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I just found out that my brother is having marriage issues. My sister in law, who I barely know, called me for advice. Shocked the hell out of me. My brother won't talk to her and is defensive with her, and can't communicate. Sounded all too familiar to me. I ruined my marriage by being similar (but without his temper).
So I gave her all kinds of advice, the main piece being for her to go to counseling, regardless of whether my brother goes with her or not. She'll need it to figure out how to deal with him effectively.
I just hate to see what happened to me happen to someone else. Plus, they have a 3 yr old daughter. My brother has no idea how bad it would be for him if he got divorced with a young daughter. He'll get screwed in court and live in a cardboard box. But that's not really the point. I just don't want them to go through what I went through. I can tell she's considering leaving him. The man is always the last to know, that is, until its too late. And we're nothing alike, but its likely he'll have a lot of regret if he doesn't try to save his marriage, and possibly blame himself like I did and still do.
Anyway, I not only recommended marriage counseling, but also bunch of books on relationships, communication, etc. Told her he is not self aware and its going to take work and a desire on his part to get there. Told her I was speaking from experience. Said she needs therapy with or without him there to help her deal with him. Hope I didn't overwhelm her, but if I can help save a marriage, at least I have some use in this world.
I think you did the right thing. Sounds like you offered some terrific suggestions to her on how she can try and proceed to save the marriage, without becoming directly involved or getting in the middle of things. She asked you for advice, probably due to your relationship with your brother as well as your past experience, and you gave it. Best of luck to them! I hope they can find a way to open communications!
You did the right thing. To go one step further, without betraying your SIL, I would try to open the lines of communication with your brother and see what he's thinking. When guys get defensive and stop communicating, there's often another woman involved.
My follow up email after she thanked me for the suggestions:
"Hang in there and try to remind yourself that its HIS issues and don't take it personally. He's projecting his own fears and insecurities onto you. He's just not aware of the mistakes he's making and he's stressed about money. Its not excuse, but just remind yourself of that. I'll do whatever I can to help.
Oh, one more thing. Both of you should read Dave Ramsey's book "Total Money Makeover". Getting out of debt and changing your views on money would help both of you and relieve some stress."
I was blind in my own marriage and my dreams of having a family and life partner ended 3 years ago. I've never recovered. I don't want to see my brother (though we're not close) go through the same thing.
You did all that you can do. Just realize that if their marriage fails it's not on you. You can only do so much to help and guide them but they have to be the ones to take action.
I think once one partner considers leaving, it's hard to peddal backwards and make things right. Seems to me the love is gone if it gets to that point. Maybe I'm wrong...but based on what I've seen those that are already at that stage rarely make it work.
Since marriage counseling is very expensive and often not worth the money, have you thought about being the marriage counselor for them? Often it just helps to sit in front of them and have them talk and only interfer every now and then when they start yelling and offending each other.
I went to marriage counseling and was surprised what my husband said about some things. It can be very eye opening to hear the partner talk about specific topics in front of a 3rd person.
sorry to hear about your brothers marriage problems, my sister is going through some of her own and i try to help by being there for her, talking to her often and providing some advice. i would suggest talking to your brother about this, without letting him know your sis in law reached out. he is your blood, close or not.
Since marriage counseling is very expensive and often not worth the money, have you thought about being the marriage counselor for them? Often it just helps to sit in front of them and have them talk and only interfer every now and then when they start yelling and offending each other.
I went to marriage counseling and was surprised what my husband said about some things. It can be very eye opening to hear the partner talk about specific topics in front of a 3rd person.
OMG, no. BAD suggestion.
The counselor MUST be a neutral party with nothing invested in the outcome.
Marriage counseling is expensive because the people who do it are TRAINED (make sure to vet them).
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Best of luck to them! I hope they can find a way to open communications!
