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Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theqbaby
You may think this is "nuttier than a squirrel turd"
People make mistakes.
You should not be angry, but confused... with your father.
Take this situation as a learning experience and choose to not live your life as your parents did.
My parents had a love/hate relationship. They loved each other so much they hated each other. (I know, it don't make sense) There were affairs, many fights and divorce, only to end up back together in the end.
I was very young also.
I chose to take it as a learning experience as in what "not" to do and accept. In a twisted way, I thank my parents for giving me the experience and knowledge to make me stronger.
I think it is important to point out that despite their affairs, fights and breakup, they ended up together again. Ain't love grand that we sometimes let our guard down, create our own selfish drama to the amazement of everyone around us. You can't interfere with something that chaotic...you just have to let them at it. Excellent post...I laughed at the squirrel reference.
Last edited by MainStreet; 10-17-2007 at 07:30 AM..
No. Do not call her again. This revenge feels good when you are doing it but it does not take away your anger, as you are beginning to realize. In fact, it is only making you more angry. Your are carrying your mother's anger. It was your mother who was full of rage and tears and helplessness. What could she do? Her best friend and her husband had betrayed her. She had children to raise. Where was she to go? All those years she had to put up with the two of them carrying on behind her back. All those long years. Give this anger back to your mother. In your mind picture yourself handing something over to her and saying: "Here, this is yours, you carry it." And let this old mistress of the past go. Picture yourself walking down a road with your mother, your father, and the mistress somewhere behind you. Watch them grow smaller and smaller as you continue to walk down this long and winding path. Keep walking. Now look behind you. They are gone. They have disappeared over the edge of the horizon, and you are all grown up and free to go.
Greenie, This is just excellent advice, and it works (as I know you know personally...and so do I) Your wording is eloquent!
momandwifefromcali: the best description I've heard of how you're feeling is this: "bitterness is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die". Only you are hurt by it, and it fixes nothing. As GreenMachine says, mentally and emotionally walking away from it will free you, and you deserve to be freed of this. You did nothing wrong and will heal by allowing yourself to let it go, and let it be the problem of those who created it and actually own it. You don't own it.
#1 Though I understand what you are saying, I honestly believe I would not feel better until this woman and her family knows what my family and I went through.
#2 The day I had my children I vowed that if anyone maliciously hurt them physically, I will sacrafice my freedom and go to jail.
#3 I feel that strongly about protecting my family and will hurt those who intentionally hurt mine...even if it is another family member.
#1 How is inflicting pain on another going to make the first hurt go away? This is why we have hate, discrimination and violence today because of old wounds.
#2 It is our job to protect our children how would you be protecting all your children if you were in jail?
# 3 While I wish no harm on others I hope you can reread your post and see that maybe your way of protection is just keeping hate alive.
I am glad you had a strong father and he was protective but there is a part of protection that means sometimes you just have to let it go.
OP please don't let this part of your past fester inside you that you become numb to the needs of your children now. Peace.
Though I understand what you are saying, I honestly believe I would not feel better until this woman and her family knows what my family and I went through. I am very defensive and protective of my family and sadly if someone harms my family in anyway I will go for blood. I will say that is one of my downfalls but that is how strongly I feel about harming my family. I can honestly tell you this, I had a kid threaten my son's life one day over a stupid fight over a girl my son was dating. He and his friends came around stating that they were going to put my son in the earth. Well of course the cops were called and the boys were confronted in front of the police officer..although no weapons were found.. I clearly informed him right there in front of the police officer that if he dears to lay a finger on my son and cause him any harm I personally will deal with him in my own way.
Yes I was warned by the officer to be careful of what I say in front of witness and a law enforcement individual, but I didn't care. The day I had my children I vowed that if anyone maliciously hurt them physically, I will sacrafice my freedom and go to jail.
I feel that strongly about protecting my family and will hurt those who intentionally hurt mine...even if it is another family member. I guess that is a trait I inherited from my father who was fiercely protective of his family...He was a good man but don't dare harm a member of his family.
being protective of your family doesn't merrit setting example by being a bully...and harming the innocent lives of others.....
also, your telling your children, that violence is ok, if it's your family...and it's not ok...they will interpret that wrongly...
I feel the same way as you do....but you have to sit down and think, long and hard before you react....b/c you could end up hurting your children more, if you don't...and I mean, a lifetime of hurt, pain, embarrasement, guilt...etc.
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,537,150 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
being protective of your family doesn't merrit setting example by being a bully...and harming the innocent lives of others.....
also, your telling your children, that violence is ok, if it's your family...and it's not ok...they will interpret that wrongly...
I feel the same way as you do....but you have to sit down and think, long and hard before you react....b/c you could end up hurting your children more, if you don't...and I mean, a lifetime of hurt, pain, embarrasement, guilt...etc.
Be careful...please.
Creme
Good advise...plus imagine at the next three consequences of your actions. as in....the woman some how finding out who you are and hurting your family.
To all the people who responded me: THANK YOU
You are great, this forum is just the best, I really really appreciate it.
Now...
I do blame my dad, so much, that since then I can't tell him that I love him. It is very hard for me, like my mom always says: he is my dad after all, but at the same time when he is around I feel very unsafe (I am not sure how normal that is) and I do not like what I feel when he is close to me. (By the way he doesn't live in the US).
He kind of denies what he did, he never said sorry, at least not to me, and he became to be a different man since "then". One of my sisters feels exactly like me when he is around her.
Sometimes my mom would say that she thinks that "that woman" did some kind of "witchy" thing on him when he decided to stay with mom instead than with her. That is how much he changed. It is difficult for me to write this but, he started to be an abuser then. Not all the time, but only when he became angry on us or my mom. Before that my dad never never ever hit us. She changed him, that woman, and he didn't anything to stop that change.
I am thankful that I live so far from them. We do talk on the phone every week. And my mom, when my dad is not aorund, she vents and starts talking about what he did to her. She is very hurt, but she wont leave.
Like Jadel812 said about being very protective of her family, that is the way I feel about mine. I will go for blood too if I have to, if somebody hurts any of mine in any way I will be right there to defend them in any way I can. And that is the way I feel about my sisters and my mom when it comes to this subject. None of them had the chance to tell this Ana (that is the name of "the other woman") what they feel or think about her and/or anout what she did. I wanted to speak for all of us, but my body was literaly shivering while I was on the phone. (weird isn't?) My words wouldn't come out right, and that may be the reason why I feel that that wasn't enough. The conversation with Ana didn't give me what I needed.
UGH, I should let it go, I know, i should I should. But it is difficult. I do not want revenge, I just want her to know what is going thru my mind now and when I was 9. She used to babysit us when my parents went out! She used to go to the gym with my mom everyday! She was my mom's best friend, how the h* could she do this. I will never understand. i should just forget.
Location: Boonies of Georgia ~~~~ nuttier than a squirrel turd !
1,950 posts, read 5,160,511 times
Reputation: 2295
Quote:
Originally Posted by momandwifefromcali
To all the people who responded me: THANK YOU
You are great, this forum is just the best, I really really appreciate it.
Now...
I do blame my dad, so much, that since then I can't tell him that I love him. It is very hard for me, since he is my dad after all (like my mom says) but at the same time when he is around I feel very unsafe (I am not sure how normal that is) and I do not like what I feel when he is close to me. (By the way he doesn't live in the US). He kind of denies what he did, he never said sorry, at least not to me, and he became to be a different man since "then". One of my sisters feels exactly like me when he is around her.
Sometimes my mom would say that she thinks that "that woman" did some kind of "witchy" thing on him when he decided to stay with mom instead than with her. That is how much he changed. It is difficult for me to write this but, he started to be an abuser then. Not all the time, but only when he became angry on us or my mom. Before that my dad never never ever hit us. She changed him, that woman, and he didn't anything to stop that change.
I am thankful that I live so far from them. We do talk on the phone every week. And my mom, when my dad is not aorund, she vents and starts talking about what he did to her. She is very hurt, but she wont leave.
Like Jadel812 said about being very protective of her family, that is the way I feel about mine. I will go for blood too if I have to, if somebody hurts any of mine in any way I will be right there to defend them in any way I can. And that is the way I feel about my sisters and my mom when it comes to this subject. None of them had the chance to tell this Ana (that is the name of "the other woman") what they feel or think about her and/or anout what she did. I wanted to speak for all of us, but my body was literaly shivering while I was on the phone. (weird isn't?) My words wouldn't come out right, and that may be the reason why I feel that that wasn't enough. The conversation with Ana didn't give me what I needed.
UGH, I should let it go, I know, i should I should. But it is difficult. I do not want revenge, I just want her to know what is going thru my mind now and when I was 9. She used to babysit us when my parents went out! She used to go to the gym with my mom everyday! She was my mom's best friend, how the h* could she do this. I will never understand. i should just forget.
All this is so... typical !
HE CHANGED, she didn't change him. No person can change another.
HE DENIES IT because he is embarresed and ashamed !
This is the same kind of environment I grew up with.
My mother would carry on to a point where none of us kids would even want to be around because that was ALL she ever spoke about. She was deeply hurt, but would not end it.
I understand your feelings, but as another poster put it "YOU DON'T OWN THIS". This was your parents relationship, which caused so much havoc on you.
Please take from this experience, and do not allow it to continue to reak havoc on your children !
I held resentment towards my father up until the last 9 months of his life.
I cared for him on his death bed.
It wasn't until that time, that I truley got to know"WHO" my father was.
Suprisingly enough, I did learn alot about my parents realtionship...it was not one sided!
I'm not saying my mother had affairs, just the opposite. Somehow once children came into the picture, Mom became a caretaker and they kind of grew apart.
I am just rambling here, but I just want to give you some insight and support during this hard time.
Let it go for your own good. You may be surprised what you find out in the future.
JMO
To all the people who responded me: THANK YOU
You are great, this forum is just the best, I really really appreciate it.
Now...
I do blame my dad, so much, that since then I can't tell him that I love him. It is very hard for me, like my mom always says: he is my dad after all, but at the same time when he is around I feel very unsafe (I am not sure how normal that is) and I do not like what I feel when he is close to me. (By the way he doesn't live in the US).
He kind of denies what he did, he never said sorry, at least not to me, and he became to be a different man since "then". One of my sisters feels exactly like me when he is around her.
Sometimes my mom would say that she thinks that "that woman" did some kind of "witchy" thing on him when he decided to stay with mom instead than with her. That is how much he changed. It is difficult for me to write this but, he started to be an abuser then. Not all the time, but only when he became angry on us or my mom. Before that my dad never never ever hit us. She changed him, that woman, and he didn't anything to stop that change.
I am thankful that I live so far from them. We do talk on the phone every week. And my mom, when my dad is not aorund, she vents and starts talking about what he did to her. She is very hurt, but she wont leave.
Like Jadel812 said about being very protective of her family, that is the way I feel about mine. I will go for blood too if I have to, if somebody hurts any of mine in any way I will be right there to defend them in any way I can. And that is the way I feel about my sisters and my mom when it comes to this subject. None of them had the chance to tell this Ana (that is the name of "the other woman") what they feel or think about her and/or anout what she did. I wanted to speak for all of us, but my body was literaly shivering while I was on the phone. (weird isn't?) My words wouldn't come out right, and that may be the reason why I feel that that wasn't enough. The conversation with Ana didn't give me what I needed.
UGH, I should let it go, I know, i should I should. But it is difficult. I do not want revenge, I just want her to know what is going thru my mind now and when I was 9. She used to babysit us when my parents went out! She used to go to the gym with my mom everyday! She was my mom's best friend, how the h* could she do this. I will never understand. i should just forget.
No darlin, she didn't change himl...or do some curse on him....if it isn't in someone's soul to do something, they won't...but for some reason, your father WAS abusive..doesn't matter when he started being so. If you don't feel safe around him, it might be b/c he was abusive, or other reasons you've picked up on, but I say, follow the intuition.
But to call this woman and hurt her, or try to hurt her is also wrong...doesn't matter if she killed a thousand people...it is wrong...
I hate Hitler....for what he did, but if he were alive, calling him and telling him how much I hate him, would be wrong.
Words, my dear, can kill a person, just as though you took a gun and held it to her head.
Stay away from her, and try and understand the past as it was...a lot of mistakes....remember your parents were young then...and stop reliving it..no matter how much you do, you cannot change a thing, and you'll drive yourself and everyone around you nuts if you don't stop and let it rest.
If you feel that way about your father, then stay away...period...but get on with YOUR life...and be thankful you came out of this thing as who you are, a much stronger woman for it.
And please believe me, I am NOT excusing Abuse! But it's over....gone, and the only thing is the hear and now...so live it to the best you can...
Understanding it, will help you....understand this...your parents did the best they could mentally at the time....unfortunately, it wasn't what was best for you and your sibblings, but they did only what they knew....and you still have a life to live...please...do it better....
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,537,150 times
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Cali...one thing I've learned about children of divorce or in this case your father's affair is that when we find out that our parents were not what we thought they were, it "destroys our DNA" (a doctor on Oprah last week). I think this matter impacted you harder because you were a child.
You must redefine yourself and your feelings about this. Think of your father as "despite your selfishness, dad, I survived and will flourish." What is the saying...we are what we endure. Unfortunately you had to endure at a young age and I feel for you. So very sorry, but do you want to feel like this forever? What kind of legacy is that? The heck with your dad and Ana...heck with them...this is your life now....they are ancient sad history based on nothing but sex! (I know this because he stayed with your mom.)
The marriage of Charles Lindbergh and Anne Morrow Lindbergh fascinates me. I've read dozens of books. Recently, it was uncovered that Charles had seven children by three other women in Germany, without anyone knowing. This is all about ego, entitlement....and selfishness.
Your dad's affair...done, ancient history. What are you going to do to help fade that bright Kodachrome slide of a memory, that is burnt into your consciousness? By making better memories to replace it.
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. Not all the time, but only when he became angry on us or my mom. Before that my dad never never ever hit us. She changed him, that woman, and he didn't anything to stop that change.
