Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This. But it is confusing because she is also a very educated, intellectual woman who had a successful career as an attorney until she retired eleven years ago. It's almost as though there was a magic bullet that applied only to her professional life but not any other area.
This should tell you, and anyone else who knows her, that she DOES recognize boundaries and can choose to respect them if it's important enough to her.
Um, no. You went off on a soapbox, it seems. I didn't mention the insanity defense at all, and I neither said nor implied that an adult isn't responsible for his/her actions. However, many people automatically judge mentally ill people for exactly that: being mentally ill. That isn't the person's fault. How they go about treating it (if they do) is. But getting mental health treatment is much more difficult than getting treatment for physical health conditions. One is societal stigmas ie the attitude that people with mental illness are flawed stupid or crazy thus they do not want to admit to having a problem. And I'm sure no one around here believes that Another issue is that mental health treatment in America is severely underfunded compared to other types of public health programs. And since mentally ill individuals have difficulty keeping a job, they often have no money and no insurance. Yet another issue is that their illness in itself makes them deny they have a problem in the first place or saps their motivation to get help. And yet another problem is that insurance companies don't cover mental health treatment as well as physical health. I've dealt with that problem personally. I'm not saying MIL isn't a jerk. She probably is. But I don't judge people until I have walked a mile in their mocassins. And believe me, those mental illness mocassins is a tough road in which to trudge.
Not anymore - the ACA mandates that the vast majority of insurance policies carry mental healthcare as part of their coverage (ALL policies bought on the ACA website carry mental healthcare coverage).
Yeah, families can be a real trip. The name calling shake it off. For your husband take the higher ground and do what HE wants to do, not what she wants. There is always someone in the family that is miserable or a selfish user, or a whack job, every family has them. Even mine. That just sums up humanity. I knew a co-worker who was never rattled by anyone's inane behavior so I asked him, "How do you do it?"
"I kill them with kindness." Really? "Yeah, I don't feed into their misery, I don't entertain them, but if I have to interact I will act with kindness as thought they never offended me or I had not noticed." "So, how do you know it works?"
"Because they stay the F* away from me after they realize they cannot push my buttons. I make them want stay away from me by letting them chose not to be around me because I am ..............kind, no matter what. Mind you now, I refuse everyone of their request with a polite but valid excuse, so they cannot get their claws in me. And, I say it with a smile."
I tired it with some of my inane relatives. I noticed they have no time for me anymore. "Kill em with kindness."
Take the higher ground. You will feel much better for it.
I want to print this out and carry it in my pocket for use on the fly! Awesome, awesome, awesome!
TL;DR version:[/b] My mother-in-law referred to me as a racial slur during a phone conversation with my husband, she’s royally pissed that we won’t be visiting her for Easter weekend even though we all agreed months ago that we wouldn’t be, and she has a personality disorder so perhaps she can’t help herself.
I have BPD and I HATE when other borderlines blame all their idiotic behavior traits on BPD.
Her being a prejudiced person isn't because of BPD but her way of handling the situation was. It's forum posts like these that get all of us stigmatized because the ones who don't try to change their behavior poison everyone's opinions.
I'm sorry you have to deal with such a problematic MIL..
I understand your pain. My SO mother is a BPD and she has called me a *****, claims I tried to poison her, regularly tried to set my SO up on dates with other women, calls me a prostitute etc. Clearly I stopped visiting after the one disaster visit, but, my SO is still struggling with setting appropriate limitations on her behavior.
I think a lot of people who present a professional, polite face to the world have different ways of acting when they're just communicating with family. Did she know you were listening to the phone call? My MIL and my mother are both known to say racist things from time to time...my mother will hint around what she's trying to say until she makes it really obvious, and my MIL will just come right out and say it. Neither of them behave like this around other people, only relatives. Sometimes they don't even realize they're doing it. It doesn't make it right and in a perfect world, people who acted like that wouldn't be able to blend in and keep good jobs, but they're good at pretending around other people.
If someone acts a "certain" way around some people, then behaves entirely contrary around other people.... I'd say it's a good chance they KNOW exactly what they're doing, and have choosen to operate in such a way. It's called being deceitful, being 'aware' enough to act in a certain manner. They know and realize exactly what they're doing, even if the only person(s) they're decieving are themselves. If said person(s) truly had no knowledge of right nor wrong...there would be no shifting of the behavior.
For example we only lie when we're attempting to cover up something we know to be illicit. Right? In other words some basic, simple form of conscience must precede the ACT of lying. Yes? Likewise, there is no need to "hide" unless we first feel that something needs to be hidden...true? Yes, they know exactly what they're doing and should be held accountable for their behaviors.
Believe me, I've lived it for the past 12 + years with an undiagnosed narcissistic MIL that is on the high end of the spectrum. HIGH on that spectrum! So high, I'm walking away from 12 plus years to a husband that has picked up some of those traits. Yes, I believe in God, faith, the family unit as one, but this...I'm walking away from and allowing GOD deal with that situation as He see's fit. There's not enough pages for me to fill as to the destruction that's been done. I have children and my sanity to protect, and protect I will.
From what I've learned in these last past years is, these kinds of people (narcissist) are utterly dedicated to preserving their "self image" of perfection at ANY cost! Having the "appearance" of kindness and goodness,...but not so much on the inside. I found that in MY perticular situation, that these 'people' are unable to submit their will to anyone but SELF! Desiring not what is true, but only what they desire to be true, their version of truth. And, there is absolutely NOTHING you, nor umpteenth years of pyschological counseling can do. "Heal me, but don't change me" is their version of therapy. Wanting to not only be nurtured, but to be in control of the nurturer.
I'm done. This is truly a battle of the will. And for me, I say let Thine will be done......
Last edited by Betsey Lane; 11-27-2015 at 07:02 PM..
My mother-in-law has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by a couple of professionals. She refuses to believe the diagnosis means anything and she says stuff like, “Have you even read about BPD? It’s just a way to clinically label someone an A-hole.” I am posting in the psychology subforum to hopefully gain some feedback about her recent behavior in the context of her condition. It’s especially difficult to deal with her because my husband’s siblings and their families seem to be wrapped around her finger. They give in to her my-way-or-the-highway demands with little fuss, sacrificing their lives and familial autonomy for the sake of not pissing her off. Disagreeing with her results in a blowout that will last until the disagreeable party shuts up and capitulates, or severance. Anyone who sides with the other party is also her mortal enemy.
Several months ago my husband told his mother that we would not be there for Easter this year because we will be spending that weekend with my family. We celebrate Passover. Because I’m Jewish and my husband is Christian, we can usually coordinate holidays but Easter is the day after Passover this year. Most of the time we have at least a couple days to get from one place to another. At first when he told her, she said that was fine. Now she says it’s not fine, and she’s been making that much very clear in a series of phone calls she’s had with my husband over the past few days.
“I know I told you it was fine, but I’ve been thinking about it lately and I just want to have the whole family together this Easter.”
“Ever since your father died, I’ve just been so lonely here. Please, I just want to have the whole family together. This is very important to me.”
My husband didn’t budge after she laid on the guilt so she resorted to blaming and insulting me this morning. She talked my husband’s ear off about how this is all my fault, I’m ruining her Easter plans, I’m poisoning her son against her, I’m keeping him from seeing his family, etc.
“Why can’t you just let your [Racial slur for Jew, stars with K] wife go sing kumbaya with her parents without you there? Why do you even want to go?”
I caught my husband’s retort, “I’m not sure why you think that insulting my wife will work.” And he hung up. After a few minutes of him beating around the bush, he told me what she had said.
What in the actual... This isn't just name-calling like B-word. This is hate speech. Against my family. Against my entire religion and ethnicity. I’m not sure if she’s actually an anti-Semite or she just said it for the sake of lashing out because she is mentally ill and literally cannot stop herself from verbally abusing other people when she doesn’t get her way because she refuses to understand that she needs help. Does it even matter? Should it even matter?
She has resorted to rude name-calling before when she talks about people who've slighted her, the slights either real or imagined, but I've never heard her utter racial slurs or hate speech before.
What do I want to happen out of this? I don't know. I’ve never really been downrange of her antics before because we only see her twice a year, but I always understood her to be extremely controlling and manipulative, and sometimes downright rude.
When my husband's father died several years ago, his mother's behavior got A LOT worse. The father had kind of acted as a buffer between the mother and the kids. But then after he passed away and she began to spiral out of control, her sisters tried to intervene and urge her to seek help for her condition. She had already been diagnosed but she still doesn't accept the diagnosis. This resulted in my MIL cutting her sisters out of her life and my husband's attempts to get them to reconcile, or to at least get her to stop saying such despicable things about them, went like this:
"Mom, they're just trying to help you though you think their attempts are misguided."
"Mom, that's not a very nice thing to call your sister. There are better ways to say that you're displeased with someone."
Even gentle comments like these cause her claim that her own children are invalidating her feelings. So we figured that we'll shut shut up for a few days a couple times a year. We had to either give up on trying to convince her to behave herself or tick her off so much that she'd throw a hissy fit at us. You have to walk on eggshells just to coexist with her under the same roof for a few days a year. My husband sought counseling years ago because he was raised by this woman and it's had a profound effect on his psyche--and he's still in counseling.
Her mantra is, "You/she/he/they refuse(s) to see that I'm not the problem!" “I’m not the problem. You’re just being insensitive/inflexible/invalidating.” When you can’t spend holidays with her or you have to change plans or you can’t drop everything to attend her whims, you’re being inflexible or you're so selfish. When you point out, however kindly, that she is overreacting or that someone did not mean to slight her, then you are invalidating her feelings. When you urge her to seek help, however kindly, you are bullying her.
Thoughts? I'm not sure there is any way this woman can realize or accept that her behavior is unacceptable. If she does apologize, it would be her usual passive-aggressive apology she gives to people after she lashes out at them: "I'm very sorry I said that, I didn't mean it and I was way out of line, but I said it because I was so upset and I am still upset at you for X Y Z. You still don't understand where I'm coming from!"
TL;DR version: My mother-in-law referred to me as a racial slur during a phone conversation with my husband, she’s royally pissed that we won’t be visiting her for Easter weekend even though we all agreed months ago that we wouldn’t be, and she has a personality disorder so perhaps she can’t help herself.
I am not sure if you are looking for advice or just venting.
No one needs to subject themselves to that type of treatment or behavior.
I had to cut my MIL off for a similar reason. I just decided that I didn't want that type of person in my life and I have absolutely nothing to do with her. It made my husband unhappy, but I had to protect myself (he cannot emotionally cut her off and I understand that and have never asked him to).
She doesn't come to my house, I don't come to hers and we don't speak. Period.
“Ever since your father died, I’ve just been so lonely here. Please, I just want to have the whole family together. This is very important to me.”
TL;DR version: My mother-in-law referred to me as a racial slur during a phone conversation with my husband, she’s royally pissed that we won’t be visiting her for Easter weekend even though we all agreed months ago that we wouldn’t be, and she has a personality disorder so perhaps she can’t help herself.
I believe BPDs suffer from a deep fear of abandonment.
And, your MIL was indeed "abandoned" by her hubby dying and feeling fearful from that...and then even more fearful that her son wasn't coming over - thus being "abandoned" yet again.
This plunged her into her dark "Jekyll" abyss where she trusts no one and turns on those especially closest to her - who then become her closest targets. You then became a target since you were "causing" him to "abandon" her...
What your hubby should have done is responded to her desperate plea with, "I know you're feeling very alone right now, so let's discuss this tomorrow after you've rested up a bit." Because while she's in her black hole mental state, she's not going to be realistic or rational. Therefore, there's not much point in engaging in dialogue with her until that passes and she regains her senses. Arguing over points raised in this state just typically escalates and backfires, as they are often very fear-based and irrational.
With BPDs, they often come back down to Earth after a day - as opposed to Bipolars, who have much longer chronic mood swings (almost like "seasons") that are not acutely-triggered. So simply waiting until the emotional storm has first passed can facilitate much more fruitful communication.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Another issue is that mental health treatment in America is severely underfunded compared to other types of public health programs. And since mentally ill individuals have difficulty keeping a job, they often have no money and no insurance. Yet another issue is that their illness in itself makes them deny they have a problem in the first place or saps their motivation to get help. And yet another problem is that insurance companies don't cover mental health treatment as well as physical health. I've dealt with that problem personally. I'm not saying MIL isn't a jerk. She probably is. But I don't judge people until I have walked a mile in their mocassins. And believe me, those mental illness mocassins is a tough road in which to trudge.
Oh...they know!
