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this guy im talking to has commitment issues. We have very strong sexual and mental connection, but he puts up walls once we get closer to the emotional side? Why is that? What questions can i ask to understand him?
There is no need to understand why he has commitment issues, you can’t fix it...and when he meets a girl who knocks his socks off, he’ll magically be not so non-commital anymore (hint- she won’t put up with his BS and he’ll fall in love with that). Been there with the birds with the broken wings, got way too many t-shirts. You think you’ll show him what a good woman’s love is like, you think you will win him over through love and trust and endless understanding. In reality he’ll lose respect for you as you let yourself be used by him and he will never fall in love with you. Trust me.
There is no need to understand why he has commitment issues, you can’t fix it...and when he meets a girl who knocks his socks off, he’ll magically be not so non-commital anymore (hint- she won’t put up with his BS and he’ll fall in love with that). Been there with the birds with the broken wings, got way too many t-shirts. You think you’ll show him what a good woman’s love is like, you think you will win him over through love and trust and endless understanding. In reality he’ll lose respect for you as you let yourself be used by him and he will never fall in love with you. Trust me.
This. He'll suddenly be able to commit to another woman. It happens all the time.
In order to deeply understand him you have to deeply understand yourself.
Does he really have commitment issues or do you have attachment issues?
Remember, if you are not altruistically trying to find the reason, you will probably end up with negative feelings if things don't go your way. Is it out of sincere interest for him that you want to find out, or is it just because you like him and want to be with him?
Some people just can't connect at the level that others see as a need. A man like this will commit when he finds a woman who doesn't demand too much of him emotionally. He will find that a comfortable and compatible place to be. Partners who want deep emotional connection are considered high maintenance to them, too much hard work.
Some people just can't connect at the level that others see as a need. A man like this will commit when he finds a woman who doesn't demand too much of him emotionally. He will find that a comfortable and compatible place to be. Partners who want deep emotional connection are considered high maintenance to them, too much hard work.
In my experience it’s the opposite. Many women like me who wasted time with men like this made life very easy for him. Get stood up? Get treated poorly? We respond with “that’s ok honey” because only WE understand him, “he’s not a bad guy, he’s just broken”. In my experiences they ended up falling in love with women who didn’t let them treat them poorly, who pushed back and said “if you’re gonna be with me you’ll treat me right”. The poster who asked if OP had attachment issues asked the right question, as we are very attracted to these type of partners.
They aren’t really unable to commit, when they meet a girl who’s not a meek and mild welcome mat suddenly they are quite able to fall in love.
In my experience it’s the opposite. Many women like me who wasted time with men like this made life very easy for him. Get stood up? Get treated poorly? We respond with “that’s ok honey” because only WE understand him, “he’s not a bad guy, he’s just broken”. In my experiences they ended up falling in love with women who didn’t let them treat them poorly, who pushed back and said “if you’re gonna be with me you’ll treat me right”. The poster who asked if OP had attachment issues asked the right question, as we are very attracted to these type of partners.
They aren’t really unable to commit, when they meet a girl who’s not a meek and mild welcome mat suddenly they are quite able to fall in love.
Different types I guess. Believe me, I lived it. Some men will not tolerate or care for an uppity female or one they cannot control. It insults their masculinity and those are the ones who would never truly emotionally connect with a woman unless they interpret control as love.
Different types I guess. Believe me, I lived it. Some men will not tolerate or care for an uppity female or one they cannot control. It insults their masculinity and those are the ones who would never truly emotionally connect with a woman unless they interpret control as love.
Ok, I know she didn’t go into too many details, but the man she’s describing doesn’t sound like that, he sounds to me like the many CP guys I was involved with and wanted to heal through my powerful love, lol. That’s the typical CP, the guy you connect with on so many levels and he tosses that disclaimer. My last one, after a three day love fest where it felt like we both fell in love, said on 4th day “I’m not good at relationships”. I should have said “thanks for letting me know” and left, instead I needed to know why (so I could fix it and go back to my love fantasy), and he says a few things about past gfs and trust, and I resolve to show him how different I am, and after he sees how awesome and loyal and agreeable I am he’ll let down his walls.
He complained about in ex-gf in particular, always arguing, she wasn’t as sweet or good to him as me...After three years of hot and cold relationship with me, 2 days of sex and staring into each other’s eyes and long into the night conversations, followed by not hearing from him for two weeks, it turned out she was the love of his life, went back to her and bought a house together. Those absences from my life that foolish me attributed to “we connected too deeply and it scared him”, he was talking to and or seeing her and I wasn’t even a blip on his mind (while I was consumed). After all, he never did commit to me. But Bam, no more commitment phobe.
The guys I tried to win over via understanding and patience and forgiveness and basically bring a doormat, never fell in love with me. Men want to be challenged to be their best. Women too. It’s human nature to lose respect for a sycophant. All the men I thought were too broken to love all left me for women who had self-respect and self-love in the end.
OP sounds too much like me (although I could be projecting lol). But it took me too many years to realize you have to evaluate someone for who they show themselves to be right now. That man wasn’t a jerk, he was a good and decent guy for the most part with a big heart...but I should have taken the hint he gave me on that fourth day and not seen him again. I justified hanging in there and defended him on forums (“you don’t understand, he’s not like that, our connection is real”).
My fiancé now, is never hot and cold, no walls. It feels good to be in a good relationship, and one where you have to go onto a forum for advice about how to get him to take down his walls, is never going to be a good one.
Different types I guess. Believe me, I lived it. Some men will not tolerate or care for an uppity female or one they cannot control. It insults their masculinity and those are the ones who would never truly emotionally connect with a woman unless they interpret control as love.
Healthy relationships don’t involve ‘uppity females’ or ‘controlling men’. OP - there’s no reason to ‘understand’ him; you already know he is not ‘available emotionally’ if he has already stated he ‘fears’/doesn’t want a commitment. At least he is honest - run the other direction. Some people aren’t looking for commitment; others are - it’s important to align yourself in a relationship in which you both seek the same things.
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