Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
What's the best way to get out of this dreadful relationship that's wrong in every aspect, and keep my sanity intact?
I find it peculiar - almost comical - that you accepted lies about his age, origin, marital status, etc. and then wigged out over the purchase of a car but the statement above is really all you need. If you think he's the wrong guy then he's the wrong guy and it really doesn't matter how or why you got there.
The best way out - and perhaps the only way for someone like you - is cold turkey. Just say it's over and there's no room for negotiation and then do not communicate further.
I don't think you need to join him in therapy for him to see taht you are a mismatch. His therapist should be able to help him realize that. Otherwise, he needs a new therapist. he sounds like a loon. If I were you, I would focus on my kids and getting my life in order and if that means a restraining order and this loon, then so be it.
Thanks a lot!
I am in fact so busy with the private lessons, birthday parties and cake decorations that I don't even have time to sleep! lol. But life is getting much better than two years ago when the divorce just started.
I find it peculiar - almost comical - that you accepted lies about his age, origin, marital status, etc. and then wigged out over the purchase of a car but the statement above is really all you need. If you think he's the wrong guy then he's the wrong guy and it really doesn't matter how or why you got there.
The best way out - and perhaps the only way for someone like you - is cold turkey. Just say it's over and there's no room for negotiation and then do not communicate further.
Thanks for the honest advice!
To be accurate, I actually found out about all the above mentioned lies bit by bit. So the 6-month of dating was a journey of discoveries.
I married young and had been in this country for 12 years. The dating scene is so new and I didn't expect someone decent to be a complete lier inside! Well that's my responsibility to take.
The positive out of this rebound is: I no longer feel the desparate need to find love. I have read any books on divorce and relationships that I can lay my hands on. It's a normal process I'm going through. But I'll be content for now and won't seek a relationship for a long time.
Sorry to hear about your situation. Depending on how bitter your divorce is, you may want to talk to your lawyer before doing anything close to a legal route against this guy. I could see how your soon-to-be-ex-husband could see something like this as legal leverage to use in the divorce proceedings...
--Dim
Hi Dim,
That is exactly half of my concern. The other half is, do I really want to start a hostile gesture like this on someone I've dated and genuinely liked? Golden rule, I just don't want to do unto others things I don't want to be bestowed on myself.
My soon-to-be-ex will definitely utilize this, although the custody war was over. He might start something new. I'm representing myself since it's been dragging so long, and my former lawyer is willing to lend advice if I need it.
At this point, it doesn't matter if you "genuinely liked" the guy. The relationship is over, and there doesn't seem to be any friendly feelings on your side. So, for all intents and purposes, he is of no use to you. Golden Rule is good and all, but if this guy begins to make you fear for you (or your KIDS') safety, then all bets are off.
mir86, thanks for your advice. I have cut off all communication but it doesn't seem to work. I don't yet want to go the restraining order route to enrage him. He's been seeing a therapist for this and wanted me to join him. Should I? Would that help him see we are a total mis-match?
NO! Joining him in therapy would only communicate that you view the two of you as a couple. You're no longer a couple. He needs to get that message. Change phone numbers, email, etc. if necessary. If stalking (which for now sounds mainly like phone harassment) escalates, start keeping a log of incidents, this is what police recommend. Google "stalking laws" in your state, to find out how your state handles it. Don't panic yet. Have you made it clear that he completely misrepresented himself, and so dishonesty is a deal-breaker? Oh, and have you done a background check on him? It can't hurt to have as much info as possible, so you have the clearest picture of who you're dealing with. The internet background-check sites aren't expensive, you can order a criminal check as well as basic status info. Intellius is a good one.
Go with him to his therapist? For what? You don't want to be with him and he sounds unstable to say the least. Cut him off...get the restraining order and a taser/gun/pepper spray/knife whatever. This is how women end up dead...trying to be nice to creeps that will perceive being let down easy as being strung along. You aren't married to him...you don't have any kids with him. Tell him to beat it. He is a liar and sounds dangerous. Take no chances. You have two children and yourself to protect.
Also, don't feel guilty about lying to a liar. Tell him you're moving to Alaska if necessary.
LOL, I have thought about the idea of actually moving somewhere else. My job is in high demand, and I can almost move to any state I want. But I won't move or lie for this reason. It just does not seem right.
I, too, have watched too many episodes of Law and Order, that was when back in school. I think this guy is messed up in his perspections on truth vs lie, his handling financial needs vs wants, but I don't think he is evil enough to be a real threat to me and my children. I am not taking this matter lightly. I keep a close watch of my surroundings everywhere I go, before or after this guy. It's just common sense to protect myself and my kids.
I refused to go to his therapist b/c I don't want to give him any false hope. But this guy's view of reality is really different from mine. I don't know if he realizes it.
NO! Joining him in therapy would only communicate that you view the two of you as a couple. You're no longer a couple. He needs to get that message. Change phone numbers, email, etc. if necessary. If stalking (which for now sounds mainly like phone harassment) escalates, start keeping a log of incidents, this is what police recommend. Google "stalking laws" in your state, to find out how your state handles it. Don't panic yet. Have you made it clear that he completely misrepresented himself, and so dishonesty is a deal-breaker? Oh, and have you done a background check on him? It can't hurt to have as much info as possible, so you have the clearest picture of who you're dealing with. The internet background-check sites aren't expensive, you can order a criminal check as well as basic status info. Intellius is a good one.
Great advice. Thanks so much Ruth!
I have done background checks on business employees before, but never done it for personal reasons. I'll give it a try. Will do more research on stalking laws. But again, I want to be prepared for the worst, but won't be the person to start a war. I'm so happy that my children and I are almost getting the peace with my ex finally, almost there.
I have made it clear the first time I found out about his lies. We had long talks and it's my poor judgement, under the influence of insecurity, that I decided to give him a second chance. Every time after that when I found there were more lies, I tried to break up the relationship. It took me some time to realize this guy will not change and his lies will keep coming.
Now his view is that we have been together for so long, 6 months, and he has been such a caring and loving person, which he is when he does not lie, he can not lose me.
For me, the last straw was the car, which is an unbelievable and stupid thing to do. My friends say he just hasn't grown up. I think he is broken in so many ways that our fundamental world views are just he opposite.
He thinks maybe I'm going back to my ex, or maybe I found someone else. This is another stupid thing I can't fathom. I am the kind of person that I know right from wrong, maybe after some lessons. I don't need another person to make this decision.
At this point, it doesn't matter if you "genuinely liked" the guy. The relationship is over, and there doesn't seem to be any friendly feelings on your side. So, for all intents and purposes, he is of no use to you. Golden Rule is good and all, but if this guy begins to make you fear for you (or your KIDS') safety, then all bets are off.
Good luck!
--Dim
Thank you Dim.
I have no more friendly feelings toward this guy anymore. I don't hate him yet, if the stalking can stop.
I have returned all the gifts he bought me. I never asked for them, and he likes buying expensive things to show his love. I'm completely not a gift person and I don't take pride in owning expensive accessories.
If the stalking persists or escalates, I will take legal action, as the last resort.
Sure I understand your concerns. Someone lurking on a forum like this with such a high ground and no real life problems does not seem real to me either.
I'm only registering here to ask for advices, so please ignore my post if it offends you so.
I'm not a lurker, I have a lot of posts on this site. I think you are the one making assumptions about me having no real life problems. I'm just puzzled why someone lied to you about so much and you stayed with them and now you are asking if you should have broken up with him and if you should go to therapy with him? It's really a no brainer what you should do.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
