The Problem With Giving Advice Online (psychologist, therapy, college, thoughts)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I was a poster here for years, but I took a long hiatus from the site because I was in a pretty difficult situation and it reached the point where talking about it here was causing me far more stress, than good. I found another forum site elsewhere and more sympathetic community to share with for a while. Unfortunately it does not have the high levels of activity that this site does. Long story short, my ex husband of 18 years had become dangerously unhinged. I got tons of advice that he was going to murder all of us unless I grabbed my kids and ran and hid. Go be homeless, live in a shelter, the heck with the kids school, with my job, we had to escape the fire! Well... I was IN the situation. I believed then, and still do, that I was the only person with any ability to manage my ex's mental state and help him in any way at that point.
Here's the thing though... I appreciate when someone gives me advice I will not follow, because in explaining why I won't, I have a chance to question my own reasoning and make decisions about why I am doing what I'm doing and if it really makes any sense, or not. When one must defend one's thinking, then that's when you find out if your thinking is sound or it isn't. You have to check yourself on what your motives are, and think about likely outcomes.
Unfortunately, a lot of people take personal offence when you say, "Thank you for your input. I am not choosing to follow it at this time, and here is why, but I appreciate you nonetheless." When it goes to a place of, "Well then you deserve all the worst things that will happen, see if I'm not right"... OK, let's not wish bad things on people. I still see where some posters seem to struggle with just being nice and I've never understood the appeal of being nasty to others online (or in person actually) so...yeah, I just don't get it.
Whenever I've invited people to "play God" and then dethroned their authority by acting independent, I got the same results as yourself. In various degrees. I have learned not to place my reliance on people.
Wherever a person places their ultimate reliance in their life, that is their God.
Like any forum, there are good people with sound advice given the small amount of information they get from the OP, and then there are idiots who don't have a clue.
I think some people live pitifully sad or lonely lives and CD helps them cope even if they don't follow the advice. It's kind of like a church with thousands in the congregation. Sure, there are a lot of people who rant and complain, but if CD helps even just one person get out of a volatile/dangerous situation, or save a life or a marriage, etc, then that is awesome.
The threads that bother me the most are the ones where almost every poster jumps all over the OP, get abusive with their words and make the OP feel like crap. When they come here for advice, some of them are so mixed up, that what they don't need is people to make them feel even worse. There's nothing helpful about it. A little bit of kindness and sympathy goes a long way in making people feel better about themselves or their situation.
OP: I think my boss is sleeping with his secretary and it is affecting the office working environment.
Useless response: "Why do you care? It's none of your business who he sleeps with. Get a life"
...or something to that effect.
Because it's true. Can you dispute that? The employee can't control the boss or the secretary. He can try complaining but that's not going to end well. So what else is there to do? Also, unless this was the employee's dream job, they were going to eventually move on to another job anyway. Why get bent out of shape about people who are going to be in ones past?
Like any forum, there are good people with sound advice given the small amount of information they get from the OP, and then there are idiots who don't have a clue.
I think some people live pitifully sad or lonely lives and CD helps them cope even if they don't follow the advice. It's kind of like a church with thousands in the congregation. Sure, there are a lot of people who rant and complain, but if CD helps even just one person get out of a volatile/dangerous situation, or save a life or a marriage, etc, then that is awesome.
The threads that bother me the most are the ones where almost every poster jumps all over the OP, get abusive with their words and make the OP feel like crap. When they come here for advice, some of them are so mixed up, that what they don't need is people to make them feel even worse. There's nothing helpful about it. A little bit of kindness and sympathy goes a long way in making people feel better about themselves or their situation.
Thank you for this. I hate it when posters say "Why do you care? Or MYOB." well, why did YOU care enough to post on this thread you think is so useless? So heartless. Does it really make these posters' day to abuse other people looking for help? How about a little kindness and compassion!
Thank you for this. I hate it when posters say "Why do you care? Or MYOB." well, why did YOU care enough to post on this thread you think is so useless? So heartless. Does it really make these posters' day to abuse other people looking for help? How about a little kindness and compassion!
What if someone is sincerely trying to be kind by giving you the truth, straight up?
OP: I think my boss is sleeping with his secretary and it is affecting the office working environment.
Useless response: "Why do you care? It's none of your business who he sleeps with. Get a life"
...or something to that effect.
I started a thread a few months back asking for some suggestions about my adult son. You wouldn't believe some of the nasty responses I received. I finally contacted a moderator and told them to remove the entire thread. I learned not to ask anything important on here ever again. Some people just can't be civil or helpful and others have to tell you what happened to THEM. Yes, we all do it to a certain extent but others just go for the jugular on here. I have plenty of people on ignore.
...Here's the thing though... I appreciate when someone gives me advice I will not follow, because in explaining why I won't, I have a chance to question my own reasoning and make decisions about why I am doing what I'm doing and if it really makes any sense, or not. When one must defend one's thinking, then that's when you find out if your thinking is sound or it isn't. You have to check yourself on what your motives are, and think about likely outcomes.
...
Love this part, especially the highlighted. Such a simple concept that would solve so many situations.
The other points in me sharing what I did before about the crazy stuff I was dealing with...
1. I was afraid of gaslighting effects. Wanted people outside of myself & the situation to be able to maybe point at certain things and say, "This right here? This is an effect of gaslighting." so that I could trust my own perception of the matters at hand. I know now, when I read about issues other people have sometimes, I can spot some really telltale phrasings that show up symptoms of this sort of thing. When you have been there, you know what certain kinds of BS smell like.
Sometimes it isn't so much that one needs advice...sometimes one needs a little support, so that they can trust their own judgment through a hard time. Going through difficulties and NOT feeling like you can trust your own choices is paralytically terrifying. Having to fend off people who seem to have bruised egos when you don't follow their advice, does not help. And this issue is often present when people try to exit abusive relationships. You doubt yourself, you question everything. It sucks.
2. I wanted a place to lay down documentation of what was going on. Somewhere I could refer back to for dates, and incidents. Honestly though, posting on C-D was not really the appropriate venue for that. But it was like...I want SOMEONE to know, in case something happens to me, what has been going on... But at the same time, I didn't want to send reports to anyone I knew personally because I didn't want them trying to get involved, which would only make things messier. I am not sure where the best place would have been to share what I was sharing at the time. But it's moot now, since that storm has long since passed.
Honestly, professional help of some kind would have been more appropriate for my situation, but I didn't feel that it was available to me then. This was the best I had. I felt otherwise very isolated during the worst of it.
Thing is, a lot of people behave as though the ONLY legitimate use for these forum threads is Ask Advice / Get Advice. I don't much care for that. Sometimes I just want to discuss stuff. But at this point, I just hope that my experiences have taught me things about how to handle it when others are struggling, what is the compassionate way to offer support or advice or whatever they need.
I only give advice on subjects I have a pretty good grasp of.
I don't know anything about aviation, medicine, law, plumbing, Arkansas, or chain saws so you'll never see my name under those subjects.
LOL - Go look at some of your past posts, especially the aviation topic.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
