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Another birthday has come and gone and I'm feeling a bit down. It's not an age thing but I still feel like an outsider. I am a 40+ woman. Happily married- amazingly. I have a limited number of friends so it seems like I shouldn't complain. I did very very well in university etc etc., but I don't fit the mold yet. I figured I'd conform at some point in my life and thought that would make everything easier but it hasn't happened. Now I feel like- though I like who I am- I'm so quiet around other people. I can't relate to them. Men talk about sports and cars and politics. Women talk about hair and clothes, health issues and politics. Health issues are noteworthy to me but I couldn't care less about materialism, make-up, sports and cars. All those discussions sound like gobbledygook to me.
Am I doomed to never feel a connection again? Is it just going to be me and the tiny circle I have for the next few decades before I bite the dust? I'm outgoing. I'm an extrovert but these topics... I can't speak to them whatsoever. I can't even feign interest and I don't know how to find people who aren't so consumed by these things.
Another birthday has come and gone and I'm feeling a bit down. It's not an age thing but I still feel like an outsider. I am a 40+ woman. Happily married- amazingly. I have a limited number of friends so it seems like I shouldn't complain. I did very very well in university etc etc., but I don't fit the mold yet. I figured I'd conform at some point in my life and thought that would make everything easier but it hasn't happened. Now I feel like- though I like who I am- I'm so quiet around other people. I can't relate to them. Men talk about sports and cars and politics. Women talk about hair and clothes, health issues and politics. Health issues are noteworthy to me but I couldn't care less about materialism, make-up, sports and cars. All those discussions sound like gobbledygook to me.
Am I doomed to never feel a connection again? Is it just going to be me and the tiny circle I have for the next few decades before I bite the dust? I'm outgoing. I'm an extrovert but these topics... I can't speak to them whatsoever. I can't even feign interest and I don't know how to find people who aren't so consumed by these things.
I can relate.
I have a ton of acquaintances, and they are great people. But they mostly talk about their kids and tennis and going out ... different stuff than I would like to talk about.
I have found that you just have to work a little harder, if you aren't naturally surrounded by "your tribe," to find them intentionally.
SO .. participate in activities geared around the things that do interest you, and be observant. You probably will find more like-minded people that way.
You are right. I have had to work a little harder. I'm not quite unhappy but sometimes I wish there were more people in my circle. I compare myself now to where I was 20 years ago. In HS I wasn't in the popular crowd per sae but I was invited to the parties. I was seen as fun or interesting. At some point I grew out of that stuff though. I'm domestic with no kids. It's not easy to find people who are in that stage of life it seems. I do volunteer work and that has been really wonderful but they are a few decades above me looking back it's just not the same.
Not to say I don't love them- whether they are 20 years younger or older but interest-wise it's hard to find common ground outside of the volunteer work we do.
Another birthday has come and gone and I'm feeling a bit down. It's not an age thing but I still feel like an outsider. I am a 40+ woman. Happily married- amazingly. I have a limited number of friends so it seems like I shouldn't complain. I did very very well in university etc etc., but I don't fit the mold yet. I figured I'd conform at some point in my life and thought that would make everything easier but it hasn't happened. Now I feel like- though I like who I am- I'm so quiet around other people. I can't relate to them. Men talk about sports and cars and politics. Women talk about hair and clothes, health issues and politics. Health issues are noteworthy to me but I couldn't care less about materialism, make-up, sports and cars. All those discussions sound like gobbledygook to me.
Am I doomed to never feel a connection again? Is it just going to be me and the tiny circle I have for the next few decades before I bite the dust? I'm outgoing. I'm an extrovert but these topics... I can't speak to them whatsoever. I can't even feign interest and I don't know how to find people who aren't so consumed by these things.
Does conforming and having a circle really matter that much to you? Are you that lonely because of it, or are you trying to convince yourself you're lonely in comparison to others who you perceive have a larger circle. And don't kid yourself, people with large circles can be very lonely.
Walk YOUR path in life, and let the chips fall where they may. Don't stray from your path to conform to someone else's. At least that's how I approach life (I'm 57).
OP, hair and clothes, health issues, and politics are of some importance to me - but they're not what I want to spend my time talking with my closest friends about! I think you may be referring to the "safe zones" of conversation that many people default to when they don't feel comfortable talking about things that have more meaning for them.
I think the important thing to remember is that the topics of the conversation are not what's important - it's the way that people relay their thoughts, their non-verbal behaviors, and their level of interest in engaging with you.
It takes a while to develop trust in someone else, but it is clear to me that trusting relationships are what are meaningful to you, so hang in there and remember, there's so much more to conversation than the words themselves.
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OP, I think you're having trouble relating to people because you're not really in a "stage" of life - as in, a stop along the common path - you've chosen an alternative path of life that's quite unusual currently. And it's unlikely you meet other people you meet walking that path.
You did very well in college, and then got married and although you have no children you've chosen to be a homemaker, and now you're in your 40's. There are few women who have chosen this path, making opportunities for connections to friends - through work, through having kids going to the same school, and on the soccer team etc., nonexistant. Your ability to meet and make connections to friends has been limited by your life choices.
What's your "life's work"? It doesn't have to be paid - but what are passionate about, and what do you believe to be your contribution to this world once you're gone? When you find that and concentrate on that, you will have a large circle of like-minded friends.
I haven't really heard of a woman who is a homemaker/housewife, does not have a career path or job, has no children, is in her 40's (or 30's)..... I met just one once (exclamation !) - but I noticed she is now showing pics of her working in an office and wearing scrubs. Oddly, she lived in NJ too.
You don't mention whether you worked before marrying, or if you did, what kind of work you did, or what you majored in at university.
Last edited by matisse12; 06-09-2017 at 07:43 PM..
Get a retail job at a shop you enjoy. Volunteer - I'd shoot for a museum. Garden and join a gardening group. Join a book group or a writing group. Find an interest and start cultivating it. Attend lectures at a local university - NJ has amazing colleges and universities. Take some classes at your community college. Hike - there are some lovely spots in NJ and the surrouding states.
I'm 41, grew up in NJ, and I can count on one hand the number of conversations I've had with my many female friends about hair or clothes in the past year. Health and politics come up frequently. But mostly we are discussing what movies we want to watch, what we're reading, our pets, our jobs, our hobbies. You kinda need to get over yourself - you've classified "women" as being interested in a set list of things and set yourself apart as "different" which is just ridiculous. You know what I'm into? Books. I have an entire basement that is full of books that I hoard like Smaug hoards gold. Oh, and dogs. I have a really awesome dog.
You are not that rare of a creature - sorry. Now go out and try to make a connection with another person without assuming you know what they are into.
and set yourself apart as "different" which is just ridiculous.
You are not that rare of a creature - sorry.
But she is different~. (in being a homemaker in her 40's without a career or job outside the home, and no children; it's not a frequent situation) I don't mean to be adversarial, but I've read your list of activities to do in life about 12 billion times before on City-Data Forums. And each time of the 12 billion times the activities are described as if they've never been thought of before or never described before.
She is not different in what she wishes to talk about, as many women have conversational interests she shares.
There maybe is something about NJ and women's roles....
Last edited by matisse12; 06-09-2017 at 08:57 PM..
You are right. I have had to work a little harder. I'm not quite unhappy but sometimes I wish there were more people in my circle. I compare myself now to where I was 20 years ago. In HS I wasn't in the popular crowd per sae but I was invited to the parties. I was seen as fun or interesting. At some point I grew out of that stuff though. I'm domestic with no kids. It's not easy to find people who are in that stage of life it seems. I do volunteer work and that has been really wonderful but they are a few decades above me looking back it's just not the same.
Not to say I don't love them- whether they are 20 years younger or older but interest-wise it's hard to find common ground outside of the volunteer work we do.
You may need to find different places to volunteer. Unless you just live in a retiree community, there should be people your age there.
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