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It depends. There are idiots everywhere, but how it's handled in terms of marital relations depends on how well both parties in the couple are known and their past history. Military marriages and relationships are different animals from civilian ones. I tell every woman who is living with or married to a Marine to conduct herself with decorum at all times, stay out of the "other" club during deployments (O-Club for enlisted men's wives/GFs, E-Club for officers' wives/GFs), and NOT be one of those wives/GFs who comes down to the battalion demanding to know the whereabouts of her man and raising a big stink every time there is a news report, and instead be as little of a PITA to the XO (executive officer) as humanly possible in general, so that he or she comes to respect you and appreciates not only your wisdom and strength, but your consideration for how the Marine Corps functions.
This came in handy for me when I had a situation many, many years ago. Let's just say that the young Marine in question, then a 1st Lt., was given a nice dressing down and held financially responsible for the safe, orderly, and timely transport of my material possessions across 10,000 miles because, sayeth the XO, "This steams me beyond all reason, because YOU, of all people, do not deserve this, Lilac. I don't know which way his head is screwed on right now, but I'm going to straighten it out."
Let's just say that the irate phone call I got from said young lieutenant validated what the XO said. Boy, was he pissed.
However, there was another couple who were known for their drama, high-visibility discord, and repeated break-ups and make-ups. They were basically told to grow up and either knock it off with the public warfare or get divorced already.
Which is all just lovely. But has nothing to do with promotions and counseling. THAT is idiocy.
OP....This is sound advice. What has happened is that you are no longer buying his BS. Now you will become the enemy. Abusive folks turn on people, when they can no longer control them. He has been controlling you...Now the mouse has roared.
Do as this poster suggests, it is imperative that you get your children to safety and talk to the counselors to figure out your logical viable options. Good luck and be safe.
"PLEASE find yourself a local shelter for battered women so that you are prepared when he starts hitting you. Contact them PRIVATELY and they will help you prepare in the event that you have to leave suddenly with your children."
Which is all just lovely. But has nothing to do with promotions and counseling. THAT is idiocy.
He's not going to get promoted if he lays a hand on her or otherwise abuses her. Sorry, but that crap is just not tolerated. It becomes a Very Big Deal involving a committee, and commanding officers can and do get involved in determining the abuser's fate, including recommending discharge (and less than honorable, at that, which can wreak havoc on things like VA benefits). This is the kind of stuff that can end careers.
At any rate, you sitting there lambasting the Marine Corps isn't going to help the OP solve her problem. It's great that you advised her to make arrangements at a shelter, but if she lives on base, it won't necessarily work like that. He will most likely be the one removed from the premises and housed elsewhere while the Family Advocacy Program investigates.
So, OP, avail yourself of the resources at your disposal. I haven't read the entire thread, so I'm not sure how well-integrated you are with other families and the community, whether you live on base, etc. Do your homework on this, and understand--but do NOT tell him--that he is the one who stands to lose everything here, not you. Keep your cards close to your vest.
In fact, clear out your cache and make sure your browser is not remembering your password here and automatically logging you in each time, so that he will not find this thread should he go snooping around your computer--because he probably thinks that is "his," too.
ETA: You also might want to ask the mods to change your user name to something more generic. Using your first name here isn't wise if it's your real first name.
I am not sure what "do your homework means". As a rule, that is super advice. No everything there is to know about your situation.
OP he has not hit you as yet, so there is precious little to go to the military with. I stand by my advice to see a marriage counselor. Either he goes with you eventually and gets a wake up call, or you get strength and clarity. Either way it is a win win.
Or dump him like a hot rock. Strategically. You have time. Grin and bear it. And make a financial plan. Make a housing plan.
And regardless of the military's stand on domestic violence, I really think being prepared does no harm in the event of an assault. Acts of passion can and do happen. We had women who were wives of military personnel in the shelter I worked at. It happens EVERYWHERE.
I am not sure what "do your homework means". As a rule, that is super advice. No everything there is to know about your situation.
OP he has not hit you as yet, so there is precious little to go to the military with. I stand by my advice to see a marriage counselor. Either he goes with you eventually and gets a wake up call, or you get strength and clarity. Either way it is a win win.
Or dump him like a hot rock. Strategically. You have time. Grin and bear it. And make a financial plan. Make a housing plan.
And regardless of the military's stand on domestic violence, I really think being prepared does no harm in the event of an assault. Acts of passion can and do happen. We had women who were wives of military personnel in the shelter I worked at. It happens EVERYWHERE.
"Do your homework" just means to prepare and know as much as you can about the subject. In other words, don't just go taking action without thinking it through. You and I agree on this. We're just arriving at the same destination from different directions.
"Do your homework" just means to prepare and know as much as you can about the subject. In other words, don't just go taking action without thinking it through. You and I agree on this. We're just arriving at the same destination from different directions.
he has never, ever laid a hand on me. and omg, he was soooo mad last nite when i talked about divorce. the thing with him is that his words are venomous. he says alot of mean things and i tolerated it for so long. what really got this mouse roaring was when i asked him the other day about that neighbor and he said how they all had dinner. i felt hurt and betrayed that he had changed the story all those times and i believe she ate dinner with him and i really feel that hes not telling me that he was hangin out with her. all this has made me mad because i have stuck by him thru thick and thin with deployments and moves and im just devestated.
hes going to stay with his friend for a few days or weeks. so its kinda sorta like being seperated from him. and im going to see if his mood/attitude changes. but then theres a part of me that feels like even if his mood/attitude changes and he starts to appreciate me more..he will go back to being mean again. its like a cycle or something. i dont know if its a comfortability issue because ive known him since junior high school or what. he sometimes acts like im a young bratty sister.
if hes going out, ill say where u off too and he will say "out" im like well ok. and there was a time when i said well hey lets go over there together and hes like i dont want all of u to go, let me go myself. ok fine. we hardly do any grocery shopping together. we hardly do any family outings. during weekends he wakes up super late and im like lets go to the park and hes like no. aquarium? no and he says i work really hard and i just want to stay home. maybe im too pushy but it would be nice to go out together as a family once in a while. he used to go everywhere with that older woman b4 we became boyfriend and girlfriend. see? there i go comparing. ugh. lol
like i said, last nite he was so mad and he left this morning and he kissed me and he never really kisses me goodbye. maybe hes realizing a divorce is possible now since im telling him how i understand what hes doing.. the whole reverse thing on me so that i feel bad. i told him last nite that im very aware of his stupid little control tactics and he rolled his eyes and said your such a baby. i said see? insult me again. thats all u know to do.
i told him that he only puts me down because hes listening to what im telling him about divorce and stuff and hes feeling like crap about it. i told him underneath his hard exterior theres this person whos hurt about what hes hearing so instead of talking about it, he has to insult me to try to make me feel worse.. worse than he himself feels.
he was very nice to me before he left to work, unusually nice. im not being horrible about though, or saying "why r u being so nice" im taking it in and allowing him to show a more softer side to me. he called me sweetie too which i havent heard from him in a while. im def not getting all mushy and crap but im not pushing this nice side of him away either.
i hope i struck a nerve with him. i hope he changes but he needs to stay with his battle bud for a little while before anything could be normal again. and if i hear any sort of 'real man crap" or trying to hide my phone or my wallet or saying that he needs to spread his seed or porn is what a real man needs.. then its over.
no one should ever make u feel like u have no value. and last nite when he was talking about how this house is his, and everything in it is his and i have nothing and i am nothing. it hurt me but i didnt show it. i just let him say everything to let him hear how hurtful he sounded. the less i spoke up and just stared at him, the more it looked like he was confused and maybe that made him realized im not fighting for him anymore and that maybe, just maybe i finally had enough.
He cheated or was interested in doing so. Also other statements leads me to think he just does not care about you, or cares until a better catch comes along.
Is he a lifer? If not, he will lead you along until he gets a discharge, then he will divorce, seen this a thousand times. He will play good guy when things get too bad in an attempt to reset things, or out of guilt at the most, but not real genuine feelings.
yes hes gonna be a career marine. im thinking that his nicer attitude can possibly be stemming from the fact that hes trying to reset things as well. or his way of saying sorry but never really saying it. i guess actions speak louder than words.
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