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Regardless of the living situation, you first should sit down with your husband when MIL and children aren't around and quietly explain to him how you feel and how his mother's comments are damaging and disrespectful. Don't be combative or emotional, just ask him why he feels his mother's comments should simply be ignored, and give him time to answer.
If you can't get him on the same page, then you should take your MIL aside at a time when your husband and the children are out. Explain to her quietly and without raising your voice that her continual negative comments about your son are totally inappropriate, are hurtful and damaging, and that they cannot be allowed to continue. Ask her why she does it, let her respond - in fact MAKE her respond by not responding to any combative response from her or any comment related to your abilities as a parent.
As a last resort, family counseling with a professional may well be in order.
This has the potential to be a very damaging situation for your family unit and, unless all parties can come to terms, then it's time to reevaluate the living situation and separate.
It's time for you to stop reacting defensively and emotionally, take a deep breath (or a few thousand if necessary!) and present your point of view calmly. Give it your best shot, good luck and let us know how it works out.
This would be my advice as well. And the sooner the better. I know that if I don't talk things through - eventually they build up inside me to the boiling point and then I just start lashing out. That's when I start snapping at someone and saying things that I mean but probably shouldn't say. You need to have a talk with both the husband and the MIL, seperately, and tell them that this is unacceptable - because it is unacceptable.
What a horrible situation. I wish you all the best.
Well after reading a couple of your other threads, such as this one Being a girl can u ever have lasting friendship with same sex or opposites? where you can't seem to make/keep friends but especially this one: jealousy issues...what to do if someone is jealous of you? where you can't seem to get along with any of your husbands family, I have came to the conclusion either you married into a family that would make a good Jerry Springer episode, or YOU are the one causing problems and don't like it when it is dished back at you (known as a "Drama Queen") or you have some issues you need to seek professional help for or you are just trolling.
My guess from reading your posts is you are a Drama Queen and your husband is doing the best he can with the crappy situation to try to maintain a positive relationship with his family. I would venture to guess that there may be reasons why she has made the comments she has made. I would also suspect that you and he have a fairly rocky relationship that isn't going to last much longer because of the conflicts you seem to have with everybody around you.
So you are justifying the MIL cruel remarks about the OP's special needs child? Shame on you. Even if, in your mind, that the OP is a drama queen, it still gives this MIL NO RIGHT TO BASH, DEMEAN OR TALK DOWN to her grandson. This is her flesh in blood that she is talking about. And if it's done in front of the child, the child will feel even worse about himselve. This type of person is not only saying this in front of the child's mother and father but I'm sure she's telling the whole family. The whole family eventually will agree with her and put her and her children down and make them feel like outcasts in their own family. This attitude and cruel remarks has to stop immediately.
How you can respect this women still is beyond me, OP but it is your feelings. Are you from the U.S. or is your culture different then most in the U.S.? The reason why I say that is because it sounds like you are in a household of different generations.
Anyway, I agree with STT and you should sit down with your husband and talk to him quietly and unemotional as you can, then do the same with your MIL. Hopefully this will resolve the issue. If not, you need to take up for your children and might have to separate yourself and your children from your husband's family environment. There is alot of financial help for you if you decide to leave your abusive situation. Good luck and let us know what happens!
Also referring back to the person's post that I'm quoting from, just because those around her are fighting with her doesn't mean it's her and not them. Her husband and his family might be mean-spirited bullies.
So, you didn't realize that she was a meanie before you married her son?
Why do some people think that "other people" will change their ways just because they get married?
It is what it is. You need to accept that your children are not going to have an understanding, loving,caring, nurturing grandma in the form of your mother-in-law. This isn't going to magically resolve itself like an ABC After School Special.
You are going to have to get a little bit thicker skin and let her comments roll off of you. Also, do not put your husband in the position of having to side with you over his mother. Your mother-in-law may just be the master of the "divide & conquer".
When she makes coments to you just pretend that she is speaking a foreign language that you don't understand and just nod and smile. And keep it moving.
Don't agree at all with anything you're saying. It's one thing to say it to my face about my special needs child but to start talking about my other child that there's something wrong with them and then telling not only the OP but everyone in the family is NOT ok to just let it roll off your back or make out she's talking another language. She MUST stand up to this women and defend her children from her. It will only get worse if she doesn't.
Well after reading a couple of your other threads, such as this one Being a girl can u ever have lasting friendship with same sex or opposites? where you can't seem to make/keep friends but especially this one: jealousy issues...what to do if someone is jealous of you? where you can't seem to get along with any of your husbands family, I have came to the conclusion either you married into a family that would make a good Jerry Springer episode, or YOU are the one causing problems and don't like it when it is dished back at you (known as a "Drama Queen") or you have some issues you need to seek professional help for or you are just trolling.
My guess from reading your posts is you are a Drama Queen and your husband is doing the best he can with the crappy situation to try to maintain a positive relationship with his family. I would venture to guess that there may be reasons why she has made the comments she has made. I would also suspect that you and he have a fairly rocky relationship that isn't going to last much longer because of the conflicts you seem to have with everybody around you.
I was under impression that I was asking for support and not for any judgements like DRAMA QUEEN???? First of all, if you cannot help or say something comforting, who gives you right to pass on any judgements on anyone. Just live one day in my shoes and you would regret what you said for me. Anyways Please remember its difficult to help someone and very easy to pass judgements. I dont want to say any more...i am too tired and exhausted to reply back to any dumb, silly judgements passed on me.
Don't agree at all with anything you're saying. It's one thing to say it to my face about my special needs child but to start talking about my other child that there's something wrong with them and then telling not only the OP but everyone in the family is NOT ok to just let it roll off your back or make out she's talking another language. She MUST stand up to this women and defend her children from her. It will only get worse if she doesn't.
It may make the OP feel better to "get it off her chest" but that will not change the behavior of the mother-in-law. People never think about what is actually going to happen after this woman stands up to her meanie MIL....absolutely nothing.
Personally, I think the OP should limit her children's exposure to granny. If she is actually voicing her opinions so strongly I would be concerned leaving either child at granny's house alone.
It may make the OP feel better to "get it off her chest" but that will not change the behavior of the mother-in-law. People never think about what is actually going to happen after this woman stands up to her meanie MIL....absolutely nothing.
Personally, I think the OP should limit her children's exposure to granny. If she is actually voicing her opinions so strongly I would be concerned leaving either child at granny's house alone.
And you haven't read the OP's post or can't comprehend what you read correctly. The MIL LIVES with them. This grandmother is exposed to her grandchildren every day.
[quote=donie1;18379384]
How you can respect this women still is beyond me, OP but it is your feelings. Are you from the U.S. or is your culture different then most in the U.S.? The reason why I say that is because it sounds like you are in a household of different generations.
Anyway, I agree with STT and you should sit down with your husband and talk to him quietly and unemotional as you can, then do the same with your MIL. Hopefully this will resolve the issue. If not, you need to take up for your children and might have to separate yourself and your children from your husband's family environment. There is alot of financial help for you if you decide to leave your abusive situation. Good luck and let us know what happens!
quote]
I respect her because of many reasons:
Before I had children, I had great relation with her. She was helpful and caring to me as a mother would be to her child. The only negative aspect of her personality is - SHE WOULD SAY THINKS WITHOUT THINKING OR YOU CAN SAY, SHE TRIES TO SHOW HER LOVE BY SOMETIMES YELLING at YOU, FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT THOUGH. I guess its difficult to explain her relation with me. i USED TO FEEL BAD WHEN I WAS NEWLY MARRIED ABOUT HER LANGUAGE, TAUNTS AND SARCASM. But after knowing her as a person, that she is that way with everyone around her.
Its just how she is, talks without thinking but without any bad intentions.
I think as someone from past generation, she cannot get over the fact that her First grandson is a special need child. I dont blame her completely as I know from where she is coming. You have guessed correct, its a different culture , we are indians (asians) living in US. My MIL was raised in India and she came to US when she was of around 35 yrs old. In India, having a sp. need child is a big Taboo. Now times are changing but before when she was growing up all sp. need children were considered mad or mentally retarted and useless cases. Socially there would be not much help given to you. You would be looked down if you have a sp. need child.
Yes culturally too, Its a different living setting we are in. Its called joint indian family setting what we are living. The only difference is we are following it in US. The term Joint indian family means all the immediate family members living together in the same house. So right now we are 9 people living together (including 3 kids) So its my family, my in-laws (MIL and FIL), my hubby's younger bro (bro-inlaw) and his wife and daughter.
The main benefits of this system is Helping each other and living happily together. Basically Family means a lot to indians. They would try to do everything together. Its great support system. But at the same time, any system would have its drawbacks too, this one also has it.
I love my family and with family I mean not only my family but also the in-laws. Its just that this happened and was so frustrating. I needed some support and advice, so I started this post.
Thanks once again for all your support, I appreciate it.
Mother-in-law talks mean about my sp. need child and my hubby is quiet
Quote:
Originally Posted by donie1
So you are justifying the MIL cruel remarks about the OP's special needs child? Shame on you. Even if, in your mind, that the OP is a drama queen, it still gives this MIL NO RIGHT TO BASH, DEMEAN OR TALK DOWN to her grandson. This is her flesh in blood that she is talking about. And if it's done in front of the child, the child will feel even worse about himselve. This type of person is not only saying this in front of the child's mother and father but I'm sure she's telling the whole family. The whole family eventually will agree with her and put her and her children down and make them feel like outcasts in their own family. This attitude and cruel remarks has to stop immediately.
How you can respect this women still is beyond me, OP but it is your feelings. Are you from the U.S. or is your culture different then most in the U.S.? The reason why I say that is because it sounds like you are in a household of different generations.
Anyway, I agree with STT and you should sit down with your husband and talk to him quietly and unemotional as you can, then do the same with your MIL. Hopefully this will resolve the issue. If not, you need to take up for your children and might have to separate yourself and your children from your husband's family environment. There is alot of financial help for you if you decide to leave your abusive situation. Good luck and let us know what happens!
Also referring back to the person's post that I'm quoting from, just because those around her are fighting with her doesn't mean it's her and not them. Her husband and his family might be mean-spirited bullies.
So far we have all heard just one side of the story. Don't you think it a bit early to come to a conclusion about what is going on here? When you have a situation where more than one family lives in a house, all of them could be dysfunctional if they think that is a good living arrangement. Squabbles are bound to happen between two women who want to be the boss.
I was under impression that I was asking for support and not for any judgements like DRAMA QUEEN???? First of all, if you cannot help or say something comforting, who gives you right to pass on any judgements on anyone. Just live one day in my shoes and you would regret what you said for me. Anyways Please remember its difficult to help someone and very easy to pass judgements. I dont want to say any more...i am too tired and exhausted to reply back to any dumb, silly judgements passed on me.
Sorry if I hurt your feelings. I'm just saying, it seems like either you can't get along with anybody or it makes you feel better to complain about everybody. You have multiple threads about not being able to get along with various different people. Anybody that looks over your other threads could come to the same conclusion.
If I lived one day in your shoes the next day when you were back in them your life would be much more pleasant, if all you say is in fact true, because there would be some people getting their face smacked around to the back side of their head and ass chewings they would never forget. Nobody belittles me, talks bad about my children or treats me unfairly without suffering the consequences of their actions. I would suggest you start sticking up for yourself. No one has to deal with people treating them that way but whether you choose to do something about it or just take it is up to you. You would probably be surprised how they back down and leave you alone if you would just let them have it one good time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by donie1
So you are justifying the MIL cruel remarks about the OP's special needs child? Shame on you. Even if, in your mind, that the OP is a drama queen, it still gives this MIL NO RIGHT TO BASH, DEMEAN OR TALK DOWN to her grandson.
No I'm not justifying anyone's cruel remarks. I am saying I am not so sure I believe any of it or the extent. She keeps starting threads about how she can't get along with her husband's brother's wife, can't get along with his family, and can't get along with her mother in law and she also has a thread stating she can't seem to have or keep friends of the same gender. If you read all of those threads, do a little reading between the lines and think about it for a few minutes, what conclusion do you come to? lol
Last edited by dijkstra; 03-21-2011 at 08:09 PM..
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and I say that as a grandparent.
Judgement or support????
I love my Family...i feel better now
Mother-in-law talks mean about my sp. need child and my hubby is quiet
