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I hope that this chapter of my life will be the beginning of great change. At 41 I finished grad school and I switched careers at 46. It's been one change after another for the past 5 years and very exciting
My last point was not to convey that I'm settled/content. Far from it. It's to contrast my relatively simple expectations (I think) to what I'm seeing others want from marriage today.
My difficulty with dating has been to find a man who is intellectually stimulating, who wants to learn about and see the world, and most importantly, who is kind and humble. As for money, I will satisfy whatever few material cravings I have with my own income. I grew up in a frugal household and the lessons have stuck. But I have met a lot of men who have really bad finances. Guys, spend within your limits and keep your credit straight .
Queensgrl, I like your posts on this thread. I hear you, I empathize with you, and I agree with you. Good luck out there!
Your focus is too narrow and quite anti male. The same thing applies to the women on here, but in subtlety different ways. The only difference is that they have a way of dressing it up to make a similar viewpoint seem reasonable and often, all the fault of men.
If you really want to talk about how experience (at least good experience) shapes people's advice, look at the advice from those advising women to look for men who will ultimately meet their expectations. From this, older women usually know who the good long term prospects are, but know they will have little success with such advice. This is a hard sell for nearly all women under 35. They are far too interested in snagging the "best specimen" they can lay their hands on and will often stop at little to get his attention.
Then, if they are "successful", have a couple of kids and gain 25 to 50 pounds in the process, they find out what he is really like. Where I live there is a shortage of women so many women who would have to lower their sights elsewhere can attract a very good looking guy, even if they have to forgo the trust fund. Such men are very slim, good looking and fit while she must stay on a 500 calorie a day diet to barely stay in the hunt.
Since such men are usually playing the field, it is important to understand that all the women see if the facade. When such men are talking (bragging) to their buddies, they can be very blunt in comparing the attractiveness of their conquests.
Other men with a basic decency often feel that they are witness to a bad soap opera and start to feel that there is really little hope to find any reasonable women who haven't been damaged by this experience. Of course, what women call such men is close to not being allowed on this site. When men say the same about women, it is usually deleted.
Please note...that was one 'example' I gave on advice given by different age groups. I'm the last woman on earth who is anti-male! I have a husband that I literally wait on hand and foot! And gladly do it, with no expectations in return. Of course him being an old fashioned kind of guy who still opens EVERY door for me (as well as any other woman) and actuallythanks me for cooking dinner every night for him. We cater too each other....after 30 years of knowing each other.
THAT SAID....I certainly get that age has nothing to do with advice now...it's the experience life has given them. Although at my age.....I have the experience of being married for 28 years.....NO ONE of age 35, no matter how many relationships they have been in...can understand what it is like to be married for 28 years. That level of love, trust and devotion that goes WAY beyond looks.
At first when I read your post...I though...who is this guy telling my I'm anti-male!?! It makes you sound very anit-female until the last paragraph....and maybe not. I perfectly agree with you...women can get damaged by that experience you describe....but in the same token...it takes women YEARS, possibly decades, to accept a guy for exactly what he is. I understand there are some awesome guys out there who will bend over backwards to please the right woman if she would only give him the chance....perhaps the underdog....and they get sick of hearing about women who go for looks and money and wonder why they get screwed, literally.....when they can offer a lifetime of happiness, not based on those things.
And maybe...just maybe.....women feel the same way about men. We have to have the perfect body to be noticed, get married, or even get a date.
Didn't I just catch a lot of flak in another thread for this very sort of thing?
I think it's short-sighted yet NORMAL for young people to say their answers will be the same in 30 years -- because right now they know what they think they know, which is NOT what they'll know in another 30 years of experiences, ups and downs, processed information, etc.
Then again, for the most part people, regardless of age, tend to be pretty stupid -- so perhaps just like that public service announcement, the one against smoking pot where the guy is in his room smoking with a friend and he's saying "They say marijuana is bad for you, like it hurts you or something... I don't believe that... *puff*... I started smoking when I was 16... I've been smoking for years now... it hasn't hurt ME any... in fact.... I'd say I'm the same now as I was when I first started."
Just then you hear a screeching woman's voice saying "Did you look for a job today?!?"
He panics, tells his friend to crack a window, all the while waving his hand around and shouting "No, Ma... I, uh... the place was closed today..."
Yep, he's exactly the same.
A lot of people fail to really process experiences or data, never really change much at all -- so maybe their answers really will be the same in 30 years.
But not anyone who actually has a lick of sense inside their cranium. Even if they don't go out and shake the world, they'll still observe and change over time, and one day they'll look back and shake their head at the way they used to view the world. I don't think THAT ever changes, not really. But if you honestly think your answers and advice will be the same in 30 years then you're basically saying you already know everything you're ever GOING to know -- and if 30 years of life have so little to offer you, I'd stop breathing NOW were I you.
It doesn't INvalidate what young people think, say or believe, because that's the world in which they're operating -- but it does pave the way for the regrets they'll experience, even if only fleetingly, when they look back at missed or blown opportunities, lost friendships for pretty bad reasons, lost loves.
I think a lot of younger people look at the world as disposable and only when they get older do they wonder why they didn't try just a little harder with such-and-such person.
AWESOME, AWESOME post.
I wonder what the young people will think about it
I perfectly agree.....and sometimes when giving advice as an older person...you can see it in the eyes of the yuonger person....they think we've already breached senility.
My Mom used to say.."You can't put an old head on young shoulders."
I try to post from past experiences, good or bad. My grandmother always told me I had an "old soul" which I give credit for allowing me to handle alot of dysfunction in my life and still come out alive and sanity in check.
If I can use my experiences to help another and perhaps take a look at life from the perspective of someone who's been there/done that then I'm happy if it helped.
I am disheartened by the bitterness and cynisism in the dating world today. So many people are just out for themselves and don't care who they hurt along the way. I feel for my son and his generation because I know unless he is able to stay strong and see through the games, lies and BS....he may end up the same. But momma's gonna stay in his ear!
There is something amazing that happens as you age. Your priorities become aligned, you don't sweat the small stuff and you gain self assurance. You've lived, made mistakes, had amazing adventures, met great folks...some not so great. But at the end of the day, you are grateful to have lived, loved, lost and lasted.
You remind me of my Mother and Sisters. After their marriages did not work out they went back and improved their education and careers. My mother got her PHD in Psychology at the age of 65, years ago now, My younger (baby Sister) just Graduated last month with a bachelors in computer stuff (not sure exactly) at the age of 45. Older sister Got her Computer training after her second husband left her for his High School sweetheart several years back while she was in her 50's. All have (had) succesful jobs, but all are single today. (Older Sister was married again but it was a short one this time.)
The problem is there are a whole lot of gals that would love to find what you describe. You will never find that kind of guy on a dating site, or in the bar scene. Sorry, but they will not be looking most times unless something tosses them out of the comfort zone. Or you find them.
Matt...you sound like you have some experience in knowing guys, or perhaps yourself even...who are waiting to have some woman yank you out of your comfort zone....wanting that woman to find YOU. Very sweet...but the same type of person you describe would find a very fitting mate...who also doesn't want to leave HER own comfort zone and wants the man to come to her. I see this in the young women I know....particularly in my 2 beautiful young adult daughters. Man makes the first move. some girls are still that old fashioned.
So...basically....if you're young, do you think your advice would be the same in 30 years and if you're older, do you also see some complete shallowness from some regular posters?
That implies advice is more inherently valuable coming from an older individual, and being that the average age of the regulars of this forum seem to be in their late thirties if not early forties, I'd say I see a lot of old fools.
And often I see condescension to younger posters (yes, including me), the gist of it being "I really don't have to bolster my counsel with facts and logic, just the fact that you are younger than me suffices to prove my point that you know nothing about said situation." Lazy arguing.
Ironically, there are so many older people who have so little relationship experience on this forum, I'm shocked they feel qualified giving advice to anyone.
Shallowness is a very subjective term. For example, I don't think it's shallow to refuse a date with someone because you don't find them physically attractive, and I don't think it's shallow to lose interest in sex with your spouse if they completely let themselves go physically. For me, sex isn't lights off, under the covers, and strictly an expression of love and admiration. I don't think it's shallow or unreasonable to expect your partner to keep up their appearance. Providing they are in good health, and haven't totally morphed into another person resembling Jabba the Hut, I also don't think it's fair to say you'd leave them if they gained a few pounds over the years either. But that's different for everyone. If you know your partner as well as you think you do, then you will know where they stand on the superficial stuff.
I wouldn't leave my partner for gaining a few pounds over the years, but if she gained over 100 pounds and became morbidly obese that would be a severe blow to our sex lives. I would encourage her to lose the weight and work out with her before it ever got to that point. Sex is not just physical stimulation or emotional--there is also the visual element, the stamina element, and what pleases us to the touch and the eye. If you know your partner, there shouldn't be any surprises, you should have a reasonable expectation and idea of where their priorities lie and what would possibly drive them away.
As for the advice in regard to age. Well, you learn from experience, and it would stand to reason that your advice would be different at age 50 than it would be at age 20, given the maturity and perspective of several decades. That doesn't mean a 20 year old couldn't offer some sound advice, but in most cases what's important to you at 20 isn't all that important at 50 and so on.
I'd like to hear from some of the over 60 members here. We often say "If only I knew then what I know now"...well, if some of our senior citizen's care to chime in--what would you do differently at age 30, 40, or 50 knowing what you know now? Hindsight is 20/20, what have you learned and what would you do differently if you could wind the clock back 20 or 30 years?
Coolhand...you are one of the best posters on here....no doubt.
First 2 paragraphs....This is exactly what I expected you to say too. Bad? I don't know......you know a little bit about me, so you can probably see why I might be a little 'disturbed' by this, for a lack of a better word. Makes me wonder if my husband feels the same way. Honestly....in my current position....if he did...I'd probably leave HIM. I wouldn't feel very loved...that's for sure. Not the love I feel my husband and I have.
Should I say in response to your next 2 paragraphs......that at age 50, if I knew then at age 20, what I know now...I'd have screwed around with a lot more guys purely for the 'visual sex' you describe?
I don't know if I qualify as younger or older. I'm 36. Yes, I see some shallowness from some posters. One of the more shocking posts was from a young man who said his future wife would be allowed to gain 25 pounds for pregnancy, but she must immediately lose it afterward, and gaining more than 10 pounds at any other time would be grounds for divorce. Another poster said that if his future wife cut her hair short, he'd leave her, but that guy's not unreasonable so I think he was exaggerating. The 25-pound guy, not so much.
I also see a bewildering lack of foresight in the men who believe they will simply party with young women forever. They don't realize the bankroll that will require as they age, or they may not care. In them I see a refusal to accept their own mortality. Young, beautiful women do not want to play nursemaid, not without some heavy cash outlay anyway. My great-grandfather took 10 years to die of Alzheimer's, and my great-grandmother took care of him. My grandfather died of cancer, and my grandmother took care of him. My other grandmother is not well right now (she has some troubling issues, but they're not sure what's wrong yet), and my grandfather is taking care of her. We will all get old and tired and wrinkly and ill, and it's a boon to have someone to help us and stay with us and love us. Men may point to Hugh Hefner and J. Howard Marshall, but those men are/were not the norm by any means.
I also see a measure of selfishness in people who insist that their current or future spouses must love them no matter what. Don't we frequently tell people that in order to find love, one must be lovable? Engaging in behavior that is destructive to your self (addiction, not taking care of your body) or marriage (not communicating or compromising, obsession with hobbies) is not okay, and people should not expect their spouses to happily go along with it.
So will my advice be the same in 30 years? I don't know. I hope I will have grown in some way. I have gotten more tolerant of some things over the years and less tolerant of other things. I expect that will continue.
...who also doesn't want to leave HER own comfort zone and wants the man to come to her.
Think I stated that already. Sorry, I am not looking for a gal to come sweep me off my feet. Though looking back on life I had wondered why women did not approach guys more often when they saw something they liked. I guess I just had too high of an opinion of the character of all women in general. I thought they were all capable of higher order reasoning. Instead there is just a small percentile. Not any different than the guys, how disappointing!
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But momma's gonna stay in his ear! 
