Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Studies have proven that kids raised by single mothers are far worse off then those raised by a traditional HAPPY family. The studies (the honest ones) also cite that these statistics haven't accounted for kids in UNHAPPY households.
Really? Please post these studies. It's interesting that scientists would have deliberately skewed the case studies like that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by roseba
Do you not have a responsibility to model a happy relationship, happy parent to your children?
Being selfless is a form of selfishness because you are robbing your children, yourself, and everyone who loves you the opportunity to see the authentic, thriving you.
What a pile of self-serving crap. Your choices are only to be a miserable, married martyr or a happy, thriving, single person?
Sure, people make mistakes. But "I need to be all I can be ... FOR YOU" is a copout. A big one.
Food is fundamental to good health. If your spouse doesn't support good eating habits, and it is something that is important to you, then no, I don't think it's practical or affordable or even fair to be sentenced to a lifetime of separate meals. That's a bit ridiculous.
Maintaining two households will be an even bigger strain on finances. If it's not practical to buy extra groceries, it's even less practical to have two homes.
I believe one parent or divorced parents are better if is if the relationship is extremely destructive to the child. Such as abuse, constant fighting, drug use, etc.
That's true, but who determines whether the relationship is destructive? There is no abuse of the kids, no drug use - I don't even drink coffee - but there is coldness and remoteness and fighting (not physical). Sure, I believe we should be divorced, but as I have said, I am not willing to be a visitor or a part-time father.
But what if the person married the wrong person, for whatever reason. Due to family pressures, lack of understanding themselves (therefore not being able to really be authentic with their partner).
That's what I was referring to. If that's not the point or not what you meant then.. sorry?
And ok, you finally got me to admit it: I AM shocked that one of your reasons for wanting to get divorced is that your spouse does not eat what you think is healthy. Tell me I'm misunderstanding that as well, if I am... I find the use of the phrase "Sentenced to a life of separate meals" kinda dramatic.
My husband is a vegetarian and I'm not. Sure doesn't feel like a "life sentence" to me, but whatever. As I said, do whatever you want. Once again, my only point was that the quoted above statement was an excuse to put the blame for a mistake you made onto another person, life event, or situation.
That's true, but who determines whether the relationship is destructive? There is no abuse of the kids, no drug use - I don't even drink coffee - but there is coldness and remoteness and fighting (not physical). Sure, I believe we should be divorced, but as I have said, I am not willing to be a visitor or a part-time father.
I don't know, Lucario. Honestly I only sited obvious examples of what damages kids because I don't really know if having extreme coldness between parents is better than having only one or having one or both of them part time. You made that decision and chose the option you thought would be best for them so the parents decide if they think it's damaging or would be damaging to their kids. If they disagree on whether to stay together for the kids or not then..well, you can't make someone stay married to you...
Each marriage is different, and we all have to choose how much wrong we can live with in our lives. Staying together for the sake of the children is fine so long as you can provide a stabile home for them without too much tension or being at one another's throats. The idea that you need to raise your kids in Candyland where they never witness an argument or are raised to believe that happiness comes easily, is almost as harmful as raising them in a dysfunctional household.
No my original point is that you can't FIX something that never really worked to begin with. Trying to fix it is stupid and punishes EVERYONE around you, including the kids, and definitely the spouse and yourself. Staying together for that reason is NOT a sound principal. You wouldn't do that for ANY OTHER life choice.
It's not a matter of the partner being less exciting, "dull", or less attractive. I'm talking about fundamental lifestyle choices. Living a life that is the life of someone else, because you picked the wrong partner.
In response to malamute... oh I remember you from other threads long ago....
One can find ways to have a getaway with their spouse without the kids. One doesn't need to take EVERY vacation with kids.
Food is fundamental to good health. If your spouse doesn't support good eating habits, and it is something that is important to you, then no, I don't think it's practical or affordable or even fair to be sentenced to a lifetime of separate meals. That's a bit ridiculous.
And kids also grow up. You need to have something other than the kids in common otherwise what kind of life do you have in the end?
So you simply cannot tolerate your husband eating potato chips while you eat a carrot?
Will you make sure you win custody of the kids so boring dad won't have them and you and your exciting Romeos leave them with babysitters when Romeo comes up with each fun filled adventure? Are you sure the exciting guy even wants kids around? Often they don't.
And do you feel the same way when a woman has become a bit boring, talks about the kids too much and it's the husband who now sees a new exciting woman in his life? Maybe the new redhead who just got hired at work and boring wife can't lose the last 10 pounds from her last baby?
Is that what marriage is? A constant thrill and the minute a spouse isn't as exciting as someone else, out the door they go?
Sometimes happiness is something one finds in themself, instead of being very sure it's in some new dashing other person that shows up in his or her life.
That's true, but who determines whether the relationship is destructive? There is no abuse of the kids, no drug use - I don't even drink coffee - but there is coldness and remoteness and fighting (not physical). Sure, I believe we should be divorced, but as I have said, I am not willing to be a visitor or a part-time father.
The kids will determine it as far as they are concerned.
And as for kids, not many really think or care that mom and dad are having the best sex life ever - most kids don't even like to speculate on that. They prefer assuming the parents only "did it" for the sake of conceiving them.
Kids won't mind at all if various foods are served in the home and each family member eats what they please, and they won't mind if they see one parent eating only healthy foods and the other eats some junk food - that will not traumatize them.
They won't even mind if the parents sometimes take a vacation with friends - maybe dad goes deer hunting, or mom travels with an aunt or a friend. Of course the kids will prefer and remember the vacations that included them as the best.
As long as it isn't a drug addicted parent, an abusive parent always creating havoc, or a parent that was out running around on the other, the kids won't much notice. Dull but good parents are fine with kids, or two exciting parents, and as long as the needs of the family are met, kids don't care if one parent was duller than the other.
The problem with infatuation is that it doesn't last and it can break up families and kids will suffer. And in the end it can make for a lot of loneliness.
When you get married your thinking should change, fundamentally. It should no longer be about YOU but about US (spouse, kids, even extended family). I hate to call it "the greater good" but isn't that what a family is really about? Isn't the loss of that why so many people are in deep trouble now in all sorts of ways with no support system except government handouts? You try to do whats best for everyone knowing that nobody gets everything they want. When you loose sight of that, and starting thinking "what will make ME happy" you loose. Especially if what will make you happy is superficial...how many things you can accquire, how many trips you can take, how many this, how much that, etc. You can chase happiness until you die and never be completely satisfied, and guarenteed that somewhere along the line you will leave some distruction in your path.
There is a premise out there that all marriages can be saved, and that all marriages are worth saving.
If you google most topics regarding marriage, whether it is incompatibility, financial woes, or infidelity, this idea comes out universally.
The only reasons marriage should not be saved, according to the prevelant cultural bias is if there is physical/sexual abuse, drugs, incarceration. Things of that nature.
But what if the person married the wrong person, for whatever reason. Due to family pressures, lack of understanding themselves (therefore not being able to really be authentic with their partner).
There seems to be nothing out there that asks that question and assumes that if you married someone that all the components that are supposed to be in a relationship were there at some point in time.
What if they weren't? Should a marriage that was wrong from the beginning be saved, even after the couple has tried and still can't come to a place that makes them both happy? What if there are kids?
I'd be happy to hear your thoughts?
I doubt there is no one who has gotton married and after a short time think they havent married the wrong person . Remorse sets in after you settle in to the marriage . Marriage is instrinsic to alot of negoitating and challenges and adversity -- many people arent familiar with just HOW much of it there usually is . Very few marriages take off and soar quick....most take off and hit lots of turbulent weather for long periods at a time and most of the time. There are ways to work with this and theres many good books and tapes on the market which can offer good advice. Theres Pastors who are trained in such matters who can be of help free of charge, trusted couples who you know well, and Marriage Conferences offered nationally . I think marriage requires both people excersising a great deal of grace, surrender, empathy, consideration, and unconditional love in order to make it work at least satisfactorily . Its a tough challenge which is why the its so necessary to undergo a formal PREmarital Course covering these things as well as having a Professional analyze your chances of having a workable marriage. Personally, I think there is hope for any marriage regardless of the issue/problem that arises , but it may require a physical seperation in order for both to work on it ...of course IF both are willing . I hope your marriage gets better but its going to require some definitive action to make it better.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
