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I love hearing about people who are happily married. I was for a while too - no one intends to divorce. Here's my take on it...
Get 100 married couples.
Commonly accepted statistics tell us that at least 50% are doomed to divorce.
So that leaves 50 couples.
Of those 50, probably 20 are actively happy, 20 are just bumping along, and 10 (I'm being generous here) would describe themselves as unhappy or unfulfilled, yet still stay together for financial/religious reasons.
So we actually have 20 out of 100 couples whose marriage can be described as "successful". Now add in unforseens such as unemployment, homelessness, illness, drugs or alcohol, or any number of the buckets of ***** life can throw at you. How many of those 20 couples will survive a serious test of their relationship? Probably only 10 at best. This is also not accounting for those couples whose "love" is actually some sort of unhealthy co-dependancy...we all know them...those who cannot even have an opinion or make a lunch date without first running it through their partners. Ugh.
In fact if I keep going, I'll prove to myself that the only people who stay married are the mentally ill!
I love hearing about people who are happily married. I was for a while too - no one intends to divorce. Here's my take on it...
Get 100 married couples.
Commonly accepted statistics tell us that at least 50% are doomed to divorce.
So that leaves 50 couples.
Of those 50, probably 20 are actively happy, 20 are just bumping along, and 10 (I'm being generous here) would describe themselves as unhappy or unfulfilled, yet still stay together for financial/religious reasons.
So we actually have 20 out of 100 couples whose marriage can be described as "successful". Now add in unforseens such as unemployment, homelessness, illness, drugs or alcohol, or any number of the buckets of ***** life can throw at you. How many of those 20 couples will survive a serious test of their relationship? Probably only 10 at best. This is also not accounting for those couples whose "love" is actually some sort of unhealthy co-dependancy...we all know them...those who cannot even have an opinion or make a lunch date without first running it through their partners. Ugh.
In fact if I keep going, I'll prove to myself that the only people who stay married are the mentally ill!
You're treating all these couples as if they are on equal footing. They are not. That's one of the many problems people have when attempting to interpret stats. The couple at risk for drug dependence and homelessness is not the same couple at a statistical marriage-success advantage. The latter group tends to be older, educated professionals and the former group tends to be younger, uneducated couples.
What they don't realize is that when facing a divorce involving money, children, property people will turn into creatures you didn't know even existed.
THIS IS IT IN A NUTSHELL. It's kind of like wondering: if you try to pet a mako shark, will it bite you? You don't need to experience that to know it will.
Nope. "WE" were unable to sustain it. Because the relationship is unsustainable for long term, it's more rooted deep into our biology then our moral minds ability to force it to work. Especially men who need some variety. Hey don't shoot me for saying that. Blame your God for making us that way.
Relationships don't sustain themselves.
People sustain them. Or don't.
I love hearing about people who are happily married. I was for a while too - no one intends to divorce. Here's my take on it...
Get 100 married couples.
Commonly accepted statistics tell us that at least 50% are doomed to divorce.
So that leaves 50 couples.
Of those 50, probably 20 are actively happy, 20 are just bumping along, and 10 (I'm being generous here) would describe themselves as unhappy or unfulfilled, yet still stay together for financial/religious reasons.
So we actually have 20 out of 100 couples whose marriage can be described as "successful". Now add in unforseens such as unemployment, homelessness, illness, drugs or alcohol, or any number of the buckets of ***** life can throw at you. How many of those 20 couples will survive a serious test of their relationship? Probably only 10 at best. This is also not accounting for those couples whose "love" is actually some sort of unhealthy co-dependancy...we all know them...those who cannot even have an opinion or make a lunch date without first running it through their partners. Ugh.
In fact if I keep going, I'll prove to myself that the only people who stay married are the mentally ill!
I won't quibble with your stats too much. But I will say that I think that if they are true, they are more a reflection on our collective state of emotional intelligence/maturity than they are on the institutionn of marriage.
I think the thing we humans have not faced up to is that our general levels of emotional intelligence are quite low. That is why we still have so much divorce, violence, drug and alcohol addiction (and various other addictions, etc) and general lack of cooperation in our culture and the world at large. We blame all of this on marriage, but really the problem is staring most of us right in the mirror.
Has it ocurred to anyone that maybe the most of the 10% to 20% of folks who have good and long lasting marriages have a higher EQ (emotional intelligence quotient) than the rest of us and that maybe there's something we can learn from these folks? (As opposed to thinking they just won the marriage lottery).
Yes. Usually people who have good things come into their lives have taken the steps to create the environment in which those good things are attracted and flourish. But people would rather say they are lucky so they won't have to accept responsibility for why they do not have the same.
Yes. Usually people who have good things come into their lives have taken the steps to create the environment in which those good things are attracted and flourish. But people would rather say they are lucky so they won't have to accept responsibility for why they do not have the same.
Agreed and this can obviously be applied to a broad range of topics.
I have never been married, but it seems to be pretty miserable. So many married couples fight a lot. Not Newlyweds, but people who have been married for a long time. They seem to take each other for granted, and they stop doing little things to appreciate each other. Possibly worst of all, married couples hardly ever have sex!
Obviously this is not true for Everyone and there are exceptions (like every other thread ever created on the Relationships forum, its based on some Politically Incorrect Stereotyping). But marriage seems like such a miserable experience. Surely there must be some good points that i am missing. But wow, no wonder guys never want to Tie the Knot. The older I get and the more of my buddies i see getting married, the more it sounds like a Jail Sentence.
Anyway, is marriage totally overrated, or are there some good things I am missing? Could you be happy for the rest of your life having a Significant Other but not getting married? Who knows, maybe you would end up fighting less and having sex more.
It's not what it used to be.
Like jobs. There were good ones out there at one time. Benefits and all. Not anymore.
Like having kids. Used to be alot of benefits...not anymore. They just demand you give them this and that.
Times have changed. I wouldn't get married. Not worth it anymore. Don't even know why people bother. If you have no morals than just shack up once in a while with a FWB and forget about it.
Like jobs. There were good ones out there at one time. Benefits and all. Not anymore.
Like having kids. Used to be alot of benefits...not anymore. They just demand you give them this and that.
Times have changed. I wouldn't get married. Not worth it anymore. Don't even know why people bother. If you have no morals than just shack up once in a while with a FWB and forget about it.
Well, some people do have it all. That's why. It's just not most any more.
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