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Yes, there is a correlation between being lonely and alone. I will try to say the differences. I am pretty much alone. I am struggling to passing a math class right now. I plan on doing a lot of studying, it is the same class that I failed the previous semester. The only trouble is that I don't get it/if I do I forget it soon after. So I plan on doing 6 to 7 hours of studying a day. I hope that I can pass it, but I am scared. If I don't I won't have any prospect, and I mean it.
My biggest fear is that I don't have any reason to live. What is my reason? I try and fail and it seems like that is the only way my life has ever been since I can remember. The truth is that my parents don't love me as they do with my other siblings. I watch their reaction with each of them. I remember when I was in high school and we went to France together. Throughout the entire trip it only felt like I was their because I was "family". I did not talk much to any of my siblings or parents.
I can remember when we watched tv at the hotel. It was my father and I and he was having a good time watching the tv. He was laughing and everything and I felt like we were having a good time together. It was during that laugh that my father called my older brother to ask him to watch the tv with him. He kept on calling my brother until he didn't show up. So my dad got up and left to go with my brother. So I was left all alone. Recently the last time we were all together. My brother had arrived into the house. And when we went to say hi my dad had these glowing eyes. Like he was so proud that he was here. My dad tends to blow me off and always has. He looks at me and that stare. Its not of someone who loves me but of someone who views me as a burden. I never meant to be one.......
My siblings like to berate me. I remember one time when we were all out. My sister kept talking out loud so I felt like I was part of the audience. The thing is she said something that my father had disapproved of. And they go into an argument. Which lead to my dad moving away from us and my sister crying and said she was talking to my brother and mother. She left me out. That reminded me of when I was in highschool whenever we would do any group presentations. The class would say good presentation to the other group members but I was always left out. I have no one back then and I look to now I have even less.
My brother is worse. He talks down to me in public or where ever he can and so does his wife. I don't want to remember these things.
Then there is my mother. Who always when I tell her I am going. She tells me not to go because she needs someone to help her with the apartments. I feel that I do help her out and not expect anything out of it. But it does hurt me when she says that my brother and sister have always helped out whenever she needed it. And that the only reason they don't is because both are away. So she tells me if I was gone she would just have put a lawnmower in the property units so that she could mow. I believe she would. But the problem is that I am feeling she only wants me here so that she can feel like she has company. My dad is away and won't be returning in September. My mother likes to blow it in my face that I am not doing enough with my life. I feel that I had a chance to but that shot is long over.
This is not the only scenarios that has led me to believe my parents & siblings don't love me. We don't write or really talk to one another. I live in my parents house and I feel trapped. I can't go out there. I was young once and maybe I had a chance for something. But that time is over, I was 19 and young and could have made the right decision. Now I am 24 going to 25 and I am studying computer science which might not even work out if I can't pass the algebra class this summer. I am going to be screwed, I have not told my mother that I failed and she is under the impression that I passed and am taking a course in computers. I just want to go away, but I can't without having a job.
See I guess I don't mind being alone. It would not matter because I would have a job. But I can't find one that does not feel like the company is a scam. Or basically they look at me and say that I have a college degree I can't be working here. Either because I am too educated or the employees look like the hipster crowd.
As much as you thought you were young at 19, you're still young at 24. Unfortunately none of your family realizes (and neither do you) that you're a classical case of clinical depression. Millions of people suffer from it so you're not special (I know, when you're enmeshed in it it's very difficult to seek outside help!) and there are loads of opportunities available to set you to rights again.
If your computer science class is in a university setting, most universities have student counseling outreach programs available. If not, most communities offer counseling programs at little to no charge.
Pick yourself up and go seek what you need. Your family members may not be as bad as you perceive them once you get some professional help and are maybe even prescribed some temporary medications. I don't know any other way to say it other than that I feel for you and you have a fixable problem which only you can put on track. You've a whole big life ahead of you so go do what you have to do.
You've ranted and now go and do something constructive about it. Cheers and good luck!
Hang in there. I agree with the person who posted previously. 24 is still young. No, it's not 19, but what is your choice? Will you look back at 30 and lament that you didn't act now? Will you look back at 40 and do the same thing?
If you are having trouble passing an algebra class, then it's likely computer science is not a good field for you. All the programmers I know had to take several years of calculus and much harder math classes. What other fields are you interested in? Are there any trades you are interested in? Do you like to work with your hands? Hobbies?
I can sympathize with you about feeling like the odd duck in your family, but the truth is, there isn't much you can do. It doesn't sound like your family is mean to you, really, but that you just aren't really like them in temperament. That happens, even in close families. You may need to seek out friends who you have more in common with for that understanding. It may help to talk to a therapist about it, eventually when you're in a better financial situation.
Just curious - how much and how regularly are you studying? The amount of time you listed seems like it can become very unproductive - you're setting yourself up for fatigue and your brain to wander and stray off topic.
Also, math is repetative and about regularly practicing. Rather than 6 hours straight, can you do an intense 20 minutes with all distractions off, take a short 5 min break, then another 20 minutes, break, etc etc? And practice it daily..
Seek out a tutoring center if at university too, and ask what their tricks are..
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