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I had a friend, actually a "best" friend, that I had known since childhood. We were a year apart in age and became about inseparable when we were 14 and 15 years old. We had quite a lot in common. However, as I got older, I became keenly aware of how condescending she was. She was very judgmental and would make snide remarks sometimes during our conversations, kind of like a jab at me that she would try to disguise. She had this attitude that indicated that she thought she was better than anybody else. Everybody knows me as a very easy-going person, so I ignored it for many years, because we had a lot of good times as well. At one point, I temporarily discontinued our friendship when she said she was going to fly out to visit me and my family (we had lived in different states for a few years at that point), and then last minute when I asked what date to expect her, she said, "Oh, I decided to go on a cruise instead." This was pretty hurtful, as it seemed like if I hadn't inquired, she may have gone off on the cruise without informing me and left me to wonder why she wasn't showing up for the planned visit that month. A couple of years or so later, we just resumed the friendship as if nothing had ever happened. About 1 1/2 years ago is when I decided I'd had enough and ended it for good. She started harassing a mutual friend of ours who had gotten divorced and recently started dating, and then she claimed I had put her up to it. I found out when he became angry and unfriended me on Facebook. I stepped back and really evaluated the way I'd been treated overall during our adult years, and I realized that I actually no longer had any desire whatsoever to keep this friendship going. She texted me about a year after I'd cut off contact and said she had told the mutual friend that it had been her and not my idea to harass him, and when I texted back and thanked her for owning up to it (even though in my mind I was thinking I would not want to rekindle the friendship), she bristled and said, "This is NOT an apology if that's what you're thinking!" At that point, I just blocked her number in my cell phone so that I don't have to worry about getting any calls or texts from her again.
I have a slightly younger cousin whom I was always close to, having had long conversations with during adulthood. Then, a few years ago, without warning.... she dropped off. I initially tried writing one email and a leaving a voice message, explaining that I did not know what had occurred to give me the cold shoulder and would appreciate if we could talk. Nothing. I never tried contacting her again.
I have wracked my brain. I wondered if anything could have been misconstrued through another family member. I hate to think that she may believe something that was not the case, without my being able to set something straight. I am a very open, sensitive and considerate person, so I just don't know what I may have done. I recall a previous time when there had been a shorter break, telling her that I "wondered if she had been mad at me". She had replied laughingly, "Well, knowing me, don't you think I would just tell you??" So, I can't imagine what is so wrong that she would not actually TELL me. Over time, I have thought less about it, but it is hurtful.
A friend I met when working together and kept in touch with over the years by phone, would seemingly drop off, then get in touch again, asking ME why we stopped speaking. This occurred a few times and after having left her messages the last time with no response, I decided if she ever nonchalantly calls out of the blue again, I will let her know how I feel.
I lost contact with a friend after she moved long-distance, married someone who I felt was inappropriate and feeling as though we had less in common, grew apart. It was nothing she did, so I have felt I should have let her know that. I also have not kept up with those from High School for instance, because, unlike some, I don't feel that is enough if a bond, though still having my memories of our teen years.
In adult years, I got to know coworkers or neighbors that I remained friends with, but people can and do grow apart, as mentioned. In a couple of instances, I got in touch with one far away and are communicating and another locally ...not sure what happened there, but I think maybe we are both feeling "the other one had dropped the ball". It is just more difficult when there is a sudden break by someone close with no explanation, but if one chooses to do this, we have little control, and people do vary in their reasoning and such. It's just tough when being a sensitive person.
It can also be the case that the person who cut off communication has some serious issues.
I had ONE argument with a friend and she refused to every speak to me again.
I think that's a little severe.
Yeah...I had this happen to me. I have an acquaintance (we used to be best friends) who, several years ago, just seemingly dropped off the earth.
She was a widow, and I was a divorced mom, and she and I, and our kids, would do stuff together all the time. And then one time, she and I went to a concert together. I noticed that she was arguing with an usher at the event, and from listening to her, I could tell and see that she was being really unreasonable. I THOUGHT I was being gentle, when I said something to the effect of "I think you're making a bigger deal than it needs to be." and then she went after me.
It was awkward between us for the rest of the evening...and after THAT she was unreachable. Couldn't reach her on the phone, was never home when I'd go by her house. I'd leave little notes in her mail box, send cards once in awhile...but absolutely no response. After awhile, I stopped trying.
About 20 years later, we become reacquainted through facebook. I learn through facebook, that my friend's daughter was diagnosed with some form of childhood cancer way back when. (Back when she ghosted me.) We met for lunch one day and I mentioned to her that I wish I had known back then, so that I could've tried to be as good a friend to her, as she was to me, when I was going through a divorce. And I sincerely meant it. She was apparently carrying a heavy and scary load...and I just wish I could've been a friend to her as she went through all of that.
She apologized to me, and told me that she'd actually cut a lot of people out of her life at the time. I think she was just suffering so much...kind of like how a hurt dog might bite the person it loves out of pain.
I had a buddy of over 25 years stop communicating for a year or two. He lives in my town, I saw him in traffic but even if I called/texted sitting at the same light he wouldn't pick up.
Turns out he was going through a lot of family issues, nothing was going good for him and he was just stuck in a rut. Ran into him at a bar and we caught up for over an hour. We are the same age but two very different lifestyles, his being somewhat of a loner type.
Honestly I don't think much of it one way or the other. We all have lives, families, jobs, etc.
It can be hours or months when we take the time to contact each other and it is like there has been no time passed, we pick up where we left off overall.
If you've experienced having a friend (or close friend) stop communicating with you without notice, have you repeatedly emailed them or texted them to try to make contact? (or have you called them?)
What if it was a romantic partner who had later turned into a friend?
Or have you stopped pretty quickly with trying to contact them and just took the tact of assuming that because they do not wish to communicate with you that you'll honor that decision and you don't bother to contact them except in a small way very initially?
I'm going through this right now. It is not typically how I "do business" but it's working out well for me, so I'm sticking with it:
I have a friend who hurt me severely quite awhile ago. I rightly cut him off. Months later he apologized and wanted to work on being a better friend - he's not very good at it per him. For various reasons we started up again.
Things were good then so-so and on to bad (for me). He refuses to have a conversation about it. He wants all the benefits and none of the work. He is very self absorbed and not respectful of my one firm boundary.
Anyway, I've been quite ill for some months now. I almost died in March - everything was still about HIM and made zero effort even to see me, even though I was having a big birthday...and almost died. Then in April I got much closer to death and took me weeks to feel even half myself. I couldn't deal with his bull**** and need to be catered to constantly. I have nothing to give at present.
I texted that things were going downhill and I wasn't around. (I thought I would be having emergency surgery like that day and last time I didn't text him back quickly - that was ONE TIME in three years - he punished me for ONE MONTH. Jeez - I just cant deal with that while I'm "dying" (said for dramatic effect :P).
Anyway, after I started feeling physically better and dealing with my life issues at present, I realize how much better things are without him in it. It's been three months. At first - when I was still really ill - I was surprised he didn't check in on me. That's odd for him. Then for a few weeks I was sad he was dumping me (although I'm not sure he is) then I missed him a bit and wanted to reach out, but realized I'd be making a fool of myself - clearly he was done with me and he would merely be stating it. And now....I feel mostly relieved. I also feel used and pissed about that, I regret reengaging after he really crossed a line. But it isn't his fault I'm stupid and trusting. But still crying about that.
Anyway...from his pov: he probably thinks I'm mean and selfish for dropping out of sight and not catering to him. How dare I NOT think of him!
To answer the OP - since I have not heard from him and am enjoying that, I'm not checking with him to see how he is. I'm afraid if I do I will have to start the clock again in getting over the hurt he's cause me and I have caused myself.
Last edited by magpiehere; 07-07-2017 at 11:05 AM..
Ghosting (Except for Cases of Abuse) Is Disrespectful & Unethical
I have heard of this concept called "ghosting" and I think it's very unethical. If someone no longer fits your life because of changes, that is fine, but SAY SO. "Ghosting" them is extremely disrespectful, and I'd even make it against the law if there were the means to do so. I'm like that one poster who said they would have a tendency to contact them over and over until they finally up and said that they didn't want any further contact. I totally agree with that. Ignoring someone is rude and totally unacceptable. No, "take a hint" is not an acceptable rebuttal, I for one REFUSE to do hints I don't consider that "communication" and INSIST that you spell it out. Once done, that's fine, I wish you well.
Now if you have flat-out told someone that you and this person no longer are compatible as friends and they continue to nag you to death, then I can see at some point blocking numbers etc. In cases of abuse, sure, I can't see that they're owed a thing at all. But otherwise "ghosting" people and not saying anything to them, that's wrong, totally wrong and no excuse for it other than cases of abuse and/or stalking etc.
Anyone remember this clip from Seinfeld? He went out with someone and said he'd call her back but never did, they run into each other 3 years later and she blasts him? Right on. He deserved that. EVERYONE who "ghosts" someone deserves that. People who "ghost" are scoundrels.
Some times they are "dead to you". Some times they are just "dead."
Had a friend who just died without telling me. :-(
Well that was a bit of bad manners!
I am sorry for your loss. (forgive my humor, please)
I stopped communicating with a friend because I witnessed one too many lies coming from her mouth. Far to easy for her and I know she's lied to me. Pointless lies. I just don't need it.
I unfriended two long-time horse forum friends because they were shaming every political post I made. Like stalking me to dis my opinions. Buh-bye.
Or sometimes one cuts off a friend after a certain action or certain words/discussion take place. Not always without notice - but where both know the certain action or certain words/discussion caused the breech and rupture in the relationship.
Would be interested in stories where this happened.
Thanks for the stories above.....helpful and interesting.
Or sometimes one cuts off a friend after a certain action or certain words/discussion take place. Not always without notice - but where both know the certain action or certain words/discussion caused the breech and rupture in the relationship.
Would be interested in stories where this happened.
Thanks for the stories above.....helpful and interesting.
I can tell you one. A few years ago, I did not have medical insurance. I got a kidney stone and a whopping $40,000 bill. We were negotiating with the hospital to bring it down to the "insured" price, instead of being penalized for being uninsured.
A very wealthy friend, out of the blue, said, "Are you still going to rent your beach condo this winter?"
Nonplussed, I say, "Yes, why not." She says, "Don't you think it's IMMORAL to pay for your beach condo when you are trying to get out of paying your medical bills?"
WHAT??? I replied: "I am just trying to get the bill down to what YOU would pay, as an insured person."
A dear friend of several years---never spoke to her again. It happens.
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This occurred a few times and after having left her messages the last time with no response, I decided if she ever nonchalantly calls out of the blue again, I will let her know how I feel.
Ghosting (Except for Cases of Abuse) Is Disrespectful & Unethical
