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So I met this guy, who ticked every box I have about my ideal guy.
He is just like me, black, graduate degree, into fitness, similar background & cultured.
When I first saw him, there was instant chemistry, just like you read about in books.
I was excited because I rarely meet guys that are my Type in real life or online.
I thought he was the one and at first he seemed very into me. He pursued me. He was very complimentary and did some very, nice, thoughtful things for me.
But within days, he seemed to want to get sexual pretty fast and I held out because first of all, I wanted to get to know him. Mind you this was hard because he is hot, but I had to let my head rule over my heart. I didn't want to make a mistake. Still, my feelings continued.
I asked him on Day 1 if he had a girlfriend, he said No. But as time passed, I kept getting this feeling that something was up. He blew hot & cold. One minute he's into me and acting like he wants to be my boyfriend, the next minute he's disappeared. One minute he's doing something sweet for me, the next minute you feel like you are talking to a stranger. One minute he's kissing me with so much passion, and the next minute, you can't find him. It was confusing to me. So, I called him out on it by week 4 and he comes out with "I'm seeing someone".
I was hurt and mad but I don't show it. I didn't want to seem "needy" since it was only 4 weeks. He says he still wants us to be friends but I tell him I can't at that moment. I can't switch my feelings off just like that. I need space. He reluctantly agrees. I start No-Contact but unlike previous times with other people, I am not able to get over him. I replayed everything he had said and done. I told myself what a liar he was and a playa and that I was lucky not to have slept with him. For a month I did not speak to him, but my thoughts were continually about him. Rather than Out of Sight, Out of Mind, it was Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I missed him and it actually began to hurt. He'd tried to make contact with me but I'd made it impossible to.
After about a month, I contact him and we are both happy to be talking back again. I agree to try the friendship thing and just forget the past.
Now, I am really re-thinking the friendship bit. He is now feeling comfortable enough to blurt out his true feelings about many issues. He's told me he has always been curious about dating Indian women and would love to date one IRL. He's dated black women in the past and he's tired of it and now he wants to explore another side. When he told me this, I was thinking to myself, how insensitive can this guy be? Not that there is anything wrong with having a preference, but telling someone whom you initially pursued that you actually prefer another race, made me wonder why he wasted my time. But I don't let on. I have also noticed that he's unreliable and his words and actions are often contradictory.
Now, I see him for what he is and know that nothing could ever work out between us. Why then do I have feelings for this MOFO????? WTF is wrong with me that I know someone is bad and yet my heart refuses to listen.
We have not done anything, not even held hands since we reconnected, but he still does occasional nice things for me.
I need tips, how do I get over someone that is bad for me. No contact is not an option cause like I said, it hurt like hell. What do I do. Need replies from people who overcame a strong infatuation.
Last edited by Peacelilies; 04-16-2013 at 08:06 PM..
Reason: Clarity
I was younger when this happened, doesn't happen anymore.
I just told myself, I don't care about this person.. and went out and found examples of people who are just as good looking, nicer and better.
I am usually a person who can let go of people that are not healthy for me, but in this case, I feel so effing weak. I don't understand what is happening to me. I know that continued contact will not help my case, but No Contact worsened it. I think this is one of those situations where the only way I will be able to get over him is to get under someone lol. But my issue has always been that I rarely find my Type that easily. Also, I don't jump into bed like that.
Yeah just look out for yourself and stop being friends with him. It doesn't matter what he thinks about it, just do what you need to do. Someone else you like will come along.
Because emotionals aren't rational, we have to learn to apply reason to our decisions. If you know he's a jerk, even if you're attracted to him, do you feel you deserve to be with a jerk?
Sometimes similar interests and the feeling of love just aren't enough. You also have to look at how it's demonstrated.
Because emotionals aren't rational, we have to learn to apply reason to our decisions. If you know he's a jerk, even if you're attracted to him, do you feel you deserve to be with a jerk?
Sometimes similar interests and the feeling of love just aren't enough. You also have to look at how it's demonstrated.
Well, in this case, it seems to have gotten me really bad. I think I am beginning to understand why women stay in bad relationships. Thing is, I'm not dating this guy and no oxytocin bonding occured. What gives?
I keep an active social life plus work, but I can't help desiring this.... mistake.
Why do people stay married to a "jerk" for 50 years? Might be a better question. Relationships have there ups and downs and they take some work....learn to forgive quickly and get on with things. I did not read the original post but I will now.
Not only do you thing this guy is "hot" - He thinks he is hot and can have what ever he wants as if he has a pocket full of cash and is shopping for things that fascinate him. If he is into "Indian" woman....what's next when he is done with that? Will it be Asian woman? The guy is superficial - also anyone who spends time working out can be a jerk...If he works out to be healthy then that is one thing...If his primary goal is to work out to look GOOD he's a jerk. Don't be a toy for someone.
Perhaps you should start going for the mind of the man and not the body...It seems that both of you have superficial values.
Not only do you thing this guy is "hot" - He thinks he is hot and can have what ever he wants as if he has a pocket full of cash and is shopping for things that fascinate him. If he is into "Indian" woman....what's next when he is done with that? Will it be Asian woman? The guy is superficial - also anyone who spends time working out can be a jerk...If he works out to be healthy then that is one thing...If his primary goal is to work out to look GOOD he's a jerk. Don't be a toy for someone.
Perhaps you should start going for the mind of the man and not the body...It seems that both of you have superficial values.
I respect your POV, but for me, I need a spark, some attraction before I want to get to know someone for dating. Let me ask you, and this is a serious question, how do you date someoone's mind? I ask this becase you can't see a person's character upfront. In addition, don't you have to have an attraction before you begin the dating process?
You are not infatuated with this man, you are infatuated with the idea of who you thought he was. You are not seeing him for who he really is (even though you think you do). It's a subconscious trick of the mind and emotion.
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