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hmm..have you had a relationship to speak of experience for this scenario you present? A girl will lose interest in you if she has to wait ages for you to make a move on her via a "friendship".
And yes, men and women generally can't be friends, there are some exceptions or I wouldn't have male friends myself. Your thoughts of being friends with girls with the ultimate intention of sizing her up for a relationship, proves that. Like we all said, you find out compatibility by dating, as in going on dates. Trust me, its less of a pain to turn down a date than it is to turn down a friend if it doesn't work out.
No. I've never had a relationship that followed this scenario. My only relationship was in 5th grade and that was before I came up with this ideal scenario. Besides, it's hard to compare a 5th grade relationship to a relationship at my age.
Naive me, I thought it was a good thing when girls befriend me. I thought it meant they enjoy my company. But after what you said, I might think twice next time a girl befriends me. According to you, when a girl befriends me, they're essentially saying they've already decided I'm not good enough to date them.
But if I become friends with a girl to size her up, there might be girls out there that also become friends with a boy to size him up. Just because it's not the norm or it's not what you do, doesn't mean it never happens.
I'm all for being friends with a girl. But the reason I size her up is because if I'm going to get a girlfriend, it's easiest to start out with what I already know. Why should I go find a random girl to date if I have a friend that I have a thing for? I don't like to venture out into uncharted water.
To city_data91: I once thought as you -- be friends with a girl first, win her heart and affection, and have her fall totally in love with you, b/c she realizes after some time, just how great of a guy you are, and from then on, she wants your love and affection.
Alas my friend, much as I wish that would actually happen (in a perfect world, it *should* happen), it simply ain't so, at least 99.99% of the time. (A near-statistical impossibility.)
Believe me and please trust me on this...I know because I learned it, the hard way I'm not saying it's impossible...but I am saying it is practically dang near, to impossible. The probability is so completely remote that it's not even worth trying for more than friendship with an opposite gender friend, unless *she* asks you for more than friendship, herself. Otherwise, all you do is ultimately lose their friendship anyway, after they get weirded out about you asking for more than that. ETA: or, at best, friend-zoned, that is if she even wants to keep you, as her friend after the disclosure that you want more.
Last edited by Phoenix2017; 01-20-2011 at 11:17 AM..
Reason: Corrected wording
My instinct just tells me it's creepy to ask a girl out right after meeting her. Another poster started a thread called "Never again will I say yes to a man that asks me out 5 minutes after meeting me" or something along those lines.
If I asked a girl out right away, she would probably be thinking:
"How can he be interested in me? He just met me. Why is he talking to me? Is he just talking to me because he wants to date me?"
If the title of this thread is true and girls like to start out as friends first, that's good news for me.
When I first see someone, I might think they're hot/cute. But I wouldn't know yet if I want to date them. I might view them as a potential date, but I would have to get to know them before I know whether or not I want to date them.
According to you, when a girl befriends me, they're essentially saying they've already decided I'm not good enough to date them.
Yes, yes, a million times yes. I would say "they've already decided they don't want to date me," not "they've already decided I'm not good enough to date them," but that's just semantics. Yes, when you are "friends" with a girl, she has already decided she's not dating you. That's what people keep repeating on here, and it finally looks like it might be sinking in a little bit. That's a breakthrough. Now apply that knowledge.
Yes, yes, a million times yes. I would say "they've already decided they don't want to date me," not "they've already decided I'm not good enough to date them," but that's just semantics. Yes, when you are "friends" with a girl, she has already decided she's not dating you. That's what people keep repeating on here, and it finally looks like it might be sinking in a little bit. That's a breakthrough. Now apply that knowledge.
Thank youu!!!!!
City-I'm a girl. Trust me on what I'm saying and what the men who are backing me up are saying.
They're bad thoughts if she's not interested in me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Knight2009
To city_data91: I once thought as you -- be friends with a girl first, win her heart and affection, and have her fall totally in love with you, b/c she realizes after some time, just how great of a guy you are, and from then on, she wants your love and affection.
Alas my friend, much as I wish that would actually happen (in a perfect world, it *should* happen), it simply ain't so, at least 99.99% of the time. (A near-statistical impossibility.)
Believe me and please trust me on this...I know because I learned it, the hard way I'm not saying it's impossible...but I am saying it is practically dang near, to impossible. The probability is so completely remote that it's not even worth trying for more than friendship with an opposite gender friend, unless *she* asks you for more than friendship, herself. Otherwise, all you do is ultimately lose their friendship anyway, after they get weirded out about you asking for more than that. ETA: or, at best, friend-zoned, that is if she even wants to keep you, as her friend after the disclosure that you want more.
I haven't learned the hard way. But after reading some of the posts on this forum, I understand the concept of the friend zone. Like you said, it should happen the way we want (become friends, then become more than friends). But the sad truth is many people don't believe in going about dating that way.
One thing that gives me hope is the thread someone started about the in-between zone which can last for years.
But other than that, I've pretty much accepted the fact that it's hard to get a girlfriend since I don't want to date someone I just met and barely know. I just can't bring myself to do that. I don't want to conform to other people's ideas of what dating should be like. I'd rather stay single.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tribecavsbrowns
Yes, yes, a million times yes. I would say "they've already decided they don't want to date me," not "they've already decided I'm not good enough to date them," but that's just semantics. Yes, when you are "friends" with a girl, she has already decided she's not dating you. That's what people keep repeating on here, and it finally looks like it might be sinking in a little bit. That's a breakthrough. Now apply that knowledge.
I knew there was such a thing as a friend zone. But I thought it took time to get put in the friend zone. If you immediately get put in the friend zone when you befriend a girl, this is news to me.
I think my fear of rejection might explain my approach to dating. Since I fear rejection, that's why I like to observe from the sideline and decide if I want to date someone before I actually date them. I like to stay silent while I make judgments on whether or not we're compatible. Once I decide we're compatible, that's when I want to ask her out. But my fear of rejection (along with friend zone nonsense) prevents me from asking her out then too.
This is just an example, but let's say I ask a girl out right after meeting her and she says no.
And for my second example, the series of events will go differently. I meet the same girl, we become friends, but I don't want to be more than friends. No rejection, but I find out we're not compatible.
Can you see how it's in my best interest to wait? Between those 2 hypothetical examples, the 2nd example is better. If I just wait, I might find out we're not compatible anyway so it makes no sense to ask her out.
Why risk rejection from a girl that I might not even like? Asking someone out right after meeting them is like buying a house after you only see a picture of the outside.
Last edited by city_data91; 01-20-2011 at 02:17 PM..
If you can't get guy friends, talk to women on your own. Though this will only work at regular places like the store; if you go out to a club by yourself you will appear either creepy or pathetic.
I'll do you a HUGE favor and even plan it out for you. Go out with at least one male friend to a place that has dancing and serves alcohol. Ask a girl to dance and, if she says yes, ask another and another as long as they are saying yes. If you get shot down twice, stop asking and relax with a few drinks.
Hey, appreciate the input. I'll definitely have to try this sometime. Is a club/bar the best place for this? Are there any other good places to ask out girls? Should I just randomly go up to girls on my college campus?
Quote:
Originally Posted by mir86
no no no!
I and a few others in this thread have mentioned a few times that if you're in the friend zone, you're stuck there. Most of us don't need a "friendship" with the opposite sex to decide if we want to bone each other and start a relationship, because that's what "dating" is for. If I'm friends with a guy, he's a friend just like any other friend and I would be very offended if a guy I was friends with was sizing me up on whether or not I'm girlfriend material, rather than being a good friend to me instead. I've been put in this position by a few guy "friends" and lets just say, they're not my friends anymore. They turned into douches when I never let it go further. Anyways, no girl is sizing you up to date you once she's made you her buddy. If she likes you, she's dying for you to ask her out already, not hang out and go shopping together.
Well, I think I'm pretty much convinced. Thanks. What if I am thrown into the scenario of developing more feelings for a friend? Shouldn't I ask her out regardless? Wouldn't I kick myself if I left myself thinking what if?
"Let's Just Be Friends" is one of the biggest insults a girl can ever say to a guy -- because 90% of the time, she doesn't even really mean it (i.e., anything about real "friendship" anyway).
"LJBF" = same as "Get Lost".
This seems to be pretty close to the truth, at least in my experience. Aside from my latest failure (where the girl genuinely seems to want to stay friends... maybe that's one of the 10% cases), each other has resulted in essentially the termination of the friendship.
Well, I think I'm pretty much convinced. Thanks. What if I am thrown into the scenario of developing more feelings for a friend? Shouldn't I ask her out regardless? Wouldn't I kick myself if I left myself thinking what if?
If you guys have been friends all along and you suddenly find yourself developing feelings for her, that's one thing, but its still very tricky. You may find that she had a crush on you all along, but maybe not. You have to find a way to make it not awkward to stay friends like you were before if you find out the feelings aren't mutual.
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I'm not saying it's impossible...but I am saying it is practically dang near, to impossible. The probability is so completely remote that it's not even worth trying for more than friendship with an opposite gender friend, unless *she* asks you for more than friendship, herself. Otherwise, all you do is ultimately lose their friendship anyway, after they get weirded out about you asking for more than that. ETA: or, at best, friend-zoned, that is if she even wants to keep you, as her friend after the disclosure that you want more.
