Do i need to keep explaining how I feel like ASD is ruining my life? (inability, anxiety)
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As an ASD adult female I too have encountered many difficulties along the way. Notice I said "difficulties" VS "obstacles".
"You can do anything TODAY"... Was probably the best advice my own mother gave me. I take EVERYTHING day by day & refuse to look at the very self-defeating prospect that presents itself when looking at a lifetime of adversity.
I can do it TODAY. Then tomorrow morning I will re-evaluate.
If my long-term goal is worth it enough; I will guarantee that the next morning I will say, again; "I CAN do this TODAY."
Thats the only way I managed to graduate from college, hold a job, be a mother, etc ...
It's similar to the "day by day" approach used by "12-steps" programs for people with addictions: The prospect of looking at your whole life struggling with an addiction is overwhelming & defeatist.
But everyone can be sober for today.
And you can face your struggles today. Deal with tomorrow ... tomorrow.
I'm finding that now; struggling with a condition of Microcytic Anemia, where I live (at 7,000ft elevation) I'm having to re-employ this method in order to function.
Everything is hard ... it feels like I'm submerged all the time. Just bending over to do laundry or pick up after kids gives me nosebleeds. I get winded using the bathroom.
"Luckily" ... I was able to have 9 transfusions over the past year which helped to "reset" my bone marrow into a more normal method of building my blood by myself. But my doctor does not want me to risk another transfusion so now; I'm back to the day by day philosophy.
I'm so glad I have that as a foundation to deal with adversity now. I can do ANYTHING TODAY. Maybe I'll rest tomorrow.
And every once in a while I do indulge in "I can't".
I'm doing that RIGHT NOW; actually. Yesterday I drove myself & 3 kids over 300 miles to my granddaughters baptism (physically tiring + social interaction) then took my youngest & severly autistic 12 year old son to a birthday with his SPED classmates (MORE social interaction + 5'10 & 200lb disabled son).
When the day was over I was literally trembling from exhaustion & couldn't handle a one sentence interaction with my own family members.
This morning I'm taking advantage of daylight savings time, typing away here at my computer & still in my jammies at 11am.
You can do anything today; OP. And after you have acheived several goals in this fashion you will be much happier. I can't imagine a whole lifetime of "I can'ts". I'd rather face my own struggles head on than be depressed & have regrets.
Never expect people to make accommodations for your limitations. It's a real gift when they do but to expect it sets you up for a lifetime of feeling alienated.
Go out tonight and look up at the millions of stars, pick one out and say to yourself, "That teensy one there, among the multitude, is me."
As an ASD adult female I too have encountered many difficulties along the way. Notice I said "difficulties" VS "obstacles".
"You can do anything TODAY"... Was probably the best advice my own mother gave me. I take EVERYTHING day by day & refuse to look at the very self-defeating prospect that presents itself when looking at a lifetime of adversity.
I can do it TODAY. Then tomorrow morning I will re-evaluate.
If my long-term goal is worth it enough; I will guarantee that the next morning I will say, again; "I CAN do this TODAY."
Thats the only way I managed to graduate from college, hold a job, be a mother, etc ...
It's similar to the "day by day" approach used by "12-steps" programs for people with addictions: The prospect of looking at your whole life struggling with an addiction is overwhelming & defeatist.
But everyone can be sober for today.
And you can face your struggles today. Deal with tomorrow ... tomorrow.
I'm finding that now; struggling with a condition of Microcytic Anemia, where I live (at 7,000ft elevation) I'm having to re-employ this method in order to function.
Everything is hard ... it feels like I'm submerged all the time. Just bending over to do laundry or pick up after kids gives me nosebleeds. I get winded using the bathroom.
"Luckily" ... I was able to have 9 transfusions over the past year which helped to "reset" my bone marrow into a more normal method of building my blood by myself. But my doctor does not want me to risk another transfusion so now; I'm back to the day by day philosophy.
I'm so glad I have that as a foundation to deal with adversity now. I can do ANYTHING TODAY. Maybe I'll rest tomorrow.
And every once in a while I do indulge in "I can't".
I'm doing that RIGHT NOW; actually. Yesterday I drove myself & 3 kids over 300 miles to my granddaughters baptism (physically tiring + social interaction) then took my youngest & severly autistic 12 year old son to a birthday with his SPED classmates (MORE social interaction + 5'10 & 200lb disabled son).
When the day was over I was literally trembling from exhaustion & couldn't handle a one sentence interaction with my own family members.
This morning I'm taking advantage of daylight savings time, typing away here at my computer & still in my jammies at 11am.
You can do anything today; OP. And after you have acheived several goals in this fashion you will be much happier. I can't imagine a whole lifetime of "I can'ts". I'd rather face my own struggles head on than be depressed & have regrets.
While I found your story very inspiring, one attribute that must help you keep motivated is that you have a family. Perhaps, some depend on you (which can be motivating in itself), while others support you. Having a spouse, a family, parents, helps you to continue to put one foot in front of the other. The OP, I gather, is pretty much on her own. She comes here for advice because she doesn't have anyone at home to share her day or ask for opinions. You need a great deal of inner strength to go through any type of disability by yourself. While not making excuses for her, it's just an additional obstacle that she has to face. You have to be your own cheerleader and it's not possible to keep that going so she comes here to vent endlessly. Even with a counselor (and I agree with others that she should seek outside help) are just people who have a limited supply of really caring. After all, they go home to their own lives at the end of the day, helpful as they are. I think the OP feels very isolated and really needs to find a support group with people close to her age-and are not transitory-as a substitute family.
KMB for the last time, counselors who specialize in treating adult ASD do NOT ask or talk about your feelings, they help you navigate life with ASD and find techniques for communicating with people, etc. I also suggested a speech therapist many times; if you had been diagnosed in K-12, it would have been the speech therapist who would have taught you social skills and how to communicate and correctly interpret others facial expressions and tones. If you spend 1/10th of the time you spend on here instead on the phone with the Alabama Autism Society, your life would be a million times better.
Agree with ocnjgirl. You need a behavioral approach, not a psychoanalytical approach. Definitely NOT a life coach. They will not be qualified. And yes, please ask your doctor for a referral to a speech therapist. Your Medical insurance should cover it. No one here can make the appointments for you.
While I found your story very inspiring, one attribute that must help you keep motivated is that you have a family. Perhaps, some depend on you (which can be motivating in itself), while others support you. Having a spouse, a family, parents, helps you to continue to put one foot in front of the other. The OP, I gather, is pretty much on her own. She comes here for advice because she doesn't have anyone at home to share her day or ask for opinions. You need a great deal of inner strength to go through any type of disability by yourself. While not making excuses for her, it's just an additional obstacle that she has to face. You have to be your own cheerleader and it's not possible to keep that going so she comes here to vent endlessly. Even with a counselor (and I agree with others that she should seek outside help) are just people who have a limited supply of really caring. After all, they go home to their own lives at the end of the day, helpful as they are. I think the OP feels very isolated and really needs to find a support group with people close to her age-and are not transitory-as a substitute family.
This may be true. I found the (rare) times I was completely alone to be my most productive. Having a spouse is actually the worst scenario for me.
I did better as a single mom than a married one. I'm all for the strength of a two parent household; TBH it is the ONLY reason I'm married.
Having others around is a huge distraction & the few times I was a "household of 1"; I KILLED it! I even payed my bills on time. And had money left over.
Single WITH kids I had to set alarms to prompt me to fix breakfast/lunch/dinner/school bus, etc ...
Married & now a SAHM I do the same with alarms but I don't have to use them for meals anymore.
But the husband is exhausting. Like a new puppy that never grows up. I left my parents home at age 16. Never moved back. I love it on my own; having a family is what is hard.
But; thats just me. And I didn't have the diagnosis of ASD until 2005 (I'm 48). My label given to me in the 1970's was ... Retarded.
This may be true. I found the (rare) times I was completely alone to be my most productive. Having a spouse is actually the worst scenario for me.
I did better as a single mom than a married one. I'm all for the strength of a two parent household; TBH it is the ONLY reason I'm married.
Having others around is a huge distraction & the few times I was a "household of 1"; I KILLED it! I even payed my bills on time. And had money left over.
Single WITH kids I had to set alarms to prompt me to fix breakfast/lunch/dinner/school bus, etc ...
Married & now a SAHM I do the same with alarms but I don't have to use them for meals anymore.
But the husband is exhausting. Like a new puppy that never grows up. I left my parents home at age 16. Never moved back. I love it on my own; having a family is what is hard.
But; thats just me. And I didn't have the diagnosis of ASD until 2005 (I'm 48). My label given to me in the 1970's was ... Retarded.
We seem to have a little in common. The issue I'm having comes mostly from maladaptive daydreaming that I developed as a coping mechanism for stress when I was a kid. I didn't find out about the ASD until my later twenties, but I started daydreaming to cope with OCD related anxiety (concerning various phobias, social and religious phobias being my most salient). Then, things just continued in that pattern and gradually got a little worse until I wound up the way I am today.
As a child, I was fascinated with social interactions, but I often got it wrong after I got older. I had many painful experiences in school that told me that trying to make friends literally wasn't worth it. I did finally make a few friends in elementary and middle school, but by the time I got to high school, I mostly just had "frienemies." Really, I paid more attention to the people who singled me out and bullied me than I did to the people who might have cared something about me. I was in constant peril of making some kind of misstep. I became obsessed with bullying, why people did it, and how it was done. For a while, I thought it was just part of normal social interaction, but of course when I tried to bully someone else, they got upset with me and either retaliated or ostracized me. Eventually, I just stopped trying to socialize with people my age, because the rules were too complicated. I was surprised when I got to college and didn't encounter more of the same, but I was so crippled by my past experiences that I didn't even try to make friends. A few people were kind to me and made accommodations but they didn't become close friends.
After I regained some confidence in college, it was crushed during student teaching when I realized I didn't know how to interact with the students, and no one was going to teach me. They worked to ignore me and embarrass me. It really made me feel bad about myself. I ignored the warning signs and thought I was just new and would get it later. I was wrong. I struggled as a substitute teacher, too, so badly that I had to settle for last-minute jobs. I didn't take the hint. I went back for a master's in Education at the suggestion of my professor and again had a lack luster student teaching experience. During my student teaching experience, I got tested and found out I had ASD. Then, I applied for graduation and reality started to set in.
I have no idea why I'm so fascinated with socializing. I guess I've seen it mostly, in the form of bullying, as a very powerful negative force that gives people influence. Also, I feel like people who can't participate aren't seen as fully "human." I remember I also had a very bad stuttering problem as a child, and other kids always treated me as someone lower.
I remember my childhood self as someone who never got a chance to demonstrate her full potential. I had so many dreams and aspirations, but my parents couldn't afford to get me any training, and I knew what my classmates and teachers would say if I tried to enlist their help. I was a pariah. I have no idea exactly how I became a pariah, but that is what I was. The kids almost seemed to hate me, and some of the teachers appeared to, too. I started to feel like I couldn't do anything right.
I also think I'm trying to find / be a "mother figure" since my mom passed away. I don't know; it's complicated.
The way I see it, you are your own biggest problem. You are playing the victim. I am not saying this to be mean. I am being direct. You have to work hard and take responsibility for yourself. That is what being an adult is about. We all have to sink or swim and it is better to swim.
Look at the posts above you by Coschristi. That is a hard working person with the 'yes I can' attitude, not the 'poor me' attitude. That is the example you want to follow.
I have a son with Autism and his is quite significant. I understand that he needs to be told things in a direct manner. I don't appreciate it when he is coddled by social workers. He needs constructive criticism and he will take it and learn from it. It needs to be direct because he doesn't get the subtle hints.
Just about everybody knows somebody who is on the spectrum so there is awareness. A person who is familiar with the basic communication needs that you have will adapt to you too. If it is someone who knows, and who gets it.
What you need is someone to translate a bit for you and be direct.
My daughter learned that her boss is on the spectrum. She said 'oh'. Now she knows that she has to be a bit more direct with him and to take that into consideration. He is accomplished but he still requires a bit of adjustment on her part to best work with him. She gets it.
Being direct with others and asking them to be direct with you is pretty basic. Just as you don't get the social hints and clues, others don't get, that you don't get it. That is a communication problem. Clear communication starts with you. You are responsible for communicating your need for clear communication.
Nobody is responsible for your hopes and dreams but you. We all have them. We all have disappointments. You never know what is waiting around the corner. It could be a new hope and dream that will surprise you.
Last edited by Veronicka; 11-06-2016 at 08:12 PM..
I cannot imagine anyone who writes as cogently as you do or has such a clarity of insight on the interactions and relationships that you are experiencing are doing any worse finding your way in this complicated and sometimes frustrating world than the rest of us as we muddle through it often insecure and questioning our own selves daily.
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