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This problem is getting worse...Please keep in mind, "run away!" or "leave!" is not a simple option. We live together. We have the same group of friends. We have the same life. It's not as simple as, "end it and move on."
Well then, sadly, you will continue to deal with her addiction.
Addictions are very real and addicts only get help, when they are ready and want to do so. Until then, they will take everyone around them for a ride. I am speaking from experience.
I always have to take care of her. I always am the one feeling embarrassed by what she says / does when she's drunk. She loses purses, phones, shoes, etc.. and I have to try and pick up the pieces. She has called in sick to work on Monday morning because she's too hungover from Sunday Funday
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Originally Posted by iama30something
Last night, she was at a work function. I was heading to bed around 10:30pm, when I got a text from her boss telling me I had to pick her up 30 min away because she was too drunk to drive. I had to carry her inside the apartment and she passed out on the living room floor until 3am.
Has it occurred to you that she might address her addiction if you weren't always around to pick up the pieces, that you are supporting her alcoholism? If you care for her, why would you help her destroy her life by enabling her behavior? You have to know that the problem is only going to get worse and eventually she'll be drinking heavily every day, not just on weekends.
I’m 30 and she’s 27. We’ve been dating for a year and a half and live together. At first, I thought she was just a fun sorority girl who liked to go out and have fun on the weekends. But now, I see it’s much worse than that. She drinks as she cooks dinner almost every night. She drinks at brunch, after a night out to help the hangovers. She drinks to the point that she can’t stand almost every weekend. Lately, it’s been almost embarrassing to take her to social events, as I know she’s going to make a scene and stumble everywhere. She gets upset with herself after a day of drinking and she realizes all the money she spent and how dumb she acts.
The thing is, she’s a very smart and successful girl. She has a great corporate job and never let’s drinking effect her performance at work.
I’ve told her I’m concerned. I’ve told her it bothers me. She says when I tell her that I’m concerned for her, that it makes her feel bad and that she will try to control herself better. But, it never happens. It’s getting to the point that I don’t even believe that she wants to change anymore. Last weekend, when we were at a birthday party, I joked with her saying “Just watch, you’ll be up drunk dancing (to the band) in 2 hrs” and she said, “no, I won’t.” Literally, 2 hours later she couldn’t even stand. It’s pathetic.
However, I love her. Do I stay with her or not? I feel like she is bringing me down with her. I don’t want to spend my entire life taking care of her or dealing with her drunkenness. What do I do?
If you'd like to live as a martyr do so, but don't complain. Read about be co-dependency and see if the traits apply to you.
Your girlfriend has to understand she has an alcohol problem as the first step, not just feel bad that you're telling her she has a problem, and it doesn't sound like she knows she needs help, and it also sounds like she has turned the corner into having a disease and can't control her drinking. Family hx of alcoholism would worsen her prognosis of recovery. Neuroanatomical changes in the brain occur after years of heavy drinking preventing the normal emotional maturation process and frontal lobe development which ultimately controls our executive function, judgement, etc. You can't make her stop drinking, it MUST come from within in her. You're not married, you don't have children, don't make any forward moves like that with a woman who has alcohol dependence. You're young enough to move on and you will survive to live another day, it won't be the end of the world. She will bring you down with her and you don't have to hang around and watch all the consequences that will be occuring if she doesn't get into a recovery program, which by the way, is very difficult stuff, and will require much time on her part away from you, getting help and support, both professional and from a support group like AA which is key, if she doesn't like AA there are other organizations that support people seeking recovery from addiction. It's unlikely you can develop a trusting loving relationship with an active alcoholic, if you can't or don't want to leave the relationship, go to Alanon and learn about alcohol dependence. Good luck.
Please keep in mind, "run away!" or "leave!" is not a simple option. We live together. We have the same group of friends. We have the same life. It's not as simple as, "end it and move on."
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OP---Are you going to Al-Anon meetings? If not, get to one ASAP. What you will learn is to stop enabling her. You will learn to NOT "pick up the pieces every time she drinks too much". You will learn that by "picking up the pieces" you are preventing her from learning about the consequences of her actions. She has already learned that you are the perfect enabler.
So...you have a choice---1) Continue to stay with her and make excuses for not leaving. That's what my father did when it came to my mother. He couldn't divorce her because it would cost him too much money. Then there was this one when it came to her drinking---"She isn't an alcoholic, she just abuses alcohol sometimes". And then this when talking to us kids "Don't ever mention her drinking to her." If you stay with her, this is your future. And---once again---DO NOT have kids with her. If she continues to drink, she will give birth to kids that have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I suggest that you read about these kids and all the problems they have.
2) You can leave her. So what if you have the "same group of friends"? Yes, when you leave her, some in that group won't be your friends anymore. But so what? If they side with her, it will be because they consider her to be a drinking buddy---so good riddance to them! Those who see what is going on with her and realize that she is an alcoholic, will be supportive of you when you leave.
As for living together---Do you both co-own your home or are you renting? If it is the former, time to sell your share to her or get a lawyer and force a sale. If it is the latter and you signed a lease, it will be worth the money --- and your sanity --- to break the lease.
So...the ball is in your court---and what will you choose? A lifetime of being the perfect enabler to an alcoholic or a life where you get counseling so that you aren't attracted to the same type of person again and then choose to be in a healthy relationship?
If you marry this girl, it will be MUCH harder and more complicated to leave, so best to get out now where all you'll need to do is find a new place to live and move out. Trust what all these experienced people are telling you. They would not take the time to post a reply to you if it was not serious.
If you marry this girl, it will be MUCH harder and more complicated to leave, so best to get out now where all you'll need to do is find a new place to live and move out. Trust what all these experienced people are telling you. They would not take the time to post a reply to you if it was not serious.
The only way she will get better is if she changes for herself. You can't make her do it. The only thing you can do is get out before she destroys your life too.
My name is ConvexTech and I am an alcoholic.
I bet you get funny looks in the rooms when you say that.
The first weekend of May we went to a wedding and my girlfriend puked uncontrollably the night before.
Last weekend, we went to a food/drink festival with a group of friends. The GF got so drunk and left our group. It took us an hour to find her again. The next morning she told me she lost her sandals and $100 sunglasses.
Last night, she was at a work function. I was heading to bed around 10:30pm, when I got a text from her boss telling me I had to pick her up 30 min away because she was too drunk to drive. I had to carry her inside the apartment and she passed out on the living room floor until 3am.
This is really getting old. I want to be a good boyfriend and supportive. At the same time, I'm sick of picking up the pieces every time she drinks too much.
Please keep in mind, "run away!" or "leave!" is not a simple option. We live together. We have the same group of friends. We have the same life. It's not as simple as, "end it and move on."
It can be as simple as YOU going to an Al-Anon meeting, though. That's a start.
Otherwise, what are your plans? To keep complaining because your girlfriend gets drunk and you have to pick her up and clean up her messes? You cannot, in this day and age with so much information all around you about alcoholism and codependence POSSIBLY be thinking that you can in some magical way get her to stop drinking. If you think that, then go right now over to the nearest wall and bang your head against it 100 times. It will make so much more sense than what you are doing right now.
She might be "special" to you, but she's not unique. She's not different. She's just the same as every other alcoholic on the planet and you are just the same as the rest of us who sat there and tried to be "good little boyfriends and girlfriends and be supportive." She is NOT different from the rest of the alcoholics, and you're NOT difference from the rest of the codies...except that some of us stopped being slaves to alcoholism--even someone else's.
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