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You should take a hard line and be slow about forgiving or trusting him. Otherwise, he'll get the message that you'll forgive him, whatever he does. Be sure he understands that he's on tight probation, and has to prove himself - YOU don't need to trust him, HE has to prove he's trustworthy. If he can, you may forgive, but never forget. Hold him to a high standard.
And while this is going on, you should find out WHY this appealed to him. In other words, what is lacking in your relationship, if anything? It may be only his failing, and not yours, but usually both partners have some role in such problems.
You shouldn't feel obligated to "get over it".
You can build a life without him if need be.
I hope you made sure to get a physical after finding out about his infidelity.
I know of many people who have gotten STD's from their mates cheating.
Just over a year ago, my husband thought it would be a good idea to get together with a call girl. I found the money, the extra phone blah, blah, blah... I just can't seem to trust again so that we can move on. We had it all, I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world only to be blindsided for an anniversary gift. When things are going good, I'm happy again, but if he works late or steps outside to take a phone call, I go into panic mode and everything from that point is like sleeping with one eye open until I blow up about it to him. I hate to blow up, but if I just mention one little thing, he gets upset that I still don't trust him.
I was honestly hoping to find a support group, but this is all I could find. It can't hurt, so I figured I would try. We have know each other for eight years, married for six and built a home and family together. I want to fix our marriage, but can't seem to figure out how. If you have been here, and have come through with your family and partner, please help me...
You're not responsible for fixing what someone else broke. You'll never be able to forgive him so you might as well move on. The reason why you don't trust him is because you know that he can't be trusted and you need to go with that feeling. Staying will only prove to him that he can get away with it and he'll do it again. Unfortounately, this is a catch 22 situation because the only way he'll learn is for you to leave and stay gone. He'll realize that he messed up and he will probably even realize that he loves you but he will only respect you as long as you stay gone.
I'm speaking from personal experience (not in a marriage but in a long term relationship that I thought was leading to marriage). Sorry for the bad news but that's the situation you're in.
I completely disagree with prior posters here who say "there was no emotional attachment, that's preferable to him loving someone."
Your husband cheated with a prostitute! Did he wear a condom? Would you believe him if he said he did? He lied about this previously, why ever believe him again?
To me, this is a total deal breaker. A husband paying a woman for sex is almost unbelievably loathsome and low. Imagine the STD's on a cal girl. Sorry for being blunt, but I would not stay with a man who did this. No exceptions.
If he is still getting upset because you don't trust him, the cheating isn't over. If it were over or if he were sorry about hurting you, he would understand your actions, do whatever is necessary to gain your trust back and volunteer to let you know where he is and not step out to take a phone call. You have to decide if you want to give up the life style you have and move on, or live with the resentment of how he cheated and hurt you and continues to act as if you are the one who stepped outside of the marraige. There are two sides to every story, but there is no reason to cheat.
The need/desire for a call girl may be linked to deeper emotional issues. Counseling would be good if he agrees to go and be open with discussion and follow up. Your marriage can get past this, but only if he shows some remorse and be willing to listen and to give you what you need to trust him again. If he is not willing to give you what you need, you have to decide what you can live with. Living day after day in an unhappy marriage is a miserable life.
Just over a year ago, my husband thought it would be a good idea to get together with a call girl. I found the money, the extra phone blah, blah, blah... I just can't seem to trust again so that we can move on. We had it all, I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world only to be blindsided for an anniversary gift. When things are going good, I'm happy again, but if he works late or steps outside to take a phone call, I go into panic mode and everything from that point is like sleeping with one eye open until I blow up about it to him. I hate to blow up, but if I just mention one little thing, he gets upset that I still don't trust him.
I was honestly hoping to find a support group, but this is all I could find. It can't hurt, so I figured I would try. We have know each other for eight years, married for six and built a home and family together. I want to fix our marriage, but can't seem to figure out how. If you have been here, and have come through with your family and partner, please help me...
I'm sorry to say this, but you are wrong. You didn't have it all, you just thought you did. Somewhere along the line something was missing or at least he thought something was missing. There is always the possibility that he wanted something that he was embarassed to ask you for, or thought from your past comments that you wouldn't want to go along with. I'm speaking of things having to do with sex. Call girls will usually do just about anything that is asked of them if the money is worth enough.
Which is better in your judgement, losing your husband for good, or forgiving him? If you are a naturally jealous person, you are going to have a struggle, but you have got to put his infidelity out of your mind and stop blowing up. Your distrust will be obivious, over time it will ruin your relationship, then you won't have to worry anymore, he'll just leave. It won't kill you to trust him, but it won't be easy, to show him that you do trust him. That will take a lot of love, and alot of understanding on your part. Are you woman enough to show him you care? Please know that I'm not placing the blame for his infidelity on you. Some people couldn't forgive an infidelity and their only recourse would be to leave, but none of us think the same. You have to make up your own mind if you can live with this or not. You need to have a serious talk to find out why this happened, you also need to set some new ground rules in your marriage if you decide to continue.
Last edited by Nite Ryder; 01-19-2011 at 08:25 PM..
Just over a year ago, my husband thought it would be a good idea to get together with a call girl. I found the money, the extra phone blah, blah, blah... I just can't seem to trust again so that we can move on. We had it all, I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world only to be blindsided for an anniversary gift. When things are going good, I'm happy again, but if he works late or steps outside to take a phone call, I go into panic mode and everything from that point is like sleeping with one eye open until I blow up about it to him. I hate to blow up, but if I just mention one little thing, he gets upset that I still don't trust him.
I was honestly hoping to find a support group, but this is all I could find. It can't hurt, so I figured I would try. We have know each other for eight years, married for six and built a home and family together. I want to fix our marriage, but can't seem to figure out how. If you have been here, and have come through with your family and partner, please help me...
IMO you have a choice to make. forgive him and FORGET it or get into counseling. you HAVE to put it behind you one way or another
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Getting past my husbands Infidelity...
