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If I am understanding several of your comments correctly, it seems to me that you have generalized his one outburst of "It's the only time I feel loved" to projecting on him that he wants (always) to be treated as a child.
Actually, it's the other way around. That was his justification for his child-like behavior and for trying to force me into a role I reject by hinting that if I don't go along with this mode of interaction, I don't love him.
So I'm going to ignore the rest of what you wrote, as it is significantly off-base and unhelpful.
I think it's a big leap to think that counseling has not been tried. Why would anyone assume that counseling has not been tried?
from 5/19/2017:
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat
We are seeing a counselor, because H thinks this marriage can be saved. I do not share his optimism.
post from 6/11/2018:
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat
I see i haven't updated this thread at all this year.
I predicted at the beginning of this thread that DH would refuse to go to counseling with me. I was wrong. He initiated it and picked the counselor. The sessions were disastrous (the counselor was awful) and just pushed us farther apart.
Long story short, I left. Lived for a while in Sedona, which was glorious, than went on to Phoenix. I was away for two months. It was incredible, liberating, intoxicating to be free of restraints.
I was just about to file for divorce when DH asked if he could spend Christmas with me. We spent two weeks together in Phoenix, DH saying he had changed his mind about moving to AZ and trying to prove it to me. Then we went back to California, separately.
A couple of weeks into the new year DH said he wanted to go back to Scottsdale to buy a house. He had come around to the idea and he was getting tired of working. So we went. We made an offer on a great place but unfortunately were outbid. We were crushed.
Life intervened in the form of health challenges so it was late May before we returned to try again. Found a magnificent place, seemed perfect, we made an offer and it was accepted. Then the deed restrictions arrived from the title company and it became apparent that our agent had lied to us about several key features in order to get us to make the offer. Another defeat.
It seems nothing comes easily or quickly. We may have to have a home built to our specifications. Or live farther out from town than we thought.
Last edited by matisse12; 09-17-2018 at 05:14 PM..
Rather than insisting he go in for counseling first, I think you should concentrate on yourself first. You are very angry. Ideally you should both go in for couples counseling, also, but you need to talk to a counselor every bit as much as he does.
She already is and posted in this very thread:
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat
Like my therapist says, it’s a process.
Quote:
As to cutlery, glassware, etc., I think most of us have a preference. My husband eats most things with a larger spoon than I do. When setting the table, I put out his favorites for him and he puts out my favorites for me. Our biggest difference is that he does not drink liquids with his meals, unless it is wine, whereas I always want at least a glass of water nearby.
Same with me, I use a small spoon. But if my SO forgets and hands me a big one, I don't say or even think that he doesn't care for me.
Treat him like a child. Ignore his tantrums. Tell him he's on a timeout until he behaves. Take away his toys when he's bad. If he won't eat until you fix his food let him starve. At some point he will either change or starve to death.
Harsh? Perhaps. But if he refuses to seek help then it's up to the OP to work on the problem. Time to grow up, little boy.
Actually, it's the other way around. That was his justification for his child-like behavior and for trying to force me into a role I reject by hinting that if I don't go along with this mode of interaction, I don't love him.
So I'm going to ignore the rest of what you wrote, as it is significantly off-base and unhelpful.
Well, alrighty then...LOL. How very mature of you.
You wrote (post #6 in this thread): He is fully aware that he's doing it and he wants more. When I (meaning you, fluffythewondercat) said, "You're acting like a child" he made the "It's the only time I feel loved" comment.
For a person to admit "It's the only time I feel loved" is a very vulnerable thing to say.
It is an "I" statement, not a "You did this or you said that or you make me feel...."
I still think you are just very angry and the way that you responded to my post and to some others that have expressed anything other than full support of your side of the story confirms it.
maybe looking at some child psychology literature would help, if he takes himself literally to be a child? even mothers need to teach children autonomy to grow up self-confident and emotionally healthy.
That's the answer! Raise him to adulthood 2.0 and he'll be tolerable again.
Why do you think a man would marry? He marries pretty much for the same reason a woman does - for the companionship and interaction.
According to Freud, we seek a similar type as our mother or father, respectively. Its not unusual for a man to want to feel nurtured, or a woman to want to feel safe, as examples.
Its one thing if you are doting over him constantly, and he adds seemingly knit-picky and annoying chores to the heap. Its another thing if he has to constantly request and instruct comforting interaction with you.
In the end, if people love each other, they should want to make each other happy and feel cared about and loved. In many cultures, a woman is judged by the condition (physical and mental) of her husband, and vice versa.
If a man simply wants companionship, he could simply get a golden retriever and forgo marriage altogether. Is it just me, or does it sound rather manipulative to want a divorce unless he gets a house in AZ?
Exactly. This thread isn't about doing something nice for your spouse in a reciprocal, healthy relationship.
The husband here is not being a contributing partner; he wants to be a dependent, and he's being manipulative about it, which is cruel. It's not right at all.
He's the breadwinner, and everything described in the OP is very common in traditional marriages. I can't imagine my father going and getting his own piece of pie. He won't get his own glass of water. I learned at a young age to revolve the serving of a meal around him and pick up his plate the moment he was finished. To anticipate that moment.
Now, I did not desire a marriage like that for myself, but it is what they both chose. A wife is supposed to anticipate the needs of her husband's. Most of us feel that is old fashioned, but not everyone. In turn, he supports her financially.
She and he both were raised this way. She is a Christian and her brand of Christianity taught that a woman's role is that of a mother and a homemaker. Many churches still teach this.
His mother died in 2016, on my birthday. I miss her terribly. I'm sure he does, too. It seems an obvious connection but somehow doesn't feel quite right.
Did his mother continue to 'mother' him up until she died? If so, I could see how the absence of that has left a void.
And because YOU liked her and missed her too, it maybe made him feel safer to expect you to follow in her footsteps? I'm just...throwing that out there. A...maybe?
Did his mother continue to 'mother' him up until she died? If so, I could see how the absence of that has left a void.
For a few years after we got together, she was still sending him home with banana boxes full of food and toiletries that she got as a volunteer at the local food bank. I was relieved when she stopped. We still have least a hundred bars of soap left over from those days. Anybody know another use for bar soap?
Anyway, the child behavior has ceased for now. I believe we both recognized there was some unresolved grief underlying our recent troubles, after another commenter suggested it. Sometimes it's enough to know why things happen.
One thing his family does is cremation followed by scattering of the ashes (or as I insisted on calling it, "releasing the butterflies"). While economical, it concerns me that it leaves no locus for grief. I think I'm going to have to specify a traditional funeral for myself with gravesite and headstone, so there will be a physical location designated for grieving.
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Anybody know another use for bar soap? 
