Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
30-year-old daughter of a friend of mine. She has never had a boyfriend before. Two months ago she met a guy in a church social group, and is planning on marrying him in July.
Why in July? Well, she wanted an August wedding but he said that as the man, it was up to HIM to choose the wedding date and he wanted July. So there.
He is very religious (Pentacostal, and so is she) and very personable and charming and romantic with her - she is swept off her feet: of course, it's her first "real" boyfriend.
I sat and visited with her for a while this evening and this is what she told me - they are "working out" rules for the marriage and she assured me none of it was him being controlling and it was all for the good of the marriage. She seems OK with the following (but only because IMHO she is confusing controlling with love):
*He is concerned that she doesn't always eat three meals per day (she is somewhat plump, we are not talking anorexic here.) So she must text him at least three times a day to tell him she ate.
*She will have to give up her personal email address, they will only have a shared email address.
*Neither of them can go online unless the other is home. She told me that was because he was concerned she wouldn't be doing something productive and he doesn't want her spending time on Facebook etc because it's not productive.
*She'll also have to give up her smartphone. Because it has internet.
*She can't work. He is moving out of state with his company later this year and she's going with him.
*Currently they can only see each other every four days because they are to save themselves for marriage and more than that would...inflame passion or something, I guess.
I've resisted inserting the rolleyes emoticon about 400 times while typing this.
To me about 1000 red flags have just shot straight up in the air. I think the guy is a controlling snake and once married, she can kiss her family and autonomy goodbye. Of course I said nothing of the sort to her....she is starry-eyed in love so what's the point. I haven't had a chance to talk to her mom about this yet and probably won't until next weekend. Not that there is any point, probably, the kid is going to do what she wants. But she is naive and I hate to see her get hurt.
Sometimes people are so stubborn and naive that they need to learn themselves. Most of us probably can recall a less extreme moment where we were convinced we knew what was best for us, and understood the truth after getting knocked on our asses.
The best you can do is help her understand this isn't healthy behavior from him. Explain a wife's role in a relationship should be as a partner and not a subordinate. Remind her she has a right to ask for him to make sacrifices if he demands the same thing. What is she comfortable giving up and what makes her uncomfortable? (Maybe she can do without the smartphone, but I totally see his seedy point with taking away any internet.)
But I am very weary of religious people and it's exactly because of situations like this. I honestly think she has a long, confusing road ahead of her. Is there someone at her fiance's church she can talk to that isn't clouded with this controlling male gender role BS? Someone with respect that can talk some sense into her and tell her the rights she has as an individual entering a relationship?
It's good that they're both religious rather than just one of them.
It's good that they're discussing the "rules" of the marriage now rather than after they're married.
It's good that he's personable, charming and romantic.
But I doubt that's going to be enough to save this one. Wow! I feel for her.
Sometimes people are so stubborn and naive that they need to learn themselves. Most of us probably can recall a less extreme moment where we were convinced we knew what was best for us, and understood the truth after getting knocked on our asses.
The best you can do is help her understand this isn't healthy behavior from him. Explain a wife's role in a relationship should be as a partner and not a subordinate. Remind her she has a right to ask for him to make sacrifices if he demands the same thing. What is she comfortable giving up and what makes her uncomfortable? (Maybe she can do without the smartphone, but I totally see his seedy point with taking away any internet.)
But I am very weary of religious people and it's exactly because of situations like this. I honestly think she has a long, confusing road ahead of her. Is there someone at her fiance's church she can talk to that isn't clouded with this controlling male gender role BS? Someone with respect that can talk some sense into her and tell her the rights she has as an individual entering a relationship?
Well they belong to the same church....she did tell me that a couple of people brought up the point that he might be too controlling which is why she made sure to assure me he wasn't. I have a lunch date with her mom next weekend and plan to bring this up. In a non-obtrusive way. mind you.
Several years ago I found myself in a similar situation...well not precisely similar but it turned out to be a very bad relationship choice. And I am pretty sure nobody could have talked me out of it.
But still...I hate to see this young woman make such a mistake. I suppose she'll emerge much stronger and more savvy but this seems like such a hugely awful and stupid decision and I just know she's going to get hurt.
I suppose she'll emerge much stronger and more savvy but this seems like such a hugely awful and stupid decision and I just know she's going to get hurt.
You have a lot of confidence in her, it seems. Maybe she will emerge smarter, but the other option is she emerges broken and feeling rejected. She might assume the blame and think that she failed in following this man's demands, making her a bad wife and deserving of bad treatment or divorce. This will not set her up in a good position for entering the dating world again.
She's lucky to at least have someone like you to be concerned enough to do something.
The whole thing is just scary, the rush to get married, not spending time with him, and the quick move, plus all of the other stuff. He is even putting her down already, in subtle sneaky ways not eating enough, and being unproductive due to face book.
Who knows. Its definitely kind of odd and seemingly controlling, but if they are both very religous and of the same faith, she may very well be perfectly happy with her future husband taking on the leadership role, sort of as written in the bible. Each and every relationship is comprised of two unique individuals, thus making it one of a kind. What may seem to you as a field of red flags, maybe a lifelong marriage and fulfilment for both of them and their family. In my opinion, you should let them be, and wish them happiness.
30-year-old daughter of a friend of mine. She has never had a boyfriend before. Two months ago she met a guy in a church social group, and is planning on marrying him in July.
Why in July? Well, she wanted an August wedding but he said that as the man, it was up to HIM to choose the wedding date and he wanted July. So there.
He is very religious (Pentacostal, and so is she) and very personable and charming and romantic with her - she is swept off her feet: of course, it's her first "real" boyfriend.
I sat and visited with her for a while this evening and this is what she told me - they are "working out" rules for the marriage and she assured me none of it was him being controlling and it was all for the good of the marriage. She seems OK with the following (but only because IMHO she is confusing controlling with love):
*He is concerned that she doesn't always eat three meals per day (she is somewhat plump, we are not talking anorexic here.) So she must text him at least three times a day to tell him she ate.
*She will have to give up her personal email address, they will only have a shared email address.
*Neither of them can go online unless the other is home. She told me that was because he was concerned she wouldn't be doing something productive and he doesn't want her spending time on Facebook etc because it's not productive.
*She'll also have to give up her smartphone. Because it has internet.
*She can't work. He is moving out of state with his company later this year and she's going with him.
*Currently they can only see each other every four days because they are to save themselves for marriage and more than that would...inflame passion or something, I guess.
I've resisted inserting the rolleyes emoticon about 400 times while typing this.
To me about 1000 red flags have just shot straight up in the air. I think the guy is a controlling snake and once married, she can kiss her family and autonomy goodbye. Of course I said nothing of the sort to her....she is starry-eyed in love so what's the point. I haven't had a chance to talk to her mom about this yet and probably won't until next weekend. Not that there is any point, probably, the kid is going to do what she wants. But she is naive and I hate to see her get hurt.
Thoughts?
Well, the shared religion makes the odds of divorce unlikely - but the chances of this being a happy, successful marriage are about 1 in a million in my opinion.
So sad that she is this desperate and has so little self regard that she'd sign on for this kind of life
The best you can do is to gently tell her you do not support the marriage but that you love her and want her to remember you will always be there to support her as a friend when she needs one.
Oh, dude, no. How can this poor woman be thirty and so naive? I would not want to be a child raised in the household those two will create
Help bring some perspective to your grandkids, if this dude ever lets you see them.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
