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Don't think there could be a worse job for someone with difficulties in socialization than working in a detention center. They can be manipulative and it is hard for NT to not get played with.
KMB for the last time, counselors who specialize in treating adult ASD do NOT ask or talk about your feelings, they help you navigate life with ASD and find techniques for communicating with people, etc. I also suggested a speech therapist many times; if you had been diagnosed in K-12, it would have been the speech therapist who would have taught you social skills and how to communicate and correctly interpret others facial expressions and tones. If you spend 1/10th of the time you spend on here instead on the phone with the Alabama Autism Society, your life would be a million times better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
Okay, I'll call them. I think I've called them before, but I guess it's worth a shot anyway. I don't think my insurance covers this kind of stuff, though, and, really, nothing works. Even if my counselor and I sat down and watched a recording of me during the day and how I interacted with people, it's not like I would be able to implement the suggestions given to me "off-the-cuff" without really having to think about it.
I did observe some really weird things lately, though. For one, most people change the way they talk in relation to the way they feel; that was a really odd discovery for me. I'm not talking about just tone, either. People change the whole sentence structure. I guess this makes conversations really easy for the average person, because the next response is gleaned from "reading" the person's mood and choosing automatic phrases. I guess to other people that's just "common sense," but it felt really strange to me the first time I noticed it. It means that you wouldn't normally think making a joke is okay while someone is talking about something serious, because your "tone" is supposed to mirror the other person's? That's another reason why people usually think I'm distracted, even if I'm present. The tone is something I usually don't pay a lot of attention to, because it refers to sentence structure and facial expressions more than the sound of the voice. If I can pick out from the sound of the voice or from the context of the conversation that it's supposed to be serious, then I can adjust but otherwise I might not always say what is appropriate. The object of the interaction is to participate in some kind of emotional "sharing." I thought that was a little odd, too. If someone is crying, you are supposed to make your face look sad or concerned as a way of showing support. If you concentrate on the crying, you can actually feel the grief; that was a new one for me, a very weird new experience.
I am a retired early childhood special education teacher. You just observed/discovered these things as an adult. However, these are the very things that teachers and therapists help children with autism notice and respond to starting as preschoolers. The more that I have read your various threads the more that I am convinced that you need to "start from the very beginning" ie. start to learn the basics that are usually taught to very young children about emotions, communications, dealing with social situations.
I know that there are speech therapists or specialists that deal with adults on the spectrum. Many people have given you great links and suggestions. Instead of lamenting "I was not diagnosed as a child, so I did not receive any help", please, please get the help now. If you get the help now, I know that in a couple of years you will be absolutely amazed at the positive changes in your life. But, if you continue, without getting help, in a couple of years you will still be posting on CD complaining about your life.
And, then you will be 40 & you will still be posting on CD complaining about your life.
And, then you will be 50 & you will still be posting on CD complaining about your life.
And, then you will be 60 & you will still be posting on CD complaining about your life.
And, then you will be 70 & you will still be posting on CD complaining about your life.
Please, please start on the journey of seeking help and learning new skills that will lead to success and happiness in your life.
Talk less and listen more. When you do speak, measure your words very carefully. Soon, people will think you are the smartest person in the room. I am serious. This works.
I don't really understand what you mean. The smallest things, the daydreaming, the obsessions, the social anxiety, etc., are actually the hardest things to change. I'm getting better, and I've surprised myself that I can do some of these things automatically.
Yeah, I think I've sort of gone into a "honeymoon phase" with this disorder since I started learning about it and don't exactly want to leave. Most of what I rant and cry about is related to how I was treated as a child and as a young adult. I'm finding that at age 30, I'm better equipped to handle things. I don't have huge emotional melt-downs anymore, unless I'm really upset, and my social anxiety is in check, because I interact with people all of the time, even if I don't do the best job of it. I just get anxious now and then when I compare myself to other people, and I get frustrated, because I feel like I should be able to meet or exceed high standards. I'm a classic over-achiever, and I don't understand why no one seems to notice that. I've actually been called "lazy."
My remaining problems are serious distraction, either from the OCD thoughts or from the fantasies I use to escape them. I'm almost constantly daydreaming. It's actually not that easy to focus. I manage to focus by distracting myself from the distraction, if that makes any sense. I work to keep myself very busy during the day so that my mind has something else to shift to. Hey, on the bright side, I do think I have a pretty good grasp of what my students with attention problems go through.
I don't think you give yourself enough credit. Look at the strides that you have already made. You are going to a therapist. I have no idea if this particular one is going to be the right choice to help you, but as I recall, at one point, you were reluctant to see anyone. The fact that you took this step deserves a round of applause. Secondly, a huge, huge accomplishment. You found a job and held on to it for a year and now you are still back at it. I know that there are problems with it but the fact that you have been working there all of this time and are still at it deserves another round of applause. Don't forget these things while you are kicking yourself for all of the "bad" things that have happened and your psychological issues. You have already achieved quite a bit. This indicates that you can move forward, even if it feels like you are moving at a snail's pace.
I apologize for not being clearer with my suggestion. I have a habit of writing posts on CD when I am either very tired or not able to concentrate. I tend to just write them quickly and carelessly without paying too much attention to word choice, grammar, or clarity. What I meant was to pick some issue that would be, in your opinion, easy for you to change. Give yourself a small homework assignment. Something that would cause a little anxiety, but not create a major amount of anxiety. Even if it is one of those behaviors that you do that others cannot see, one of the rituals. Or pick something else. Obviously, I don't know all of the thoughts and behaviors. Maybe pick one and tell your current therapist, that this is the one that you want to work on changing and ask if she can assist. Just one. Baby steps. It sounds like you are already doing this automatically because you stated that you have been working on cutting down some of the daydreaming. But for this exercise, and I suggest that you think of it as an exercise just like sit-ups or push-ups, you do this one in a focused, narrow way. Since you are an English teacher, I'll give you the analogy of just learning verbs with the "ed" ending. The unit may be the "past tense," but for now, you are just learning the past tense form of verbs that end with "ed." Rather than thinking that you have to work in a "top-down" framework (to use an education metaphor), try the "bottom-up" or "part-whole" approach. I think that top-down must seem very overwhelming. Again, I am not a psychologist or ASD expert, but this is just a harmless suggestion that might make one small daily struggle a little easier after you have mastered it. You may also want to read about ABA techniques which involve a lot of repetition and is often used in special education classes, as well as speech pathology. This is not going to solve your social issues or your ability to read verbal and nonverbal communication issues. This is only going to address some of the "symptoms" of ASD. Like tylenol to bring down the fever. But it may make your daily life a teeny bit easier.
Also now, that you are entering your 30s, as you get closer to 40, you really do get a better sense of "who am I." I see that you are doing a lot of self-reflection and self-analysis. That's fine, but you also have to learn to "let it go." After a while, you just get tired of all of that "why" stuff. You and I suppose your therapist have already identified the problems. And even if you haven't completely finished your self-exploration with and without the therapist, it's also time to make a plan for resolution of the issues. You have been given a lot of resources by other posters. I think you get overwhelmed and you have a habit of being disorganized. If you are a visual learner, you need to make some sort of graphic organizer or list or something to help you see the process and then check off each thing as you do them.
I am a retired early childhood special education teacher. You just observed/discovered these things as an adult. However, these are the very things that teachers and therapists help children with autism notice and respond to starting as preschoolers. The more that I have read your various threads the more that I am convinced that you need to "start from the very beginning" ie. start to learn the basics that are usually taught to very young children about emotions, communications, dealing with social situations.
I know that there are speech therapists or specialists that deal with adults on the spectrum. Many people have given you great links and suggestions. Instead of lamenting "I was not diagnosed as a child, so I did not receive any help", please, please get the help now. If you get the help now, I know that in a couple of years you will be absolutely amazed at the positive changes in your life. But, if you continue, without getting help, in a couple of years you will still be posting on CD complaining about your life.
And, then you will be 40 & you will still be posting on CD complaining about your life.
And, then you will be 50 & you will still be posting on CD complaining about your life.
And, then you will be 60 & you will still be posting on CD complaining about your life.
And, then you will be 70 & you will still be posting on CD complaining about your life.
Please, please start on the journey of seeking help and learning new skills that will lead to success and happiness in your life.
And this^. When it comes to social interactions, you are illiterate. You need to learn how to "read" and how to "write" from the very beginning. Just like a preschooler, you need to start with the "alphabet." Please go try one of the many resources that have been given to you to become "literate."
Suppose you had a student that you were trying to teach how to count to ten. You brought the child all kinds of things to use to help the child to count, games, candy, storybooks. And every time you approached that child, the child just walked out of the room and said "I can't." Just before school was over, the child would come back and tell you, "please, I need to know how to count to 10. Everyone is making fun of me. I want to know how to count. Please,please, please, please. Everyone is being mean to me. But I just can't, can't, can't learn how to count." How do you think the teacher would feel if that went on for days, weeks, months? The teacher would feel frustrated, no? Ready to give up. The teacher would feel angry at you. Find you to be annoying, irritating. The teacher may even have an insight that this student is afraid to learn how to count. But the teacher will still feel angry, annoyed, irritated and will give up. This is how many of us here feel on CD who have tried to help you over the years. The student has to engage in the process. We can't make you engage in the process of trying to change what you want to change. As Germaine here stated, if you don't engage, then you will spend the rest of your life, complaining and unhappy.
Not for nothing but I maladaptively daydream nearly constantly and though not DXd, have been informed directly by two (unrelated) professionals that I am almost certainly on the spectrum.
I have worked since 1985, supported myself and my son entirely for 13 years, and continue to work now while running a household with two more children and a husband.
That can backfire. When people force themselves to smile, it often seems like a fake smile. Fake smiles often seem sinister, and can make your mood more negative instead of more positive.
I discovered only recently (and I'm 49!!!) that I don't smile - at all - when I joke, which is all the time. It must look CREEPY.
I am forcing myself to smile now when I'm joking as I think it must be more creepy to glare and joke than to fake-smile and joke.
I won't give up the joking, LOL.
I also hardly move my mouth when I speak and it looks really weird. Although it feels very unnatural to me, I am trying more and more to open my mouth a bit (from side to side, I mean) when I form words.
OP, you'll never be perfect but no NT will ever be perfect, either. So what? Still try. Try, or be miserable. That's all ANY of us can do...NT, OTS or whatever.
Not for nothing but I maladaptively daydream nearly constantly and though not DXd, have been informed directly by two (unrelated) professionals that I am almost certainly on the spectrum.
I have worked since 1985, supported myself and my son entirely for 13 years, and continue to work now while running a household with two more children and a husband.
That's awesome...surely you understand that Autism is a spectrum, and everyone falls into a different place on the spectrum, and thus functions differently depending where they fall? Just want to clarify because it sounds like you're applying your experience as if to imply ASD is only an excuse for her since you have succeeded despite it. I would disagree quite heartily with that assumption however just going by the many interactions I have had with OP over the years. Her stance on the spectrum IS truly disabling for OP and she does need professional guidance to learn how to succeed in life.
That's awesome...surely you understand that Autism is a spectrum, and everyone falls into a different place on the spectrum, and thus functions differently depending where they fall? Just want to clarify because it sounds like you're applying your experience as if to imply ASD is only an excuse for her since you have succeeded despite it. I would disagree quite heartily with that assumption however just going by the many interactions I have had with OP over the years. Her stance on the spectrum IS truly disabling for OP and she does need professional guidance to learn how to succeed in life.
I certainly do understand this. The OP specifically said she wants to be around autistic people who have been successful (I think that's how she put it). But she's not reaching out in real time yet from what I can see. So here is my input, if it can be considered successful.
NONE of this came lightly, none. Tired of being tortured physically and verbally by the other students on a daily basis, I finally began attempting to emulate NT people (without realizing there was a distinction...I just thought I was crazy or messed-up) at approximately the age of 11. I literally watched other girls and then tried to copy what they did later...tone of voice, physical positioning of the body, everything. It took years and I'm still not "just right" at it. I still screw up socially daily and always will.
I will never be able to walk up and down grades without holding onto something due to my lack of coordination. I will never be able to wear more than a half-inch heel...when I do, I can't "feel" where I'm going with my feet and I trip and fall, in front of everyone. I will never be able to really catch a ball, I will never dance in anything other than herky-jerks, I will never be able to fully focus for more than certain brief periods (which I am aware of and work around/through/with), I will never be the "cool" person, I will never even have more than a friend or two at a time as I am too odd, and I will never smile naturally or be able to use my "real" tone of voice, which I was told for more than a decade sounded like "a robot" and "weird." These things will never change. I work either with, or around them, or despite them.
I literally started out my school experience sitting on a playground curled in a ball and rocking. I am here now through four decades of constant hard work which will not be over during my lifetime. Because there will always be a just slightly new experience. Always. It is NEVER identical the next time and that's maddening.
Nobody helped me, ever; even my parents literally called me crazy and beat me and threw me into walls for "refusing" to "act normal." I was bullied and bloodied my entire childhood experience. There was NO help for a non-"mentally retarded" (it was called that in the 70s) socially odd child. None. Full stop. You were beaten and screamed at into acting as NT as possible. It has NOT been an easy ride and I did NOT give my experience flippantly. She specifically asked for success stories.
I certainly do understand this. The OP specifically said she wants to be around autistic people who have been successful (I think that's how she put it). But she's not reaching out in real time yet from what I can see. So here is my input, if it can be considered successful.
NONE of this came lightly, none. Tired of being tortured physically and verbally by the other students on a daily basis, I finally began attempting to emulate NT people (without realizing there was a distinction...I just thought I was crazy or messed-up) at approximately the age of 11. I literally watched other girls and then tried to copy what they did later...tone of voice, physical positioning of the body, everything. It took years and I'm still not "just right" at it. I still screw up socially daily and always will.
I will never be able to walk up and down grades without holding onto something due to my lack of coordination. I will never be able to wear more than a half-inch heel...when I do, I can't "feel" where I'm going with my feet and I trip and fall, in front of everyone. I will never be able to really catch a ball, I will never dance in anything other than herky-jerks, I will never be able to fully focus for more than certain brief periods (which I am aware of and work around/through/with), I will never be the "cool" person, I will never even have more than a friend or two at a time as I am too odd, and I will never smile naturally or be able to use my "real" tone of voice, which I was told for more than a decade sounded like "a robot" and "weird." These things will never change. I work either with, or around them, or despite them.
I literally started out my school experience sitting on a playground curled in a ball and rocking. I am here now through four decades of constant hard work which will not be over during my lifetime. Because there will always be a just slightly new experience. Always. It is NEVER identical the next time and that's maddening.
Nobody helped me, ever; even my parents literally called me crazy and beat me and threw me into walls for "refusing" to "act normal." I was bullied and bloodied my entire childhood experience. There was NO help for a non-"mentally retarded" (it was called that in the 70s) socially odd child. None. Full stop. You were beaten and screamed at into acting as NT as possible. It has NOT been an easy ride and I did NOT give my experience flippantly. She specifically asked for success stories.
I did suggest professional guidance.
Hope this helps.
Yes, with m,ore context I see what you were getting at, and I do think it would be helpful for OP, who I think believes her struggles throughout her life are unique to her.
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