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Huh? I just wrote that there are no studies comparing divorced kids with kids from unhappy two-parent households.
This is a very detailed article talking about it as it really is, not so black and white.
Divorce & Children | Couples Therapy and Marriage Counseling in Menlo Park and Palo Alto (http://www.counselorlink.com/divorce-children/ - broken link)
It's even less black and white than you acknowledge. Don't forget the contingent of single parents who divorced and are not happy. Do you think the dysfunction disappears once the "problem spouse" is out of the picture? Whew, now Dad's gone so we can live happily ever after! Mom is emotionally healthy and sane, and nobody fights over custody or child support ... problem solved!
This is what I am saying. Perhaps people who chirp about how much happier life will be after divorce need to consider all the possibilities. If they are, great.
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Originally Posted by roseba
if you married a miserable SOB, yes, that is the only choice. not everyone married a normal, high functioning, mature person. There are all sorts of things that are very, very good reasons to divorce.
Of course. There are also stupid reasons to divorce.
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Originally Posted by roseba
Or it's a way to have pathological emotional issues requiring years of therapy to undo the damage one is doing to themselves by having their needs for emotional, financial, physical well being shunned for decades at a time.
Divorce will not necessarily solve that. I believe that children of divorce are more likely divorce themselves, later in life. Consider also how living with one parent, or shuttling between two houses, will affect their lives. Some kids cope just fine. Other don't. "Oh, kids are resilient--don't worry!" is a facile response.
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Originally Posted by roseba
Not all situations are "I'm just bored". Some of them have serious and lasting psychological effects on not just the parents, but the kids. Do you really want ones daughter to marry an SOB like ones abusive husband? Or you son to marry an emotional shrew who doesn't hug or kiss. That's what happens to kids that grow up that way. They have no model for a normal loving relationship. They grow up with serious emotional dysfunctions, just like they witnessed in their parents marriage.
Other children grow up and never commit to anybody, believing there's no point. Surely you know what phrases like "broken home" and "daddy issues" entail and why they exist.
I'm not telling you or anybody what to do with your marriages. Your situation is yours and only you can know it. Just consider all the paths your LIVES--yours and the kids'--can take and why.
People seem to worship the institution of marriage like it was some sacred cow. It's a relationship albeit with legal ramifications, but it's still a relationship between 2 people and there is no guarantee it will work forever. Instead of pressuring people into trying to revive a dead horse why not help people divorce amicably .
Because the most ideal situation for kids is to live under a roof with TWO married parents that are in harmony ... and for that reason the parents should work it out thru professional counselling to not only transform their marriage into a better one but for the kids best emotional state. Children get greatly damaged from divorce and the repercussions are very long lasting.
Reminds me of that part in White Oleander when Astrid's mom says "You were always clinging to me like a spider. Mommy Mommy Mommy!" when explaining why she left her with a neighbor for over a year. and Astrid says "I was a kid! That's what kids do!" Great movie. One of my favorites of all time.
Most children don't need to sit on their mother every minute they are in the same room. It's nothing like 'White Oleander'. In fact, she has gotten in trouble for being too huggy to other children at her school.
There is a definition of too much and she does more than most kids her age.
People seem to worship the institution of marriage like it was some sacred cow. It's a relationship albeit with legal ramifications, but it's still a relationship between 2 people and there is no guarantee it will work forever. Instead of pressuring people into trying to revive a dead horse why not help people divorce amicably and work out agreements to ensure the kids have the best outcome. Divorce in this country is damaging to everyone because it is so adversarial, hateful and antagonistic. Imagine if the courts and society EXPECTED couples to co-parent instead.
I know, wishful thinking, but if people acted liked adults instead of nasty brats...
Is there really such a thing as an amicable divorce?
It's even less black and white than you acknowledge. Don't forget the contingent of single parents who divorced and are not happy. Do you think the dysfunction disappears once the "problem spouse" is out of the picture? Whew, now Dad's gone so we can live happily ever after! Mom is emotionally healthy and sane, and nobody fights over custody or child support ... problem solved!
Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. I advocate that everyone do therapy at one point or another. People are not always aware of their own failings.
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Originally Posted by JustJulia
This is what I am saying. Perhaps people who chirp about how much happier life will be after divorce need to consider all the possibilities. If they are, great.
I think Divorce is not a decision that should be made lightly. Of course some people MARRY lightly too. I think all possibilities should be explored.
It's hard being a single parent, but we are enormously better off without her father. Without the yelling, without the throwing of furniture, without the perpetual unemployment, without the spending of the money that mommy earns on frivolous toys rather than paying rent, without the mommy being fearful to speak up and say, "they were out of whole milk at the grocery store" with the daddy flipping out.
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Of course. There are also stupid reasons to divorce.
Yes there are. But I suspect that many of the people who divorce stupidly also married stupidly. People are either deep thinkers or they are shallow. Sometimes people change though, especially if they married very young, or for shot-gun reasons.
Quote:
Divorce will not necessarily solve that. I believe that children of divorce are more likely divorce themselves, later in life. Consider also how living with one parent, or shuttling between two houses, will affect their lives. Some kids cope just fine. Other don't. "Oh, kids are resilient--don't worry!" is a facile response.
I have met many people who are now adults who say, "I WISH my parents did divorce. It was hell living with them because it was clear they were only staying for the children and we weren't stupid, we noticed!" I've never heard any adult who said they wished their parents did not divorce. And I have read a LOT of discussion boards on this topic. Not ONE adult has ever said they wished their parents did NOT divorce.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia
Other children grow up and never commit to anybody, believing there's no point. Surely you know what phrases like "broken home" and "daddy issues" entail and why they exist.
That also happens to people who lived inside broken homes. Would you rather your child come from a broken home, or LIVE INSIDE one?
That is something for the parties involved in the marriage to think about and decide if that is the case. Living inside of one has just as many detrimental effects, if not more than being from one. Because the damage is ON GOING and CONTINUOUS rather than at the time of the divorce.
Most children don't need to sit on their mother every minute they are in the same room. It's nothing like 'White Oleander'. In fact, she has gotten in trouble for being too huggy to other children at her school.
There is a definition of too much and she does more than most kids her age.
As I already expressed, I was elated when my parents got divorced. But, just to play devil's advocate on this particular issue, my parent's were not very affectionate people. Not once in my life had I ever see them touch, hug or kiss each other and they were not coddling parents to us kids. As a result one would think I would not be an affectionate person and quite the opposite occured. Is she overly affectionate to others for lack of affection she's seen at home either with the both you to her or between the two of you? I'm no therapist or counselor, but many children in this type of affection situation also view sex as a means to affection and start rather early in life, even before they are out of grade school. They also become adults that have a real skewed viewpoint of sex=affection=love. Like I said, I'm no psych major, it's just from what I've seen and read and something to think about.
Because the most ideal situation for kids is to live under a roof with TWO married parents that are in harmony ... and for that reason the parents should work it out thru professional counselling to not only transform their marriage into a better one but for the kids best emotional state. Children get greatly damaged from divorce and the repercussions are very long lasting.
Children get greatly damaged by the acrimony leading up to the divorce. They have found that children who come from divorced families where the divorce was handled amicably, with the best interest of the children taken in first did not experience the same sort of problems. Yes, there is hurt involved, but it isn't long lasting.
Growing up in constant acrimony isn't good for anyone, not parent or child.
As I already expressed, I was elated when my parents got divorced. But, just to play devil's advocate on this particular issue, my parent's were not very affectionate people. Not once in my life had I ever see them touch, hug or kiss each other and they were not coddling parents to us kids. As a result one would think I would not be an affectionate person and quite the opposite occured. Is she overly affectionate to others for lack of affection she's seen at home either with the both you to her or between the two of you? I'm no therapist or counselor, but many children in this type of affection situation also view sex as a means to affection and start rather early in life, even before they are out of grade school. They also become adults that have a real skewed viewpoint of sex=affection=love.
Boy, that was a million dollar paragraph.
I grew up much like you. I was overly clingy as a child. I vowed that I would not be that way and practiced a lot of attachment parenting. She was breast fed till she was two and half. She gets hugged and cuddled constantly. She slept in my bed for over two years. She has gotten plenty of affection.
I have sought treatment for myself so I can figure out why I married someone who was so harmful to my well-being so that my future relationships won't be a repeat of old problems and I learned that some of my early-life situations were a result of not enough TLC as a child. (Lot's in what you said.)
In her case, I have likely over compensated. My therapists believes from how I described the situation at home that my daughter is stuck in the attachment phase that she should have grown out of when she was 2. Of course she was subjected to brutal, brutal fights pre-divorce and my former spouse refused to divorce me for several years after I told him that I had enough. He was violent in all ways, plus all the other issues that dragged the family down.
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