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A different thread on this forum reminded me of this question. These are people who always have money trouble, job trouble, romance trouble, etc., as if their lives are an ongoing soap opera. And it's NEVER THEIR FAULT.
I had an employee named Ella. I hired her to be the receptionist. Her major job requirement, aside from simple competence? Be at the office at 8:00 a.m. to answer the phone. And because she lived six blocks from the office, that was no problem.
So, the first month was groovy. No problem. Then she meets a guy. Two weeks later, she's moving in with the guy. The problem? His house is twenty miles down the interstate. So she mentions this to me, and then says, "I might be late every once in a while." To that, I say, "Ella, I don't mind the occasional problem, but don't make a habit of it." Well, she starts getting there 10, 15, 20 minutes late every freaking day. Like it never occurs to her to get out of bed earlier. But every day she's late because of a wreck or slow traffic because this drama was NOT HER FAULT.
Her starting salary? Perfectly adequate. But once she moved twenty miles away, she started burning up more gas. And then she and the boyfriend got two dogs, which needed vets, shots, food, you name it. And, suddenly, I wasn't paying her enough. So it wasn't that she hadn't budgeted. This drama was NOT HER FAULT.
And then the boyfriend would call her at the office and they would have arguments, and she would be on the phone for thirty or forty minutes while calls were coming in. Now she could have hung up the phone on him at any time, but this drama was NOT HER FAULT.
And her mother owned a huge parcel of land. But because of the woman's deteriorating health, Ella had power of attorney. So when her aunts and uncles were pressuring her to sell the land to them for a song, she came to me for advice. Don't do it, I advised her. And a real estate attorney who I recommended gave her the same advice. But she does it anyway. And then complains about how her aunts and uncles ripped her off. Because this drama was NOT HER FAULT.
And then her house burns down. And she and her boyfriend don't have fire insurance. But she swears she mailed the check, even though there's no record of payment. So this drama was NOT HER FAULT.
And every damned day, it was something new. And this drama WAS NEVER HER FAULT.
Here's my question. Why? These are otherwise intelligent people. Why can't people step back from their lives and make intelligent choices? Help me understand this.
I would have to disagree with this statement....truly intelligent people DON'T make those types of choices.
I disagree. I think there is an absolute difference between intelligence and wisdom. I know plenty of people who are awfully smart with whom I wouldn't entrust a box of kitchen matches.
I disagree. I think there is an absolute difference between intelligence and wisdom. I know plenty of people who areawfully smart with whom I wouldn't entrust a box of kitchen matches.
This is so true...so perhaps the distinction is emotion.
Here's my question. Why? These are otherwise intelligent people. Why can't people step back from their lives and make intelligent choices? Help me understand this.
No self-esteem or faith in themselves. I'm not saying that in a bleeding-heart kind of way (although I am a bit of a bleeder), like you should tolerate or indulge the bad behavior, but that there is something within them that tells them they don't deserve happiness or success, so they deliberately sabotage themselves. They may not even be aware of what they are doing, hence the "not my fault." The little voice inside that tells them, "no, not good enough" could be from anything--childhood abuse, prior domestic abuse, even warped religious fanaticism. In Ella's case, the problems started when she met the guy. Maybe he was pushing her along.
Or fear. Fear of success keeps a lot of people down, believe it or not. With success comes responsibility and pressure, and they may not feel like they can handle it, or they have a crisis of confidence and are sure they are eventually going to let people down, so again, self-sabotage.
Or maybe no one has ever held them up to a higher standard, or held them accountable. Don't expect much and you won't be disappointed.
Or too much pride, in that they don't want to be told what to do.
Or problems with drinking or drugs.
Or depression.
There are a lot of reasons. You never really know what goes on inside someone's head. That's why it doesn't hurt to ask the person directly. A gentle, "Is something going on?" can go a long, long way toward understanding and possibly helping the person help themselves.
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