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Personally, I think it's a mistake to take an "iron door" stance. In fact, I'm not crazy about the use of the word "toxic" to describe relationships. You could have started by simply not answering her calls. But, given her threat, maybe she wouldn't have called. You're being like the person yelling, "You can't fire me! I quit!"
At any rate, you may find that at some point down the line, things may change and you want to re-establish a relationship, so I'm generally not in favor of burning bridges. I did have a "toxic" relative. We simply stopped calling her, and cut short conversations when she called us. And we continued to send birthday cards, for instance. And years later, she mellowed.
She's has plenty of time and chances to "mellow". She's 51, and only seems to be getting nastier as she ages. And I'm really not waiting around to see what she pulls next.
(SORRY for the long post. I don't expect many to read it, but it was therapeutic to write!)
On the contrary, don't apologize.. it is very therapeutic to get these things out in the open. I talk often to my sister and every now and then we'll get something off our chests to each other.
I don't know how successful I've been. I still hear things she said to me in a psychotic rage the last time I saw her. But I successfully blocked her venom from my children's lives. It's the right thing to do. If I could do it over I'd document the corrosive stuff. One day your child might blame you when all you tried to do is make things more pleasant.
This is scary. One of my moms favorite things to do is to say "maybe you imagined that" when you point out something hurtful that she's said. Absolutely scary how spot on this is. Thank you.
I am not disputing your feelings, but even though my daughter and I are on good terms, she has said several hurtful things about the past that I really feel as if she made up, or at least has clouded with her imagination.
It is possible that your mother really remembers things differently than you do.
I am pregnant with my first - and after a horrible conversation this morning with my mother where she threatened to not be a part of my child's life, I am taking her up on this threat. I blocked her numbers and her email from all of my accounts. I have dealt with her at this point for decades, and excused her and her family's behavior, but now that the stakes are higher, it's time.
I didn't feel great, like it felt mean to do, but I feel relief, like I'm starting a new chapter without this abusive person to drag me down. I feel sorry that she and my dad will miss out on my kid's lives, and I am making an effort not to see them at holidays, but I don't want the kids to experience what I experienced.
Has anyone else successfully cut out a toxic parent (or parents)?
You really need to be looking after yourself now you are pregnant. It's a stressful enough time as it is, without your mother adding to it. Your mother sounds like an attention seeker, to be honest. I've got a mother like that too and everything has to revolve around HER.
I haven't spoken to/seen my mother for a few months, and I know it sounds bad, but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Even my husband says that I seem happier in myself.
I just can't bear to talk to her/see her because every time I do, that's all she does is moan about everybody and everything. She tells me how much she hates my Dad, moans about my brother and his wife (she is pretty bad, mind you) and criticises everything that I do. I don't get any support from her at all, and she makes little snidey remarks all of the time. I feel like telling her to **** most of the time, but if I ever answer her back she goes into victim mode and tells me how horrible I'm being to her! I get really stressed after dealing with her and need my husband to calm me down afterwards.
Once you have your baby, your mother will probably be desperate to see him/her, I reckon. One word of advice though - don't let her become too close to your child. I made the mistake of moving near to my parents, as I had such a good relationship with my grandparents and I wanted that for my daughter too.
But now I am in the position where my mother uses my daughter against me. She goes against everything I ask her to do. For instance, at one point she was trying to get my left-handed daughter to write with her right hand instead. She also allows my daughter to eat a load of junk food before coming home for dinner that I've cooked. Also, she allowed her to stay up until 1am, whilst sleeping over her house. Things like that, all of the time.
Me and my husband want to move out of the area (and away from her to be honest). The area we live in is awful, with nothing to do here. I want a better life for us and our daughter but my mother tells me I am being selfish by "taking <daughter> away from everyone". What she means really, is that she will miss my daughter's attention herself.
Anyway, you need to just focus on yourself and the baby. Don't let your mother get you down. Just be aware that she will probably tell everyone how much she is missing her grandchild, when they are born. Good luck with everything.
Added extra: I just remembered something that my mother said to me a while back. She said "I'm going to leave everything to <my own daughter> when I die, including the house". Yes, thanks mother, I bet my brother and his child will be happy about that. I don't even care about her stupid house anyway - she can stick it where the Sun doesn't shine. I've got a house of my own and hopefully a new one away from her soon.
Last edited by Star10101; 02-02-2016 at 06:31 PM..
I am not disputing your feelings, but even though my daughter and I are on good terms, she has said several hurtful things about the past that I really feel as if she made up, or at least has clouded with her imagination.
It is possible that your mother really remembers things differently than you do.
Thankfully I have siblings who were witness to a lot of her things. My mom claims we've conspired to make things up etc etc. As soon as she realizes she's done or said something really effed, she goes into repair mode and makes sure she tells as many people as she can that I'm making up stories or that she was minding her business when I called her and just started flipping out. I'm too pregnant at this point to defend myself or dispute what she claims after she says insane stuff, and also too pregnant to be putting myself in her line of fire. I know in my heart she knows what she's done, but she lies to herself so she can sleep and claim she's a good Christian. If that helps her lay down at night, she's free to do that. Just not with me around.
If I were hanged on the highest hill
I know whose love would follow me still
If I were drowned in the deepest sea
I know whose tears would come down to me
If I were damned of body and soul
I know whose prayers would make me whole
When your mother is a jerk, you need to avoid spending time with her, but still give her your love and respect. Even if you don't talk to her for years, you should at least send her some flowers or something every Mothers Day. And it's always better to say nothing than to say something mean.
If I were hanged on the highest hill
I know whose love would follow me still
If I were drowned in the deepest sea
I know whose tears would come down to me
If I were damned of body and soul
I know whose prayers would make me whole
When your mother is a jerk, you need to avoid spending time with her, but still give her your love and respect. Even if you don't talk to her for years, you should at least send her some flowers or something every Mothers Day. And it's always better to say nothing than to say something mean.
I respectfully and exhaustedly choose to say nothing. Too tired.
I am pregnant with my first - and after a horrible conversation this morning with my mother where she threatened to not be a part of my child's life, I am taking her up on this threat. I blocked her numbers and her email from all of my accounts. I have dealt with her at this point for decades, and excused her and her family's behavior, but now that the stakes are higher, it's time.
I didn't feel great, like it felt mean to do, but I feel relief, like I'm starting a new chapter without this abusive person to drag me down. I feel sorry that she and my dad will miss out on my kid's lives, and I am making an effort not to see them at holidays, but I don't want the kids to experience what I experienced.
Has anyone else successfully cut out a toxic parent (or parents)?
Such a great and important topic. Sorry to hear you have a mom like that, OP, but it's remarkably common. And I like the way you dealt with her threats to not be a part of your child's life; you called her bluff. That's the best way to deal with manipulative people, IMO. Besides, you wouldn't want someone like that around your child, anyway. You absolutely did the right thing. Best wishes for you and your kid or kids, if you have more later.
Thankfully I have siblings who were witness to a lot of her things. My mom claims we've conspired to make things up etc etc. As soon as she realizes she's done or said something really effed, she goes into repair mode and makes sure she tells as many people as she can that I'm making up stories or that she was minding her business when I called her and just started flipping out. I'm too pregnant at this point to defend myself or dispute what she claims after she says insane stuff, and also too pregnant to be putting myself in her line of fire. I know in my heart she knows what she's done, but she lies to herself so she can sleep and claim she's a good Christian. If that helps her lay down at night, she's free to do that. Just not with me around.
Wow. I've seen this sort of thing before. I've even seen an abusive mother tell everyone who would listen that it was her (adult) child or children who were being abusive toward her, making herself out to be the victim. These are ill people: narcissistic, or other personality disorder. How sad for everyone involved.
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Best wishes for you and your kid or kids, if you have more later.
