Lazy husband- HELP! (guy, therapy, kids, call)

[oh-eve]

Green Scout - the room mate story is funny. Going on strike wouldn't do anything for me either other then living in a dirty house, most likely getting ants because of dirty dishes, trouble with the city for the high grass, overgrown sprinklers, tons of dog hair and slowly everything braking down in the house and staying that way ...

[onihC]

Originally Posted by mandavaran

I see these posts all the time and they're always the same, i.e., "husband won't help around the house, etc."

Well, when I was married, I did all the housework, the laundry, took care of the pets (we had no kids), lawnwork, most cooking (she cooked on Sunday), car maintenance, house maintenance, bookkeeping-making sure all bills were paid, etc. Even though she made quite a bit more money than I did, I always had jobs and contributed my share towards our household expenses.

Guess what? She divorced me anyway. No, I wasn't an alcoholic, an abuser, a philanderer, a sports or video games addict, etc.

The moral? Women are NEVER satisfied.

And if you complained about it as women do, you would be seen as the one with the problem.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by h886

A couple in a small house with no kids should be able to get the heavy chores done in one hour per week, provided they are not ridiculously messy on a day to day basis.

One hour a week?! Are you kidding me?! I live alone, don't have any pets, and I'm not messy. If I am to clean the whole house properly (including laundry and all), it'll take the whole weekend! I usually do one floor one weekend day; the other floor - the following weekend, so there's one day to rest and do something else. Sometimes I don't do it, but I sure as hell see the place needs cleaning, even if other people don't.

[onihC]

Maybe the husband is going through depression, is sad, got his feelings hurt, something happened in his family. How about being sweet with him?

...this is what men are told if they complain about their wife, just sayin'.

[yellowsnow]

Originally Posted by oh-eve

yellowsnow - he has NO regular chores other than taking the dog for a walk in the evening. He is NOT overwhelmed with chores.

I don't know what his mom did or not. I am pretty sure she did not fix any broken grout!


Chores for an hour/day??? Hahahahahaha, that would be a dream - that never comes true. All I am asking for is a few minutes of chores here and there - and EVEN THAT IS TOO MUCH!!!

What would be the consequence for not doing a chore??? Yelling doesn't work.

That's easy. The computer/video game console is packed up and put in the attic for a week/month/whatever you agree to do. The TV is unplugged and the cable is cancelled for a month/whatever you agree to. Same thing goes for you, if you don't do your chores, you lose something you value for an agreed upon time period.

And guess what, without the no brainer entertainment, he might be so bored that the chores will get done.

Now you have added some more information about his car/habits. I'm worried that he is more than lazy. Why does he have so little self respect? for himself and for you?

[h886]

Originally Posted by oh-eve

H886,

Please tell me, why I am hard to please?

Did you buy a brand new car that was $40,000, live on the coast where seagulls constantly poop on it and clean it once a year??? Seriously???

Automated car washes either scratch your car (my husband has a dark car and likes it to be scratch free) and the touchless one's won't take the one-year-old-bird poop off.

Leather seats crack if you park it in the sun in CA every day and never moisturize it. If you don't care, fine. But if you then want to buy a new car because you were too lazy to maintain yours, shame on you.

No, I think a $40,000 brand new car is a waste (for me based on my values) so I don't spend my money on one.

If I lived somewhere that was overrun with seagulls and I couldn't park my car inside, then it would be all the more reason I wouldn't spend $40,000 on a car.

If I had to park in the sun every day and was too lazy to moisturize the leather (I do park in the sun, and I am too lazy), then I wouldn't get a car with leather seats.

My next question, is why are you doing all these things for your husband and then trying to make a martyr out of yourself? Either do it for him because you want to, or don't do it and let him figure these things out himself.

And yes, you sound very hard to please, you sound like you spend too much time caring about things that don't really matter, and although your husband sounds very lazy, it sounds like you've made cleaning into a power struggle and now you've both dug your heels in. Mother-son marriages don't work.

[robee70]

Originally Posted by h886

Eh, I am on the fence with this one. On the one hand, your husband sounds like a lazy slob. On the other, you sound very demanding, too uptight, and likely hard to please.

And yes, I am a woman. I get it.

Some of the things you are listing sound important. But some of them sound ridiculous. Moisturizing the leather in his car? I've never done that. Washing the car and sweeping the garage? I rarely wash my car (maybe once a year) and it's driving through the automated car wash only when it's like alarmingly dirty. I sweep the garage maybe twice a year. Keeping the yard looking good is fine if that's your hobby, but it's not the end of the world if it's not done. Have you considered that part of the problem may be that you're such a nagging perfectionist that he knows he can never please you, that it will never be clean enough, that if you had your way the two of you would spend hours every day cleaning--and so he just gives up?

A couple in a small house with no kids should be able to get the heavy chores done in one hour per week, provided they are not ridiculously messy on a day to day basis. I would suggest that you approach him, ask for one hour of his time ONLY, give him a list and ask him to start. Ask him if you two can clean hard for one hour, then relax and do something fun he wants to. See if that helps.

Or, you can leave him. But you said you didn't want to do this. Probably he's not going to change that much as long as you keep going the way you have. Do his good qualities make up for the bad? Does he tolerate your bad qualities? I used to get annoyed by socks on the ground and toilet paper rolls that weren't replaced (how hard is that?) and then I realized that I have a pretty great husband. If one of us was to die tomorrow, I would want to know that we spent the last day enjoying each other and all the good things life has to offer, not fussing over socks or toilet paper.

Life is short. Not everyone is blessed with good health. Keep your eyes on the big picture.

I completely agree with this.

Moisturizing his car seats and washing his car once a week? Have you ever questioned why you feel these things NEED to be done, and by you no less?

Someone mentioned Ann Landers, I'm reminded of Erma Bombeck. She said, "No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed."

He just may be a lazy bum but he may also be doing this on principle when he refuses to cave in to your dictating his free time with a list that includes moisturizing the car seats. Either way, he's being immature and passive-aggressive, but he also may not know how to handle your demands and expectations.

I suggest you go to him and instead of starting the conversation with "You don't" or "You aren't", start by admitting that you may have gone overboard but that you would like to reach an agreement of a reasonable division of basic housework. If part of that agreement is that each of you is responisble for their own laundry, then it's his problem if he's re-wearing his dirty underwear, not yours.

I think you have to try do that and wait to see if he changes of his own free will or just leave. One thing is for sure. He has no incentive to change if you end up doing all these things yourself.

[oh-eve]

Kinkytoes, yes, these are our personalities - I do everything that needs to be done asap and expect him to do at least a little bit within a reasonable period of time. I gave up on hoping that he sees when something breaks but still hoped he fixes it when I ask him to.

He doesn't do anything and hopes I don't notice.

- I have no problem with gardening. But every now and then something is too heavy to carry or cut or there is something with the sprinklers and he has to help out for a few minutes. And every now and then the computer breaks down, a door handle breaks, a frame squeeks, the car sounds weird, and I just NEED A GUY.

The dog is my baby and stays more likely than the husband.

Book lover - where are men like that?

I seem to only look for and find men that have problems and don't appreciate me. Most of my female friends are not as nice to their husbands as I am but get loved much more.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by oh-eve

There is a crack in the grout sealing and I asked him WEEKS AGO to fix it. Did not do it. I put a note there. Did not do it. Tons of excuses, but at the same time, BORED OUT OF HIS MIND. I asked and asked, fights over fight. It would have taken him just 5-10 minutes to do it. I would have done it myself as EVERYTHING ELSE but I did not know how to. I just told him again and he said, if I wouldn't be at home all day, I wouldn't see it.

Oh, once I read about a cure for this one which I believe will work. Ask another man to help you with it (preferably not family) - he'll jump like Speedy Gonzales and get it done because of not wanting another man on his turf threatening his masculinity.

[yellowsnow]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

Oh, once I read about a cure for this one which I believe will work. Ask another man to help you with it (preferably not family) - he'll jump like Speedy Gonzales and get it done because of not wanting another man on his turf threatening his masculinity.

I like this one!