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I told him we need some counseling. His reply was "let me tell you something. EVERY MAN watches porn ALL THE TIME, they just don't tell you. I'm not going to let a counselor tell me what to do, cuz that guy probably watches porn all the time too, he just hides it well."
What do i do with someone who isnt willing to go to counseling? Is that a sign of failure in my marriage?
Maybe every man does watch porn, a lot us do, but the comments and attitude are the real problem here.
A question for guys on here: how often do you watch porn?
I'm totally okay with my partner watching porn, but probably not EVERYDAY
And I don't know how expense the medical procedure to check testosterone level is...I suggested my husband go see a doctor but he replied "do you even know how much it will cost? You think we can afford that?" He said watching porn is just a cheaper way to help him medically. If it's less than several hundred dollars to visit a doctor for that, then I think we can afford it.
I told him we need some counseling. His reply was "let me tell you something. EVERY MAN watches porn ALL THE TIME, they just don't tell you. I'm not going to let a counselor tell me what to do, cuz that guy probably watches porn all the time too, he just hides it well."
What do i do with someone who isnt willing to go to counseling? Is that a sign of failure in my marriage?
I couldn't honestly tell you the last time I watched porn. It has probably been at least three months, so no, not all guys watch porn all the time (although the consensus around here is that most guys admit watching it occasionally). Daily? Not many that have a real woman in their lives.
Regarding your second question, the short answer is yes.
I have been staying home packing stuff for the past week since I will be relocated to another state next month. My husband has just started his own business, so he works from at home all the time. I accidentally used his computer and clicked on the browsing history today. To my surprise (I always thought my husband watched porn ONCE IN A WHILE when I WAS NOT AROUND), my husband got on porn websites every chance he got. From Monday to today, both of us had been home all the time, and the only time he was left alone was when I spent an hour and half at the gym everyday. Well, he fully utilized my gym time to watch porn obviously. I'm feeling really hurt by his actions. When I tried to sit down and talk about it with him, he said he "thinks" he has always had some chemical imbalance and that he has to watch porn to help his testosterone. According to him, in order for him to function in the bedroom, he has to watch porn to build it up --it's something he's always been doing even before we met each other. He said he very rarely finishes by watching porn -it's just some tool he uses to make him perform better sexually.We've always had fights about sex - I need sex at least every other day, whereas he always says he can't do it often and the most he can do is probably three times a week. I felt I've given up my sexual preference/needs to be with him because I loved who he is, not how much sex we could have. But now, I'm just discovering maybe he does need sex every day, he just doesn't want to do it with me everyday. He said he's completely happy with the way I look and the way I act in the bedroom, but he did tell me that he thinks my breasts are too small and some augmentation will be needed. I know I have small breast but I didn't know it was such a big deal. Now I'm feeling very insecure because I just feel like my husband isn't as attracted to me as I thought due to the size of my breasts. I'm working full time to pay our bills because my husband's new business is not generating any revenue. How could I change my breasts size when I can't afford it? I feel like to tell me that my breasts are too small-- knowing there's nothing we can do about--is basically the same as I tell my husband that all my ex boyfriends had a bigger penis and I wish his were as big. We just got married couple of months ago. If I feel this unattractive already, I don't know what's going to happen later on...
Should I be concerned about him watching porn? Is it weird that now, all of a sudden, I'm feeling very insecure about the size of my breasts?
Since you have opened "Pandoras Box" (his computer history) and have let out all the information on his porn watching, I think now you both have to deal with it together. Men do watch porn and it is not abnormal, but it does sound like he is too obsessed with it. Because you "caught him" and he didn't tell you about it himself, he is trying to flip the guilt of it all over to you by saying your breasts are inadequate for him. Using a reverse guilt trip on you is not going to change the fact that he has an ISSUE with watching too much porn. If his sex drive is too low and he feels he needs a boost then why doesn't he go the Viagra route instead of the crap on the computer? I do think your husband should talk to someone about his addiction with porn because that is just what this sounds like. Don't worry about the size of your breasts! This is not why he is watching the porn and he is trying to make you feel guilty to take the guilt off himself. There are lots of small breasted women out there who have wonderful marriages. Yes, you could tell him that he has a small penis and your exes had much larger ones...why though? It would just keep this argument going and would not solve anything. I am wondering if this working from home thing is merely a cover for him to get into the porn more. Ask him if he perhaps might have had an issue at his former job with watching porn and got fired and thus the business from home. That would be my first concern. Get some counseling as a couple and perhaps something can be done to keep you two together. Good luck with this...sad that you are newlyweds and are dealing with this now.
It does sound like perhaps a marriage counselor or some kind of intermediate between you to help facilitate discussion is warranted in this case. There are more issues coming to light in your words than the one you actually came to talk about. Many of them seem like communication failures. These include, but are not limited to:
1) So it was no accident but a premeditated snooping endeavor to find out what he was "up to". This is not healthy at all. Going behind your partner to snoop and spy on their movements and actions is systematic of deeper communication problems between you.
2) You say you “fight” about sex and this too suggests communication issues. It should not be a fighting issue – it should be one you are able to communicate about. You need to make clear your needs and limits. He needs to make clear his needs and limits. And you then have to work together to see if there is a way to meet them both. This is something to be done TOGETHER and as much work has to be done by him as by you. And by you as by him.
3) While I have no objections to pornography on any level – any kind of addiction is dangerous. Be it alcohol – reading and writing on forums – or porn. If he is using pornography to excess – to the point it is impacting negatively on your lives such as his income - than this could be the signs of addiction and might even warrant addiction counseling and other assistance.
4) You should not edit your appearance for him. Be who you are and who you are happy being in yourself. It is up to him – not you – to decide if he finds you attractive or not. If he does not then this is not the guy for you and you not the one for him. This however should never – n.e.v.e.r. – make you feel like there is something wrong with you or that you are unattractive. Every single person in the world is attractive to some people and not attractive to others. We have no control over who will be which. If you are not attractive to him then this says nothing about you or your attractiveness. At. All.
5) If he feels he has some kind of hormonal imbalance, energy or libido failures then this is cause to seek doctors advice. Self medicating with porn is not going to help and if the lowering energies and libidos is systematic of something underlying then he will need to know this. Especially if it is something serious.
I cannot believe all the "get a divorce" responses.
The existense of an issue or a problem in a marriage is not an immediate sign a divorce is needed. Especially in a young marriage where the couple are still learning about each other.
Now, 21st, a few things. First, a lot of guys do watch that stuff, and it often has nothing to do with how they view their wife or SO. So although it is definately difficult for you, try not to take it too personally.
As for his comment about your breasts... well... he did marry you. He should be accepting of who you are, and loving you for who you are. If he has an attraction issue with you, it is curious to me he would marry you. That to me is a troubling issue.
He is wrong when he tells you guys watch it all the time. Not every guy does. I don't. (In fact, I don'; watch it all anymore).
I do think you are uncovering a problem he has. If he has to watch it all the time, and watch it to warm up, I would say he is beyond just a casual desire to watch it and has some kind of issue where he is addicted to it or something. Especially since he has a low sex drive with you in the bedroom.
I suspect this will be a very difficult issue for both of you. Try not making a confrontation out of it with him, since that won't help anything. That said, you should try not to enable it, and also try to be encouraging to him to talk to a doctor about the issue. Low drive for real sex, and addiction to porn is not healthy.
I'm not going to let a counselor tell me what to do, cuz that guy probably watches porn all the time too, he just hides it well."
Agree with him. Because he is right. The role of the counsellor is not to "tell you what to do". If you find yourself being told what to do by one then leave and find another one.
A counsellors role is to facilitate the communication between you and your husband. A mediator. He helps you talk to each other - helps you ask each other questions - and helps you ask and answer questions of yourself you may thus far have been unable to ask. He also helps to say "Enough for today" when he thinks things are getting too heated or have stopped being constructive.
So tell him again you want counselling but agree with him that the two of you should get up and walk out if they start "telling you what to do". That is not what they are for.
Your husband is more satisfied with porn than with a real woman -- any woman. Don't take it personally. No woman can measure up to that, not even porn stars, I imagine.
What to do? Do you really think there's anything you can do? It's up to him and he's probably addicted to it. I'd say keep packing your bags and find a good attorney. All the therapy in the world won't solve HIS problem till he's good and ready. Ask yourself is it worth losing your self esteem for the rest of your life. "Needing" bigger breasts is just an excuse he's making to distract you from the fact he has issues.
I so agree with you on most of this. Only exception is before she leaves him I think that perhaps a stab at couples counseling first. If that doesn't work than bye, bye Mr. Porn lover. Yes, it kind of irked me that he tossed at her the fact that he thought her breasts were too small. Sometimes people will deflect guilt by finding something wrong with the other person. Age old trick that never works and if it does then that relationship should never be in the first place. Good answer!
No. Watch some yourself and work on pleasuring yourself. This is a non-issue.
Best post ever. Maybe he will get turned on by this.
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That to me is a troubling issue.