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I think it depends what you expect from life. Enough exploration of psychology always leads to forgiveness. You realize then how your bullies are victims themselves.
This is another myth. Bullies aren't always victims and they don't necessarily bully because they've been hurt. Some bullies are just psychopaths and they victimize others because they don't feel much (or any) empathy for others.
Victims do not owe their bullies anything at all and not everyone feels better because they forgive. And some people do just fine without forgiving anyone.
thank you. I for one despise the pleas or pressures to forgive an abuser or a bully, it disempowered me and marginalized the suffering I was going through, anger being a healthy stage I was pressured not to have. I made a choice not to forgive and it was the most freeing and healthy thing for me to do. Forgiveness is but one of many options but forgiveness is not a requirement to heal. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/why...herapy-0120164
As for bullies being victims, thank you for addressing this also. those claiming victims become abusers themselves is a destructive myth. Yes, some do, but it's not a defacto result of being abused.
Yes I can relate in that due to constant trauma as a child I am hard wired to expect and cope with rejection and abuse. This will never change , However I know this and have learned to recognize triggers and not project and misread others, to take my time to process and not react.
What you are doing is feeding into a self fulfilling phrophecy , the universe is not punishing you, you are. People don’t hate you because you were bullied,they are reacting to you. Seeing a trauma therapist ,one understands pstd or complex pstd might be prudent.
In the early part of this video the speaker shares how a child’s mind becomes wired by the repetitive trauma of abuse. https://youtu.be/otxAuHG9hKo
I'm almost 3/4 of the way through watching this video, and just wanted to say thank you for sharing. It's a fascinating description of complex trauma (a term I wasn't familiar with until now) and found so much of what the orator described in my own childhood experiences, including the escapism factor (finding that 'safe place' in one's mind to go to in order to escape the abuse). Found myself continually nodding at her descriptions of various traits and internalized thought processes that she talked about; I understood it all, through experience, right down to finding a mental safe place in order to escape (mine was a corner of my bedroom closet, near the ceiling).
Interestingly, I was in complete denial that I'd suffered trauma from a bad childhood until well into my 30s, despite having survived sexual and severe verbal abuse, starting at a very early age, from my father; my mother (the only person who I probably felt safe around) dying when I was 10; chronic shyness and chronic illness that made me feel isolated from peers; inability - as a result of the chronic trauma - to make friends or even talk to peers; and then on into my adulthood, with a couple of men attempting inappropriate advances (including my father-in-law and a friend of my father's, who tried this once he found out who my father was) and with my husband having repeated affairs - before and during my pregnancy - until we finally divorced. Oh, and toss into the mix various little episodes, such as my development of poor eyesight in grade 4 (and too afraid to say anything to my teacher, who wound up standing me in front of the class after I once again had copied the homework assignment incorrectly, since I couldn't see it, and the teacher telling my peers 'don't any of you ever become like HER'), and it all became a bottomless cauldron pot of psychological horrors.
As a result of all of this, I have struggled with many of the issues presented...inability to interact well in social situations, the development of mild social anxiety (and various other mild anxieties), inability to become close to very many people (holding them at a distance, which translates to 'self-protection'), containing emotions to the point of not being able to express them in many cases, and most importantly, the constant default thinking of 'you're not good enough', 'you're defective', 'you're to blame', 'no one would ever want you' (this last one was told to me repeatedly) type of victim thinking that erupts every time a negative situation arises. I don't even have very many memories of my childhood, aside from snippets of the bad stuff...memories of my mother have all but disappeared, other than the two or three brief playbacks. (My sister, who is 4 years younger than me and was 6 when our mother died, remembers far more of our childhood with her than I do.)
Anyway, thank you again for sharing. I have to go back and finish watching the rest, but so far it's been a wonderful video to see, at the very least for showing that many, many people suffer similar traumas, but especially to show that not only can there be hope, but it's a valuable reminder that people who suffer horrific traumas, esp. when young, are not to blame, and that there are those who understand and who can offer help and hope.
No I'm sorry I can't relate. I was never bullied because I was raised by two abusive alcoholics and I had to learn how to fight back at a young age. My mother would hit me for no reason because my father would beat her and crap rolls down hill. I got old enough to hit back and I let her have with "I'll kill you if you touch me again." The abuse stopped, and it taught me to never take crap from anyone.
By coming off as mean you are treating innocent people like crap. I understand your need to protect yourself, but, why treat people who don't deserve to be treated that way like enemies? Are you more afraid of the emotional pain than is warranted? It seems to me that you're paralyzed by the potential pain(?)
If this is the case than you need a new coping mechanism. Confidence. How do you develop it? Give in to the risk of being hurt. Start by giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Yes you will get hurt from time to time. So what! Pick up the pieces and move on. Emotional pain becomes less of an issue as you toughen up.
I feel bad for you because you're missing out on so many good relationships by being so defensive. Hugs.
I’m glad it’s helped bassetluv I think we can help ourselves much more effectively when we can recognize what the consequences and legacy of abuse has on child development and can name it and explore steps to address triggers and responses. It Also helps people ask the right questions if they are searching for and interviewing therapists. So often people seek therapy and counseling but don’t interview them and see if they have training and specialize in ptsd or grief etc. consequently patients leave therapy utterly frustrated and believing therapy doesn’t work. That’s not to say therapy is the only way to recover from trauma, just that if one chooses that option it is better to research their training and speciality.
All the best to you and anyone else dealing with trauma.
No I'm sorry I can't relate. I was never bullied because I was raised by two abusive alcoholics and I had to learn how to fight back at a young age. My mother would hit me for no reason because my father would beat her and crap rolls down hill. I got old enough to hit back and I let her have with "I'll kill you if you touch me again." The abuse stopped, and it taught me to never take crap from anyone. .
You are just lucky you weren't bullied. You still could have been bullied, given the right set of circumstances. Many victims of bullies grow up in abusive or alcoholic homes just like the one you describe. Your comment also seems to imply that you believe all bullying is physical in nature. Not all bullying is about hitting or punching. Some of it's non-physical.
Last edited by PriscillaVanilla; 03-04-2019 at 11:50 AM..
thank you. I for one despise the pleas or pressures to forgive an abuser or a bully, it disempowered me and marginalized the suffering I was going through, anger being a healthy stage I was pressured not to have. I made a choice not to forgive and it was the most freeing and healthy thing for me to do. Forgiveness is but one of many options but forgiveness is not a requirement to heal. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/why...herapy-0120164
.
Thanks. I feel the same way. It's okay to not forgive someone. I think more people should ask why don't bullies apologize to their former victims. Instead, they just pressure and preach victims to forgive.
Thanks. I feel the same way. It's okay to not forgive someone. I think more people should ask why don't bullies apologize to their former victims. Instead, they just pressure and preach victims to forgive.
I think true freedom is not necessarily forgiveness but just realizing that your bullies don't signify in any way. I've got my 25th reunion coming up and I"m going because a lot of my classmates were amazingly tolerant of my crazy levels of awkwardness. My bullies will also be there. I don't care. I'm a 42-year-old woman with a great career and my own home, and a ton of people that I love and who love me back. The bullies stopped signifying a long time ago.
I was thinking about that as well. I don't know where is the difference. Maybe being bullied by a single group of people, while having the supporting ones makes it different? I didn't have anyone to support me, really. My parents didn't care and were criticising me for other things. I learned how to close myself in my inner world where I'm safe. That's how I live to this day, but at the same time I never accepted being perceived as such person, so I'm still trying.
I never chose to be like this. Yet, the universe punishes me for that. I spent lots of time and money on finding solutions to improve this. I improved lots of areas by that, but I still don't seem to get along with people. And most people just judge me as unfriendly or cocky. It really feels unfair that most people have for free what I can't have even by trying hard. I'm slowly growing up to conclusion that social life is just not for me. I imagine other people living without arms or with some serious disease. Maybe that's just my "disease" that I need to accept. I will never find peace if I never stop trying to fix this without success.
Have you considered that you are not the way you are BECAUSE you were bullied, but that you were bullied because that's the way you ARE?
Kids turn on 'difference' like frogs eat flies.. cruel but common.
Adults are more socialized and react usually by avoidance.
Only you can decide when enough trying to fit in, is enough.
The choice between having inner peace vs the constant pursuit - and failure - for social acceptance is one only you can make.
Have you considered that you are not the way you are BECAUSE you were bullied, but that you were bullied because that's the way you ARE?
I did, but I don't think that's the case. I was different since kindergarten, but I was never bullied back then. People liked me there, my classmates liked me in there primary school as well. The first bullying I experienced was just random older kids pointing out my appearance, pushing me, touching and calling names. And that was on daily basis in school and bus. I don't think every "different" person gets bullied straight away. That issue with my appearance made me very insecure back then, so I became anxious and frozen. I believe that is what caused even more bullying afterwards, because I wasn't able to fight back. Keep in mind that I wasn't bullied by single people. It was always groups and these group were kids much older and bigger than me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by animalcrazy
By coming off as mean you are treating innocent people like crap. I understand your need to protect yourself, but, why treat people who don't deserve to be treated that way like enemies? Are you more afraid of the emotional pain than is warranted? It seems to me that you're paralyzed by the potential pain(?)
If this is the case than you need a new coping mechanism. Confidence. How do you develop it? Give in to the risk of being hurt. Start by giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Yes you will get hurt from time to time. So what! Pick up the pieces and move on. Emotional pain becomes less of an issue as you toughen up.
No offense, but you have no idea what you are talking about. It's like telling to the anorexic person: "Hey, just eat! You will feel bad for a while, but then it gets better. So what?". You think I didn't try to do that? I said before that what I do is counter-phobic behavior. I do it all the time. But you can't change your physiological reactions just by "wanting" to do something. Also, this "why treat people who don't deserve to be treated that way like enemies?" - fixing an emotional problem by rationalizing that the outcome is wrong? Not gonna work, sorry. Also, assuming I didn't think of that, or trying me to feel sorry for people I'm mean to - what's the point? What I am depends on how I feel, sometimes I'm completely frozen and unable to even look at the person. Other times I can talk to person almost normally and smile to him/her. When you are frozen, what you want doesn't matter.
There is a problem with psychological advices that I call "semantic correctness". Some advices seem to make a deep sense, but still they do not have any way to work. Our emotional systems are not logical. This is something that is done by some psychologists as well. They will just tell you what makes sense and think they will project their emotional state that way on you. It never did and never will work like that, unless the emotional pattern is weak. Luckily, these kinds of advices are not as common as they used to be.
Last edited by imfine; 03-04-2019 at 02:36 PM..
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I think we can help ourselves much more effectively when we can recognize what the consequences and legacy of abuse has on child development and can name it and explore steps to address triggers and responses. It Also helps people ask the right questions if they are searching for and interviewing therapists. So often people seek therapy and counseling but don’t interview them and see if they have training and specialize in ptsd or grief etc. consequently patients leave therapy utterly frustrated and believing therapy doesn’t work. That’s not to say therapy is the only way to recover from trauma, just that if one chooses that option it is better to research their training and speciality. 
