The Problem With Giving Advice Online (borderline, feelings, people, everything)
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1. I was afraid of gaslighting effects. Wanted people outside of myself & the situation to be able to maybe point at certain things and say, "This right here? This is an effect of gaslighting." so that I could trust my own perception of the matters at hand. I know now, when I read about issues other people have sometimes, I can spot some really telltale phrasings that show up symptoms of this sort of thing. When you have been there, you know what certain kinds of BS smell like.
people try to exit abusive relationships. You doubt yourself, you question everything. It sucks.
...
Honestly, professional help of some kind would have been more appropriate for my situation, but I didn't feel that it was available to me then. This was the best I had. I felt otherwise very isolated during the worst of it.
It's interesting that you mentioned gaslighting. If anyone gaslighted me when I tried to ask for advice/guidance, it was my therapists. They brushed off my questions, and instead just did three things: parroted my statements back to me , asked me about my feelings and didn't believe me, or gave me ye olde "just tell the person how you feel" . When they could have easily said: "I'm not authorized to give advice." Which I would have taken in stride (and probably refused to return afterwards). At the end of such sessions, I felt like an escaped loony bin patient, rather than someone who asked for advice and didn't get it. If that's not gaslighting, I don't know what is.
So while the advice on here can be far from "nice" at times, it's still better than what I got during my stints with "professional help". That, or you'll run into someone who adds their own anecdotes , for one reason or another. I guess "professional help" is way more effective when you're an older adult and had a chance to develop a BS detector, than at a young age. I hope you were able to get help from someone competent, rather than the clowns I had back when.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 06-20-2017 at 02:25 PM..
What if someone is sincerely trying to be kind by giving you the truth, straight up?
Many don't want the truth, they want you to sympathize and reinforce their fantasy. I rarely go to the "Relationships" area, but "my bf and I have been together for 7 years now and he says we will eventually get married, should I believe him" and they get "sure he will" and OP is happy until someone voices what normally is happening or will happen based on what they have seen.
Generally there are not enough details. The more experienced one is in life, the harder it is to feed some delusions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chiluvr1228
I started a thread a few months back asking for some suggestions about my adult son. You wouldn't believe some of the nasty responses I received. I finally contacted a moderator and told them to remove the entire thread. I learned not to ask anything important on here ever again. Some people just can't be civil or helpful and others have to tell you what happened to THEM. Yes, we all do it to a certain extent but others just go for the jugular on here. I have plenty of people on ignore.
When you open the door where anyone can come in, you'll get a lot of different opinions and thoughts. They can be used to sort through your thoughts of what does and does not apply to your situation.
The value of "free" advice varies as much as that which one pays for I suspect.
It's interesting that you mentioned gaslighting. If anyone gaslighted me when I tried to ask for advice/guidance, it was my therapists. They brushed off my questions, and instead just did three things: parroted my statements back to me , asked me about my feelings and didn't believe me, or gave me ye olde "just tell the person how you feel" . When they could have easily said: "I'm not authorized to give advice." Which I would have taken in stride (and probably refused to return afterwards). At the end of such sessions, I felt like an escaped loony bin patient, rather than someone who asked for advice and didn't get it. If that's not gaslighting, I don't know what is.
So while the advice on here can be far from "nice" at times, it's still better than what I got during my stints with "professional help". That, or you'll run into someone who add their own anecdotes, for the lack of being able to give cut-and-dried instructions . I guess "professional help" is way more effective when you're an older adult and had a chance to develop a BS detector. I hope you were able to get help from someone competent, rather than the clowns I had back when.
Actually the few experiences of "professional" therapy I've had in my life were more what you describe, and pretty useless. The ONLY one I ever had who was better, was a high school staff psychologist, when I was in 11th grade. A salty old guy from Jersey, who told it like it was, and refused to enable my BS and called me out on it. Which, at the time, was EXACTLY what I needed.
Since the breakup with the ex, I would say that I have gotten a LOT of very effective therapy and I am in a much, much better place, but it was no professional who helped me. I started going to lots of discussion groups at (of all places, I know) a BDSM club, and between talking to the people in that lifestyle and the poly folks... Thing is, those who do these things really dig around in their own brains. They are good at it. And the cultures of consent and negotiation and being honest with yourself so that you can be honest with others...it's powerful stuff. I've attended general interest groups and workshops, groups for people who identify in certain ways, even a Mental Health First Aid class. We now have a mental health discussion group monthly where people who live with diagnosed mental health concerns can discuss them in a safe, nonjudgmental and supportive environment.
Sometimes I got advice, always I got support, but more than anything I got a lot of tools to understand how to set healthier boundaries for my life going forward, and to work on my own STUFF, how to disassemble all of the nasty little clockwork pieces of dysfunction that 18 years of codependency had built.
What makes me chuckle, is that this scene that has helped me so much, many of the people who gave me advice here were VERY scornful of at the time. I was told, that I should avoid trying to have any new relationships, indefinitely, but certainly for a good long time until I "healed" and stop going out, and just focus on my kids. Well, had I done that...had I not sought supportive community and a new (healthy) relationship... I very likely would have done what many abuse victims do, and gone right back to my abuser. I can say that even now. Because when you look back at 18 years and it wasn't ALL bad...compared to the scary unknown, which you face by yourself...that is hard. Harder than a lot of people would acknowledge. So. I would not ADVISE anyone to take my particular path (unless they believed it was right for them) but I most certainly have gained a lot by it personally.
Most people don't come on message boards to play psychiatrist while you lie on a couch. They often voice their opinions or experiences regardless of how ineffective it is to the OP. While intentions are usually good you don't know them and they don't know you. Comes with the territory of interacting with complete strangers in a setting like this I suppose.
I've gotten tons of great advice on here BTW. If you don't like it, skip over and read the next person's
Since the breakup with the ex, I would say that I have gotten a LOT of very effective therapy and I am in a much, much better place, but it was no professional who helped me. I started going to lots of discussion groups at (of all places, I know) a BDSM club, and between talking to the people in that lifestyle and the poly folks... Thing is, those who do these things really dig around in their own brains. They are good at it. And the cultures of consent and negotiation and being honest with yourself so that you can be honest with others...it's powerful stuff. I've attended general interest groups and workshops, groups for people who identify in certain ways, even a Mental Health First Aid class. We now have a mental health discussion group monthly where people who live with diagnosed mental health concerns can discuss them in a safe, nonjudgmental and supportive environment.
I, too, benefited the most from non-therapy methods. When I was young, I struggled pretty heavily with shyness. That's what I even went to therapy for in my teens, and only wasted my time and my parents' money. I got the most benefit from... wait for it... joining Meetup! Which I did back in 2011. My first group was mostly an older 40+ crowd, while I was 27 at the time. Even though I didn't have much in common with them, they were very welcoming and friendly. Which helped me get comfortable in social groups. As Meetup became more mainstream, groups for younger people emerged, and I joined them. Now, I feel minimal discomfort with approaching a group of strangers and starting a conversation with them, provided that it's socially acceptable in a given situation. Many people in my Meetup groups today treat me as a respected equal, if not a friend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tailsock
Most people don't come on message boards to play psychiatrist while you lie on a couch. They often voice their opinions or experiences regardless of how ineffective it is to the OP. While intentions are usually good you don't know them and they don't know you. Comes with the territory of interacting with complete strangers in a setting like this I suppose.
Going back to what I said earlier, it's still better to get some advice, and sort trash from treasure yourself. As opposed to someone giving you a whole bunch of therapy jargon, only to later realize that they didn't tell you anything you didn't already know.
There is also some variation in the usefulness, empathy, helpfulness, and respectfulness from one forum to another and even on different subforums on this very website. Some are, by their very nature, divisive and argumentative (i.e. politics and other controversies). When it comes to advice, some forums (including different sections on THIS forum) are better or worse online than in real life.
I've never posted a question on the "Relationships" forum (both the Non-Romantic and the other one), but my personal take from browsing this occasionally is the "advice" given there is more mean spirited than how people would speak to each other in real life (at least I hope). For example, there's a thread right now asking about moving hours away from their son, who is college age, and some of the responses are rude like "cut the umbilical cord" and things like that, for someone who is legitimately asking for advice on possibly being so far away from their family. That's what I'm talking about.
On the other hand, on some of the forums about specific places, when I've asked a question, I've found people to be very helpful and friendly, perhaps more so than if I were asking the question of random strangers in real life.
Last edited by Jowel; 06-20-2017 at 04:16 PM..
Reason: Note: I edited my wording, and given an example, so this may be slightly different than the quoted phrase below.
There is also some variation in the usefulness, empathy, helpfulness, and respectfulness from one forum to another and even on different subforums on this very website. Some are, by their very nature, divisive and argumentative (i.e. politics and other controversies). When it comes to advice, some forums (including different sections on THIS forum) are better or worse online than in real life.
I've never posted a question on the "Relationships" forum (not the Non-Romantic relationship, but the "Relationships" --implying Romantic advice), but my personal take from browsing this occasionally is the "advice" given there is more mean spirited than how people would speak to each other in real life (at least I hope). On the other hand, on some of the forums about specific places, when I've asked a question, I've found people to be very helpful and friendly, perhaps more so than if I were asking the question of random strangers in real life.
So, that was where I used to haunt. And it WAS mean spirited. Very. I still cannot quite bring myself to post there again, despite that I liked and miss a few of the regulars, and I know it's an active forum with occasionally interesting subjects I like to talk about.
But I did go, and, like a trainwreck, looked at what is afoot in there. I noticed in particular a thread that got brought back after a period of years. And the contrast between the vicious mean-spirited talk before, and the way people are talking NOW, is astonishing. A difference of about 2013 to 2017. I left in 2015.
Another thread started as very judgmental, but I kept paging and paging and by the end...it was actually not that bad.
I do think that there are some posters there that are just so bitter at their own failures and difficulties, or are just so incredibly judgmental of anything not exactly like their own standard issue relationship type, that sometimes it gets ugly and maybe it always will. But it's not remotely as bad as it used to be, from what I see.
So, that was where I used to haunt. And it WAS mean spirited. Very. I still cannot quite bring myself to post there again, despite that I liked and miss a few of the regulars, and I know it's an active forum with occasionally interesting subjects I like to talk about.
But I did go, and, like a trainwreck, looked at what is afoot in there. I noticed in particular a thread that got brought back after a period of years. And the contrast between the vicious mean-spirited talk before, and the way people are talking NOW, is astonishing. A difference of about 2013 to 2017. I left in 2015.
Another thread started as very judgmental, but I kept paging and paging and by the end...it was actually not that bad.
I do think that there are some posters there that are just so bitter at their own failures and difficulties, or are just so incredibly judgmental of anything not exactly like their own standard issue relationship type, that sometimes it gets ugly and maybe it always will. But it's not remotely as bad as it used to be, from what I see.
It's affirming to see I'm not alone in my perception, but it's encouraging that it may be improving.
It's affirming to see I'm not alone in my perception, but it's encouraging that it may be improving.
You are not alone at all!
But I recently had a thread get surprisingly defensive in a conversation over at Fashion & Beauty over the shape of eyeglasses frames, so what the heck do I know?? lol You can run into somebody who is spoiling for a fight practically anywhere around here if you hang around long enough I guess.
But the other side of that coin is, compared to another forum site I frequent...this one has a lot of activity.
So do you want to be bored because not a ton of posting is going on, or do you want a relatively safe environment from bad attitudes and obnoxious posters, but with little traffic? I'm not sure we can get both...
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, asked me about my feelings and didn't believe me 
, or gave me ye olde "just tell the person how you feel" 
. When they could have easily said: "I'm not authorized to give advice." Which I would have taken in stride (and probably refused to return afterwards). At the end of such sessions, I felt like an escaped loony bin patient, rather than someone who asked for advice and didn't get it. If that's not gaslighting, I don't know what is.
, for one reason or another. I guess "professional help" is way more effective when you're an older adult and had a chance to develop a BS detector, than at a young age. I hope you were able to get help from someone competent, rather than the clowns I had back when.
