will come here and say, "No you don't!"
LOL you're right!
Our family is the same way. Actually we DO get along great in our family - and I am really proud of my parents (who set the international tone by adopting my brother from Korea forty five years ago) who have completely and excitedly embraced each new ethnic group as they've entered the family circle. Also, their friends have pleasantly surprised me as well. Seems the Old Guard is crumbling and I'm glad to see it go. Also, the more they get to know people (they moved to a retirement community a year or so ago) they realize that many of THEIR families are multiracial as well - and the numbers are increasing.
I think it's a great direction for our society to take.
I have a couple biracial cousins. We couldn't stand them growing up. They lived pretty far away, but when they visited, their parents (black father was my uncle married to a white woman) had a way of treating them like little pampered princesses and the rest of us like nuisances in our own home. For example, they had a very early, strict bedtime of like 6 or 7 pm. After that time, they didn't want us to make any noise, talk too loud, watch TV, even flush the toilet! We used to have this big chime clock in our living room with a key to wind it up, and when wound, it would chime VERY loudly every hour on the hour. I used to wind it up when they came just out of spite. They only ate certain things which my mother always went out her way to make and get for them, which was just the kind of person she was. She didn't drink at all, but would go out and buy beer and wine for the parents. The kids only drank milk, which we hated, but she made sure it was available for them. Their mother would scrub our floor for her baby to crawl on, like it was too dirty, and I can assure you that our house was ALWAYS clean. They would bring their cat without asking if anybody minded. If one of their kids so much as whimpered, they were glaring at us like "what did you do to her?" When we visited them, we had to eat poached eggs instead of scrambled because that's what THEY ate, lights out at 7, get up when they got up, drink milk instead of juice...absolutely no changes in their lives that they expected us to make every time they visited. We hated them as children, resented them as we got older, and pretty much never wanted to be bothered with them. As kids, naturally, we assumed that because they were half white they thought they were better than we were, even though it was more likely just being raised by self centered and rude parents.
Unfortunately, even as adults, we still aren't close with them. I've never really thought about how they might have felt, or if they felt different or uncomfortable around us, which they probably did. I don't think it helps when people make them feel even more different by saying things like "mixed kids are so beautiful" or "biracial children are always gorgeous, they have the best of both worlds," etc. Not only is that separating the biracial child from their peers and making them feel either superior or just awkward and "different," it's degrading other children of one race. How is a biracial child more beautiful than a black child, or a white child? I think multiracial families can be loving, close, and successful families by embracing their differences and realizing that beauty comes in ALL colors and shades. That way, there wouldn't be the resentments that came to exist in my family.
And for the person who left the anonymous rep reading "Can you imagine if this post read 'I have black cousins? Holy racist!'"...if they're black they're black, so what? The thread is about biracial and multiracial families, if you're so offended by someone stating the race of who they're talking about, don't click on a thread about race. Holy stupid!
I have a couple biracial cousins. We couldn't stand them growing up. They lived pretty far away, but when they visited, their parents (black father was my uncle married to a white woman) had a way of treating them like little pampered princesses and the rest of us like nuisances in our own home. For example, they had a very early, strict bedtime of like 6 or 7 pm. After that time, they didn't want us to make any noise, talk too loud, watch TV, even flush the toilet! We used to have this big chime clock in our living room with a key to wind it up, and when wound, it would chime VERY loudly every hour on the hour. I used to wind it up when they came just out of spite. They only ate certain things which my mother always went out her way to make and get for them, which was just the kind of person she was. She didn't drink at all, but would go out and buy beer and wine for the parents. The kids only drank milk, which we hated, but she made sure it was available for them. Their mother would scrub our floor for her baby to crawl on, like it was too dirty, and I can assure you that our house was ALWAYS clean. They would bring their cat without asking if anybody minded. If one of their kids so much as whimpered, they were glaring at us like "what did you do to her?" When we visited them, we had to eat poached eggs instead of scrambled because that's what THEY ate, lights out at 7, get up when they got up, drink milk instead of juice...absolutely no changes in their lives that they expected us to make every time they visited. We hated them as children, resented them as we got older, and pretty much never wanted to be bothered with them. As kids, naturally, we assumed that because they were half white they thought they were better than we were, even though it was more likely just being raised by self centered and rude parents.
Unfortunately, even as adults, we still aren't close with them. I've never really thought about how they might have felt, or if they felt different or uncomfortable around us, which they probably did. I don't think it helps when people make them feel even more different by saying things like "mixed kids are so beautiful" or "biracial children are always gorgeous, they have the best of both worlds," etc. Not only is that separating the biracial child from their peers and making them feel either superior or just awkward and "different," it's degrading other children of one race. How is a biracial child more beautiful than a black child, or a white child? I think multiracial families can be loving, close, and successful families by embracing their differences and realizing that beauty comes in ALL colors and shades. That way, there wouldn't be the resentments that came to exist in my family.
VERY interesting perspective!
My ex husband is African American. I am white. I never even thought about this topic you bring up till a few weeks ago, literally, when one of my African American nieces sent me what was actually a very sweet email about how she felt about our family. It really surprised me and it touched me that this beautiful and successful young woman would be so open to me, especially after I have been divorced from her "blood related" uncle for so long.
IN the message, she told me that she had been jealous of our kids for a long time, that her mother, my exhusband's sister, and her grandmother (his mother) had always made such a big deal about him - how successful he is (that's true) and how beautiful his kids were yada yada yada. Meanwhile, her own mom was a single mom, living in a ghetto, and her two girls were very dark complected. Now -please note that I was completely oblivious to all this. When we visited I just loved up on those two little girls, and thought they were precious, and my kids played with them in a completely normal manner.
After I divorced the dad, he talked so much smack and so many lies about me and my family that it was ridiculous. She was a little girl so she believed a lot of this stuff for a long time. It wasn't till she got a lot older and got out of that ghetto and made her own successful life (I am very proud of her) that she reconnected with MY kids and with me. Come to find out, to everyone's delight, that blood is thicker than water - she and my kids respect and appreciate each other as adults and now communicate all the time about their marriages, babies, etc. She began reaching out to me, for instance on Facebook, and asking me little questions over the years, and then out of the blue a few weeks ago I got this heart rending message about how she had struggled with a feeling of inadequacy, brought on by HER family - her own mother and grandmother and uncle - not MY family (me, my kids). It broke my heart that people made her feel less than special, less than beautiful.
My ex husband is African American. I am white. I never even thought about this topic you bring up till a few weeks ago, literally, when one of my African American nieces sent me what was actually a very sweet email about how she felt about our family. It really surprised me and it touched me that this beautiful and successful young woman would be so open to me, especially after I have been divorced from her "blood related" uncle for so long.
IN the message, she told me that she had been jealous of our kids for a long time, that her mother, my exhusband's sister, and her grandmother (his mother) had always made such a big deal about him - how successful he is (that's true) and how beautiful his kids were yada yada yada. Meanwhile, her own mom was a single mom, living in a ghetto, and her two girls were very dark complected. Now -please note that I was completely oblivious to all this. When we visited I just loved up on those two little girls, and thought they were precious, and my kids played with them in a completely normal manner.
After I divorced the dad, he talked so much smack and so many lies about me and my family that it was ridiculous. She was a little girl so she believed a lot of this stuff for a long time. It wasn't till she got a lot older and got out of that ghetto and made her own successful life (I am very proud of her) that she reconnected with MY kids and with me. Come to find out, to everyone's delight, that blood is thicker than water - she and my kids respect and appreciate each other as adults and now communicate all the time about their marriages, babies, etc. She began reaching out to me, for instance on Facebook, and asking me little questions over the years, and then out of the blue a few weeks ago I got this heart rending message about how she had struggled with a feeling of inadequacy, brought on by HER family - her own mother and grandmother and uncle - not MY family (me, my kids). It broke my heart that people made her feel less than special, less than beautiful.
Shame on them.
Yes, unfortunately, some black people have been completely brainwashed into believing that the lighter your skin is and the straighter your hair is, the more beautiful you are. I am very glad my mother never bought into that crap and quickly corrected anybody who said or implied such nonsense around her. I've known black families who do just that, treat the lighter skinned children better, constantly praise their "good" hair and how pretty they are, openly and in front of the other kids. I've seen it with my own dd, when a preschool teacher kept fawning over her skin and hair and had nothing to say but "she is sooooo pretty" as she sat in with other little black girls, just as pretty, but in the teacher's ignorant view, not worthy of attention because they were darker. I told the teacher "these little girls are pretty too," and she said rather dismissively, "yeah, they're cute, but she's soooo pretty." I'm sure she was had no clue about why I requested my dd be moved to a different class. That is NOT what I want her being taught. Even if you have parents who know better, if you are a black child in America, you're going to hear it from somewhere. Parents of black children have to make a special effort to instill a sense of confidence and self esteem in our children, especially our daughters. It is very sad that no one ever did that for your niece, and I'm glad to hear that she discovered it for herself.
I'm not really sure if at this point my cousins will ever be close with this side of the family. I think it was more THEIR parents that created the distance, and now that we're all adults, we don't have much in common. I'm facebook friends with them, but that's about it. We didn't grow up together or have any happy childhood memories, like I do with all my other cousins. When we do see them at large family gatherings, they kind of stay to themselves, barely speaking or socializing with anyone even when we try to include them. There are no hard feelings, just no real interest in trying to establish a relationship. The reality is, no one gains anything by fostering any kind of superiority, resentment, or negativity in children, no matter who does it. The way I see it, my cousins are the ones who lost out on having the family ties that we all have with each other. Their parents did them no favors by pampering them, and your nieces family did her no favors by denying her what sounds like a wonderful aunt and cousins either.
Yes, unfortunately, some black people have been completely brainwashed into believing that the lighter your skin is and the straighter your hair is, the more beautiful you are. I am very glad my mother never bought into that crap and quickly corrected anybody who said or implied such nonsense around her. I've known black families who do just that, treat the lighter skinned children better, constantly praise their "good" hair and how pretty they are, openly and in front of the other kids. I've seen it with my own dd, when a preschool teacher kept fawning over her skin and hair and had nothing to say but "she is sooooo pretty" as she sat in with other little black girls, just as pretty, but in the teacher's ignorant view, not worthy of attention because they were darker. I told the teacher "these little girls are pretty too," and she said rather dismissively, "yeah, they're cute, but she's soooo pretty." I'm sure she was had no clue about why I requested my dd be moved to a different class. That is NOT what I want her being taught. Even if you have parents who know better, if you are a black child in America, you're going to hear it from somewhere. Parents of black children have to make a special effort to instill a sense of confidence and self esteem in our children, especially our daughters. It is very sad that no one ever did that for your niece, and I'm glad to hear that she discovered it for herself.
I'm not really sure if at this point my cousins will ever be close with this side of the family. I think it was more THEIR parents that created the distance, and now that we're all adults, we don't have much in common. I'm facebook friends with them, but that's about it. We didn't grow up together or have any happy childhood memories, like I do with all my other cousins. When we do see them at large family gatherings, they kind of stay to themselves, barely speaking or socializing with anyone even when we try to include them. There are no hard feelings, just no real interest in trying to establish a relationship. The reality is, no one gains anything by fostering any kind of superiority, resentment, or negativity in children, no matter who does it. The way I see it, my cousins are the ones who lost out on having the family ties that we all have with each other. Their parents did them no favors by pampering them, and your nieces family did her no favors by denying her what sounds like a wonderful aunt and cousins either.
Amen and amen!
I am so proud of my three beautiful nieces who have dark lustrous skin and eyes and the most beautiful teeth. They were all raised by single moms, with drug habits, but they got out - THEY GOT OUT -and have made successful lives, good relationships, and are now raising happy kids. One is married to an AA guy, one is married to a biracial guy and one is married to a guy from Samoa. They're all happily married, none of them had any kids before they got married, and they all have successful careers as well as apparently really good marriages. So glad that they have a strong sense of self worth. And I am also glad that they have reconnected with their cousins - better late than never.
My kids are all doing great too. They've dated who they want to, and married who they want to - very little racial drama from anyone. One time in high school a white guy's parents didn't want him dating my daughter - that was pretty dramatic but she put him out on his ear anyway when he wouldn't tell his mom there was nothing wrong with her and he wanted to sneak around and date her - uhhhhh, nope. Actually I'm glad he made her mad because then she got over the whole thing a lot more quickly.
Anyway, I am glad to see a lot less emphasis on skin color, or at least it seems that way with each passing generation.
There are many regulars on the Adoption Forum as well as this one who have talked about our experiences with interracial families over the years and some of us just don't want to go into it all again. I'm not sure how you would find these discussions in the archives but, believe me, they are there.
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) can avoid personal insults and unnecessarily inflammatory rhetoric.
