Doing internet background checks? (dating, women, love, single)

[Checkered24]

I found this to be an odd situation.

A woman I am interested in and have known for some time admitted to me recently that she had done some extensive background checks online, which revealed a lot of details to her.

Now, I know privacy is a thing of the past, and that a lot of information is out there online. However, I also know what is easily available on myself, and what takes some digging. What she has takes some digging.

Maybe I am wrong, but this seems to be a big red flag to me. She did come clean and admit she had done this, but only after I questioned how she had the detailed information. I do not have anything to hide really, and she didn't find anything "bad" but it makes me wonder whether I can trust her.

I find that people tend to project their own world views on others, and if she has to do that thorough of a background check, behind my back, and admit it after the fact, it makes me wonder what she is hiding. If she thinks I am hiding things, and has to do extensive checking to determine that, it makes me suspicious she is hiding things also and that is why she suspects others are doing the same.

It's a tough situation. This is someone I like a lot, and have a great deal of respect for, but this situation has me very much in doubt. Am I making it too big of an issue? Or this is this a serious sign of mistrust.

[DaBurgh]

I can see why you have some apprehension, but it would not bother me personally if a woman checked into my background. In this world you can never be too careful. Sounds like you have a woman with her head on straight. If you are in a good relationship otherwise, I would not let this keep you from moving forward. If you need to, ask her what she is hiding and then check her background as well.

[Melissa78703]

Try not to take this too personally. It could be that the woman you're talking about got burned really badly in the past when someone lied to her, and this lie caused extensive harm. Once that happens, it's very difficult to trust anyone. I got involved with a man who I could have sworn up and down was a stand-up guy. Everything looked really good on the surface. When I moved in with him, I discovered a lot of really nasty stuff. Specifically, that he defrauded a lot of people over the Internet. The attorney general's office called the home line. I was floored. He stole more than $40,000 from people all over the country. The other problems with his lack of ethics began to unravel after that.

I've had a background check done on men I've dated since then (through PI firms), even if they seem fine on paper. I don't tell them about it; I don't see the point. I look at it this say -- I don't mind anyone doing a background check on me. I don't have anything sordid to hide. Well, except for that one speeding ticket back in 2005. The only reason I'd mind is if I were trying to hide something.

[Neemy]

I've done occasional background checks, too, though just what is readily available on the internet. I do them for the same reasons as above. But I will tell the guy I did one, if he checks out okay, just because I don't want to accidentally bring up something in conversation that he didn't actually tell me yet. For anyone who doesn't check out... I just say "buh bye, now".

I've also found that they've been done on me. Because HE brought up something I hadn't actually told him, yet. Welp, fair is fair; it's a two way street.

[Nikki9947]

Yup I do an extensive background check on EVERY guy I date usually within the first couple of dates. I've found foreclosures, domestic violence cases, serious child support issues, ect. Those are the real red flags... not me checking for them. If anything I think it makes a person look smart as they have done their research before dating someone. As a single woman who lives alone I just don't wanna end up with a Joran Van Der Sloot. Is that asking too much?

[PJSaturn]

I agree with the posters who advised not to take it personally. I wish background info would've been available on the Internet when I was engaged more than two decades ago. It wasn't until police showed up at my place of employment with a composite sketch from several victims that I learned my fiance was doing some very, very bad things. Fifty-six days before my planned wedding, I learned the man I loved was NOT the man I thought he was. My world was shattered. He ended up doing 20 years in prison.

[the minx]

Probably not a bad idea. You can never be too careful.

[boodhabunny]

> What she has takes some digging.

Do you mean that she went deeper than what a Google Search and/or a background check would find?

It's pretty common practice for women to check out prospective suitors. In the olden days women could more easily learn of a man's reputation amongst neighbors, coworkers, and relatives. Today, we're less likely to have that advantage.

I always checked men out before getting into a car alone with them or letting them know my address. If he has a history of DUIs, I want to know about it. If there have been restraining orders filed against him, I'll pass, thank you very much.

[Winecountry1]

I work in law enforcement, so you KNOW i check guys i date. Im extra careful because i REALLY know what's out there. Like someone says...you just NEVER know about people.

I agree that I would not take it personal. And to me, women really need to be careful, as they are usually the ones who end up the victims in relationships that go real bad.

[RedJacket]

What a paranoid world we live in.