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This kind of goes along with my other thread. Before I can start working towards any change in my life, I have to learn to accept my reality. I am a 32-year old single gay male and I have been experiencing crushing depression for the past five years. The depression is related to the following circumstances.
2009-10: I came out of the closet regarding my sexuality. After severe initial fallout with my job and fundamentalist family, I moved to North Carolina and lived with a guy I had known for five years prior. I wanted to live in a large, more gay friendly city. In the fall of 2009 and early 2010, with the exception of continual harassment from my parents about being gay, I actually enjoyed my life. It was the first time I was actually living for myself. This was somewhat of a "golden age" in my life. I look back on these years today almost as if they were too good to be true.
2010: I made the decision to go back into the closet regarding my sexual orientation. I did this for two reasons. First, not only would my parents not accept me being a gay man but their refusal to accept it was causing their lives to fall completely apart. I couldn't watch the lives of the people who raised me and who I still love fall apart because of my own actions. Secondly, I experienced a relapse into fundamentalist Christianity and felt guilty for being gay and wanted to give changing to straight another shot. This was tough to swallow at first, but if it meant saving my parents' lives, it was a sacrifice I was willing to make.
2012: My situation at work becomes toxic leading to health problems due to the stress. My parents start pressuring me to move back home to Oklahoma City. I left Oklahoma swearing to never return. Moving back to Oklahoma was somewhat of a last resort for me, but my work situation had become toxic to the point where I was starting to consider it. The recession was taking longer than usual to recover where I previously lived (Charlotte NC) and I was unable to find a job in my field. A friend offered to let me quit my job and stay with him, which would have allowed me to place all my energy into finding a better job AND stay in North Carolina. My parents however wanted me back in Oklahoma and began guilting me into it by saying that if I've really left the homosexual lifestyle behind, I would move back. In July 2012, I moved back to Oklahoma City.
2013-14: My parents take control of my life and begin treating me like I was a teenager. I am living in Oklahoma City, a place that is ultra conservative and has an overall culture that is toxic to the LGBT community as well as other non-fundamentalist Christian ideologies. The place itself is one of the most ugly, depressing, boring cities in the entire United States. I had and still have a very difficult time making friends in Oklahoma. I have always had trouble relating to people here. It was never a problem for me when I lived in North Carolina. My life since moving back to Oklahoma has virtually been my job and not much more. It really feels like the world is passing me by and I can only watch it through the Internet. At this point, I got in touch with a Christian therapist and started paying $60/week for gay-to-straight therapy. I descend into deep, crushing depression from which I have yet to recover. At that point, I already hated my life, was kicking myself for having left North Carolina, and was planning to leave Oklahoma in 2016. I would have been able to if it wasn't for what happened next.
Early 2014: I purchased a car I couldn't really afford nor did I even want or need. I was basically bullied by the car salesman into taking it. This purchase caused me to have to live paycheck-to-paycheck. I had to cut back much of my spending on things I didn't need, like cable TV for instance, just to afford my car. This car purchase delayed my move to 2020 (it previously would have been 2016), extending my misery for four more years. Even if I didn't want to move, this car payment prevents me from being able to afford therapy or classes to further my education. It has me financially handicapped. I've looked into all options for getting rid of it and my ONLY options are either allowing it to be repossessed or waiting it out and paying it off. Each has its advantages and disadvantages. I give it back to the bank and I can move on with my life tomorrow, but I will have bad credit for seven years and that could affect my future in terms of finding employment or housing. I continue to pay it off and I end up with a reliable car that I own, but I have to sacrifice a few more prime years of my life to get there. As stated in the other thread, I am not old and my best years are definitely not behind me, but the prospect of three more years like the last five seems like torture.
I have discovered that one of my root issues here is I am having trouble accepting this as my reality. This is not what I wanted my life to look like. The fact that this is my life means, to me, that I am a failure. I should not be a lonely, depressed early 30-something wasting away his life living in Oklahoma City, financially crippled because he was bullied into purchasing a car he couldn't afford and didn't want. I should not have been willing to live in the closet and even do ex-gay conversion therapy for my parents' sake when I was already in my twenties. By that age, I should have been living my own life and I should have taken it by the reigns. Yet, I handed it over to my parents. My parents should not have the sway over my life that they do today. I should have more friends than I do (I barely have any). Bottom line is this should NOT be my life. It can't be. Yet it is, and no amount of wishing, regretting, dwelling on the past, or nostalgia for the better days gone by is going to change this reality. I have to accept it, yet I can't. The thing is, there will be no recovery in my life until I can accept this reality. Every day though, I wake up wishing that things had turned out differently. I wake up unable to believe that things turned out the way they did. I wake up looking back at the past through rose colored classes while the here and now passes me by. I am tired of wasting my life, but I don't know how to stop.
Even putting it into perspective and seeing that things really aren't all that bad from an objective standpoint. I still have my health and I have a job. Oklahoma City may not be an optimal place to live by the standards of US cities but its better than a small town and a far better place than many third world countries that some people are trapped in and have no way out (like Uganda or North Korea). Some of my distaste for it has to be in my own head and not totally rational (at least that is what I keep telling myself). That's not to say Oklahoma City is a nice place to live or the ideal place for me to settle down but I think I might make it out to be a bit worse than it actually is, largely due to what me having moved back here represents. It represents failure and that's a fact I have to face. Objectively, my life really isn't that bad. Yet, I always snap back into this mindset of anger, regret, and denial about my situation. There can be no moving forward until I can accept it.
Can anybody else relate? If you have made it this far, thanks much for reading this.
Last edited by bawac34618; 08-02-2017 at 11:36 PM..
Lets get straight to the point, if you want to leave homosexuality I am certain it can be done.
If there is ANY exchange of money it will never work.
Shame on the charlatan christian who took your money.
I am quite certain they (christians) have zero understanding of what they are trying to deal with.
So its no surprise they don't know the way out.
It will require complete and utter abandonment of your self to whatever concept of God you hold.
Mere prayin ain't gonna do shyte.
I am who I am. Say that out loud as often as necessary. Let it sink in. I hated being homosexual until I met someone who would become my partner and later my spouse. It was then that I realized that I was closer to him than anyone else, and if anyone else didn't like it, too bad. He was the most important of all to me. To my surprise, almost everyone we know were supportive. The few that weren't are no longer friends (their choice), or if relatives they remain distant but still friendly.
The primary thing I'm hearing in all of this, is that it's everyone else's fault that you are where you are in life.
The car salesman bullied you. Come on, unless he was physically strong arming you, you could've walked away at any point. Were you pressured? Yeah...that's more likely. That's what salesmen are trained to do. One MIGHT wonder if you subconsciously MEANT to sabotage your dreams...but that's something to think about another day.
Why not sell your car, and then buy a cheaper used car? Sure...you're not going to get full price for it...but surely you would get enough to get a used but reliable car.
Regarding your parents...could you please explain how you being gay affected THEIR health? That's quite the manipulative little maneuver on their part, isn't it?
Well anyway. YOU are in charge of your destiny here. Sometimes thinking about that can really make you feel the pressure...sometimes people refuse to take that to heart. They blame everyone else for how things turn out.
Other people, once they really get it, find it liberating. YOU get to make the decisions in your life. You made the mistakes. You make the good stuff happen too. You're in charge.
The primary thing I'm hearing in all of this, is that it's everyone else's fault that you are where you are in life.
It is somewhat, but overall it's my own fault for not taking responsibility for my life and allowing other people to have the kind of sway over my life that led to the decisions that got me here. That's a hard pill to swallow but it's one I must accept.
I do feel that if I am this much of a screwup I don't have what it takes to make it in life. Blaming others allows me hope that one day, there still might be better days. I still might be able to get control over my life and take it back in a positive direction. There isn't much hope these days though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy
The car salesman bullied you. Come on, unless he was physically strong arming you, you could've walked away at any point. Were you pressured? Yeah...that's more likely. That's what salesmen are trained to do. One MIGHT wonder if you subconsciously MEANT to sabotage your dreams...but that's something to think about another day.
They had the keys to my old car and wouldn't give them back. I tried to walk away from the deal twice. The salesperson wouldn't give the keys back and instead, brought out his manager who pressured me harder into taking the car. Yes, it's my fault for not being more pushy with them and it's my fault for having signed the dotted line.
In terms of whether or not I intentionally sabotaged my life, I have never thought about it from that angle before but there might be something to that. Before I moved back to Oklahoma, I was under an extreme amount of pressure and guilt for having dabbled in homosexuality. I literally felt like I was worthy of death and that God would never forgive me for having committed that sin. If I sabotaged my life, it was when I was still in North Carolina and decided to move back to Oklahoma. The car purchase was the final phase of it i.e. basically flinging away the key to my own prison cell door.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy
Why not sell your car, and then buy a cheaper used car? Sure...you're not going to get full price for it...but surely you would get enough to get a used but reliable car.
I owe over $14,000 still on the car and it's only worth $7,000 at this point. I live paycheck to paycheck and don't have enough to cover the difference. I've looked into this a few times. My only way out is to either surrender it to the bank or wait it out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy
Regarding your parents...could you please explain how you being gay affected THEIR health? That's quite the manipulative little maneuver on their part, isn't it?
My parents are ultra-fundamentalist and are homophobic to Westboro levels. I don't really want to go into this aspect of the story in detail since I have in many other threads, but the last time I visited them before moving to North Carolina, my dad told me there would be more mercy for Hitler on judgment day than for me. He chased me away crying screaming at me that God was laughing at my tears. My mom later told my that my dad had become suicidal and my mom actually told me she was praying that God would take her life so that the pain of me losing her would propel me to go to gay-to-straight therapy. Messed up stuff.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy
Well anyway. YOU are in charge of your destiny here. Sometimes thinking about that can really make you feel the pressure...sometimes people refuse to take that to heart. They blame everyone else for how things turn out.
Other people, once they really get it, find it liberating. YOU get to make the decisions in your life. You made the mistakes. You make the good stuff happen too. You're in charge.
I do realize this. I've matured a lot in my ways of thinking over the past couple of years. However, I am still living in the trap that I created for myself and am stuck here for at least three more years. I have to accept that and make the best of it.
Reality is a lot easier to accept if you don't judge it and if you don't argue with it. Saying that you're a failure, and that you "should not be......." is judging and arguing. There are facts, such as your sexuality and the challenges you face personally and with loved ones as a result. The #s you quoted regarding your car are facts. You get to decide what those facts and others mean. There is no "fact" that you're a failure. That's a judgement you've passed on your experience. There is no "should", except the one you place in the formula.
Suggesting that things "should" be otherwise is like saying is should be dry rain on the day of your picnic. If it rains, it's much more effective to move your things indoors, or to enjoy the rain. It's a "light a candle or curse the darkness" kind of thing.
They had the keys to my old car and wouldn't give them back. I tried to walk away from the deal twice. The salesperson wouldn't give the keys back and instead, brought out his manager who pressured me harder into taking the car. Yes, it's my fault for not being more pushy with them and it's my fault for having signed the dotted line.
You were not trapped. You say, "I'm going to call the police if you don't give me my keys back." Then do it, if necessary (it won't be). And WTH were you doing in a car dealership when you KNOW you couldn't financially afford to buy a new car. Seriously, you did this to yourself.
I'm not trying to be cruel, but I feel like most of your decisions were screwing only yourself, and not really helping anybody, including your parents. BTW - they are grown ups who are responsibility for their lives. You have no responsibility for them. They are not your children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bawac34618
I owe over $14,000 still on the car and it's only worth $7,000 at this point. I live paycheck to paycheck and don't have enough to cover the difference. I've looked into this a few times. My only way out is to either surrender it to the bank or wait it out.
I disagree.
1. Get a second job and pay it off more quickly.
2. Sell it on craigslist (you'll get more than from a dealer), use that money to get a beater and pay down the loan as much as possible, get a personal loan from a credit union (assuming your credit is still good and you have a job) to pay off the rest. Get a second job to pay off the personal loan.
3. After #1 or #2 - Stop feeling sorry for yourself, maybe get some therapy which may involve anti-depressant, and DO SOMETHING about your life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bawac34618
My parents are ultra-fundamentalist and are homophobic to Westboro levels. I don't really want to go into this aspect of the story in detail since I have in many other threads, but the last time I visited them before moving to North Carolina, my dad told me there would be more mercy for Hitler on judgment day than for me. He chased me away crying screaming at me that God was laughing at my tears. My mom later told my that my dad had become suicidal and my mom actually told me she was praying that God would take her life so that the pain of me losing her would propel me to go to gay-to-straight therapy. Messed up stuff.
This sounds cruel of me, I know, but they sound like Fascist loons. Unless you are into self-destruction, cut them out of your life. (self-destruction is what I suspect is going on, hence #3 above) As I said, they ARE adults. What they decide to do is totally their decision (and I say that with a mother who committed suicide.)
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