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For those of you who aren't familiar with it, ASD is Autism Spectrum Disorder (once also known as Asperger's Syndrome). Basically, if you have this disorder, you can't communicate non-verbally very well and you frequently miscommunicate in ways that are significant to other people but to which you are usually oblivious. The end result is you come off as odd, disinterested, or rude depending upon the context of the situation. For example, you might make an innocent observation and say something about it a five-year-old might say and not even comprehend that what you said was inappropriate and likely to be take the wrong way. Usually, people don't correct you for these things, because they think you "should know better." You have trouble with simple social situations and often find "gray areas" in situations where everyone else sees the rules in "black and white."
As a result of the frequent miscommunication, your relationships suffer. You can't build bonds like other people do, because people have a tendency not to trust you and they blame you for "not taking responsibility for your mistakes." You want to tell everyone it's all just a big misunderstanding and you would "try harder" if you knew what to do, but you know they aren't going to believe you, so you just withdraw and, in my case, develop an unhealthy level of distrust of people. You know that it seems like everyone considers themselves superior to you, but you'll be met with contempt and accusations of acting "arrogant and foolish," if you try to mimic the attitudes other people seem to display toward you.
The problems don't stop at just having a lack luster personal life, either. You also have trouble communicating with co-workers and bosses, and you are very likely to make mistakes on your job, blunders that other people literally wouldn't have thought of making. For instance, I left my computer on at work (I work at a detention center) where it was clearly accessible to the kids for them to do whatever they wanted. I wasn't trying to do anything wrong; I just didn't consider they would have access to it because I was told that they are not allowed around my desk after I leave, and I took that to mean that the kids do not have access to my desk after I leave. Anyone else might have understood that to mean I should secure my desk and my belongings, but I took it literally and thought it meant there was nothing to worry about because the kids would not be able to access the area behind my desk!
There are many days I wish I could just act like a normal adult woman and not worry about all of these missteps. There are many days I wish I could build relationships like other people, relationships that would probably shield me from getting frequent complaints and frustrated lectures rather than patient explanation and consistent reminders. I'm surprised I've been able to keep my job this long, but I know I probably won't be able to if I keep making these errors. It is frustrating, because even people who try to work with me eventually start to feel like I'm "making mistakes on purpose" and "must know what I'm doing."
Here I am at age 30, and I still have all of the big creative dreams I wanted to fulfill by the time I left my twenties, but, alas, people have given me the cold shoulder and proven again and again that they couldn't care less about my dreams and what I want to accomplish, even if I do care about helping them, if I can. I just wish I knew what to do about this. If you've never had it, you probably think the professionals have all of the answers. Experience has taught me that they don't, or if they do, maybe I don't know how to ask the right questions?
As per the boldface statement seen above in your quote:
Actually (as a clarification of terminology), what used to be called "Asperger's Syndrome" was what the psychiatric and neurologic professions had priorly given as a name to what they considered to be what can be called "high-functional autism". That is, the term "Aspergers Syndrome" wasn't meant to serve as the totalistic embodiment of everything that is entailed in "Autism Spectrum Disorder" (unlike how you described it in your quote), for there are differing levels of severity for how autism manifests itself in different indiviiduals across the entire spectrum (i.e., some individuals are low-functional, some individuals are mid-level functional, and some are high-functional . . . and the higher-functioning individuals had previously been ascribed with the separate term "Asperger's Syndrome" (or often referrring to such individuals as "Aspies" for short).
Yet In the latest DSM (or Diagnostics and Statistics) Manual (Fifth Edition or DSM-5) of the American Psychiatric Association which was released in 2013 (and, I imagine, in the international psychiatric profession outside of the USA as well), the term "Asperger's Syndrome" was eliminated as a separate designation. . . whereby instead, what had been priorly called "Asperger's Syndrome" is now just folded into the larger umbrella category of "Autism Spectrum Disorder" at-large (i.e., the symptoms of what was priorly called "Asperger's Syndrome" is now looked upon by the profession as what they characterize as "high-functional autism" within the autism spectrum at-large . . . meaning that some autistic individuals function at a rather high level of self-sufficiency and competency compared to the more lower-functioning autistic individuals with even-more-severe symptoms).
In those contexts if you describe yourself as "nervous and fearful, insecure and afraid" they would rightly decide, not that you're honest, but that you're (1) wrong for the job and (2) there's something fundamentally wrong with you. Because who does that?
Well I don't say that. I am more reserved IRL but I have admitted that I was nervous because I'm sure they could tell that I was. I didn't know what else to say. I feel like I always have to explain myself.
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Originally Posted by mordant
This is why it's generally good advice to go to a social gathering faking self confidence, walking into the room as if you know everyone and everyone absolutely friggin' loves you. Because people respond to that and it's generally a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Well the highly observant nature of mine makes me too aware that couldn't be further than the truth but hopefully the book I'm reading will help me turn it off. Unfortunately the book says in order to learn how to turn all the crap off I have to be completely focused so hopefully I can do it but I know my mind can easily wander.
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Originally Posted by mordant
So yeah, if I weren't an established independent contractor and were interviewing for conventional W2 employment, I would probably take a deep breath, hold my nose, and fire up my BS generator. Because the sad fact is that 90% of my competitors are doing so, with gusto. And I will come off weak and insecure if I don't match their BS level and energy level.
That's the problem. I think biology forgot to add my generator. I have even had trouble spinning the truth positivity. With the coach (that has abandoned me) I did do it okay but it was a very big struggle. I guess I have to be patient because now I have someone new helping me and I've only met with them once so far but while he has had experience in coaching I don't think he has experience with disabilities so I don't know how he's going to be able to teach me to lie or rather as you say market.
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Originally Posted by mordant
In modern technological urban living, though, this is very maladaptive. So it makes pragmatic sense to train yourself to notice and pay attention to positives by maybe a ten-to-one factor, to compensate for your tendency to pay attention to negatives. It makes sense to follow the science that says if you force yourself to smile frequently, it will lift your mood. All of these things, simply put, WORK. So the reason to do them is not so much because there's some scientific ironclad reason to think things will be okay -- it's because you're already doing too much thinking things will NOT be okay and it's getting in your way.
That's a separate matter of thinking that thoughts create reality. They don't. What thoughts (along with beliefs) actually do is focus you on potential opportunities and help you ignore irrelevancies or things that are low in probability. Your mind is telling you, look over here! An existential threat! When all it is, is some inconsequential thing that may or may not even be true.
Of course I do see positives but they're usually not significant to me. They're not what really matters lately. Also while I am observant, it is sometimes difficult to see potential opportunities because I overthink. Since the situation is stagnant if there are potential opportunities out there I would have to keep my mind completely balanced because they hide very well. What I mean is I don't know if you believe in signs from the universe but I've been seeing things that I think are signs about something positive. However I don't know if it is all just "in my head" or it really is the universe talking to me. I haven't seen any about jobs though but I'm wondering if they are there and I'm not seeing them because of as you say the negative things getting in my way. If I do see something I might think is a sign about jobs, again I might just think it's all "in my head". I've tried googling about signs from the universe and it only makes me more confused if anything.
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Originally Posted by mordant
Well you are not generally going to get a call back unless you insert yourself and ask. Even then, often you won't. You have to keep it up anyway. If you have a 1% probability of getting an offer if you ask for it, then 100 to 200 attempts will get you an offer. Of course I assume you're not telegraphing existential terror when you ask, although that should decrease with repetition if it's a factor.
But if I'm putting in an application can I really insert myself more when it only seems to make them annoyed? If they really wanted me wouldn't they respond to me?
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Originally Posted by mordant
It is better to have a skill that is so needed / sought after / rare that people come to YOU, of course.
At the moment I probably don't have enough of the rare skills so I guess I'm going to have to work on it but I do apparently have a talent/perception that is rare so if I can turn that more into a skill I might have something. I've been meaning to continue reading my book because it sorta sounds like the right thing for me but I've been having trouble allowing myself time because I want to be able to concentrate to really absorb it since it's new and I feel like my mind is too loud or messy all the time these days. I'm also impatient so it's like I want to read the end already and just learn it all but I know that's not the way to go about it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordant
Second best is to have "connections" that you've cultivated over the years from college and even high school on. My son's best job, which he got just out of college, for example, was a job that a high school friend "got him". The friend worked in telephone customer service for a mobile phone carrier, in their call center. He knew my son would be great at it. So he kept asking my son to come over and see him and talk about working for his employer, and he'd make an introduction. This went on for weeks until I found out about it and basically grabbed my son by the shoulders, aimed him at his friend's house, and ordered him to go see him that very night and express keen interest in the job. He got the job. He worked there for two years until he found some other way to self-sabotage (bored with the job, quit to go on an ill-advised quest for a "better" job).
Both easier said than done. Absent those, you are looking at just dogged persistence I'm afraid. But make sure you're not overlooking any "connections". This needn't be high-faluting ivy league buddies on your private Rolodex, as I illustrated above. Just people who know you and can put in a good word for you.
Yeah I know and that's what's really frustrating. As an introverted loner, I really don't have any connections. In school I had a few friends but I definitely wasn't popular and I wasn't close to that many people. It bums me out because most of the teachers liked me so I bet they would make great references but I haven't seen them since school either. I took online college so college is out.
It's no wonder I miss my high school days. Since teachers loved me, I got a lot of help in class when I needed it and was able to get by okay. One even helped me go Christmas shopping for my parents. Now that I'm an adult I don't get that. Employers don't ever see me like my teachers did. They seem to be the exact opposite and not see anything promising in me.
As per the boldface statement seen above in your quote:
Actually (as a clarification of terminology), what used to be called "Asperger's Syndrome" was what the psychiatric and neurologic professions had priorly given as a name to what they considered to be what can be called "high-functional autism". That is, the term "Aspergers Syndrome" wasn't meant to serve as the totalistic embodiment of everything that is entailed in "Autism Spectrum Disorder" (unlike how you described it in your quote), for there are differing levels of severity for how autism manifests itself in different indiviiduals across the entire spectrum (i.e., some individuals are low-functional, some individuals are mid-level functional, and some are high-functional . . . and the higher-functioning individuals had previously been ascribed with the separate term "Asperger's Syndrome" (or often referrring to such individuals as "Aspies" for short).
Yet In the latest DSM (or Diagnostics and Statistics) Manual (Fifth Edition or DSM-5) of the American Psychiatric Association which was released in 2013 (and, I imagine, in the international psychiatric profession outside of the USA as well), the term "Asperger's Syndrome" was eliminated as a separate designation. . . whereby instead, what had been priorly called "Asperger's Syndrome" is now just folded into the larger umbrella category of "Autism Spectrum Disorder" at-large (i.e., the symptoms of what was priorly called "Asperger's Syndrome" is now looked upon by the profession as what they characterize as "high-functional autism" within the autism spectrum at-large . . . meaning that some autistic individuals function at a rather high level of self-sufficiency and competency compared to the more lower-functioning autistic individuals with even-more-severe symptoms).
Just a clarification.
Okay, that was a mistake. I assumed people used them interchangeably depending upon when they were diagnosed. I've heard my doctor refer to it as ASD and Asperger's. I thought ASD was colloquially called "Asperger's," due to the way I've heard it used. Thanks for clearing that up, my apologies.
Why not try an experiment. Pick something small that you would like to change. Something that doesn't cause you a lot of anxiety. I think you are overwhelmed when you discuss all of your problems. Think like a teacher. Pick one small thing. Something that you already know how to change. Then practice, practice, practice it in real life. Do the rubber band snap trick to remind you. Try it for a month. Let it become an ingrained behavior. Then add something else. This is probably what you would do with a behavioral therapist, anyway. Set teeny tiny goals. Hey, if you have to make a chart to put on the refrigerator and give yourself a sticker when you do it, just like what you would do with your students, then go for it. Use whatever works.
Lots of people here, once again, are offering you sympathy and advice. You know that you do have some really severe issues, not just ASD or they are part of the ASD. You've stated that you have some "appearance" issues and most people just don't have the insight or compassion to recognize that some of these quirks are really harmless or really the same thing as if you were born with a missing finger. I understand that you don't want to wear a sign around your neck stating ASD Person, but without full explanation, most people will just go by first impressions. The CDF really has become your co-dependent over the years.
I don't really understand what you mean. The smallest things, the daydreaming, the obsessions, the social anxiety, etc., are actually the hardest things to change. I'm getting better, and I've surprised myself that I can do some of these things automatically.
Yeah, I think I've sort of gone into a "honeymoon phase" with this disorder since I started learning about it and don't exactly want to leave. Most of what I rant and cry about is related to how I was treated as a child and as a young adult. I'm finding that at age 30, I'm better equipped to handle things. I don't have huge emotional melt-downs anymore, unless I'm really upset, and my social anxiety is in check, because I interact with people all of the time, even if I don't do the best job of it. I just get anxious now and then when I compare myself to other people, and I get frustrated, because I feel like I should be able to meet or exceed high standards. I'm a classic over-achiever, and I don't understand why no one seems to notice that. I've actually been called "lazy."
My remaining problems are serious distraction, either from the OCD thoughts or from the fantasies I use to escape them. I'm almost constantly daydreaming. It's actually not that easy to focus. I manage to focus by distracting myself from the distraction, if that makes any sense. I work to keep myself very busy during the day so that my mind has something else to shift to. Hey, on the bright side, I do think I have a pretty good grasp of what my students with attention problems go through.
If someone opens up enough to share that they're sad, which is a risk, what would you imagine they are looking for? Empathy and validation, or indifference? Of course they want you to signal that you understand their feelings by mirroring them a bit. Not that you aren't paying attention, don't care, or are self absorbed by carrying on as if you don't see or hear them.
It's not that hard to understand once you ponder it a bit. You see? It's not that it's even entirely opaque to you, you just never intuited the rules of the game. But you CAN learn them. So enough of this "nothing works" tripe. Of course something works, you simply have to find it and deign to implement it.
You're assuming I knew what they were doing. Before, I hadn't paid enough attention to understand it. I thought they were just acting for one another. I thought real emotions were seldom expressed, because that's the way it is for me. I wasn't imagining that the signal, the frown or the look of discomfort, actually genuinely meant the person was feeling that way. It didn't make sense and still doesn't, really, but I at least know now that's how it works, and, to show concern, you have to read the emotion and "feel" it so that you send the same signals. This is that sense of "mind reading" I used to get the impression that people were doing, and it has improved my interactions a lot when I haven't been too distracted to do it.
I don't know; it's like someone suddenly flipped a "switch." I suddenly became more aware of people and started to try to intuit how they were feeling, instead of just guessing they were "out to get me."
Well, because as an undergraduate, I didn't even know Asperger's was a diagnosis, unless I'm incorrect. I learned that I had it when I was a graduate student re-doing student teaching. I knew that social situations were difficult for me, but I thought it was just a kid or perhaps teen thing and that I would grow out of it as an adult. Well, it was difficult to convince myself otherwise until I had my diagnosis, because I thought socializing was just a normal thing that came to people naturally. I, like probably most of you, wasn't aware there was a disorder that makes it ridiculously difficult to communicate and get along in social situations, and I certainly didn't know the name of it. Had I known earlier, I probably would have changed my focus or at least used it to inform my experience.
But...wasn't it obvious, that it didn't "come naturally" to you, well before that? I knew, from the time I started school, when the teacher would call on me, and I would look around and my eyes would start watering, because I hated everyone looking at me. I also knew, from the first day, when I seemed to be the only kid that wasn't crying when their mom or dad left, that I was also very independent. Both things I've known my whole life. Fittingly, I always avoided public speaking, and group work, and even avoided classes and majors in college that had required these, until I found my "place", in Philosophy...where all the fellow weirdo thinkers could just sit and muse, haha.
But...wasn't it obvious, that it didn't "come naturally" to you, well before that? I knew, from the time I started school, when the teacher would call on me, and I would look around and my eyes would start watering, because I hated everyone looking at me. I also knew, from the first day, when I seemed to be the only kid that wasn't crying when their mom or dad left, that I was also very independent. Both things I've known my whole life. Fittingly, I always avoided public speaking, and group work, and even avoided classes and majors in college that had required these, until I found my "place", in Philosophy...where all the fellow weirdo thinkers could just sit and muse, haha.
Nah, I tried and tried and tried some more and when I couldn't do it, I just assumed they were playing some kind of weird "game" with me. Yeah, I was that out of touch. I assumed that the problems I had in school were because I was dealing with stupid immature kids, and I thought becoming an adult and getting "teacher training" would change all of that. I was very wrong, and, no, I didn't really use common sense, because I was a sheltered only child who had many adult friends and at least one undiagnosed Aspie family member to vent to who would constantly reaffirm that "you're not crazy; it's the world."
late to the thread and didn't read the whole thing, but wanted to say: based on your original post here, there's no way you'd be allowed to teach a class on your own.
Maybe they'd hire you as a teaching assistant, but to actually have your own class?? No, it's not possible for you.
You have limitations, you know what your limitations are, now work within them and work with them. We all have limitations, every one of us, and we have learned to work within them and work with them. You can do the same.
late to the thread and didn't read the whole thing, but wanted to say: based on your original post here, there's no way you'd be allowed to teach a class on your own.
Maybe they'd hire you as a teaching assistant, but to actually have your own class?? No, it's not possible for you.
You have limitations, you know what your limitations are, now work within them and work with them. We all have limitations, every one of us, and we have learned to work within them and work with them. You can do the same.
I'm actually getting pretty good at hiding it, though, and I do currently teach a class of adults; I'm the head ESL teacher there, actually, although our attendance has been pretty low, like only a handful of people. I also manage to hold down a job at a detention center, but, again, the number of students I have to deal with are pretty low. I know I don't do well working with large groups unless they're already pretty motivated. Keeping kids' attention isn't easy for me, although I do have my "on" days.
Yeah, I wish I could retrain for something that better fits my skill set, because I think a lot of my potential employers think like you do.
Don't think there could be a worse job for someone with difficulties in socialization than working in a detention center. They can be manipulative and it is hard for NT to not get played with.
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I have even had trouble spinning the truth positivity. With the coach (that has abandoned me) I did do it okay but it was a very big struggle. I guess I have to be patient because now I have someone new helping me and I've only met with them once so far but while he has had experience in coaching I don't think he has experience with disabilities so I don't know how he's going to be able to teach me to lie or rather as you say market. 
Had I known earlier, I probably would have changed my focus or at least used it to inform my experience.
