Is alimony a dealbreaker? (dating, married, women, loving)
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OK, here goes. I hope this doesn't turn into a gender bashing thread, so try to keep it civil, mmmkay?
I recently went on vacation with a guy friend who is going through a divorce. He's been dealing with this for several years already and it should be final in a few more weeks, unless his soon to be ex throws up yet another roadblock. They have no kids together, but she is disabled and cannot work (and apparently didn't have AFLAC ). She was not in this condition when they first got married, it happened afterwards. Anyway, the bottom line is that after just about 10 years of marriage, she will be getting half his military retirement and heaven knows how much per month in alimony. He will have to support her the rest of her life. There were a number of things contributing to their divorce, but the main one was that she was mentally unstable and emotionally abusive towards my friend. She has dragged out the divorce proceedings and pretty much wiped out any savings my friend ever had. He will be starting from scratch once this divorce is done, and will probably have a crappy credit report to go along with the rest of the mess she has caused.
So ladies, would you date a guy in this situation? (No, I am not dating him - he and I are incompatible in lots of ways that have nothing to do with finances but he is a good friend.) I'm just curious if a guy paying alimony would be a dealbreaker for anyone? He does have a good career and should be able to get back on his feet, just as long as she doesn't keep dragging him back to court for more money. I don't really know how that works - if a guy is paying a certain amount for alimony can it be adjusted if he gets a higher paying job? What happens if he loses his job and has no income?
Just wondering.
I care a great deal for this guy and think it sucks that his future relationship chances might be harmed because of this one vindictive woman.
And just to be clear, I have several girl friends who were royally screwed over by their ex-husbands and ended up struggling to raise kids on their own with zero financial help from their exes - so this is an issue where both men and women can be the "bad guy". I'm specifically asking if alimony is a dating dealbreaker for anyone?
While I personally understand the difficulties post divorce, this situation would be a total deal breaker for me. I want someone unencumbered with kids and nasty ex'es. It's a situation you can work around if you're dead serious about being with him but I wouldn't touch someone like that with a 10ft bargepole.
Knew of a situation in SoCal where a guy was a well-paid engineer and married a Russian woman. They didn't have their own kids. He married her with one kid - from a previous marriage, that she could then stay home and take care of. He did NOT adopt this kid. When they divorced, he had to pay out a huge settlement because she had interrupted her real estate "career." She sold houses, for God's sake. Just go find a desk in a realtor's office. At the time, the O.C. was hopping.
This guy has since remarried. To a childless woman. They're still together.
Last edited by robertpolyglot; 05-06-2012 at 12:29 PM..
OK, here goes. I hope this doesn't turn into a gender bashing thread, so try to keep it civil, mmmkay?
I recently went on vacation with a guy friend who is going through a divorce. He's been dealing with this for several years already and it should be final in a few more weeks, unless his soon to be ex throws up yet another roadblock. They have no kids together, but she is disabled and cannot work (and apparently didn't have AFLAC ). She was not in this condition when they first got married, it happened afterwards. Anyway, the bottom line is that after just about 10 years of marriage, she will be getting half his military retirement and heaven knows how much per month in alimony. He will have to support her the rest of her life. There were a number of things contributing to their divorce, but the main one was that she was mentally unstable and emotionally abusive towards my friend. She has dragged out the divorce proceedings and pretty much wiped out any savings my friend ever had. He will be starting from scratch once this divorce is done, and will probably have a crappy credit report to go along with the rest of the mess she has caused.
So ladies, would you date a guy in this situation? (No, I am not dating him - he and I are incompatible in lots of ways that have nothing to do with finances but he is a good friend.) I'm just curious if a guy paying alimony would be a dealbreaker for anyone? He does have a good career and should be able to get back on his feet, just as long as she doesn't keep dragging him back to court for more money. I don't really know how that works - if a guy is paying a certain amount for alimony can it be adjusted if he gets a higher paying job? What happens if he loses his job and has no income?
Just wondering.
I care a great deal for this guy and think it sucks that his future relationship chances might be harmed because of this one vindictive woman.
And just to be clear, I have several girl friends who were royally screwed over by their ex-husbands and ended up struggling to raise kids on their own with zero financial help from their exes - so this is an issue where both men and women can be the "bad guy". I'm specifically asking if alimony is a dating dealbreaker for anyone?
Well. If it was the woman that had to pay out to her disabled ex husband and she met a new man, he wouldn't even make a pit stop in her neck of the woods. They wouldn't even date the woman if she had 1 or 2 kids that weren't biologically the new guy's let alone this conundrum. Don't you read the threads? They don't make exceptions for these types of women with atypical situations, so I don't see any reason to do them any favors either in this area....
So long as my state could not use my income to calculate the ex's alimony, it would not be a deal-breaker. It varies by state if a new spouse's income gets counted or not.
Knew of a situation in SoCal where a guy was a well-paid engineer and married a Russian woman. They didn't have their own kids. He married her with one kid - from a previous marriage, that she could then stay home and take care of. He did NOT adopt this kid. When they divorced, he had to pay out a huge settlement because she had interrupted her real estate "career." She sold houses, for God's sake. Just go find a desk in a realtor's office. At the time, the O.C. was hopping.
This guy has since remarried. To a childless woman. They're still together.
A few questions...
Did they discuss her staying home with the child and was he in agreement with this?
If I'm not mistaken, realtors have to keep their license current. Did he have to pay alimony until she could get her license current or did it continue beyond that?
Would a receiptionist job in a realtors office pay enough for her to support herself? I can't imagine it would.
IF my husband ever left me (pretty certain that is a big if), I would absolutely ask for alimony until I could get myself on my feet (meaning get a job that I could support myself and my kids AND be able to find a decent place to live).
I have an expired teaching license. I can't just pop back into a classroom and start teaching again. We decided together that I would stay home with the kids...and actually I went back to work and it was such an issue for him that I am home again. Fine by me...I wasn't doing brain surgery or anything important anyway. However, if he left me...yeah he'd have to pay up until I could get my license up-to-date and find employment.
Take into consideration that there is a hiring freeze on teachers in my area (and there has been over the last 2yrs) and it might be cheaper to just pay for a new degree.
But yup...I'd absolutely expect that.
Your friend is not paying child support, he's paying to get her on her feet.
Now, I don't always agree with alimony. If the leaving party cheats or decides they just don't have that loving feeling anymore and they leave...then leave with no expectations of receiving alimony.
My other half works with someone in a similar situation. The guy has been engaged for several years and he and his fiancee will probably never get married. Why? Because his fiancee makes a nice piece of change, herself, and they know that if they get married, his ex will get the idea in her head to come after him for more money because then he could "afford" it. What she has already gotten isn't enough for the greedy beyotch--and believe me, what she has already gotten is quite a bit. Typical Long Island "princess," and you can infer from that what you wish.
I know, I know... I shouldn't say it but I'm surprised the guy wants anything to do with women at all. One vindictive woman is putting it mildly.
TT, you must be a very special lady (I knew that).
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). She was not in this condition when they first got married, it happened afterwards. Anyway, the bottom line is that after just about 10 years of marriage, she will be getting half his military retirement and heaven knows how much per month in alimony. He will have to support her the rest of her life. There were a number of things contributing to their divorce, but the main one was that she was mentally unstable and emotionally abusive towards my friend. She has dragged out the divorce proceedings and pretty much wiped out any savings my friend ever had. He will be starting from scratch once this divorce is done, and will probably have a crappy credit report to go along with the rest of the mess she has caused.
