Just found out my husband watches porn pretty much everyday (alcohol, personal)

[R.P. McMurphy]

Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth

Let's sum up. Maybe that'll help the OP get clarity.

She's married to a guy who:

-- Doesn't give her foreplay on the relatively rare occasions they do have sex, thereby denying her pleasure.
-- Masturbates to porn daily, claiming he can't get it up any other way, thereby denying her pleasure again.
-- Tells her she needs to get breast implants in order for him to get aroused.
-- Tells her she's wasting her time in making efforts to pursue graduate education to improve their life and her income.
-- Tells her she'll never achieve anything.
-- Isn't interested in seeking employment, and appears to be unemployable, due to attitude problems at prior workplace.
-- Blames all his past ex-es for the failure of the relationships, and blames the OP for the current problems.
-- Had girlfriends on the side when he and OP were dating, and convinced her that was his right.

Did I miss anything? And yet the OP still turns to this person for love and support? And apologizes to him for what, exactly?

How much more of this do you want to take, OP? This guy isn't going to transform into a different person. Take a good, hard look at this. Are you aware that there are guys out there who would love you and be supportive of your interest in graduate school? Guys who couldn't wait to get you into bed every night and give you what you need? Guys who would be fun, smart, hard-working, adoring and affectionate? You could have that in your life, but not from the guy you're with now.

The choice is yours. You can choose between misery and drama, or happiness and a normal, stable life. Kind of a no-brainer, isn't it?

yes you missed something, you only have her side of the story which seems more suspect with each post from her. you cats went on arguing for 43 pages and she is no closer to a resolution then when she started this thread.

[Katnan]

Originally Posted by R.P. McMurphy

yes you missed something, you only have her side of the story which seems more suspect with each post from her. you cats went on arguing for 43 pages and she is no closer to a resolution then when she started this thread.

Only she knows the truth, so she can take from our posts what she wants. And we're just a bunch of strangers on the internet, so I would hope she doesn't make sudden and life-altering decisions because "we" told her to.

[R.P. McMurphy]

Originally Posted by TiltheEndofTime

Sorry. Long thread and just trying to give some advice.

no need to apologize, you didn't miss much, mostly bickering and amateur pop-pyschology at work. I don't think there is anything in the rule book that states you have to read all 43 pages and every post in between in order to contribute your thoughts. that's just something people say when they disagree with you and want to shut you up

[moonsavvy]

Originally Posted by its21Century

I've been listening to him for so long, that now I start to wonder if I am indeed too sensitive. He says "your feelings are always hurt no matter what I do; you are just too insecure about anything".

Oh dear. This sounds so much like my first marriage. This guy is emotionally abusive and a threat to your well-being. You have two choices: leave or go to a counselor. Staying where you are will only insure more confusion and heartache.

Take care of yourself.

[sarahdeanne]

Originally Posted by R.P. McMurphy

no need to apologize, you didn't miss much, mostly bickering and amateur pop-pyschology at work. I don't think there is anything in the rule book that states you have to read all 43 pages and every post in between in order to contribute your thoughts. that's just something people say when they disagree with you and want to shut you up

I don't read every post on every thread I post on, but the problem is you tend to come in with an idea that's been discussed to death already and when enough people do that it makes the thread twice as many pages as it would need to be.

What else do you find on any forum thread besides ameture opinions based on life experience?

[Coolhand68]

Originally Posted by sarahdeanne

I don't read every post on every thread I post on, but the problem is you tend to come in with an idea that's been discussed to death already and when enough people do that it makes the thread twice as many pages as it would need to be.

What else do you find on any forum thread besides ameture opinions based on life experience?

The ones most guilty of "beating a topic to death" are often the regulars who repeat themselves over and over again with endless paragraphs and having to get the last word on everything. More than half the pages on this thread alone were probably a result of three or four posters who made their point, argued their point, repeated their point, and then gave one another a pat on the back for agreeing with one another while dismissing everyone elses point of view. The same pattern gets repeated in various threads.

[raison_d'etre]

Originally Posted by its21Century

Does anyone know any articles I can print out and show my husband about the negative effects of watching porn?

He obviously thinks porn is his medicine and he's doing ME a favor by watching porn. If I can't convince him to go to therapy, I wanted to at least show him some authoritative articles of doctors' findings that watching porn is damaging, not beneficial.

Porn isn't going to have any standard negative effects. For some it can harm a relationship or end one. For me, It didn't really effect our relationship. I was just as loving as I am now. You could probably find articles claiming the negative effects, but they will vary person to person.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by R.P. McMurphy

yes you missed something, you only have her side of the story which seems more suspect with each post from her. you cats went on arguing for 43 pages and she is no closer to a resolution then when she started this thread.

Actually, we havent been arguing. Nearly all of us are on the same page. Have you read the thread?

[mojow]

Originally Posted by its21Century

He's been refusing to go to a counselor or see a doctor. Now he claims he only "suspected" his testosterone level was low, not that "it was necessarily true", therefore he doesn't need a doctor. Last night I hurt my knee at the gym and can't walk downstairs, so I stayed home all day, without being able to see the counselor.

I wouldn't divorce anyone over porn addiction, but there are just so many things that I now don't even know what to do anymore. Despite the fact I make all the money, I feel like worthless and I have to come hug him, say sorry to him. Sometimes I don't even know why I say sorry.

I'm working full time and making the money. I decided to take a test to prepare for a MBA program I wanted to get in, so I paid the test fee and studied for it. I didn't really studied hard enough, so now my no-income husband is telling me everyday that all I do is waste my time. He tells me I will never achieve anything and shame on me. I don't know how to argue with him, I'm the one making the money and I'm also the one who "hasn't done anything".

He expects me to go out and make his business work, and tells me "you go to work, then you network for the business, how hard is that??"

Am I the crazy person here? I'm starting to feel like I'm the cause of his failure.

21C... I'm feeling your pain. I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic for a while now. Addicts have a few things in common.

One of those things is diversion. Do you ever feel like you try to bring up one issue you'd like to discuss and before you know it, he's responded in a way that, instead of responding to the main issue, brought in 3 more issues? And did it in a way that was somewhat of an attack OR that made himself to be the victim?

After awhile, one simple feeling or concern you had becomes buried in a long trail of more questions and confusion regarding his over the top reactions? And before you know it... where there was 1 issue... now there are 5. The biggest issue becomes how he chose to disregard true communication with the first issue.

I've done exactly what you've done. If his response to a concern I have is just to tell me I'm "being a pain in the ass", being "a little girl", and/or treat me as though I should feel guilty because I've made him a victim somehow..... then that leaves me to find an alternate way to communicate.

But with a guy that doesn't want to work with you to find an answer to something that affects you in the relationship, no way of communication will work.

If my initial communication was calmly explaining that I'm anguished and need him to clarify his behavior/feelings about something, then he easily gives me an answer that doesn't address the point and immediately after responding, he diverts attention to something casual... like "hey, american idol is on tonight and ....". In that way he leaves the conversation and if I try to go back to it, he shows irritation. Everything he says from that point on is to make me leave it alone.

The answer to a smooth running ship is to not visit any areas that he doesn't want to discuss.

My relationship with him has caused me to redefine what I require a relationship to be. I am willing to give what I think I should receive. If he has a concern, I'm more than willing to validate this feelings by talking to him. BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT HOW HE FEELS.

We can't be on the same page without trying to understand what's going on with each other. We aren't separate inside a marriage or relationship.

I would love to give the advice to put your full focus on you and your health (mental, emotional, spiritual) and do what's best. Seek things that are UPLIFTING to you and your spirit. People and things that are encouraging and supportive. Things that recognize YOUR VALUE.

You are valuable and need to be surrounded by the people that see it.

I haven't followed my own advice and don't know why it's so difficult not to. Has something to do with giving him a major part of myself and thinking he is who I thought it was... if things could just be aligned.

But it's draining me, sticking around, hoping I can find the key. Because I'm denying my own needs and my own self, and the more I deny me, the less of me I have.

And btw.... it's extremely difficult to be starved sexually/intimately. I was soooo irritable from those needs not being fullfilled. Irritable and tense physically, and confused and sad emotionally. It's no fun to dress up and think you're going to seduce the one you love... and he's more interested in filling out reports on the computer that can wait till the next day. And he never initiates. And you get rejected 5 times out of 6. And the 6th time, you don't know if he did it just to shut you up. And even worse... is when he begins to get MAD at you for wanting that from him! WHat???

Yep. Mine also said he has a low sex drive and I found porn on his puter and phone. My question to him was... if you have no sex drive why search porn. He said he was trying to spark his drive. There are things that make me feel he DOESN'T have a low sex drive. And then becomes the slippery slope of trying to find the answers. Feeling compelled to do some detective work because open discussion is being rejected. It's a slippery slope because it is almost impossible to understand how someone feels and thinks if THEY WONT TELL US.

And people will say, every one deserves their privacy. I believe that. But in a relationship, we need to know who we're with. Why would we want to be with someone we don't really know?? We should be able to openly discuss our views and feelings. WHO THEY ARE shouldn't be considered something PRIVATE NOT TO BE SHARED. If I'm with someone who begins to feel he isn't understanding me or something about me??? I'm not going to leave him with that type of question mark. I will more than meet him halfway trying to help him understand what's going on with me. I deserve the same in return.

I'm learning that it's much more exhausting to try to understand what someone doesn't want to explain, than it is just to realize that I have only this day to live each day... do I want to find what IS right or just keep trying to make that square peg fit into a round whole.

If some day he wakes up and becomes who I thought he was and comes to me, then so be it. But right now, it's not right at all for me. It's damaging. I don't think we're born to sit there while someone slices us up emotionally. If we were given a choice to go over to a person that was going to hacksaw off our arm, or go to over to another person who was going to recognize our worth, we'd obviously choose an uplifting environment.

I wonder why we feel guilty if we leave. It shouldn't matter if the person with the hacksaw is a decent person that just has some issues and doesn't realize he's sawing away. The end result is our damage. Why do we discount it and put saving them first?

[mojow]

I know I said a lot... but I just thought too of how honesty plays into things. I believe that people who know who they are and can be open about it... don't really lie. They aren't compelled to lie. I guess unless they're calling in sick to work.

But the more I see the kind of people that lie, it seems like it's people who can't face things that are wrong inside themselves, and they HAVE to lie to themselves and every one else. A self protection. And being KNOWN is the LAST thing they want.

If they've told me 3 lies that I caught, its safe to say they've deceptive in other areas. Some people never face the part of themselves that they hide from themselves. If they've never examined their own value system, how can they truly understand and discuss any one else's value system?

Being in a relationship with a liar makes the shared value system have indistinct lines. You don't know what's real and what's not.

When one person doesn't WANT to be understood, and the other person works harder to get him to open up... it starts being a habit that results in - he never has to put thought into her side or how she's feeling. He spends his energy blocking her efforts to get "inside his head". One way to make her words have less meaning is to dwindle her down to being nothing more than "insecure".

In the end, she becomes invisible to him as a person, her value system doesn't matter, her feelings don't matter, and she's discredited as having a valid concern that they need to discuss.

This is how I experience my relationship, maybe not true for others....