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Location: On the "Left Coast", somewhere in "the Land of Fruits & Nuts"
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^ ^ And IMO, the most significant thing about true passive-aggressive folks, is that it's totally "self-contained" and 'controlled' exclusively by them…. from the determination of the "offense", to the choice of "retaliation" and "punishment", to the "reasons" for doing it… with no room for outside opinions or feedback whatever. In other words, at its heart, true passive-aggression is basically narcissistic (aka, "it's all about ME"), and about maintaining 'Control'!
My husband is passive aggressive...he's a pain in the rear end but I know his game and bust him all the time! lol
Being violent with me is just not allowed...I'll crack him a good one if he does anything like that to me!
And he KNOWS I'll lose my temper if he gets violent....so we just have this understanding between us
Why are the only options in your marriage violence or passive-aggressive behavior? Kinda scary.
People who employ passive-aggressive tactics lack good will . . . and I say that because if you are a direct person and you are trying to work something out with someone and they resort to passive-aggressive tactics, they are basically telling you to F-off.
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I don't think people who use passive-aggression lack good will, but perhaps lack skills or confidence to confront what they want directly. I don't think when I was being passive aggressive, I was thinking anything like your last statement. It was more, "I'm being forced to do or think something that I don't want to, so I will silently oppose you." It is my understanding that being passive aggressive arises from the feeling of a lack of power.
I do agree that passive aggressive people can drive you nuts. Their behavior just becomes a way to push your buttons at some point.
Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, hostile jokes, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.
For research purposes, the DSM-IV describes passive-aggressive personality disorder as a "pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social and occupational situations".
I see the purpose of passive-aggressive behavior as an attempt to manipulate people. Many times it's outright abusive, but when it's applied to virtually everything in life, it can be incredibly annoying. Here's a typical conversation with my mother:
She can't say, for example, "I was cold last night, could you please put another blanket on my bed." She will simply complain for hours about how cold it was last night. If I ignore the ranting, which I am inclined to do if I think her "issue" is something I can't do anything about (the weather), she will begin to add comments like, "Alice's daughter bought her the most beautiful angora blanket for Christmas." That's when I start to catch on. I say, "Do you want an angora blanket?" Of course she says, "No, I'm just telling you." So I have to cut to the chase, "Why are you mentioning it right after going on about how cold it was last night? Were YOU cold last night?" When she says yes (in a tiny "I am not worthy" voice), I say, "If you want another blanket on your bed, all you have to do is ask for it. But I don't read minds, so I will assume you don't want one unless you state it outright."
It seems to me my mother's variety of passive-aggression (which is constant and applied to circumstances important and very minor) arises from a lack of self-esteem. She doesn't think she's worthy of anything except the scraps that others throw her, but she isn't beneath "inspiring" us to throw the scraps. But other people are P-A just because they think they're portraying themselves as "nicey-nice" when they actually feel guiltless about abusing others. Like a boss who loads you up with work at 4:30, pretending he doesn't know what time it is.
Another P-A tendency I find very annoying is their penchant to do mean, petty things when they can't address that they're upset with you about something you're clueless about. I know, for example, I've done something my mother is angry about when she puts her garbage in the recycling bin. She knows perfectly well what goes in the recycling bin but she will put completely inappropriate things there to get my attention. If I ignore it and just move the stuff, she keeps doing it until I finally confront her and ask her what it is she's upset about (she's not complaining, mind you, I brought it up!). But even then, when I uncover the truth, she will maintain that her putting the garbage in the recycling bin was an "accident." An oversight that stops immediately, once I get to the bottom of what her real problem is. Usually something as inane as she wants the thermostat adjusted.
I tend to be passive aggressive. I've been this way ever since my teen years.
Well, STOP IT. Yes, you probably do get what you want by behaving that way. But you would get what you want faster (and annoying far fewer people), if you addressed your needs directly with someone in a position to do what it is you want. Why do you think you're not worth stating outright your needs or opinions?
Ruth- I said that getting violent with me isn't allowed.... I'll crack him a good one! Where does it say that violence happens all the time in my marriage?
Yes, hubby is passive aggressive and he's working on it.... I just won't put up with any of his crap anymore.
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