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The first thing to do is establish a couple meaningful friendships - if you acquire two or three friends who like you for who you are, perceived "rejection" from other people won't seem as important. Same thing goes for romantic relationships.
I would love that! I used to have someone who I thought was my friend, but it turned out I am not a real friend for him. I asked, seriously. It's a pity, because we knew each other for more than 10 years and have travelled a lot together, we share many hobbies etc. I find it very difficult to find friends. That's, again, because of my counter-phobic attitude. Most people are either non-phobic, so they are not understanding that I need to process things slowly, or phobic and therefore avoiding. Former ones make me anxious, latter ones make me bored and negative. But I'm pretty sure that if I found a friend who would really understand me (and vice-versa), it would be amazing.
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Originally Posted by 80skeys
Second thing is to establish hobbies for yourself if you don't already have them. Hobbies take the mind off things, give you a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.
I totally agree and I luckily have lots of hobbies. I always have something to do if I'm not busy and have nobody to talk to. I'm pretty sure otherwise I would be crazy or dead at this point.
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Originally Posted by 80skeys
Third thing is to realize that you're living in the U.S., not exactly the most social-friendly country in the world.
What made you think that? I will take it as a compliment - I thought my grammar made it clear that English is not my first language. Well, I could still live in the US, but no. I live in Europe. Not the friendliest part of Europe either, but it's fine.
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Originally Posted by 80skeys
Fourth thing is: do you really want all those people to like you? I mean, do you honestly really like them?
That's something I think about quite often. And you are right - I don't. But I'm seeking approval at this moment, so I'm everyone's slave.
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Originally Posted by 80skeys
Fifthly, sometimes you gotta just cherish and relish your own uniqueness, your own outsider-ness.
I think that comes later, when things are sorted out. But I do agree again - that's the goal and healthy attitude. Being unique is great, once you are not as lonely and uncertain as I am.
imfine, you seem to think everyone around you is "normal" and you are a broken outcast. The truth is a lot of people who look very well adjusted and smooth socially are just as broken, but they are masters of hiding behind a mask and it's all an act.
Might want to keep that in mind.
Maybe, but I don’t think people who look socially smooth on the outside feel as much tension as I do. I am unable to even physiologically fake it. They may be broken another way, but I won’t believe they feel as much social stress as I do.
imfine, you seem to think everyone around you is "normal" and you are a broken outcast. The truth is a lot of people who look very well adjusted and smooth socially are just as broken, but they are masters of hiding behind a mask and it's all an act.
Might want to keep that in mind.
I agree with this. Lots of people seem normal or even go out of their way to act self assured, but they have issues they don't reveal.
Maybe, but I don’t think people who look socially smooth on the outside feel as much tension as I do. I am unable to even physiologically fake it. They may be broken another way, but I won’t believe they feel as much social stress as I do.
I agree with what duke944 said. Many people are quite good at hiding their infinite amount of inner turmoil, but if you watch them, you will see the signs emerge in one way or another.
For instance: Many years ago I worked at a building supply store. The guy who took over in the manager's position (Ed) had started there as a salesman, but within months rose in rank very quickly. Once he took on the managerial role, he ruled with an iron fist. His routine, once he was in power, was to constantly bully the staff, threatening them with all sorts of retaliation; he'd watch each person to learn their weakness, and then would pounce.
For myself, he knew that I was a struggling single mom who was being given grief at my son's daycare - the daycare was threatening to take my son to social services and file me as 'abandoning her child' if I was even as little as 2 minutes late picking him up (lol...irksome side note: if my bus arrived late, I was often up to 5 minutes late...yet whenever they opened 5 minutes late in the morning [and I missed my bus as a result] because the staff member was making her coffee, that didn't seem to matter)...and so Ed quickly zoned in on this 'vulnerability'. He began taking me aside and telling me that he could change my work schedule at any time he desired...he could make me come in on Sundays, or tell me that I had to work late whenever he wanted...and if I didn't comply he would fire me. He was bullying me, as well as many other employees, all because - and it took me a while to recognize this - he was incredibly insecure in his own self. The more power and threats he wielded upon others, the better he made himself feel. And the day that the company's head office called him to say that they were holding a meeting to decide whether to fire him or keep him on (under close watch) he held a quick meeting with all of his supervisors - of which I was one - in his office. He simply looked at all of us and said, 'If they call to say I'm fired, I'm taking every one of you down with me...I will fire all of you before I leave'. This man was gregarious. He was always trying to make friends and look in control. But at the same time his insecurities called him out, and he became quite well-known as a tyrant.
This is just one example of a person with deep-seated problems, who may at times seem confident and superior, able to be in a position of power (at least until caught), but within was struggling deeply. I've met many persons over the years who at first appeared to exude self-confidence, poise, and even good character, but once their true character emerged, they revealed themselves as weak. Even those who seem self-composed, reassuring, able to talk to audiences and get acclaim...watch their mannerisms. While a lot of people truly are confident and genuine, there are a great many who pretend to be...but are struggling with their self-worth, and are covering it up with tactics.
Last edited by bassetluv; 03-05-2019 at 09:57 AM..
Maybe, but I don’t think people who look socially smooth on the outside feel as much tension as I do. I am unable to even physiologically fake it. They may be broken another way, but I won’t believe they feel as much social stress as I do.
Just for an example, Ted Bundy was a real smoothie. This is an extreme example, but don't put too much admiration on those who can easily fake it - many might just be way more screwed up than you.
Best thing I can suggest is to relax and just be yourself, the worse thing you can do is fake it badly. Understand that people are way more focused on their own presentation to the world than the way you come off. You have nothing to lose, right? it's not like making a decision to just be yourself could break relationships, because you haven't any to break.
Another semantically correct advice that has no way to work. Comparison with Bundy doesn’t make any sense here. We are talking about being frozen and anxious, not about being „broken” in any way. I’m not sure what’s your point. Of course some people fake their behavior, but what does it have to do with me? Some degree of fear cannot be hidden, that’s a reptile instinct after all.
I agree with this. Lots of people seem normal or even go out of their way to act self assured, but they have issues they don't reveal.
Please allow me to reiterate that PTSD is a brain disorder. Of course everyone has issues, but those who are better at hiding their insecurities and afflictions have the mental capability to do so. Many people that have suffered years of bullying and abuse are simply wired differently.
You're only as vulnerable as you let yourself be. This goes waaay back to junior school, I was 14 or so. Coming to class there was this guy a little bugger than me that would wait for me in the hall by the door to the class, he also had his little minion with him that needed a buddy to look up to. Just about every day push me around and into the lockers laugh, pull on my shirt. I'd eventually get away. I grew tired of this after a week or so. I didnt really want to fight in school, that never ends well.
I mentioned this to my parents. My dad said, never start fights. If you have to defend yourself and get called to the office, you sit there, and CALL ME. Sure enough, the next day, same thing he and his little buddy waiting for me. As he approached me, he smiles as he looked over to his buddy. I hit him right square in the chest as hard as I could, all my weight behind it. He went down out of breath holding his chest. His little buddy backed up and looked stunned, and did nothing. From then on coming to class, I'd give him a look. All he did was look at me as I walked by.
Another myth. The power of free will and statements like that are old fashioned concepts that are really false or sometimes just partially true. What does it mean to let yourself do something? If you don’t know any better, you do what you know and that has nothing to do with letting yourself. Why most people don’t allow themselves to be millionaires? Most of us want to be millionaires.
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I will take it as a compliment - I thought my grammar made it clear that English is not my first language. Well, I could still live in the US, but no. I live in Europe. Not the friendliest part of Europe either, but it's fine.
