I can't deal with this anymore... (dating, boyfriend, women, love)

[CruisingUSA]

Every weekend I feel like this. It never fails. Every single weekend I end up near tears at some point in the weekend because of how awful this place is for a single Black person in this city trying to date.

I have not gone out in over a month until tonight. I was out of the state for 2 weeks researching other areas to live. I was checking out the Pacific northwest.

I came back, changed my attitude put a smile of my face and tried to move on from how I felt LAST month. But nope, it's still the same. I have been chatting with someone now for over a month now and he still can't seem to get around to meeting.

Another guy, we've been chatting online nearly 2 months...and he hasn't even moved forward with exchanging his numbers.

I go out tonight...hoping to meet new people, and the same result that has been happening nearly every weekend but the once in a blue few happens: I don't meet anyone here! Atleast no one who actually wants to move things beyond small talk.

I'm just so tired of trying to date in this place. Much less even meet anybody. OKAY maybe dating is not in the cards. But damn can't you atleast get to know me? People always want to say, "oh it's not about race..it's you." But I think it clearly is. People here in Denver are so used to pale faces and Tacos that anything other than that is foreign to them. And when I as a Black person attempt to integrate with the scene here, it falls flat over, and over again. I pick up on these subtle things all the time. It's easy to say it's not...you're not in my shoes. If you're White or Half White and Black, you cannot tell me that you don't notice it. Because you WON'T notice it. Or maybe you do notice it and can tell me all about it. But you can't say I'm making this up is what I meant.

I just don't have faith anymore. I've tried and I've tried to make things happen here but after 8 months, I still haven't met a single steady friend or boyfriend material since I've been here. I have never had that issue in other cities.

I know I keep talking about the same thing every week, but the same thing every week keeps presenting itself. It's like all week long I forget about it or don't think about it...but when the weekend comes around and I'm still alone, still struggling to make decent connections with people around here...the cycle just continues. Over and over and over. I'm thru with it.

Like I've said 50 million times, there is no reason that someone as attractive as me can't meet any decent people out here to date. I'm not trying to brag or anything, but it's just the reality of the facts. It shouldn't.

For people who do claim to be, or see people who are Black here and in decent relationships...I just wonder. I really do. Like I see it myself and think, how long have they lived here or where did they move from? Because this **** is ridiculous. I haven't even come remotely close to finding anyone in this town who comes close to my caliber who is willing to make something happen. I'm excluding booty calls as well. That doesn't count. If that's the best I can get around here then something is wrong. I should be able to get better than that. I know I can get better than that. But I'm not sure if I can get better than that here.

But I'm done. Faith of a mustard seed is too much out here. Just like I said...this place is based on favoritism. If there's a Latin or White guy who 'seems' to be interested in getting to know me, and if I'm (a Black person) is compared between another White or Latin guy (which makes up most of Denver's population anyway) then I feel like I'm always last pick. Because that's exactly what I've been noticing around here. Like why I have to be secondary? I deserve to be on 1st base but they'll never see that here.

Originally Posted by jerzdefector

The meetup.org site is brimming with groups and activities as well.

I've tried that...but the premise is still the same: A disproportionate amount of White folks and I'm the only Black person there. Nothing against it and I still
attend and I'm all about interracial, but after awhile when I keep immersing myself in situations that have little or no possibility of meeting MY goal...I lose interest. It's like out of 50 attendees, 49 are White and only 1 happens to be interested in dating a Black person. What the hell kind of odds is that? And that's the 1 person who ain't even my type. It's the typical scenario everywhere I go in this town. That's why I'm ****ing sick of going out around here. I'm OVER IT!!!!!!!!

[OakAve2OakLand]

Dude, if this whole dating / relationship thing is so important to you...and it obviously is...then why not move (if you are able) to a place where you're odds as a gay black man are better? Denver and the middle of the country in general are not exactly known for their diversity. I'm sure there are a great number of cities near both coasts that would be more amenable to your situation.

Without knowing the other details of your situation, or what your (general) preferences and priorities are when it come to choosing a place to live....I would say, ie....Oakland is extremely diverse and tolerant, so is LA. On the other coast, DC, Raleigh-Durham, Atlanta, even Charleston, SC are just a few of the places that come to mind when I consider your situation. Again, I haven't researched all your past posts...so I don't know what your experience is with any of these places...just tossing out a few ideas. As for Denver, it may be a fantastic place to live for a lot of reasons...but yeah, it may be a little too white bread for you.

The other thought I had...before you "throw in the towel" on Denver...is, as the old country song (later covered by Buckwheat) says: maybe you're looking for love in all the wrong places? Are you just hitting the bars and clubs to meet people? Have you tried other activity and interest groups? Any connections through work, church, apartment complex, neighborhood socials? How about volunteering? Good, quality people often volunteer their time for a cause that they are passionate about (animal welfare, shelters, and rescues in my case)... I have met some fantastic people that way...one of whom I am currently dating. But I didn't go into that situation with the intention of scamming on some hot, dog-loving chick...I went into it with an honest desire to spend a little bit of my time trying to improve the quality of life for shelter dogs, and guess what...she found me. And she's way cool, and yeah, pretty cute too. See what I mean?

The last thing is: maybe you're actually trying too hard? I don't care what your race, gender, or sexual orientation is...potential mates (even new friends) can smell desperation a mile away. Maybe just let go of your obsession with dating for a short time, or focus on just enjoying life and being (otherwise) happy? Surely, you're not so 1-dimensional that dating is the only thing that could possibly bring joy to your life? Maybe the people who you want in your life will find you as they see you just enjoying life...and not bringing added weight or pressure into every new social opportunity.

In fact...if you're really craving a deep bond with a new, loyal friend - get a dog! (or cat, for that matter...and please consider the shelters and rescues first, if you do). It may sound like I'm joking, but I'm not. Walking your dog / going to the park etc...also happens to be a great way to socialize and meet new people in a low-pressure environment, maybe even a strike up a new relationship with someone special, who knows.

It also takes time, so maybe quit obsessing about what did or didn't happen on any particular night. In a word... chill ...my friend. You seem like a ball of anxiety. Just based on how you come across on these forums...if I met you at a party or a bar or whatever, IDK I might want to avoid you too, but not because you're black, or gay, or any of the things you mention. Relax. It will happen for you on life's schedule, not yours.

Bottom line: If you've honestly given something a fair shot (see above 2 paragraphs), and for whatever reason it's still just not working for you, then yes, it is probably time to make a change. Constantly whining about the current situation is certainly not going to help anything...if you know in your heart that it's time to make a change, then just do it. Make it happen, and you'll be glad you did.

There's certainly no shame in it (making a change to improve your situation)...imo, the only shame is is knowing when something isn't working and deciding to stay stuck in that situation anyway.

Good luck to you.

[Mike from back east]

I know I can speak for many of our regulars on here in that we truly are sorry that someone isn't enjoying a city that most do enjoy.

Perhaps the OP would like me to move this to the relationship forum, as that seems a better place to express such personal feelings and seek advice from many others who I know are there with support. If so, the OP can send me a DM to that effect, or use the "report bad post" icon in the upper right corner (triangular icon) and ask any mod to move it for you.

Meanwhile, I need to respectfully close this thread as I take a fairly narrow view of what a re-location forum is all about. Matters of personal relationships can be disappointing in any city, Denver seems no exception, and we all wish the OP the very best.

EDIT: Thread re-opened and moved to Relationships in hope of gaining the OP some advice.

[Mike from back east]

I've moved this thread here from the Denver forum in hopes that the regulars here can provide some advice to the OP.

Thank you!

[ElysianEagle]

Originally Posted by CruisingUSA

I have never had that issue in other cities.

as a person of color myself, i can definitely identify with much of what you've mentioned in your post.

that said, you've already stated that you've had better experiences elsewhere. the fact that you've made this thread indicates to me that this is an issue of some import to you (perfectly reasonable too). so, unless you have no choice but to remain in Denver, why don't you just move?

i moved cities and my dating life definitely improved.

wish you the best.

[desertsun41]

Seems you are playing a lot of weight on the race card. Hasn't that gone out of style or out vogue? Oh well old habits don't die easy. It was hard to read between the lines. You failed to offer some details but others have guessed gay, male and female. I'm not sure which you are. I don't believe you ever went to a meetup.com get together as you claim. I am a meetup organizer and I just did a check in Denver with the simple keyword "black" and my computer screen lit up the night sky. You have all kinds of choices of events, gatherings and clubs where you can be comfortable with those more like you.

Good luck and I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for.

[Ulysses61]

There are plenty of white folks who ain't getting any love either. Why make this a race thing? Seriously. I just totally turned off of your message the moment you interjected "black" in the equation. I would do the same thing if someone else interjected "white, Asian, purple, mixed, Mexican, Russian, Eurasian" into the message.

So blame your race on why you can't get laid. Maybe you're a 500 pound unemployed cyclops with AIDS, lousy credit and acne all over your body... consider that's the reason you can't get a date, not because you're black.

[The Siobhan]

Hold on, race is a relevant issue when it comes to dating. People may publicly put on a face that they approve of interracial dating and that they would be open to it, but they usually have a very narrow view of what they would find attractive in someone of another race. I think it is rather sad that we are so uncomfortable and so ashamed to discuss race that we can't open our mind to the possibility that there are people who wouldn't date someone outside of their race, and that there are still places in the States where it is not viewed as acceptable.

As to the OP, I lived in Boulder for a short spell and I was approached by Black men, Latino men, and White men. I remember standing at a bus stop and having a car full of Latino men stop in front of me and cat-call. It was a new experience for me as I grew up mostly in the midwest and it wasn't common to see Latinos with Black women. Then again, I don't think Denver or Boulder have that large of a Black population. Back when I was in Boulder, there was only one woman who did Black hair.

I don't mean to come off as harsh but you described White men as "pale faces" and Latinos as "tacos", could it be that it is your demeanor that is chasing people away? I'm an attractive person (I've been told) but there have been periods in my life when something shut down in me and it scared off men who may have been interested in me. It was just this attitude that I was giving off, but I had no idea that I was giving it off. I really think this may be the case with you.

[HurricaneDC]

Try DC, Atlanta, LA...

[blondiel]

Stop whining and get some therapy to help build your self esteem. Many people don't have relationships all of the time, but they don't sit home and whine weekend after weekend. As others have suggested, involve yourself in some activities that you enjoy. You may find friends with common interests. It doesn't matter about race. You appear to be desperate for a relationship. People pick up on that and shy away.

By the way, using "pale faces" and "tacos" in reference to race ain't cool. You come across as being very narrow minded and a little short in the intellect area.